Second Chapter - Illegal is Always Faster
Pinkie and friends had seen a lot of crowds lately. The Equestria Games at the Crystal Empire, for example—that had been very crowded. And the Royal Wedding, of course, with all of Canterlot and probably half of Equestria there too. Twilight’s Coronation or that Hearth’s Warming Eve play they had starred in were also very strong contenders for the first place in the “most ponies per square meter” list.
And yet, somehow, all those crowds paled in comparison to one at a simple bank on Friday.
Ninety minutes before they close for the whole weekend.
“Aaaaand here we see why I always come here on Monday mornings,” Rarity said once the building appeared on the horizon, the six ponies and dragon walking across Ponyville’s main street. “What a charming view, no?”
“Dear Celestia.” Spike’s pupils were the size of peas. “I didn’t know Ponyville had so many citizens!”
“Hah. This is nothing.” Dash raised an eyebrow at them as she flew right above the entire group. “The Cloudsdale bank is worse. As we all can fly, the bank is always filled to the ceiling.”
Fluttershy shuddered. “Literally.”
“Yeah, I once spent six hours pressed against a wall,” Dash said. “Second most horrible bank-related afternoon of my life.”
Rarity frowned. “Second?”
“I did a lot of crazy stuff in high school.”
“Well Ah don’t want to spend six hours suffering here, so we better hurry,” Applejack said. “Ah want to take a shower as fast as possible. Ah stink.”
“Please, dear.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “You’re exaggerating.”
“Ah’m not!” Applejack frowned. “Ah smell like a fresh-painted house! Ah don’t know how you can manage to breathe like this!”
In an incredible feat of coordination, the five mares and Spike rolled their eyes at the same time.
“Come on, it’s not that bad!” Pinkie said, her leg around AJ’s shoulders. “I think it’s fun!”
“I don’t know if ‘fun’ is the best word to describe it,” Twilight said, her eyes fixed on the bank—which was just a couple meters away from them at the moment—“but it’s efficient, which means you’ll have to cope with being green for a little longer, Applejack.”
Applejack grumbled something, just as she had been doing for the last two hours, since the very moment Twilight had explained to them that, yes, they all had to color their coats for the job.
“I mean, if we change our coat colors, cover our cutie marks, and change our manestyles, then nopony can recognize us,” she had said. “If there’s something I always found dumb, it would be the fact that, in every single heist book I’ve read, there’s just one pony who changes her coat color while the rest don’t even bother getting a proper disguise. If we’re doing this, we’re doing it the right way.”
So there they were: a green Applejack, a pink Twilight, a grey Fluttershy… The only one who still had the same colors was Spike, but he was wearing a fake moustache and a sombrero, because, “I don’t want to be the only one without a disguise, Twilight!”
And finally, they arrived at Money Bags Bank. They looked like a colorblind rainbow, and between them and their goal were only a couple walls and like seven hundred million ponies, give or take.
“Yeah,” Twilight said, “this is going to be easy.”
At exactly four hours zero minutes post meridiem, two mares walked into Money Bags Bank. Hardly something new, seeing how Money Bags Bank had a pony-per-meter density higher than that of a black hole, true, but those two ponies still managed to stand out. Maybe there was something in the way they walked. Maybe there was something in the way one of them managed to not only walk through the impossibly dense crowd, but also look stylish while doing it. Maybe it was the fact that one of them was an alicorn and thus probably strong enough to lift the building and everypony inside it and shake it like a matchbox because she felt like hearing the sound of bones creaking.
It could be anything, really. A mystery for the ages.
In a demonstration of politeness usually unheard of in public places like banks, train stations, or restaurants, the crowd actually let those two walk in, or at least they tried, because as far as ponies know, politeness alone is not enough to defy the laws of physics and that bank was really, really crowded.
Perhaps a little explanation on Money Bags Bank’s architecture and inner workings would be a useful thing at the moment.
