Spike decides to create a love potion to try and win over Rarity, but this decision soons come to haunt him when he accidentally gives it to Twilight. Creepy stalking ensues.
Heh heh, silly Spike.
Oh no. No no no no no.
Though there are a few mingling details in the first few lines, mere spelling and such, I just feel horrid for Spike! Now, I'm hardly one to suggest magical coercion - nature and circumstance tend to right the balance - but Twispike is a delicate tightrope! Rarity be damned!
Sadly, having quietly cheered the little scamp on from the sidelines, I selfishly want to see where this ends up. Goodness knows it'll be messy, but I have faith.
Well? Shall we see how crazy things get? Let's proceed!
a pinch of pixie dust + two cups of apple cider + one phoenix feather + three cacao leaves + A teaspoon of unicorn saliva + a dragon scale = coffee
Ha, this is great. I'm looking forward to more.
Run, Spike! Run! This sounds fun, I'd like to see you continue it.
Oh this is gonna be great, poor Spike
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASEEEEE WRITE MORE YES
Do keep going please.
This sounds like it's going to be fun.
For first story? GOOD. CONTINUE. CTHULHU DEMANDS IT.
This looks good
And an interesting story idea
That gap at the end made me think there was going to be some random quip at the end there, like...
Anyway, very interesting concept, very well executed, and I want more.
I gotta say, it usually not easy to make me laugh so freely, but that last line by Twi cracked me considerably. The buildup helped though.
Definatly a fav, lets see how Spike will clean up his mess.
Heheh, this was a pretty hilarious set-up, if you ask me! It could've been the start of a silly, slapsticky episode, maybe, were it not for Twilight's horribly inappropriate flirting. (Which I got a kick out of.. I'm going to hell, aren't I? )
I would also like to see where you might go with this, so please, do continue!
As for criticism: try to use ellipses a lot less. Those generally shouldn't be used in lieu of actual punctuation, particularly outside of dialogue, and even within spoken sentences it's very easy to go overboard with them. Natural speech does have lots of pauses, but you do not need to approximate this in writing for the most part. You did use them legitimately and to good effect a few times, mind you! But cutting down on the number of little dots makes those instances stand out a lot more. Using them in characters' private thoughts is more understandable, but you really don't need to go all stream-of-consciousness on us - it gets kinda of distracting, to be honest.
I do like your use of italics for emphasis, though. That, too, can be overdone, but you pretty much hit the Goldilocks zone with that technique, stressing exactly the right words, in my opinion.
But an excellent first entry, despite these minor quibbles! Kudos!
I have to admit, I cracked up at that last line of Twilight's...even when they're being creepy, they're still adorkable!
I can't wait to see the next chapter! An awesome start!
Run away, Spike. Run far away.
Didn't you learn ANYTHING from hearts and hooves day, Spike? Way to go incapacitating the ONE UNICORN that would be able to help you out of the inevitable mess a love potion would create.
-> "Incest occurs in 72.3% of animals. It's natural."
That line was literally Laugh Out Loud funny. I really can't wait for the next chapter!
Great job, please continue! Also can't wait to see rarity's reaction to this
Oh my goodness. This concept. And Twilight's last line really cinches this one for me.
Take my thumb and my fave.
(Sees the summary.)
(And I won't even start with how I reacted afterwards...)
Oh i cant stop laughing this is gonna be gud
This is going to be aaaaaaaaawkward, isn't it?
uuuuuuummmmmmm, oooookaaaaay. *backs away slowly*
other than that, take these, you deserve them!
and I loved the line about incest! Twilight is such a nerd!
Your formatting is a bit off, and even though you've mentioned this is a prologue, it seems too much like I'm jumping headfirst into something without any prior direction. There was a lack of build-up or suspense for the prologue itself, which I suggest your attention to be diverted to in order to really allow us to get into it. What you should have started off with as a comedic foreground and a suggestive background, something to tease us and get us to continue reading in suspense (In essence, a page turner). You were too direct in this, and the overall desirable effects of anticipation were made more dull than it has a right to be.
Suspense was something that I learned that, in any book, even by genre, to be essential as an element. This story has a decent enough background, but the skills to execute it have to be built. I'm considering giving this a thumbs down, but as of present, with it being a prologue, I'll defer until you've proceeded a bit more and judge if you've improved. Good luck.
i'm going to enjoy this
Loving it, can't wait to see NOPE his way out of this
When will Flower Seven write more. I think enough ponys are interested
This is fantastic. I love this story all ready also twilights thought were gold form trollestia to drinking cofee to incest I laughed so hard
What are you, a reading teacher? stop being a troll this was great in every way
I'm not trolling. I'm being serious.
And as a writer, people listen to criticism to better themselves. The formatting is very off, considering everything, the background and foreground need to be re-evaluated and the writer needs to correct how she puts characters into situations or else it comes off as looking more awkward than acceptable. I stand by what I said.
It's a good, funny, concept. The execution of the concept, though, is not as well done as it should have been. Everyone has the opportunity to improve, but only if they take things in stride and build on them.
And the people leaving comments? You're supposed to give pros and cons to writers. You can't just go around giving people a pedestal to stand on. They need criticism and advice to grow. I'm not the kind of person who leaves "This story rocks" or "This story sucks" and goes on their merry way. You want to dislike something? Break it down to logical points and present it as an argument without shoving them down their throat. They listen, selectively, take it all in, and improve.
Oh wow, I did not expect such a positive reception at all! I'm very pleased and honored that even a small handful of you enjoyed something I wrote. I'm not quite sure where to take this next, (curse ye, writer's block!) so I can't guarantee there will be more in the immediate future, but my writing desires are never predictable, so who knows. Still, thank you all very much for your positive comments and faves!
Guys, don't fight. Byakushi is entitled to his opinion, and as my own worst critic, I agree with his assertion that I could have done a lot better executing this. Before submitting this, I fully expected a mixed to negative reaction. I'm very, very happy that you love what I wrote, and appreciate you coming to the piece's defense, but please don't attack other users' opinions in my name, okay?
That was awesome.
I just wish there was more. D:
Well this is interesting. I got say though Spike is going about this the wrong way now he needs to give Rarity a cup of the coffee. This was he can be with his adorkable and apparently very horny surrogate sister and also his hot and true love Rarity (who we can also hope is horny)! You got this Spike activate the swag (love potion).
I imagine Twi jumping like pepe le pew xD
This is going to be goood.
If this gets explicit I'm going to Bucking troll you to the end of time.
I start wondering if this story will ever be continued...
I knew this was going to happen eventually
AND I LOVE IT
And just like that, hours and chapters of amusing scenes and dialogue have been tossed under the bus. Son, I am disappoint.
... Sweet... Mother... of... Celestia... Twi's lost it! EVERYPONY TO THE BUNKER!
And as for Rarity...
This story is golden.
Is that 72.3% thing true?
spike! fast! put on this fake moustache!
*points to the everfre forest* he went that way
oh..thanks! *runs towards the everfree forest*
wait a sec..