- Member Since 25th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 25th, 2018
Ink Sword
I'm not looking for glory, I'm not looking for fame, I just want to get my thoughts and stories out there.
Ink Sword
Joined 25th Sep, 2014 ·
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Cool an Ironman Displaced. This shall be fun indeed. And don't you mean come at me Gilgamesh, Ben, Jason Hughs and Team Rocket? XD
I picked Iron Man for three reasons
1. I am a HUGE Marvel fan
2. I like advanced technology
3. Captain America and Deadpool should not be the only Displaced Marvel characters.
I don't want the others here because Goop is fucking scary, Jason's a prick in my opinion, and I don't want to be flying against my will.
I'm curious. You have a good writing style and for the first chapter this story is already better than a few other Displaced Stories I know.
If I could change one thing, however, it would be the scene length. Your scenes feel... very short. Try to stretch them out a bit or make more fluid transitions between them. Personally I aim for one or two scenes per chapter with around 1.5k words minimum, although I'm sometimes dropping below that. I don't know about your writing style in depth but I recommend making your chapters and scenes a bit longer, they are to short.
The dialogue is good. Not perfect or flawless, but a good solid... good. Improvement possible. It sounds a bit rough and stiff but definitely alive.
Otherwise, good job, nice package, 7/10, would buy again.
You get a 10/10 if you include a nuclear ICBM that is disabled by Ironman to rescue Equestria AND pull it of in a believable way.
Keep going
5649079 The best that I can do is Technovore. Take it or leave it.
For me it is very late...
5648898 TEAM ROCKET?
WHERE?
Calm down, you are going to suffocate because of excitement otherwise.
That would have been funny...
Shut up.
Look, he did suffocate...
5648943
How can you say that? And there are still the Servants, Wade Jallecks, Pecila & Flynn, Tactician / Robin / Madison, Halt & Horace & Will & Gilan and last but not least the stories of the Overlords.
5649466 I haven't read about any of those other than Ghost Rider, Tactician, and Invention.
5649497 Wait, when did I mention Ghost Rider and Invention?
5649778 You didn't. They were just two characters that I liked and I saw that they wern't on your list.
5650014
But with 'any of those' you implied they were mentioned beforehand, and in this case mentioned in my list
You could benefit from some more thorough editing, for some minor errors that snuck through. Some people also aren't fans of the present-flashback-present-flashback format. I would advise being very careful with how you use it, and then only in the first, establishing phase of your narrative. I will be interested to see how the protagonist/Tony charges the suit. Then again, I always wondered why the suit needed to be recharged when it has an ARC reactor powering it directly.
An interesting read so far.
EDIT: Oh, and I forgot to mention that when it comes to dialogue, each character should get a new line.
5651796 Then I am sorry.
5652223 Thanks for the advice.
... Veeeeeery Interesting. Ok, I'll bite.
*Puts in favorite displaced*
YOU HAPPY?
5653049 After taking lessons from Pinkie, yes.
5653062 .... I'll show myself out.
5652396 You are quite welcome. I know I would appreciate similar feedback on my stories.
AHEM... MOAR!!!!!!! if you would plz.....
5654622 I might be able to draft out a chapter sometime next week. If editing is smooth and school is easy, then I'll try.
5654661 alight
hey maybe you can also get into a crossover with the story "And Then There Were 10 ... Er ...67" if your displaced is a good guy (I think)
5654775 He is a good guy, but he might swear to often and that's actually what got him trapped in stone in the first place.
you mean tia and lulu stoned him for swearing?!!! if so then those idiots!
This cosplayer-in-Equestria shit has got to die.
5654877 his displaced Jason hueges swears too so you're fine
5655132 Then why read this story?
5655029 It kind of went like this.
Tia was trolling Lulu
Iron Man saw this
He noticed that he couldn't physically harm royalty.
I said the following. Celestia, you are a giant dick, You are so big of a sick that I think that you are tearing Luna in two when you are fucking with her. You know what, go to a fancy restaurant, because Luna could be wined and dined before you fuck her with yourself. At least go and get a condom you pervert. Five minutes later, I am at a mock trial where I have no defence and Celestia is the Judge. I am then sentenced to imprisonment. I soon state that I could easily escape. So then I am turned to stone.
I liked it.
5657336 Thanks
Nice, though when I started I was more expecting Tony Stark at a MLP convention XD Though I'm Enjoying this ^^
Promising, if you do not include a "Jarvis questions the fact the it is not Tony piloting the suit" moment I'll be disappointed.
Moar??
5680877 When the crap that I get from schools lessen, then most.
More PLEASE
we need some stories where the main character starts rallying other nations to embargo equestira or something.
5715308 to be expected still felt like putting it out there, never know after all what can come when you put the idea out
5715781 Yeah, I hope that you find a story like that.
5716351 haven't yet most still directly mess with equestrian closest I've got is griffin the griffin but that's In I believe the game of gods story line not Displaced. though it would be nice if one or more immediately said nope and began beating a forceful trail as far away from Equestria rather then stay in it. sadly so far haven't found one yet where they immediately try to get out of equestrian... honestly would like to see scenarios where the main six or other come to see or stumble on them rather than they always have to protect the people that hate them or seek revenge on equestrian (seriously trade rules world rather well, start establishing relations with other nations using talents and start putting in request to mess with equestrian trade ... will do damage legitimately )
other than up top no displaced stories I seen not intentionally messing with EQ but there was one other not following standard story arc ( just human in equstria story, don't know what the name is off hand)
(was one story where a summoned human was tortured and when escaped fled to another nation and used knowledge to establish best toy line on the market and point out a few old tradition rules still in place that made celestia look horrible given they could still be used as law to punish the people of the nation for not following)
5709829 Headless not Heartless?
I dropkicked the like button. You're gonna go far man. Seriously, I'm proud that a fellow author is getting that many likes.
5725615 Thanks, I'm working on the next chapter as you are reading this.
You know, I've seen lots of Displaced fics popping up but I have yet to see one where they cross Life is Strange with Equestria.
I found out about these fics because of Auric Fulcrum and Dullahan. The author actually put quasi-clones of my OCs in and gave their group a name himself. (The Newvale Adventuring Group (or something to that effect (it's been months since I read the relevant fics)))
Think about it: being able to avoid attacks that are faster than you can react by just rewinding time. Not to mention you'll be able to dig for info then just go back to before you had that conversation and just walk away like nothing happened.
... You'd be the ultimate thief, spy, assassin, and private investigator rolled into one.
Oh yeah! This is going to be not so much fun...
but anyways,
Then it might be better to not get my token... 3 different voices whispering at once could lead him to think he is completely insane.
Or that the token is cursed. Probably the latter, a rabbitmen-voodopuppet can lead people to assume that. Oh well, I'd like to do a crossover, so... should I just PM you then?
5655132 Hey, there's at least one REEEEEEEALLY good one out there.
Seriously. it's epic.
5733825 pm
...
5734027 . . .
5734027 Judging from the fact that you didn't respond to the previous comment, I take it that you are pissed.
5734182 Actually it was because I was writing a new chapter but I'm not sure whether I should find myself annoyed or complemented by it.
5734296 Well it merely depends on if the original purpose was fulfilled. For instance, the purpose of this chapter was to give slight backstory and for character development.
You got my attention.