I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

this is awesome. Seems very well written. Followed.

Well... damn. I really can't judge this just yet, I need to see more.

squeeeeeeeeeeee

tis is so good

cant wait to see the others reaction

also Fluttershy is best dragon

Looking good so far! I will be tracking this.

Change the name of this story, everyone will think about skyrim. In, other news: I will read later

Flutterdragon? You most certainly have my attention my good Sir/Madam. A very nicely written chapter, Here's to many more *raises glass*

Tracked, and I need to know what happens next.

WELP, OFF TO WAIT FOR ZE NEXT CHAPTUR!

FUS RO TAH

Thanks so much for the wonderful feedback so far guys! I'm starting work on Chapter 2 right now and I'm hoping to update the story every Sunday or so.

Thanks again everyone!

>>557493557493 If people think of Skyrim when they see the name 'Dragonborn', that's their problem, not Eric's. He doesn't have to change the name of this story just because of people who are obsessed with something else. It's like being compared to someone else when you're not trying to be like the one you're comparing to. It's unfair when you're being compared to someone who you're not trying to be like. Therefor, they have no right to automatically connect Dragonborn to Skyrim. I people are such Skyrim fans that they decide to make that connection, then they should read Skyrim fanfics, and leave MLP fanfics alone.

>>557579557579 He's a 'sir'.

>>557928557928 WOW WOW WOW WOW, stop just a minute... Did I say something wrong??? All I'm pointing out is that people WILL immidietly think of this story as a skyrim crossover, and Its not like I'm demanding a name change!

You cannot deny that some names associate with others. For example, if I called my story "Mario and Luigi's adventures in Ponyville" everyone WILL think of it is a super mario crossover. Should they have no right to automatically connect the names "Mario" and "Luigi" to the video game? And if they do, are they such Super Mario fans that they should read Super Mario fanfics and leave MLP fanfics alone?

And it might actually be Eric's problem if people think of Skyrim when they see the title, because they will immidietly think of it as an crossover they might not be interesting to read. Or it can be a good thing because it gets peoples attention! There are both downsides and upsides.

>>557987557987 In response to the actual title of the story, I pretty much knew straight from the get go that people would associate the story as a Skyrim crossover. But I initially decided to call the story "Dragonborn" mainly because of its significance to the overall story. Another title I had in mind was "Heart of a Dragon", but it didn't have the push I needed to make the story sound more appealing. But that's just how the cookie crumbles I guess.

No Hard feelings I hope

>>557998557998 I'm not taking any hard feelings Just got suprised over DarkAngels strongly reaction...

(And I personaly think "With a Heart of a Dragon" or something like that is a MUCH better title than "Dragonborn".)

>>558017558017 Hehe to each his own I guess. One thing's for sure though, a chapter will DEFINITELY be named that ;D

Okay, now to actually comment on the story:

This is very, very, very well written! I strongly suggest you sending this to EqD if you not already have!

I found some very, very few weird sentence buildings and if you want this story to be a absolutely perfect, you could ask someone to proof read it. But as I said, there are some very few things that is not really worth bothering about and it is defenitly nothing that lowers the quality of the story. Well done!

>>557987557987

I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I was just pointing out that you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover (literally in this case). And I see your point. And I worded what I said wrong. If Skyrim fans are MLP fans as well, then they don't have to "leave MLP fanfics alone".

I do have to point out that your analogy wasn't that great. I mean, you got your point across. But if the names "Mario" and "Luigi" are in the title, it makes it blatantly obvious that it's a Mario/MLP crossover, even if it's not a crossover. The name "Dragonborn" on the other hand only has a reference to Skyrim. And a weak one in my opinion. The only reason I would make that connection is because Eric pointed out to me. Granted, I'm not that familiar with Skyrim. But I do know about how the name does mean "dragonborn". I'm just trying to point out that if people automatically assume it's a Skyrim crossover just because of the name "Dragonborn", then they don't know enough to actually see that "Crossover" is NOT one of the tags of the story. And in my opinion, even if it was a crossover, the name "Dragonborn" could refer to anything involving dragons. It could just as easily be a Spyro crossover, or an Eragon crossover.