The building was a big one, especially if one took into account that it was in Ponyville, but it only had one floor. And for some unknown reason that could only be linked to the fact that bank ponies hate common sense, Ponyville’s Money Bags Bank had only six employees and three counters. Out of the six employees, only three really attended the customers, as the other three were the Director, his secretary, and the Soda Guy. Nopony really knew what the Soda Guy really did, but he was always carrying a can of soda, so there was that.
The building had two main parts: the public section, where everypony could go talk with the bankers, and the private section, where the offices were located. Only the Director, the Secretary and the Soda Guy had offices, as the other three employees spent the entire day sitting at the tables, talking with the customers.
This day wasn’t an exception, even though the bank was obscenely crowded. Everypony in the crowd was waiting for their turn to sit at a table and talk with the employees, and even though it looked like help was really needed, the Director, the Secretary, and the Soda Guy where nowhere to be seen.
Until those two mares appeared, of course.
Moving with elegance and a little bit of difficulty because there were ponies everywhere, the non-alicorn of the pair, an azure unicorn with a curled mane, walked towards the nearest table and coughed loudly. “Ahem!” she said afterwards, effectively coughing twice. “Excuse me?”
The employee—a lavender mare—and the customer—not a lavender mare—frowned at the interruption… and then they saw who was talking to her. Or rather, she saw who was behind who was talking to her. “Princess Twilight!” the employee said, her eyes opening wide.
“Wha—no!” The alicorn shook her head and tried to take a step towards the employee. “I, um, I mean, that’s not my name.” She coughed. “My name is Princess Skylight!”
Silence.
The employee frowned. “Uuuuuh-huh. I’m pretty sure you’re Princess Twilight Sparkle, your Majesty.”
“Didn’t you hear her?” The blue unicorn arched an eyebrow. “She’s Princess Skylight. Totally unrelated.” She turned around. “Right, dear?”
The alicorn nodded a little too enthusiastically. She came close to breaking her neck. “I-Indeed.”
“Uh… Yeeeeah, no?” The employee scratched the back of her neck. “I mean, there are only four alicorns, and seeing how you’re not two and a half meters tall and your muzzle is not that of a supermodel, I’m fairly sure you oughta be Princess Twilight Sparkle, your Majesty.”
“Oh!” The blue unicorn frowned. “The nerve! That’s how ponies treat royalty in public places, nowadays?” She shook her head. “Princess, we don’t need to endure such a rude welcome!”
Silence. The alicorn was still nodding.
“Ahem,” the azure unicorn said. “Princess, I said that we don’t need to endure such a bold welcome!”
“Wha—? Ah!” The alicorn finally stopped her head motions and looked back at the unicorn. “Yeah! Of course!” She coughed. “Whatever you said!”
“Indeed, whatever I said!” The unicorn stomped the floor with a hoof. “You’re lucky we’re taking such a glaring offense like civilized ponies!”
“We’re civilized!” the alicorn cooed.
“That’s, in fact, the only reason why we are not making a scene!”
“Not making a scene!”
“Uh, I… I apologize,” the employee said. “It wasn’t my intention to…”
“Apologizing is not enough!” The azure unicorn arched her eyebrow. “We demand satisfaction!”
The employee blinked very slowly. By this point, nopony was doing anything but looking at them. Any kind of financial activity had stopped. “I’m… I’m a little lost here, to be honest.”
“I’m a little bit lost too,” the alicorn said. “We’re demanding satisfaction? Isn’t that a little bit… extreme?”
The unicorn glared at the alicorn.
“Uh.” The alicorn gulped. “I mean, of course we’re demanding satisfaction! That’s, like, the most demanded thing right now! For us! We demand it! Give it to us!”
“Satisf—wait, what now?” The employee gulped. “I mean—what?! I didn’t mean anything! I was just—!”
“Too late now!” The unicorn waved a hoof. “Now, we have two options here, I believe. The first one, which I think will satisfy everypony, is for you to call your Director and let us talk business with him ipso facto.” She smirked. “I’m sure it won’t be a problem, yes?”
The employee blinked. “The… The Director?”
“Why, yes. I think that’s what I said,” the unicorn replied. “Princess?”
“Uh. Yes, you indeed said that.”
