~*~*~Act One: No Strings Attached~*~*~
"Hmmmrmmfff..." Betsy chewed on a leafy cupcake napkin. The flakey remnants of brown chocolatey bits lingered on the rhinoceros' gray, wrinkled lips. "Mmmfff... y'know... there are some hippy yahoos out there who make edible versions of these thingies that go around the breaded part of a cupcake. And if you ask me... that's total bull bunk. Sometimes you should just have something stupid to chew on after making love to your sweet-tooth. Just 'cuz."
Pots and pans rattled. Drawers opened and slammed shut in the distance.
Betsy's hairy nostrils snorted. As she chewed on the leafy fabric in her mouth, she glanced around the brightly colored confectionery with a squinting expression.
"Grffff..." She waved her horn around. "Why's this place of yours so damned peppy? I swear... it's like my old boyfriend ate a mountain of cherries and just... muckspreaded all over the friggin' room and tables. Hrmmmf... no shit. The color scheme you've got here is like Alcoholics Anonymous for ladybugs. For realsies, girl. I don't know whether to eat in this place or wrap the entire establishment over my shoulders and go hunting for quail."
More rattling. The kitchen echoed with cacophonous rummaging noises.
Betsy sighed. "Ptoooie!" She spat the fabric out and glared across the bakery. "Sweetie Drops, I don't mean to be a bother, but just what in the holy name of hippopotamus clitoridectomies are ya doin' over there behind that counter?!"
Downtown Ponyville – Bon Bon's Bountiful Bakes – Ten Minutes Into The Former Agent Sweetie Drops' Latest Conniption Fit
Bon Bon panted and panted... fumbling through drawers and cabinets full of random metal utensils and lopsided kitchen equipment.
"Come on... come onnnn..." She gnashed her teeth, sweating bullets as her peach hooves made a mess out of once-orderly tools. "Where did I put the d-damned thing?! I know it's not at home! I always figured this would happen at work! That's where everypony sees me!"
"Yo!" At last, Betsy stood up, knocking a table over with her mammalian girth as she marched across the eatery. "Equestria to Sweetie Drops! Are you still alive? Or do I gotta skin your pelt off and raise it at half mast?"
"I'm here, Betsy," Bon Bon grunted, frowning sweatily into her frenzied search. "And it's 'Bon Bon' now."
"Pffft! What the hell kind of an alias is that?!"
"A very unassuming, non-threatening one!"
"Yeah..." Betsy snorted. "Like 'Sweetie Drops' was any more grizzled, ya furby."
Bon Bon glared over her shoulder. "I also happen to be very fond of it."
"I can tell! You put a lot of love into those cupcakes... maybe a bit too much. Lemme guess?" Betsy tilted her head aside. "New stallion in your life?"
"Mrmmmfff..." Bon Bon searched.
"New mare?"
"Grrrrrffff..." Bon Bon searched and searched.
"... ... ..." Betsy blinked. "...don't tell me that you special order from Naughty Wyvern. I thought that was Sharp Quill's sticky schtick."
"I'm looking for the syringe, okay?!" Bon Bon barked over her flank, huffing and puffing. "I... I seem to have misplaced it," she murmured, red in the face.
"Wait..." Betsy's eyes narrowed. "...you mean the League Issued Blood Sampler?"
"Mmmmmmmmm..." Bon Bon hung her face, hiding her blushing cheeks. "...yeah."
"Snkkkt—pffft—hah hah hah!" Betsy's thunderous laughter rattled the glass windows to the place.
"Shhhhhh!" Bon Bon leaned over the counter, grimacing. "Keep it down, will ya?!"
"Girl, you're something else, y'know?" Betsy smirked. "You let me sit down at your table. You stuff me full of chocolate cupcakes. And after all that fru-fru shiet, now you wanna screen me for being a changeling?!"
"Well, it's st-standard procedure, isn't it?!"
"What, the cupcakes? I'm sure that was the furthest thing from Chief Agent Sombra's mind. At least before he turned evil and started... I dunno... rubbing crystals all over his butt."
"Betsy, I'm serious!" Bon Bon sputtered.
"Girl, if you're serious, then you don't even know I'm Betsy! I could be a huge doppelganger come to suck your juices out! Hell... I might be ten of them buggers in a suit, ready to dance all over your ass and call it a holocaust!"
"I'm out of the loop, okay?! Can you blame me?!"
"Pffft... in a town like this? No, ma'am." Betsy rolled her eyes. "'Ponyville'... hrmmmfff... real original. That's like if I grew up in a place called 'Hornland' back in the Zebrahara." The rhino sighed. "Look. Sweetie Drops. I'll make it easy for ya..." She reached towards the front counter.