Personally, like Eric said, I think that "Dragonborn" is a better name than something like "Heart of a Dragon". "Dragonborn" sounds more original whereas "Heart of a Dragon" is a generic name.

And as for your comment about suggesting that Eric asks someone to proof read for him, he actually has at least 4 proof readers (me being one of them).

And I am sorry for sounding like I was accusing you. You didn't say anything wrong. It's just that I tend to get a bit defensive and come on a little strong.

im loving this! I shall be tracking this and awaiting the next chapter!

The description gave me a deja-vu.  I wonder why that could be?

Silly things aside, this is a great idea that is wonderfully executed.  I'll be waiting for more.

Yes. Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes... Do want.

I am enthralled by this concept, and I must say that the writing seems to be very organized and yet maintain an enigmatic allure.

Fluttershy of all the Mane 6 would become a Dragon. This is definitely going to be watched for more. Carry on my good sir!

>>557928557928

I find it best not to make assumptions. I know men called Robin and Jessica...

>>558336558336 In conclussion: For everyone that plays Skyrim (and all those that are somewhat familiar to meme's) will connect dragonborn with Skyrim. The connections is far from weak, because the main character in the game is "dragonborn" (so this will get repeatidly mentioned through the game, and Skyrim is a very popular game). So unfortunatly, the title Dragonborn might for some feel like a complete rip-off from Skyrim, even if it was completly un-inspired from it. But for those who have no clue about Skyrim, the title Dragonborn surely is perfect, but for the rest it might feel over used.

About the proof-reading part: As I said, there was some very, very few things that annoyed me, and it might be because English isn't my native language. The first sentence for example: "For as long as she could remember, Fluttershy had always had a strong fear of dragons."

I don't know in English, but in Swedish the double use of "had" is almost a deathsin

>>562044562044

I see what you mean. Even if people do think the term 'Dragonborn' would be a rip-off, by definition, it's only a rip-off if he intentionally took the idea from Skyrim. And one of my pet peeves is when people just jump to conclusions without getting the facts first.

And about the proof reading, I guess we missed that one thing. I think that first "had" is supposed to be "has".

>>562298562298 A has instead of had? That would make some more sense (then I have no reason to kill you )!

I think the double - had was right, actually - you're writing in past tense (it was) not present (it is) so Fluttershy "had", not Fluttershy "has". Granted, the sentence could be worded differently - it's a bit inelegant - but it works and I think you were technically correct originally.

Perhaps "For as long as she could remember, Fluttershy had been terrified of dragons" or "The thought of Dragons had always made Fluttershy's blood run cold".

Swedishdude, english does a lot of weird things - if we're not making up new rules and exceptions we're stealing from everybody else. I honestly don't blame you for going all on the language, I do sometimes (during grammer lessons - I follow the rules but they still confuse me when I have to explain them).

If there's an English teacher in the house I think we could use a second opinion.

>>564030564030

You got a point there. English can be a pretty strange language sometimes. In fact, English is sometimes referred to as a "backwards" language.

>>564030564030 "Perhaps "For as long as she could remember, Fluttershy had been terrified of dragons"" I was thinking something along these lines as well.

Confound these Grammars they drive me to insanity!

(*still nice! :P )

told ya it would hit EqD! (congrats btw)

From the title alone I expected Skyrim, but the description is interesting...

I shall read this later...

When I saw 'heart of a dragon' in the description, I immediately thought of DragonForce (Not that that's a bad thing; I love DragonForce!)

Also, awesome chapter!

I signed up just to say how much I love this, please keep up the good work!

FUCKING! YES!!!!

I absolutely LOVE the concept of the main characters turning into dragons!!!

clever use of the term "dragonborn," as well.

I see what you did there.

Image: http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk86/HiLLtoP-Boy/THISGONBGUD.gif

i'm just going to leaves this here

A story with inspiration from Ursula K. LeGuin, DragonForce, AND Studio Ghibli?!  

Image: http://j.wigflip.com/m0CtPJct/roflbot.jpg

Ok but seriously, I am anticipating great things from this story and if this chapter is any indication of what is to come, consider me enthralled!

I'll give this a chance, it looks like it has some promiss to it.

But there is one she fears in their native tounge it is dovahkin dragon born

I'm so sorry

Sincerely the Doctor

*Ahem*...

WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME!