“Stupendous.” The unicorn eyed the employee again. “Now go. Quick.”
“But…! I can’t send you to the Director like that!” The employee ran a hoof through her mane. “He’s the one in charge of supervising everything we do! If he’s busy, we need to double check everything!”
Silence.
“Say what, now?”
“We’re contractually forced to work twice as slow as we’re working right now if the Director is busy!”
Bam.
To describe with words what happened in that bank after that sentence was spoken would be hard, but maybe “absolute commotion” would serve. It was as if a bomb had suddenly fallen on the building: every single pony started screaming at the same time. This is not the place to write down the words they said, but it’s safe to assume they weren’t exactly kid-friendly.
Some ponies pushed others forward, then somepony stumbled, and next thing they knew, Money Bags Bank might as well have been a battlefield. A certain group actually went and surrounded the alicorn and the unicorn while saying some pretty hurtful things, but then…
“Say, dear?” The unicorn turned around to her alicorn friend, her voice piercing through the crowd like a sword pierces through a crowd. “You are still an alicorn, yes?”
The alicorn blinked. “Uuuh.”
“If you were to, say, set fire to everything in this bank, money and ponies included, how long would it take you?”
The alicorn frowned. “Why are you asking me that?”
“Just answer the question, darling.”
“Hmm.” The princess tapped her chin twice. “Around three fifty-two hundredths of a second, give or take.”
Absolute silence.
The unicorn arched an eyebrow. “You’re being surprisingly precise there.”
“Well, I have burned my personal quota of things.” The alicorn waved a hoof. “It was a phase. I thought the sparkles were pretty.”
“Uh-huh.” The unicorn turned to the employee once more. “Remember how I said we had two options? The second one involves pretty sparkles.” She batted her eyelashes and put on the brightest of smiles. “Your move?”
“Okay, that could have gone better,” Pinkie said. “But all’s end what ends well: they’re inside! The Director took them to his office.”
“What do you mean, ‘it could have gone better’?” Fluttershy asked. “What happened?”
“They recognized Twilight. Apparently, the wings and horn were too much, even for the pink paint.”
Rainbow snorted. “Well, that was predictable.”
“What about Rares?” Applejack asked, poking Pinkie on the shoulder. “Did they catch’ er too?”
“Nah, I don’t think so.” Pinkie put her eye on the periscope once again. “She saved the whole thing. She’s very good at being a bully!”
Silence.
“Actually, she’s disturbingly good at it,” Pinkie muttered. “I’m a little afraid, to be honest.”
“What?”
“Oh, yeah, and the paint worked!”
“Ah. Shucks.” Applejack kicked the ground. “Ah was hopin’ for it to be useless.”
They were all outside of the bank, hiding between the bushes surrounding the building—“Convenient!” Twilight had said after seeing them. “I wonder why this bank isn’t robbed more often”— peeking through the windows with Pinkie’s favorite portable periscope.
“Even if it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have time to get it out,” Dash said. “So deal with it, girl.”
AJ grumbled something offensive under her breath.
“So what do we do now?” Spike asked, caressing his fake moustache. “Do we go to Phase Two now or…?”
“Oh, yeah!” Dash clapped her hooves. “Do that! I want to get to Phase Three as fast as possible!”
“Just remember, sugarcube…” Applejack smirked at Dash. “No backsies.”
“In your dreams, AJ.”
“Um, Twilight said we should wait a little to avoid suspicion,” Fluttershy said. “I think it’s best if we follow the plan all the way.”
“I’m with Shy. And we can check on them while we wait!” Pinkie said, looking away from the periscope once again. “The Director’s office has a window, too!”
“Princess Twilight Sparkle! I’m so glad to see you’ve decided to join the Money Bags Bank family. How can I help you?”
The Director was a fat, green pony with very small glasses and an even smaller necktie. Small enough, Twilight noticed, to be completely ineffective—his eyes were clearly not looking through those miniglasses, and the fat of his neck covered up virtually the entirety of the tie. He looked like a very small child wearing their father’s clothes, only in reverse.
