Some holes can't be fixed.
How did she become so evil? Follow the story Queen Chrysalis, Herself, gives.
Chapters (4)
mikerockks
Joined 28th Apr, 2012 ·
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I see what you did there.
1406269 LOL yep, i'm a big U2 fan
I love everything with all my heart. "Nope. THEY KILLED ME." BAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!! Simple as that mate. xD
I think this story hasn't gotten enough love for the effort you've put into it, so let me be the fist to post a review for it here.
All right, first thing's first. Don't post chapters that are extremely short. As a general rule, most chapters should be kept over 750 words at the bare minimum.
Grammar score - 8/10
Generally very good, with few mistakes. However, mistakes do exist, and you occasionally use bigger, more complex sounding words in place of simpler ones to make your writing seem more sophisticated/mature. This is a common error that many new writers tend to make, and you should always opt to not use a word until you fully understand its meaning and have witnessed its proper use at least once before. For example,
The word 'antagonizing' doesn't sound too nice here, and it clashes with the rest of the sentence in terms of fluidity. On a side note, 'horrifing' should be changed to 'horrifying'.
Pros
- This was a nice idea you had.
- I'm also glad that you pulled it off as a short story, not rambling on with the details too much.
- You show character development quite nicely during the 1000~ish words you used.
- You provoke emotion within the readers very well.
Cons
- You rush through things. You go over details and events so quickly, not giving readers time to process what they just read, moving on to another plot twist or event. Things pop out at people out of nowhere.
- Logic errors. This is most likely your biggest issue. A changeling isn't a disease, it's a separate race. Changelings feed off of love, and there wasn't any mention of that in here. Although, these two issues could be fixed by slapping on the alternate universe tag. When you wrote
, it makes no sense for the criminal to remain at the crime scene. Sure, there could be reasons behind it. The robber could have been caught just as she was about to leave, or was just plain stupid and didn't leave. Either way, you need to explain.
A spoon. Really? That's quite a strong spoon, to be able to dig through concrete. Jails wouldn't be made of material you could easily break and escape from. That defeats the whole purpose of a jail.
- One last note. Don't use numbers in creative writing. It's just much more visually appealing to read 'two' instead of seeing an out of place '2' surrounded by text. Keep things uniform. It's more of a formatting issue.
My Overall Rating of this Fic - 7/10
- Vision: 7/10
You picked out a character you liked, and tried to explain their backstory. Not the most original plotline, but still a nice idea nonetheless.
- Writing style: 7.5/10
Nice grammar, and general style of writing. You tend to keep it very simple, though.
Well, now that that's over, have yourself a like, a few things to consider, and a nice day!
-Black Lightning-