I've been hoping for something like this for quite a while. Eager to see where you take this...

Interestingly surreal. Let's see where this goes.

Interesting concept, but I don't really have an opinion beyond that yet.

First off: congrats on the EqD feature!

Secondly: This is a wonderful story with a very original idea that I highly anticipate seeing more of in the future.

Woah, wo-ho, whoa...This is awesome

Moar, now please.

My interest, it has been captured.

Interesting... very interesting...

>>587091587091

I'm with dis nigga right here

still wonderful!

READ ALL THE CHAPTERS!!!

This reminds me of "Strictly Draconic" but from Fluttershy standpoint. Now to get on to the recording.

Awesome start, I cannot wait to read more.

...well don't just stop!

Agh! Curse these awesome stories and their cliffhangers!

In your first chapter, I could really feel for Fluttershy, her confusion, and yet a sense of exhileration at "becoming" a dragon.  Beautiful start!  I hope you'll continue this fic!  

Seems good, but I'll need a better description of her as a dragon, as far as what size she is, I mean. Spike Sized, bigger, on all fours, hind legs, ect. Starting out the second chapter with that would be great, thanks! That is, umm, if you don't mind, I mean...

Good, very good.

This is extremely interesting, and I can't wait for the next chapter! Well written, you capture Fluttershy's personality perfectly, and have great pacing and diction.

Wow, this is an excellent start to something that has 'Epic' etched all over it. Bravo good sir!

Image: http://gifs.gifbin.com/reverse-1233928590_citizen%20kane%20clapping.gif

exselent work. totaly fav. Tumbs up

Great start. Can't wait to see where it goes

(First and alsome story!) and Eric! i still dont see prob's yet!)

(Tai)

Good work. The story plot will come more deaper after this. You must think of how fluttershy will gear up to the jurnie, the jurny it self, and the twist in the ending. will run some pre reader stoff later.

This'll be fun.

That was one of the most soul-crushingly sad scenes I've ever read... good job!

The tension increases as the plot thickens.

It is time to face DA MAGICKS!

(Translation: I eagerly await the further development of this story.)

Done reading previous chapter, about to ask how long will we have to wait for a new chapter when suddenly new chapter.

I love it when that happens.

This keeps getting better and better! Can't wait for the next chapter

Oops, sorry for shouting so loudly

I wonder if Spike will go with here?

Even though I'm absolutely terrified of going, I'll go to Targus," said the timid dragoness. The sun goddess simply smiled.

"You must be absolutely terrified. Aren't you?"

This is really akward phrasing here.  Other than that, good so far!

Well, this sounds like it may deliver on what it promised. I approve of that.

I like this Story! Hope the next part comes soon^^

I've made some edits to the chapter. Thanks again for the wonderful feedback guys! =D

I did find one error. It was in the 1st sentence of the 2nd scene.

"Twilight and the rest of girls found themselves incredibly busy." It should be "Twilight and the rest of the girls found themselves incredibly busy."

Other than that, anything else only comes from andmos's nitpicking.

Poor Fluttershy

Fluttershy!  You've just become a dragon!  What do you do?

A)  Curl up in a corner quivering in fear?  

B)  Cry in misery at the anticipation your pony friends will all hate and fear you?  

C)  Give in to the beast within and begin devouring everypony in your reach!    

Hmm, well, I'd go with the old multiple choice standbye:  When in doubt, the answer is C!  

(Fluttershy goes on a ravenous rampage.... with much omming and nomming.)

I have but one irk with this chapter. For some reason this line,

"Fluttershy lay her draconic body upon the soft ground right outside her cottage. "

doesn't seem to roll across the tongue very well, or is it just me?

Perhaps,

"Fluttershy laid her draconic body upon the soft ground outside her cottage. "

Other than that though,

Image: http://j.wigflip.com/m0CtPJct/roflbot.jpg

Eagerly awaiting the next chapter!

For a second i thought that this was going to be skyrim related.

Looking great so far and very promising...

Tracking this.

The declinign standards of EqD are on full display, I think.

Awesome. I can tell this is already going to be an epic.

>>591631591631

I'm not intending to be agressive because of your opinion, but don't you think it would be helpful to at least leave some sort of suggestion on how the author could improve or something?