"Huh?" Bon Bon turned, blinking. She flinched. "No-no-no! Betsy! Don't! It's not necessar—" Glass shattered, causing Bon Bon to wince.
"Look..." With casual grace, Betsy took the sharp end of a broken sundae dish and sliiiiiiiiiiced it across her left shoulder. Crimson blood oozed out in tiny little rivulets. "See? Totally not green or sticky! So... I'm not a bug! Just your good ol' rampaging rhino buddarette. Ya happy?" Betsy smirked.
Bon Bon let loose an exasperated sigh. "You really... really didn't have to do that."
"Pffft... it barely tickles." Betsy tossed the remainder of the dish behind her. "Besides... the blood matches the paint job!"
Bon Bon winced as the rest of the dish shattered. "You believe I'm me, though..." She gulped. "Right?"
"Don't worry. I ain't gonna make you do the same thing, girl. Besides... you never cared much for Linkin Pony."
"Okay... so..." Bon Bon faced her from across the glass counter. "...let's start again from the top."
"Well, I'm not sure there even is a top to start from no more!" Betsy glanced at Bon Bon incredulously. "I mean... if Chief Agent Horizons never bothered to page you... then something tells me the ball's no longer in your court. Unless..." She squinted. "...you done dropped that ball."
"What? No!" Bon Bon folded her forelimbs with a huff. "I assure you, Betsy, I've been loyal to the cause of the League for every hour of every day of my hiding!"
"Yeah. Super." Betsy smirked. "So... how many times do you say the mantra between slapping cinnamon rolls together?"
"I'm not kidding." Bon Bon spoke in a serious tone. "All this time... I expected to be called back into duty... but it never happened."
"Did you never once think to contact the rest of us yourself?"
"Well... no. Because I was attempting to lay low."
"Even when the Bug Bear got lassoed? That happened here in your town, girl!"
Bon Bon shuddered. She glanced aside, brushing a hoof over her blue and pink bangs. "Yeah. That was... s-something else, huh?"
"I'm tellin' ya Sweetie Buns... it shook the whole world when that bastard finally fell back into Tartarus! When I heard the news, I leapt up and kissed the closest pony to me! Heh... too bad I was workin' in a morgue at the time."
"So then..." Bon Bon leaned forward. "You've been called? You... Haze... Sharp Quill? Is everyone back in Canterlot?"
"Well... no. But we've been told to wait further instructions," Betsy said. "Me, Haze, Sharpie—we've been chatting up a storm ever since we got word from Horizons. Getting to reconnect and know each other again... just waiting for the order to move in. I swear... this has been the longassiest year that ever did longass'd."
Bon Bon swallowed a lump down her throat. "Is... is everyone okay?"
"Yeah, girl. To be honest, I was a bit worried that we hadn't heard from you. A bit, mind you. It takes more than a tiny dosage of abject loneliness to skewer this horn-valkyrie." Betsy snorted. "I wonder why Horizons never sent you a message?"
"It doesn't exactly surprise me," Bon Bon muttered, gazing aside. "The last time I saw her—the last time I saw any of you... she was implying that I... erm..."
"Yeah? What?"
"Ahem... she seemed to wish that I... just settle and live a normal life here in Equestria."
"You mean drop out of the League?"
"More or less, yeah." Bon Bon waved a hoof. "She used Dad's... ... ...Chief Agent Sugar Cane's death as leverage for her argument. And... let's face it... I was waaaaaaay too young to be doing the same kind of things that you and others were doing."
"Didn't stop you from kicking flank in Stalliongrad that one time!"
"Yes, well..." Bon Bon smiled bashfully, fussing with her bangs again. "A mare knows how to make do."
"So... Horizons gave you a sappy speech about going out on your own, huh?"
"Pretty much, yeah. She even gave me her life's savings."
"No shit?"
"It made sense. After all, she was going to go work with Princess Celestia and Luna," Bon Bon said. "By now, the regal sisters must know everything about the League."
"Maybe..." Betsy fidgeted. "...maybe not."
"Huh?" Bon Bon blinked.
"You know how I said that communication has opened... but we haven't been asked to go anywhere yet?"
"Uh huh..."
"Well, according to Horizons, it mainly has to do with finding the right spot."
"You mean..." Bon Bon's muzzle hung agape. "...the League's not gonna operate out of Canterlot anymore?"
"Well, we kinda sorta burned that place to shit over a year ago."
"Good point..." Bon Bon rubbed her head in thought. "Then—like—where else is there to hide out? Manehattan? Fillydelphia?"
