To Save A Pegasus
I tried waking back to my camp, where my bag and medical supplies were, but my leg soon gave out, and I landed on my cut up arm. I knew I couldn't make the trip back.
"Y-you're hurt! Y-you got hurt for me...?"
I felt the blood rushing from my arm, and my leg went numb. "I-it was worth it... Thank you, Fluttershy..."
"F-for what...?"
"... You're so beautiful... Th-thank you for being my last sight in this terrible forest..." My vision was starting to blur, as the tears filled my eyes, but a smile grew on my face. I was going to make it out of this forest, even if it was not the way I hoped.
"H-HOLD ON! I-I'LL HEAL YOU UP! P-PLEASE JUST DON'T DIE!" She said as tears began to well up in her eyes.
As I started to slip away, I heard a thud behind me, and I heard Fluttershy gasp in surprise. Was it the timber wolves? Did they come finish the job? I blacked out.
*****
Weeks have passed since I had that visit from the pegasus, and things were still the same. A few days after the encounter, I tried to find any other ponies to befriend, but if I got close enough to try and scratch their ears, they would scream, buck me in the gut, and high-tail it out of the forest. I eventually gave up and went back to hiding. That one pony was the only one to give me a chance, but I had a feeling she was not going to return for a long time, so I knew it was a lost cause.
Nightfall came to the forest, and I had to start a fire soon, before the timber wolves began their scavenging. I got to my camp and put a batch of sticks over my fire pit, then added a few leaves to help start it. I pulled out my knife and a piece of flint that I found, and then started to strike it... and strike it again... and again... It was no good, the flint was probably damp, and I couldn't get my fire started! I struck the flint once more in frustration, but clipped my thumb in the process, causing myself to yelp in pain. I closed my eyes and put my thumb in my mouth to sterilize it, then got a cloth and wrapped it up to stop the bleeding. I saw a blue light shine from behind me for a second and when I turned around, I saw the fire was started. Did that last strike actually work? I didn't question it, however, because now the fire was started and the wolves were not going to get close to it. I smiled a little and started to warm up. I looked over my shoulder, feeling as though something was watching me, but brushed it off as just some paranoia. I still didn't know how the fire started, but it was definitely not the flint. I lay down and watched the stars, feeling secure with the moon, again, and as I drifted away, I saw something large fly past it. A pegasus? a griffon? Well, nothing that looked concerning. My eyes closed and I began to sleep.
My dreams began and the first thing to fill my vision was the yellow pegasus. Her pink mane was covering half of her face and the other half showed her trying to look away in embarrassment. My hands listed and began to scratch her ears again, and she started to smile and lean into the direction of my hands. To see a pony this happy really made my heart dance, even in my dreams. Looking down, however, I saw at her hooves that her shadow did not match up. The shadow was of a taller pony, I think it looked like a unicorn, with a nearly transparent mane, flowing without wind. The shadow had a white eye, staring at me. This was not the first time I saw this figure in my dreams, but this time it was staring right at me. The eye flashed and I woke up in surprise, and it was daybreak. The fire went out and it was time for me to gather breakfast.
*****
The day passed like any other, and the sun was starting to set, but the day was not over yet. I still had to gather firewood again. As I proceeded through the woods, I hard hooves waking up the path. I hid in some plants and looked out to watch the pony walk by, but as I watched, I realized it was the same pegasus from before.
"What are you doing back here?"
She jumped in surprise and looked my direction. “I-is that you?"
"Yes, it's me, and my question still stands, why are you here? The sun's almost down; the timber wolves will be out soon!"
"I-I'm sorry, b-but... you see... I-I was looking for you."
Me? Why me?
"I-I wanted to find out more about you, so I was looking through the forest all day!"
"I see... I’m glad to see you weren't hurt... look, I’ll meet you at the entrance to the forest in the morning, if you want, but tonight you need to get back to Ponyville."
"... F-Fluttershy..."
"What?"
"M-my name's F-Fluttershy..." Fluttershy blushed a little, and looked away. Her name really represented herself well.
"It's nice to meet you, Fluttershy."
"Wh-what's your name...?"
I looked down to my pocket and remembered that I had my wallet since day one of waking up here. It was falling apart, and inside was only one card, a sort of school identification card with my name printed on it. That was the only way I knew who I was all these years. "James... Call me James."
"I-it's nice to meet you, James... can you come out of the bush for a second? I-I mean, if you don't mind..."