If you don't like it, that's your decision, but I think you should at least give a little bit of a reason so the author has a chance to improve.

>>590668590668

The fashionista's concern was relatively understandable.

What is fashionista's? Don't you meen the fashionist?

Fashionista is an actual term that you can even find in a dictionary. The definition is - a very fashionable person, especially one who works in the fashion industry. If you want more proof, just follow this link. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fashionista?s=t

After all, both Rarity and Fluttershy were spa buddies.

Friends would be a better word

I suppose you could call them friends, but you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out. However, it is a fact that Rarity and Fluttershy spend time together in the spa. So "spa buddies" would be a legitimate term for this situation. Not only that, it's an inventive, unique, and original term. And anypony who knows Eric knows that he prefers to be original.

In the back of the small house near the pen, the loud clucking of chickens could be heard.

See over "Could be heard"

Behind the door, faint sobs could be heard.

Again, see over could be heard

I don't see anything wrong with the term "could be heard".

Will you come out and tell us what's the matter?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"what the matter is" is a better statement

Well, if you want to sound like a rich snooty snob, then yes, "what the matter is" would be a more proper statement. But not everypony talks like that. There are some ponies who have a more (for lack of a better term) 'street' way of talking. So there are many ponies who would say "what's the matter". And I see Rainbow Dash as being one of the ponies. (P.S. I was only being sarcastic about the 'rich snooty snob' remark. So don't take it personally. I enjoy having fun, even if it's only in comments.)

CRASH!

What is that all about?

That was the sound effect for Rainbow Dash crashing through the door.

"Ow!" she cried.

ouch! is a better word

I see no reason why "Ouch!" should be any better than "Ow!". In fact, if you run head first into something and crash into it, would you take the time to think about fully saying "Ouch!"? I don't think so. The first ting that would come to mind in my opinion would be something simpler like "Ow!". In fact if anything, I think that "Ow!" is a better word to use than "Ouch!" because it sounds more natural.

What it was, she couldn't tell.

could not.

I think that could be a matter of opinion. I think the contraction sounds better than the 'rich snooty snob' version. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

The interior of Fluttershy's cottage made it too dark to make out what she had landed on.

See over the last word. What on?

How is there anything wrong with this sentence?

It didn't make any sense though

"did not" is a better one.

Again, that's a matter of opinion.

The duo slowly backed away towards the front door as Fluttershy revealed herself in the open light.

Her

I see nothing wrong with how this was done. In fact, replacing "herself" with just "her" would make it wrong.

Not as a pony, but a dragoness.

See over this.

Her eyes, the shade of teal.

again, see over this

Her ears and wings translucent.

must see over

Basically, this was just nitpicking. For the 1st part, the only way it would sound better is if it was "Not as a pony, but as a dragoness.". And that in my opinion is completely optional. In fact, I think leaving out the word 'as' is a good literary technique, giving it a more mysterious feel. The 2nd part, "Her eyes, the shade of teal.", the only change I would maybe suggest is removing the comma. Other than that, it keeps the feel of mysteriousness, still working as a good literary technique. And the 3rd part, "Her ears and wings translucent.", again it keeps the mysterious feel. So long story short, the way Eric worded these three sentences was in my opinion a great literary technique, giving an overall mysterious feel.

"Oh you poor thing!

Ow, you poor thing!

Eric got that one right...with the exception of the comma.

"Rainbow dear, go fetch Twilight and hurry!"

see over this

Okay, this is one of the few times I'll agree that this could look better. "go fetch Twilight and hurry!" should be separated, either with a comma "go fetch Twilight, and hurry!" or making it a separate sentence "go fetch Twilight! And hurry!"

I gotta help her!

got to or must

I gotta talk to Twilight!

got to or must

Something really bad's happened to Fluttershy!"

Bad is

Again, I have to mention Rainbow Dash's 'street' talk. In fact, 'gotta' is another word you can find in the dictionary. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/gotta?s=t

"Whatcha up to Rainbow Dash?" the ever gleeful pony asked.