“My name is—”
“Forget it, Princess,” Rarity interrupted, taking a seat. The Director was already sitting at the other side of the table, and soon Twilight followed too. “There’s no sense in trying to do that now.” Rarity tapped the table twice and smiled at the Director. “My name is Azure Jewel, mister, and my client—” She pointed at Twilight. “—wanted to come here incognito, for purely private reasons. I take it as a given that neither you nor your employees are going to say anything about our visit, yes?”
“Uh.” The Director blinked. “Yes, of course! I mean, uh, no, we won’t say a thing!” He crossed his forelegs. “We’re very professional when it comes to customers’ privacy.”
“Good.” Rarity nodded. “Now, as Princess Twilight’s personal accountant and manager, I decided she should break some traditions and start using banks for once, as we could really benefit from the experience and achieve certain private goals that, obviously, can’t be shared.” She arched an eyebrow at the Director. “I of course assume that you already know that Princesses never use banks for purely political reasons, hence our extreme requirement for secrecy.”
“Indeed!” Twilight said, clapping her hooves. Her horn shimmered for a second, and with a flash, a giant scroll appeared in front of them. Twilight grabbed it by one corner, and the thing fell to the ground and then rolled all the way to the door. “Ahem. I want to experiment with your interest rates. I’ve developed a series of extremely complicated and overly distracting terms to explain the exact nature of the monetary movements I want to realize.”
Rarity nodded again. “We were thinking about a little economical juggling. I personally suggest taking a small credit, no more than a thousand bits, and then immediately buy as many shares as possible, without dealing with intermediaries.”
“I was actually thinking about fifteen percent, Azure.” Twilight looked at Rarity. “The thing is, as this is a small bank, the selection of shares we can buy is pretty small, so we need to be careful. Now, Director, what I want to do…”
“Oooooh. They’re good.” Pinkie smirked. “That’s Brains and Rarity for you!”
“Why? What’s happening?” Spike asked, biting his lip. “What are they doing?”
“I think they’re improvising some mumbo-jumbo. I don’t understand a thing!” Pinkie giggled. “And the Director is sweating a lot!”
“Chances are he’s not getting anything either,” Dash said, flapping her wings a little. “Guy’s an idiot.”
“So they’re distracting him?” Fluttershy asked, poking Pinkie on the back with a hoof. “Is the plan working?”
“Yes indeedily!” Pinkie took her face away from the periscope once again and put her foreleg over Fluttershy’s shoulders. “We can continue with Phase Two!”
“Y’think y’all can handle it, sugarcube?” asked Applejack. “You can’t really use mumbo-jumbo like Rares and Twi.”
“Applejack, please.” Pinkie Pie made a swift movement with her hoof, and suddenly there were a pair of sunglasses on it. She put them on, her other foreleg still over Fluttershy’s shoulder, and her smirk got even bigger. “They don’t call me ‘Boss’ for nothing.”
When the alicorn and the unicorn disappeared into the Director’s office, the employees continued with their work. And true to their word, they double-checked everything. The crowd was not exactly pleased. Sure, alicorn threats are surprisingly useful to calm people down, but they were alone again and forgetting vital lessons is incredibly easy for ponies.
Bottom line: the clock was ticking, the temperature was rising, the employees were being slow, the weekend was approaching, and the crowd wasn’t getting smaller. Everypony was getting a little nervous.
And by “little nervous” one of course means “absolutely furious”. There’s an ancient prophecy that says the world is going to end someday, and the culprit will be, somehow, a financial institution. Everypony thinks it’s going to be spot-on.
So there they were: Seven hundred thousand million ponies feeling the urge to break things. There was a lot of noise, as everypony was talking at the same time, and one could smell Armageddon in the air. Killer glares everywhere, curses under one’s breath, tense backs, gritted teeth, little pushes and small kicks, sweaty manes, and a general feeling of overwhelming rage. Pretty slow day, compared to the day before Hearths Warming Eve.
And of course, two unusual mares (different from the two unusual mares from before) chose that exact moment to enter the bank: a white earth pony and a grey pegasus.
