A flightless pegasus pony from stable 22 finds his way out into the Equestrian wasteland. Armed with only his wits, intelligence, and mechanical genius; he will have to fend for himself, and do his best to avoid drowning.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 2nd May, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 28th, 2017
primepersephony
Just a fanfiction writer and artist for my fic The Fallout Equestria: Equestrian Wetgrave
primepersephony
Joined 2nd May, 2012 ·
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Welcome to the FoE herd
Your writing style is very eloquent - an excellent first chapter!
557039 thank you so much :) I have a rather good storyline ahead so please check back whenever I get chapter 2 up and about, it should be a drowning experience, you'll see what I mean.
yay cant wait for the next chapter
561603 Glad you enjoyed it :)
561620 np dude
That was really well done!
Not sure if you remember me, but in the compilation document we agreed to read eachother's fics.
This story is very well written, the characterisation is great and I will be awaiting chapter two.
The mechanics of the flying machine make enough sense for a cartoon, but if I was to have one little nit pick it would be the way you seem to use 'CO2' and 'Compressed air' interchangeably - they are different. CO2 canisters contain compressed carbon dioxide, compressed air is just compressed air, a mixture of nitrogen, oxygen, and trace gasses. One you can breath from, the other will kill within minutes of a 30% exposure.
598059
Oh hey dude! I do quite remember you, and I read your fic aswell, which was in fact amazing. And I'd be looking forward to dicussing with you what I liked and disliked about in in the compilation chat.
On the subject of co2 and compressed air, yes you're correct the problem I had was not fixing that inconsistency (being a paintball player I should know the difference well) . I plan to revise chapter 1 just before updating chapter 2. Infact I had an idea of how to reinforce chapter 2 with the corrections of chapter 1 (which would be minor but still.)
Anyway glad you enjoyed sifting through 16k words for something of a story. :)
603079
Send me a message next time you come online and we can chat (hopefully).
And this chapter has been edited for the sake of next chapter, thank you to my editors Calbeck357 and SargeCadet for their fantastic work on turning this entire fic around. I don't know where I'd be without them.
Buck yeah. Great job on this chapter. I enjoyed reading and editing it
new chapter yay cant wait for the next
812093
I hope you enjoyed it, lemme know what your favorite part was :D
Hell freaking yes. I'm so glad that I finally got the time to read this. Great job!
Nice first chapter. I like your style, and I loved the flight test parts. Also, finally an Overmare with feelings!
Just check for some spelling/grammar mistakes, but overall, it was a nice read.
Nice chapter indeed, it was a good read. I'll keep an eye on you.
Well, I finally got the time to read this, so let's get down to business shall we?
As with all my reviews, it must be done with imperial authority.
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ERRORS: or corrections. Also tips.
- I think you should just replace the semicolon with a comma.
*here's how to use semicolons properly, according to common knowledge. A semicolon is used to separate two ideas which can stand on their own, and is often used to separate 'sentences within sentences'.
"I could go there tomorrow, maybe; I have other things to do."
It may just be me, but I think that you should separate this from the paragraph it's merged with. Also, you missed a space for 'the' after the first sentence. Also... whipping around what?
- I highly suggest turning the 'rrrip' into another paragraph.
- I suggest you turn that into 'what IT would do next...'. Also, 'occurred' has two r's.
- This paragraph right here shows that you and I share a common thing in writing: we both make our narrators acknowledge the fact that they are narrating, and therefore allow them to add their own thoughts into the narrative. That aside, you should take away one of the spaces after this paragraph.
- Wrong placement of commas, I think. Try 'I'm not insane, even if I'm sure my methods and apparel seem absolutely...'
Now, regarding commas and and quotations...
"I said so," she said. ---> notice the comma BEFORE the sentence ends, and the lower-case property of the 'she'.
She said, "I said so." ---> Capital 'she', and the comma comes BEFORE the sentence.
-Might I suggest moving character description to the paragraph when he first comes out? It's kind of out of place here.
** As a general note, I think you should look over the entire chapter to spot some little errors here and there. While I can understand the story well, it's immersion-breaking to see these little punctuation/grammatical errors pop up everywhere. It's still better than my own first chapter when it first started out, though; I had to edit it FIVE times to make it the quality it is now. Still, with some editing, this could become so much better.