What is you doing or whats up

I'll give you credit since the word 'whatcha' is not a real word, making it slang. But this isn't about how the appropriate way of saying something is, it's about how Pinkie Pie says it. Do you even know how Pinkie talks? So if you want to correct somepony about that, don't correct Eric, correct Pinkie for talking like that. (I apologize if I sounded like a jerk in that comment. If I did, I didn't mean to. But that is how Pinkie would say that.)(P.S. grammar correction: "What is you doing" should be "What are you doing".)

"Silly Dashie!

Dashy would be better choice.

I know I've already said this about 5,000 times already. But that's a matter of opinion and personal preference. In fact, I've never seen anypony use a Y before. I've only seen ponies use ie.

You're not gonna get Twilight's attention shouting like that!"

going to get

You gotta do it like this," Pinkie stated.

got to

"You're not gonna believe this Twilight...but that was Fluttershy," said Rainbow.

going to

Right now, we just gotta help her!"

got to

...I've already said it 2.87 million times. I think you know what I have to say. The words 'gotta' and 'gonna' are both legitimate contractions of the terms 'got to' and 'going to'.

She then began to pound her hooves against the door, much like Rainbow was doing.

Like could be replace with as or as if

The way you worded it would make it sound like Rainbow Dash was still pounding on the door when Pinkie started. But I will admit you have a point. If it were to be changed, it should be "much how Rainbow was doing."

It had become very clear to Twilight over the course of her stay in Ponyville that no matter how dreadful the cirumstance might be, some good would come out of it in the end

circumstance and wrong place in the comma

I'm pretty sure that the comma is in the right place.

As the trio began making their way towards the edge of the forest, a loud roar was heard echoing off in the distance.

"was heard" see over

Unless you want to modify to say "could be heard", there is nothing wrong with how that's written.

Well, I mean you're a NEW you, but NEW dragon Fluttershy is still just as good!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.

fluttershy are

Saying "are" would make the statement plural. And it is not a plural statement.

A sudden smile creeped across Fluttershy's face.

consider re-writhing. "creeped" you should deleted it

It shouldn't be deleted. But re-wrote, yes. The word "creeped" should actually be "crept". The English language can be so confusing sometimes.

She's been turned into a dragon and to make matters even worse, we have no idea how to change her back.

"She has" would be better

Again, street talking Rainbow Dash. However, I did take notice of something else in this sentence. "She's been turned into a dragon. And to make matters even worse, we have no idea how to change her back." It should be separated into 2 sentences.

Which is why I must go to Ponyville.

This is why I must go to Ponyville.

I suppose it could go either way. But I would go with Eric's original version.

Before her was the celestial princess herself.

See over this

As I've said before, changes are not necessary.

Fluttershy got off of the ground and stood before her.

"off the ground" would be a better choice

It could go either way.

She soon realized that it was her connection to you and the rest of your friends that gave her the strength she needed to defeat her greatest enemies.

were is comma?

There is no comma required. This is just a long sentence.

I count many writing errors in there. Like using the past and present wrong, and etc.

I've found very few errors, and none of which had to do with using past and present tense wrong. Perhaps Eric had already edited the errors. But I do know that if you are right about him using past and present tense wrong, then so have any actual author that I know of who has had their work published, like Katherine Applegate (the author of Animorphs and Everworld).

>>591866591866

I completely agree with you JJ. If somepony doesn't like a story, then just don't read it. But just because they don't like the story it doesn't make it a bad story.

>>591983591983

Actually, I'm perfectly fine with someone not liking a story, I just would like to see some reasoning, why it's supposibly bad in their opinion, so the person, being criticised can probably improve...

Basically, saying stuff like: "Well, this story sucks" is just no use for anyone. I want to know, what it is, about the story, that this person dislikes.

>>557928557928

I only clicked on this story because I just finished playing a bunch of Skyrim, and I happen to like crossovers.

Of course, then I saw the image and my heart exploded from sheer d'aaaaw, and I (nearly) forgot about Skyrim. Still kind of going WTF from when a dragon landed on the little platform of the College of Winterhold, but I digress.

It's time to read! *hits "add comment" and clicks the first chapter*

Edit:

Untracked, my rating now becomes a downvote. Do you know why?

You're going to make the same pathetic mistake that Strictly Draconic did and deus ex machina everything back to normal.

this is getting good.

This story is adorable, and you should continue post-haste.

And don't mind the overly-obsessive grammar Nightmares. After all, nopony's perfect!