“HEEEELL-O EVERYPONY!”
“Uuuuuh.” Spike was the one with his eye on the periscope now. “Uuuuuuuh.”
“What’s happening? What’s wrong?” Applejack poked Spike on the side with a hoof. “Spike?”
He stumbled away from the device and frowned. “Either this doesn’t work, or Pinkie is not really following the plan.”
Rainbow Dash squinted. “Is that mariachi music coming out of the bank?”
“Okay. Yeah, Pinkie’s not following the plan.” Spike sighed. “She, uh, she’s throwing a party in there.”
Silence.
Rainbow Dash looked at Applejack. “You know, I have the feeling we should be a little more surprised about this.”
Applejack squinted. “Ah’m too busy tryin’ to understand where she got the mariachi band from.”
“Apparently, some ponies inside just happened to have trumpets with them,” Spike explained, still peeking through that periscope. “Pinkie is doing a really good job, though! Everypony seems to be rather happy. Even the mariachi.”
“So… Do we go to Phase Three now?” Dash frowned. “Because I think I’m pretty lost here.”
“Especially the mariachi. They’re having the time of their lives.”
“Hold on, Rainbow.” Applejack raised a hoof. “Spike? What’s Fluttershy doin’?”
“She’s the bartender.”
Silence.
Rainbow arched an eyebrow. “There’s a bar there?”
“There is one, now. Pinkie put it right next to the karaoke machine.”
“Well that’s just marvelous.” AJ shook her head. “Rainbow, Ah honestly don’t know what to do here. Do we try to follow the plan, or…?”
“Never mind, the karaoke machine is now on fire. They lost control of the fireworks.”
“Why are you asking me, AJ? Twilight and Pinkie are the ones who have a say in the whole planning business.” Dash shrugged. “I’m just here for the giggles.”
“Ah know, but somethin’ tells me we have to improvise now.” She frowned. “Ah mean…”
“Wait!” Spike yelled, turning to the two mares. “The Secretary came out of her office! I think the plan is working!”
“What is going on in here?! Who is responsible for this?!”
The Secretary was a brown mare with a blonde mane and a lot of teeth. She had enough teeth to embarrass any shark. She looked like she could bite off a piece of the walls any second. Those teeth were pearl-white, glimmering and beautiful. And probably sharper than any needle.
She had walked out of her office because she had heard something fishy going on in the public part of the bank. Now that she was there and could see everything with her own eyes, “fishy” wasn’t cutting it anymore. It was whaley, at least.
“Miss Secretary!” The same employee that had talked to the four mares saw the brown mare and waved a hoof at her. “We’re having a party!”
“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!”
“I have no idea, but the soda that mare brought is amazing.” The employee raised the red plastic cup she’d been drinking from. “Want to try it?”
“NO, I DON’T WANT TO TRY IT!” The Secretary shook her head, trotted towards the employee, and smacked the cup to the floor. “STOP THIS MADNESS IMMEDIATELY! WHO DID THIS?!”
The employee flinched a little and took a step back. “Uuuh.” She pointed at the dancefloor. “The white one next to the disco ball.”
For a second there, the employee could have sworn there was smoke coming out of the Secretary’s nostrils.
The white pony right next to the disco ball was, of course, dancing. In fact, almost everypony was dancing. Kind of a feat, seeing how crowded the place was. That mariachi band had somehow ended up with a set of drums, and now they were playing something that sounded like a typical mariachi song with polka and rock elements. Very alternative, but the Secretary wasn’t having any of it.
Thing is: everypony was smiling. There were laughs, there were giggles, there were nice conversations, random things were on fire, at least one pony was completely covered in chocolate, and overall, there was a nice feeling in the room. That wasn’t a normal party: it was a good party. There was no sign of the tension that had been hanging in the bank mere minutes ago.
“Happy ponies?!” the Secretary muttered while walking towards the culprit. “In my bank?! Not on my watch!”
“You know, I like how you use your story to subtly criticise the bank.” Money Banks arched an eyebrow. “Nearly undetectable. Did the Secretary eat puppies for dinner, too? That would be a nice touch.”