"Those were my guesses. But then there was something that Horizons said that didn't make much sense."
"What was that?"
"She said 'we gotta wait for our new friends in the Royal Council.'"
"Royal... Council?" Bon Bon cocked her head aside. "But they operate below Luna and Celestia."
"Right!" Betsy nodded. "Which means that—shit you not—the League may be more common knowledge than we thought."
Bon Bon stared off, heavily contemplating that. "Just... what the Hell has Horizons been up to?"
"Perhaps Celestia and Luna have told her to spread the love around, so to speak."
"How so?"
"Well, think about it. The Bug Bear's back in chains, and that's some good shit. But there are still plenty of Tartarusian freaks lurking about... not to mention a changeling queen that's been missing for Goddess-knows-how long. Celestia decided on complete deniability—just as Horizons and your dear old Pops predicted. If it's time to put the League back together, where can you put them besides Canterlot or the Palace of the Regal Sisters?"
"Well... if the Royal Council is part of the planning process now..." Bon Bon thought aloud. "...then I'm guessing that the nobility are getting involved. And they function hoof-in-hoof with Equestrian aristocracy—" She froze, blinking. "Betsy... do you suppose that...?"
The rhino nodded. "They're gonna privatize us. The League's gonna be operating on a donated budget."
"But that's... that's..." Bon Bon grimaced. "...so sucky!"
"I know. Sharpie and Haze feel the same way. But every time we ask Horizons about it, she clams up over the sound stone leylines... tells us not to get our thongs in a twist." Betsy grumbled, "And now I hear about her trying to shoo you away... you... the daughter of the best damned Chief Agent that the League's ever had!"
Bon Bon bit her lip.
"Something's fishy in monster-hunting land," Betsy muttered. "I came here for more than cupcakes and bloodletting, girl. I came here for answers."
"I'm... not sure I have any, Betsy."
"But together, maybe, we can figure it out. I mean... this place is Lameville." Betsy smirked. "Not like you have anything special planned in this downstream salmon egghole of a farm town, right?"
"Ermmmmm..." Bon Bon fidgeted.
"... ... ...right?"
"Ahem." Bon Bon marched out from behind the counter. "We should... uh... talk about this somewhere more private." She locked the front door and pivoted the dangling store sign around so that it read "closed." "Someplace where we won't accidentally spew forth the secrets of the League any more than we already have."
"Ohhhhhhh... the serious panties kick in." Betsy smirked. "What's the matter, Sweetie Box? Afraid that the local lavender monarch might be listening in? I hear she's a very nosy one, that Twiggy."
"Twilight," Bon Bon corrected. "And, no, I'm not worried about her." She tilted her chin up with a proud smirk. "Because I happen to know that Princess Twilight Sparkle is currently busy with very... very serious matters at the moment."
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Pffft
...Why am I getting the feeling that this is a bad idea?...
I will be using "Lameassed" for quite some time now.
Also, Horizons is up to something. Something big.
~Skeeter The Lurker
too young, dear.
7340918 Your profile pic, though
Where you get it?
Several thousand words in, we actually get the story that was advertised.
Except we don't, because we're getting Bon Bon's story.
Blueblood is putting a bid in for hs own private secret army?
All that history wiped out, jus cos someone got a little worried and nothing to restar with only a year later?
In other times Id have said that was a nasty bit of planning, selling out his freinds for a cushy nonexecutive ver well paid position.
Hey! You'd never believe the things those wyverns can do with their stingers!
7340925
I don't even remember for sure. Just stumbled across it somewhere, loved the combination of Best Princess and absurdity, and ran with it.
... Longest introductory part ever.
Damn, was hoping that the changelings would've assassinated some of the league members by now.
7341132 The idea is to find ways to get around such things without applying plot armour.
7341231 Not with the near, but they could've kept pestering the smile members whenever they were trying to mount any kind of offensive against the thing.
Fantastic setup. Gave me all the world-building I wanted and set up the relationship between Bonny and Lyra famously. Now we wait to see if the story perspective-shifts to Lyra when she finds Chrysalis or starts swapping between them for both of their reactions.
Best timestamp? Best timestamp.
In any case, privatizing S.M.I.L.E. definitely seems fishy. There are quite a few ways this could go sour. Still, I don't yet have enough information to do more than feel vague unease.
One day Lyra Heartstrings was just chillin' on her web... made of... lyres... or something...
Anyway, she be chillin' like dat when some alien black cherngelerng goo from space landed on the web and oozed over her and she was like, "Oh cool, now I can haz moar powah!"