>>591631591631

My hypothesis is that a story is more likely to feature on EqD if its premise and intro chapter hints at awesomeness, even if its execution is below average. I think this has always been the case - I know there was a discussion months ago about stories being featured long before anything remotely resembling a plot started to happen within the story.

I'll get the positives out of the way first - the imagery is pretty good. The best part of chapter 2 is the idea of Flutter-dragon trying to tear off her own skin, which is unexpected but gives us immense insight into Fluttershy's reaction - more than anything that follows that scene.

Unfortunately a lot of the prose both within and surrounding these scenes is simply bad. Here's an example at the start of chapter two:

>Something's up. There's gotta be a reason why Fluttershy hasn't been talking to us lately. Maybe she's hiding something, Rainbow thought to herself.

>"Man. I wonder what's got Fluttershy so spooked. I mean sure she can be a bit of a fraidy-cat, but this is ridiculous!" said Rainbow Dash.

These two paragraphs are almost identical. They both say the same thing - that Dash is worried and doesn't know what's going on.

Other things:

>"The fashionista's concern was relatively understandable."

Don't tell the reader how to react to a statement, particularly something mundane like "understandable" - by pointing it out you actually make it seem less true.

>But whatever she was hiding, important or not, she would find out soon enough.

>"Well, let's just get this out of the way. The sooner we figure out what's wrong, the better," stated Rainbow Dash.

At this point it seems like you're stalling, trying to fill time before the "reveal" which the reader already knows about from the summary. Again, it's redundant.

>Quite a few of Fluttershy's animals were running away.

Something to be careful of, phrases with dual meanings. I think you meant "running away" in the sense that a household pet "runs away" - it goes missing. But the way it's written here it more heavily implies "actively fleeing in terror" more than anything else, which doesn't mesh with the rest of the imagery of the scene, particularly as it's implied the transformation took place days before the scene happens. If Fluttershy's animals had been fleeing then, they should be long-gone now.

>But there was no point in stopping her now. Rarity knew that once Rainbow got started, there was no slowing her down.

Again, two sentences next to each other saying very nearly the same thing.

I can go on, but I think you get the idea. The writing is getting in the way of the story far too much for me to enjoy this.

The title made me expect Skyrim. Plus the ending is absorbing the soul of a dragon. Tricky...

...plz do something on the title that says (non skyrim related) because i was about to say (a popular skyrim crossover? woah) but now i am dissapoint and im sounding like an ass rite now so i'll just read

>>592198592198

I'm not a big fan of people automatically assuming what will happen. And just because you expect the ending, it doesn't mean the story itself will be any less of a good story. But choosing to untrack is your choice.

>>592192592192

Good point. Constructive criticism is always welcome in my opinion.

Your story is great and you should feel great!

Execution of dialogue is rather lacking in this story.  The scene where Celestia talks to Luna sounds almost robotic.  All the dialogue feels quite stilted, and in my own head the characters lack emotion, like a amateur actor blind reading lines from a script.

This isn't bad, but it certainly isn't great, and am quite surprised to see it posted on EQD.  That isn't to say I'm not going to continue reading, but it could really use some TLC.

>>592198592198

Well of course he's going to deus ex machina things back to normal.  Fluttershy randomly got turned into a dragon, the story's about deus ex machina.

No, the interesting part here is seeing how Fluttershy deals with the situation, and what unique dragon stuff she does on the way.  She still has to find the machine, and possibly get it working again, remember.  We know what the destination is, the part I'm interested in is the journey.

Hey guys, In response to the Constructive Criticism I've gotten on the latest Chapter, the Chapter will remain Unpublished for the time being so that I can make as many necessary changes as I possibly can. Thanks for understanding.

>>591961591961 first time. please don't be mad

>>591866591866

If you actually dissect the single sentence he wrote, it is in fact a reference to his issues with the story, namely typos and grammar.

Once again, still a great story! I can't wait for the journey to begin!

Haha, to bad I already read it XD. I guess I'll have to read it again...

Update soon please!

Read the first and second chapter, and I like what I've seen so far. Particularly in the second one where you have little bits here and there showing what it feels like being a dragon. Looking forward to future chapters!

Oh, i've got my eyes on this story.