Twilight frowned. “I’m telling it how it went.”
“Oh, yeah. I’m not doubting that.” Money Bags sighed. “After all, anypony can just summon mariachi at will.” He turned a little. “Right, guys?”
“YEAH!”
Silence.
“I swear to Celestia, guys, one day I’m going to send you all to some dialectic lessons, because this is just ridiculous.”
“YEAH!”
“You are not helping.”
“Do you want to continue with my story, or are you too busy realizing your past mistakes?” Twilight asked, glaring at Money Bags.
“Sass me not, Princess.” Money Bags snorted. “I’m not the one tied to a chair.”
“Hmph.”
“Anyway, I don’t believe what you’re saying.” Money Bags sighed. “But, to be honest? I’m pretty sure the truth is not too far from your story. You’re not the lying kind.” He waved a hoof. “Continue.”
When the white pony disappeared—dragging the grey pegasus behind her—the rest of the party followed easily. The whole transformation, from bank to party to crazy party to out of control party to bank again had lasted a maximum of eleven minutes.
Even the disco ball disappeared, although there still were drinks everywhere. The Secretary had appeared like a hurricane, showing that smile of hers that had the one and only purpose of showing teeth. Kind of what wild dogs do when they want to intimidate.
“No, seriously, I’m so pumped up for the puppy-eating scene right now.”
Twilight grumbled.
…The Secretary had arrived, talked with the white pony, and then dragged her to her office. Apparently, that party animal was there for business too. The Secretary had personally made sure she would leave as soon as possible.
Which meant that, at the moment, two out of three important ponies at the bank were busy talking with somepony else. The Director’s office was closed, and if one stood near the door, a surprisingly boring muttering could be heard. If one approached the Secretary’s office, however, there was no muttering. There was something that sounded like muffled mariachi music, though. That, and grinding teeth.
“Okay. So that happened.” Spike put the periscope down and turned to face the last two mares in that convenient bush. “I don’t know why I’m surprised anymore.”
“Yeah, she’s Pinkie Pie.” Dash shrugged. “You just need to go with the flow.”
Applejack sighed. “So we’re good?”
“I think so.” Spike tapped his chin a couple times. “Twilight said that we should wait for a couple minutes between phases, but…”
“Ah’m pretty sure Pinkie broke that plan when she threw trumpets at the bank,” Applejack said. “Ah say we should do this as fast as possible.” She turned at Dash. “You game, sugarcube?”
Rainbow smirked. “Any time, cowgirl.”
CRASH!
“AH’M GONNA KICK YOU SO HARD, YOUR GRANDPARENTS WILL GET DIZZY!”
“OH, YEAH? WELL, THEN I’M GOING TO KICK YOU SO HARD, YOU’RE GOING TO…! TO…!”
Silence.
“I’LL KICK YOU REALLY HARD!”
It’s a safe bet to assume that, by the time those two mares crashed through the door and fell in that impossibly crowded bank, somehow managing to avoid landing on an innocent bystander, the customers and employees were pretty much used to weird stuff happening around them. After a threatening Princess and a random partygoer, two mares punching each other wasn’t that much of a thing.
In fact, for a second or two, the crowd didn’t even bother looking at them. Celestia above, they were just two random mares punching each other in the face.
Then everypony turned around at the same time and stared with wide eyes, because they were two random mares punching each other in the face.
Applejack was painted green, Rainbow Dash was cream-colored, and they were looking at each other with their best War Faces. Those were different from their usual faces because they were very war-like. All smirking and frowning and so.
Rainbow Dash, feeling like she was losing the one-liners duel, chose to just go and tackle Applejack, because fighting was all about the physical stuff, after all.
BOOM!
The crowd gasped. However, Applejack recovered pretty fast, and then launched herself against Rainbow Dash. She managed to land on top of her. And then she started punching.
“YEEE-HAH!” The cowgirl let a ferocious smile creep to her face as she rocked Dash’s world like a particularly punch-heavy hurricane. “HOW D’YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, SUGARCUBE?!”