And then she fought a bunch of villains, including Sandmare who just showed up for no reason connected to the rest of the plot.
The end!
(You may thank me for reminding you all about how stupid "Spiderman 3" was.)
7342674 you are a beautiful person.
Log Date: 13 Chapters In
Status: Advertised Plot has yet to commence
Analysis: Apparently, it's a goddamn crime to be upset at a story that doesn't deliver the proposed plot. Look, all of you that seem okay with this. If a person clicks on this story, and reads all 13 current chapters, they arent going to find the story they came for. Just because you're okay with that, doesn't mean everyone is, nor does it mean anybody should. Quite frankly, I'm giving this story until chapter 30 until the description is a blatant lie. And no, I don't care what skirts put in some blog post that a casual reader who doesn't follow him would never see. It isn't clever or interesting to say your story will be one thing, and have 30 chapters of specifically not that.
Appledashery is different because that situation IS the whole plot. This is like if Iron Man followed Pepper Pots for 45 minutes.
And it isn't even that I don't like skirts. I really do. And it isn't like I don't like the story so far. I do. I just don't like what's happening here so far, what with the plot most people clicked here for not happening.
7343262 If it's setting the stage, then there's too much of it. Think of it like this. Why couldn't the story have started with Lyra from the get-go and have the history of the changelings revealed through exposition during the story, instead of dumping the aforementioned history all at the beginning.
ILOVETHISILOVETHISILOVETHIS!
7343428 For the record, I agree with you.
7343540 It's just a great big massive exposition dump that detracts from the story's overall development.
I'm honestly curious at what point Lyra shows up?
7343766 Honestly, in Skirts' situation, I would have delayed the story slightly while I wrote out all this overwrought backstory, and then gone into the story proper once I fully understood the universe it operated within.
This is the point at which an author being transparent with their readers becomes detrimental.
7343780 Had it been up to me, I'd've gone straight into the story and released the expositional chapters during the plot as interlude chapters so the readers aren't dumped upon with such a big backstory
As it is, the structure has ruined the story.
7343262 You can't blame people for thinking they were lied to at this point. I'm not saying they're right, but it's been 13 chapters, with no hint that the plot explained in the description doesn't seem close to happening. And if the story never actually goes to Lyra's POV, and it sticks with Bon Bon the whole time, there's no defending that. Not saying it will, but only if.
People weren't drawn here for a Bon Bon story. They wanted a Lyra story.
7340929 With you on that one.
At this point I'm all; "Where the fuck is Lyra!? That's who I came here to read about!"
7343188 I have 'a beautiful mind'...
Hush! The mind voices speak to me now! I must obey their commands!
7340929 What kind of people downvote a simple statement of fact without explaining themselves?
7343780 Actually, I'd be perfectly happy if there was a disclaimer in the story description, to be taken down when the promised interaction finally occurs.
In fairness to the author, he did mark everything before this chapter as "Prologue", but currently there are thirty-four thousand words devoted to two separate stories which are not the story in the description, and twenty-five hundred words devoted to a story which may or may not be the story in the description. That's honestly ridiculous, even if the story is less than a week old.
7344130 Rabid fanboy defenders is my best guess.
7344173 AKA white knights.
I'm guessing that a lot of the downvoted comments are by one person.
When is Lyra showing up? I came here to read about Lyra -_-
Okay, everyone likes build up. But around 34,000 words worth of fucking buildup is bullshit. GET TO THE DAMN STORY ALREADY!
That description is so vividly raunchy!
Hippo boyfriend confirmed! Betsy's late mother has got to be a local power generator with how fast she's spinning...
While the description was misleading, I'm too immersed in Bon Bon's storyline to care too much. I came here to read a good story, and got an exceptional one.
Why am I commenting this? To feed the flames in the comments of course.
Ah, yes. The XCOM school of funding
Yeah, I'm not trusting this. We've only seen the blood as still attached to her.
Call me paranoid, but...
I am tempted to talk to an admin or mod about this story's description lying about what the story is about because this is getting beyond rediculouse and is basicly a straight up lie at this point as I came for Lyra and Chrysalis as super heroes plot, not a clandestine spec ops unit and what its members are up to with very little mention of Lyra.
7469283 It's called building up a proper storyline ya dingus.
To be honest, you may have to separate them into separate stories. The Sweetie Drops// Bon Bon arc is taking away from what the original story was supposed to be. You could take this "arc", and put in a prequel story; That way, people aren't feeling like it was false advertising. Believe me, I love the story so far! But that's just it; I am more immersed in Bon Bon's story, then the potential Lyra story we have yet to encounter.