My general impression of the chapter is good, though I've only read around 1/3rd of it so far. I sympathize with Champ, especially because of your writing style which makes him knowingly narrate it. The other characters so far are fine too, though I'd add a little more drama and length to some convo's. I'll get back on this later, as I have a few other things to read. In the meantime, have an approving Commodus:
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BOOKMARK: ‘’So I heard that you’ll be off to see the Overmare in a little bit,’’Wax was a grey stallion with equally grey hair. ‘’That is once we’ve isolated and fixed this damned click.’’ He seemed annoyed, then again so was I at this persistent, head hurting click.
Review #1, part 2 go!
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- I suggest you try to create a more... satisfying scene separation. It would also be nice if you expounded on Champ's cutiemark story a bit more. As of now, it seems rather empty.
- Again, watch for the proper usage of semicolons.
*You seem to capitalize the letter ' I ' often, even if it's not necessary. Like in your 'It's'. You also miss out on a lot of spaces, especially right after a sentence.
- 'There's no telling if I could get even...' That doesn't sound right...
- I think that this, together with any other paragraph that has a similar error, should be made into a past tense paragraph.
- My wings?
- Should there be a 'was' before that 'something.'
- I'm pretty sure that water condenses when frozen.
- Do I sense a physicist pony? :3 Please say yes!
- They often COMPLAINED.
- Once more, I find that our writing style for our character's narrations are similar!
BOOKMARK: Loud cheering came across my ears all of a sudden, I could hear the cheering of the stable ponies below me, all of them yelling and hollering, for...me. The one pony in the entire stable that was a joke through and through and more of an annoyance. Now I had become...I guess, in their eyes a hero. It was like the rise of the underdog in one of the single non-educational books I read. Coincidentally that book gave me these ideas of not accepting defeat in the first place, and to continue to try and try till either I could try no longer or I finally succeeded.
Now, despite the increase and abundance of small errors and misspells, not to mention wrong usage of commas and semicolons, I still approve of this!
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This is a bit of... Okay, so this review post was going to be longer than Celestia's horn (in 12pt font too), so I put it on a gdoc instead. I'll admit, I'm harsh. Most of this is negative, and it can be easy to lose track of the positive, so I'll post it here :D
You have great descriptions.
Some of your ideas are simply amazing, namely: how a pegasus would act in a stable, the underwater stable, use of water as a method of tension, and a very clear goal of returning to the stable (and method of doing so).
Please don't let my criticism stop you; instead, let it push you on to great achievements.
Good Luck,
Fillyosopher
CHAPTER 1 AND 2 REVIEW
Very well done. Are you planning to continue with this?
1866267
Quite sir, I'm going through processes to make the writing much better then it currently is. So the first two chapters will be fixed up and chapter three released at the same time, along with a cover I'm working on. ;D
1924805
That sounds excellent. I look forward to seeing the changes, in addition to new material!
To what extent are you attempting to change this? Is it merely cosmetic or superficial changes, or are you planning on a couple re-writes?
1927094
For now we're working mostly on fixing the shoddy writing, help with the pacing, flow of the story and as well as adding some things in to better the actual storytelling (foreshadowing especially) . Also since I've published chapter two, I've done a ton of reorganizing of the plot, so when it comes to writing the next chapters it will be much more planned and thought out. That's also not to say that I haven't been writing this entire time.
I have chapter 3-7 worked on to some extent (actual writing done) I'm just waiting for the new editors to catch up at this time. There's also a whole bunch of FOE art I have saved up so if your following the foe group you'll have a chance to see some of that too.
I can't promise that it'll be soon though as we just started and there's a ton of work to do. But I imagine once we get passed a couple hurdles and into working on chapter 2-3 were going to be picking up quite a bit of pace as my writing skill is also getting better and inherently less flawed.
And trust me for what I have planned in the future it'll all be worth the wait. :D
I still haven't started due to the lack of updates is this still going to go on if so I'll start but if not I don't want to start something that isn't going to be finished.