“Ouch!” Dash shook her head and pushed AJ away with help from her wings. “Hah! I indeed like them apples!” She pointed at AJ. “I like them, uh…” Her ears went flat against her head. “I-I like them red! Yeah! That will teach you!”
Silence.
“…Say what?”
“I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR BUTT INCREDIBLY HARD!”
And then she tried to tackle Applejack again.
Now, Dash was good at fighting. She was in good shape, she was fast… all that jazz. But Applejack had learned a very important thing in her job: if something is close to you, you kick it. It worked with trees, it worked with pegasi, and that was pretty much it, because there was nothing else Applejack had ever needed to kick.
So it’s not like Dash had even a ghost of a chance.
Now, of course, none of them got really injured. Dash lost a little control now and then, but Applejack was tough enough to bear it. As for her blows, she was strong enough to actually control the strength of the punch or kick. Rainbow Dash was in good hooves.
“Are you trying to impress me with your friends?” Money Bags laughed softly. “Princess, no matter what you say, unless your friends are the size of a small dragon, they are not a threat to my guys.”
Twilight frowned and looked at the watermelonian guys. Yep. Still as watermelonian as ever.
“…Anyway,” she said, “Applejack and Rainbow Dash faked a fight, and then…”
Even though the other two unusual and yet unrelated occurrences Money Bags Bank had been through that afternoon had been, objectively speaking, more interesting—or at least more trauma-inducing—the employees soon noticed that, well, a fight wasn’t a good thing. The employee that had talked to the Secretary, the white party pony, and the princess was the one who first got up and walked towards the two brawlers, determined to stop them.
Then she saw how the green one punched, and thought that, hey, they didn’t pay her for that kind of thing. Better to call a superior.
However, the Secretary was apparently too busy dealing with the mariachi music in her office, and the Director was either scared or very scared of the alicorn, because neither of them answered when she knocked at their doors. Shrugging, then, she knocked at the Soda Guy’s office door.
The Soda Guy opened immediately.
He was a blue unicorn with the slickest mullet ever. That thing was a work of art in itself: it shone like a star and was as hard as a rock. The employee couldn’t look directly at it, as the purest of shimmerings blinded her greatly when she dared to raise her eyes at such magnificence.
The Soda Guy didn’t say a thing—he was too busy drinking from a can of soda. He just looked at the employee and arched an eyebrow.
“Um, sorry for annoying you, sir,” she said after clearing her throat, “but there’s an altercation going on at the door, and…” She pointed at the other two offices in there, both with the door closed. “There’s just nopony else available.”
The Soda Guy didn’t say a thing. He took a gulp out of his can of soda, then looked at the two closed doors, then at the employee. Then he took another gulp.
“…Please?” the employee asked. “They’re two mares, and they might hurt themselves if they continue!”
“AH’M GOIN’ TO WHOOP YOUR FEATHERS OFF, YA BIRD-BRAIN!”
“OH, YEAH?! WELL, I’M GOING TO WHOOP YOUR FEATHERS OFF!”
Silence.
“Sugarcube, Ah’m an earth pony. Ah don’t have no feathers.”
“THAT’S BECAUSE I ALREADY WHOOP’D THEM OFF!”
The crowd gasped.
“There they are!” The employee dragged the Soda Guy over by one of his legs and pointed at the two wild mares that were trying to beat the living heart out of each other. “Please, do something!”
The Soda Guy eyed the two mares. A green earth pony and a cream-colored pegasus that had managed to avoid destroying the bank, but that were greatly hurting each other. Plus, nopony was working at all, and that was kind of a nuisance. The Soda Guy was a mysterious figure, but judging by the look in his eyes, he was pretty sure his time to shine had come. With a swift movement he readjusted his mullet and cracked his neck, walking towards the two mares. He raised his faithful can of soda, ready to take the last gulp before stopping the quarrel with his superpowers, or whatever his plan was…
Only to discover his soda can was empty.
