A young man recently moved in order to work as a security guard for Canterlot High School. One night on patrol, he discovered an abandoned unicorn filly. Two and a half years later, these recordings are the only evidence left.
Written for the 'More Most Dangerous Game' contest using the 'My Little Dashie' prompt.
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Wow... it's all names sense...
NEEDS SEQUEL!
Mmm...well that was one hell of a re-telling, and with only the odd word out of place too!
Think you did a grand job with the format too. All in all, bravo.
You wrote "Twilie" instead of "Twyla" a couple of times.
Overall, pretty good. It could be improved with stronger characterization (the names eventually start blurring together) and a little more focus. It's not clear if the story is about Twyla growing up or about something something the government.
5834048
This is correct, because 'Twilie' is a pet-name.
I think each person really decides what this story is about. To me, it's never really been about 'Twyla' so much as it is about Shane's steady decline. He's not nearly a good a person as people might think simply by virtue of him being the protagonist...
5834091
That's fair. It simply felt a little inconsistent for me: 'Twilie is said four times in the story (in two distinct 'clusters'), and in between those there were numerous times where Shane still called Twyla by her name.
I dunno, he doesn't really do anything bad. He still has the best of intentions (road to hell and all that, I know), and there aren't any real tragic consequences from his actions that lead me to believe that he's anything but a good person. And him being a protagonist is rather irrelevant in that regard.
Oh gee, that sounds pretty fucking dark; Homicide with a dose of sui.
Ah, conspiracies.
I liked it well enough but it felt like attention was split between the conspiracies and their relationship. The former was stronger so I felt that one could have been given a little more nod. I also agree that I don't see Shane as a bad guy or even an antagonist, even Byronic Hero, in any respect. He felt like a real good buy that was just dealt a bad hand after a good one.
I admit that the fly on the wall perked my interest. I have a few theories on who it may be. I like this story.