"No. I don't want to scare you... go home, Fluttershy, please."
she tried to respond, but I moved on. As she walked down the path I followed her through the trees and plants, making sure she found her way, but once twilight struck, disaster soon followed. Fluttershy hit a dead end and looked around, soon realizing that timber wolves were starting to approach her from all sides. "O-oh dear!" she screamed as a wolf leapt at her.
That was when I had to blow my cover. I jumped out of a tree, holding a branch with fire burning the end of it, and swung it at the wolves, trying to scare them away. "Get back! I said get back!" Two wolves tried to pounce at Fluttershy from behind, but were met with my fire branch, causing them to run away with some of their sticks still on fire. My fight was short lives, however, when one wolf attacked my arm and sunk its jagged wooden teeth into my arm, causing me to drop my torch to the ground. That did not stop me, however, for as soon as it bit my arm, I swung the wolf to the ground and caused it to shatter into a pile of sticks. That provided some fuel to my fire, and the fire began to grow. Before I could celebrate, however, one last wolf ran up and bit me in the back of my right leg, causing me to stumble, and fall, but the wolves all soon retreated when the fire grew.
Fluttershy watched in fear as she saw my injured body try to get up and walk. "J-James? D-Did you-?"
I tried to make it onto my feet, ignoring the pain. "My bag's back at camp... I just need to-" I took a second step, but it was on my right leg, the pain felt like an intense shot, like a lightning bolt had hit me, and i soon fell over, landing on my torn up arm. The blood was leaving my body quickly, and i had no way to stop it.
"Y-you're hurt! Y-you got hurt for me...?" She was scared to think that she was the cause of all this pain. I understood her heartbreak, seeing as how i always hated scaring the ponies way, she hated the thought that she caused this to happen. I had to release the burden on her somehow, but how?
"... It was worth it... Thank you, Fluttershy..."
"F-for what...?"
"... You're so beautiful... Th-thank you for being my last sight in this terrible forest..." I knew that my time was drawing short, and the pain was unbearable. Despite that, however, I had to smile through the tears. my last seconds were going to show that i was not a monster to the ponies. That i was capable of good, after all.
"H-HOLD ON! I-I'LL HEAL YOU UP! P-PLEASE JUST DON'T DIE!" She said as tears began to well up in her eyes.
"Fluttershy... Stay near the fire... until daybreak... Nothing will harm you..." And with that, my eyes closed, and i began to lose consciousness.
"NO! JAMES!" Fluttershy cried for a moment, then looked up to see an alicorn land behind my body, obviously scared that I was going to die. "P-Princess Luna?" Fluttershy stopped crying eventually and she saw Luna had used her magic to bring my bag over.
"He is alive... But not for long if we do not hurry!"
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This is pretty damn good! Keep it up!
LUNA YOU MUST HEAL HIM!!
Keep up the good work James.
Ok, I must say I really like this story, like the original, chapters. . . a little short for my liking but still very good, just one question, this story is based in the monster of Canterlot, I believe he will know Chris at some point, my question is, some parts of the original story will be changed? I don't mind if you do, the original is good but I really apreciate seeing things from diferent points.
anyway, keep ut the good work, as the original, your story has my full attention.
Good story dude.
So, I'd assume Fluttershy has not met Chris yet in this story?
5804041 naturally i will make a few changes as the story progresses, but if the story is as good as you say it is, i hope it will not change what people think about it. Thank you for your kind words. :)
5804687
5804070
you are correct my friends, you see the first chapter took place not long before Chris first encountered mane 6.
First off, I'll say that I'm not trying to be mean, but I have some issues.
There are some pretty glaring issues with your writing style that you can improve on. I'll give a little criticism here and be on my way.
This entire sentence feels kind of like...
I feel like the description was just thrown together.
Secondly, the main character seems WAY too concerned with 'scaring the ponies' considering he's been alone for several years and known all along that they were there. At least, if the worst they did was point, scream, and ran away. I feel that some background of his actual experiences would be helpful. The 'oh the ponies left stuff for me' is really... Odd. I can accept some sort of legend of the monster and appeasing him, but leaving weapons(knives) out? That's just weird.
Princess Luna: The implication that she's been watching over him for multiple years, knowing who Chris is, but never bothering to go help him? I can't buy that.
