Twilight Sparkle receives a package for advanced magic. She tries out a spell, and instead of doing what she wanted it to do, she accidentally had all 6 ponies switching bodies! Now they must figure out how to live in each other's shoes while they figure out how to switch back.
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Inb4 it has bad grammar. I need an editor.
...speechless...
The way it's written...It's like Full-Life Consequences with proper spelling.
First, you have a good idea. Swapping bodies is something that the show hasn't done, and it's a good source of humor.
Second, you know your characters, and you kept them in mind as you wrote the story.
Here's some writing tips.
1. Even when you write in the third person, choose one character as the main point of view. Follow that one character as she explores the new body, the new expectations, and keeping track of who is in who's body.
2. Make sure that your resolution makes sense. When you start the story, Twilight already knows about the vials; why didn't she look at them more carefully at the beginning?
3. It's more common to write fiction in the past tense than in the present tense. If you want to break that rule, be sure that you have a reason for it.
Keep on writing, KFish.
31499 - I don't know about the 'bad grammar' bit, but I'd say the main thing for me was that you were telling things and telling them really briefly at that, most authors and people that teach story writing say you should 'show not tell', which also goes hand in hand with Chip Unicorn's point about sticking with one character and how and what they're doing. For a case in point, from my own style, which isn't the best I'll admit, this should be the beginning of the second scene:
When everypony wakes up, they all feel different. Twilight looks around to see what happened, when she sees herself. She is frightened, so she looks in the mirror to see if she’s still herself. Nope. She sees Pinkie Pie staring back from the mirror. The other ponies freak out that they look like somepony else, and when they all calm down, Twilight tries to explain what happened. She thinks that she got angry and her emotions increased the intensity of the spell. The pony that now looks like Rainbow Dash goes to check the apples, which are cupcakes on the inside. She exclaims that the spell worked. Twilight can tell that she is really Pinkie Pie. The pony that looks like Twilight yells at the real Twilight to change them back. Twilight now knows that she’s Rainbow Dash. The pony that looks like Applejack is complaining about how her hair is unkempt and she’s wearing an ugly hat, and the pony that looks like Fluttershy asks her if she has a problem with how she looks. The pony that looks like Rarity is just sitting in a corner, because she’s not sure what to say. Rainbow Dash is still exclaiming to change them back, but Twilight can’t, because she no longer has her horn. Rainbow Dash realizes she has Twilight’s horn, so she thinks she can save the day and perform the magic to change them back, but after several tries, she can’t even lift an apple magically. Twilight mocks Rainbow Dash about how she thinks magic is so easy, and tells her,
“If it’s so easy, why can’t she change them back, or even lift the apple?” At this, Rainbow Dash is so angry she yells at Twilight.
That's what you've got, which is telling us how the ponies wake up from an omnisecient 3rd person viewpoint, it would probably work better focused on how Twilight wakes up and finds that she's now in Pinkie's body along with how she interprets the others' reactions, like Rainbow yelling, which can be expanded on to bring up how/what Dash says and what happens when she finds that magic isn't something you can just do.
The other points Chip raises are good ones as well, while it's stylistic, more often it's easier to write in 3rd person, past tense rather than 3rd person present tense, the stories I've seen using present tense are normally 1st person because you're literally in one character's head. Also with focuses and tenses, remember that 3rd person can range from omniscient to focused, with most writing in focused.
On resolution, I only skim read, mostly due to the style clashing with my preferred, however Chip does make a point about why something doesn't occur sooner since Twi was experimenting when the others came in so she should know what is where and where the cure should be so that is something that should be dealt with in story as to why she doesn't jump on what's where and have Dash try to sort things out.
31804
Thanks for the tips guys. I really needed to know what was wrong with this story. It looks like I need to make a complete overhaul, and I'm gonna change it quite a bit. Some ideas for changes:
1. Make different chapters for the different ponies. That way I can still jump around and have the story still work.
2. Change to past tense.
3. Be a WHOLE lot more descriptive and explain events more.
Any more suggestions would be great. If #1 doesn't work, I'll just edit the story to make it from Spike's point of view the entire time and change the story to make it work.
Rainbow Dash = Twilight Sparkle
Twilight Sparkle = Pinkie Pie
Pinkie Pie = Rainbow Dash
Rarity = Applejack
Applejack = Fluttershy
Fluttershy = Rarity
Also...
Fluttershy = Rarity
Spike = Baby dragon. Also has crush on Rarity.
Hagrid = Likes dragons
Fluttershy = Likes (baby) dragons.
Conclusion: Hagrid used to be a pony (more precisely, pegasus).
Conclusion 2: Spike won the grand prize.
The ending seems a little rushed