Capitalization is missing in some locations, as well as awkward or poor sentence structure, missing punctuation, grammar. 'Heal you up' being used once feels awkward, being used twice in rapid succession just is weird. Especially from both fluttershy and luna.
The 'start with a later scene then build to that scene' structure (I've no idea what it's actually called) is a cheap trick to try and build suspense. It works sometimes (especially in prologues or first chapters, or the start of a new arc), but when the scene you start with occurs literally 500 words later, it loses it's appeal and function entirely. And doing it every chapter is just bad.
And finally. The "you're so beautiful" comment as he's dying. Just no. That's... Ugh, I don't even know where to start. First off, you're about 3000 words into a brand new character who seems very blank and difficult to connect with, and now he's dying. You haven't built any reason for your readers to really care that he's hurt. Secondly, he literally has exchanged about 5 lines of dialogue with this being. Why precisely would he bother saving her? He already admitted that his only good food comes from happening on a fresh timber wolf kill. Yet he feeds a bunny some berries randomly, when all he has to eat is an apple and a handful of them? I can't imagine someone 'surviving' not just taking out the bunny and eating it! His motivations are completely alien and you didn't go into them at all.
I'm not saying to stop, but... I think you need to make yourself an outline of your story, or at least chapter outlines, before actually sitting down to write. One paragraph describing what happened for two years is a bad idea when you could take a few chapters and actually show it happening. Build some reader investment in the character.
Oh, and proofread or have someone edit.
First of all, how. HOW.
How does someone spell "Equestria" incorrectly in the title of their story? That's practically inconceivable.
Secondly, I really really hope you got the original author's permission to write a sequel to his story.
Writing a direct sequel based off of another's creation without their permission on a site like this is... inadvisable.
Also without tact.
5807247
I apologize about the title, it was a completely overlooked error, ans every time i went to see what people were talking about, i did not notice until i had to take it letter by letter. Common human error, we all make them.
and you can ask the original author for yourself if you do not wish to take my word. he actually encouraged that i write this after his original story. I might not be as talented, but i give it my best shot for just one person.
I'm glad to see the story is being wwell received so far and I hope that continues. might I suggest this being a side story instead of a sequel? That would allow it to be the same world, but a different story. like in back to the future 2.
5807791 i would love to put that on the cover, my friend, but the site didn't put a side-story option, haha! oops!
Chance
Putting your thumb in your mouth DOES NOT sterilize it. That goes in orders of magnitude when you haven't brushed your teeth in days, much less weeks, months, or years.
This desperately needs to contain at least 3 paragraphs about the time passing, Fluttershy following James, and how the hell do you run into a dead-end in a forest.
Where did he get the time to make a fire if Fluttershy was following him?
OI. One word: RUSHED!
As I was a fan of 'Monster of Canterlot', I decided to give this a try. There're a few problems, at least from my point of view:
The plot seems messy, and moving too fast. I wouldn't suggest having James fall in love with Fluttershy, since that's the same thing that happened in 'Monster of Canterlot'. If this is a sequel, isn't Fluttershy already with Chris? Wouldn't that hold no continuity, if he did? Why does James think he's a monster? Just because he scares ponies, he shouldn't give himself the label of 'monster', right off the bat, at least. Just because 'three certain ponies, whom shall not be named' called him a monster, why did he deem himself one? Maybe I'm just nit-picking too much, but...I think it needs a bit of work...
Another thing I see is character. For example, Princess Luna:
This usually doesn't work unless it's a troll fic or a comedy, something of that nature. Sometimes it drives me nuts the way the main cast aren't in character. Again, I could be nit-picking. Now to be honest, you can write however you want, but that is not something Princess Luna would say in the canon, therefore it stands out, to me, like a sore thumb.
5840307 i understand that I cannot measure up the the original story, but this is not a trollfic. I discussed the story with the original author and we agreed that this would make a good story to follow the original. It is not a true sequel, but the "sequel" was the only thing I could categorize it as in the settings.
This story's first chapter is actually happening just before Chris Sol had his encounter in Ponyville, this is not working right off of the tail end of its predecessor. Also, he allowed me to shift the timeline in this alternate-sequel if necessary, so if you see a detail branching off of the path, you now know why.
The reason he is labeling himself as a monster is because that's how the ponies see him, and when he lived with that knowledge, he grew tormented by the title.
And finally, i apologize for not using Luna's normal speech in that spot, I promised myself that when i had the time i would return to that spot and rectify the poor wording.