He frowned and shook the can. Eeyup, it was completely empty. He rolled his eyes and crunched it with his magic before throwing it at a nearby trash can. He licked his lips, frowning a little…
“Um.” The employee poked him in the side and pointed to the right. “Sir? You can have one of these. The party pony brought them, and they’re good, I promise.”
The Soda Guy followed that hoof, and lo and behold, there were some red plastic cups on a table. He stared at them for a couple seconds before shrugging and taking one. He turned around to face the two brawling mares once again as he took a sip of the yellow liquid in that cup.
And then everything went silent.
The Soda Guy’s pupils grew small, like two peas in the ocean, and then they became almost as big as the entire eyeball. He started trembling. Everything around him turned white.
He was surrounded by nothing. Even his body disappeared, Existence as a whole became nothing but that sweet, sweet taste in his mouth. As the bubbles burst uponof his tongue, he took another sip, and the sensation prevailed.
Suddenly, nothing but that soda was important. The Soda Guy forgot his fears and worries, his mind completely clear for the first time in his life. He defeated his inner demons right there, in that very moment. With just a sip of soda, he realized he’d been living his life wrong, but he still had time to sort things out. He’d find his purpose.
He had to find the mare who had created that heavenly drink, and then he had to become her pupil. He would know her when he saw her, just like he had known she was a mare.
And to do that, he had to leave his whole life behind, and not look back. There was no trace of doubt in his mind.
Looking at the two brawling mares without seeing them, the Soda Guy drank the rest of the cup and walked away from Money Bags Bank, towards the sunset…
“You’re telling me the Soda Guy reached enlightenment because he drank some particularly good soda.” Money Bags massaged his temples. “I‘m going to be honest: I don’t know if you’re messing with me or if you’re just pretty dumb.”
Twilight glared at him. “I’m telling it how it went.”
“Yes, and you just told me that Soda Guy discovered the meaning of life because of a drink.” Money Bags ran both hooves through his mane. “What was in that cup anyway?”
“Soda,” Twilight replied. “Very good soda, I guess. I never tried it.”
“One of my employees reached Nirvana because your friend happens to go to the best soda store in Equestria.” Money Bags nodded. “Yep! Sounds legit to me!”
“Are you implying I’m lying?!”
“Me? Imply?” Money Bags snorted. “Celestia, no. I’m outright saying it.”
“What?! No!” Twilight shook her head. “I’m telling the truth!”
“Princess, that makes less sense than my guards’ retirement plan.”
“YEAH!”
“Guys, shush.”
“You know,” Twilight said, looking at the guards, “I’m pretty sure their cousin or something lives in Ponyville. He even went to the Equestria Games. Really nice guy, actually. He looked like a beast until Fluttershy tamed him.”
“Eh, they’re not related to each other.”
Twilight blinked. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Money Bags turned around to look at the guards too. “Weird, I know. There are ponies like that all around Equestria with absolutely no relationship between each other at all.”
Silence.
“That’s… surprisingly disturbing.”
Money Bags shrugged. “They’re cheap. That works for me.” He turned back to Twilight. “Anyway, I was calling you out on your filthy lies, you filthy liar.”
“I’m not filthy!”
“Sure.” Money Bags sighed. “Lucky for you, I’m willing to let you keep with the story, because I’m pretty sure what you’re telling me is more or less true, even if the details are fishy.” He squinted. “Ponyville’s Money Bags Bank did go through an impromptu party and suffered the disappearance of one of its employees for unknown reasons.”
Twilight’s ears went flat against her head. “You… you knew?”
“Of course I knew. It’s one of my banks.” He waved a hoof. “Now continue. But try to keep the really ridiculous stuff out of the story, please.”
Nopony really knew how to react when the Soda Guy walked away, his pupils the size of twin bowling balls. Even Applejack and Rainbow Dash paused their faked fight to see him ignore them completely. The employee just stood there with her mouth open wide, and the crowd just shrugged and kept looking at the brawling mares.
Eventually, AJ and Dash realized they had to keep it going, so they resumed their conflict.
“YER GONNA GET IT!”
“YOU’RE GONNA GET IT TWICE!”
“You seriously need to practice this kind of thing more often, Dash.”
“SHUT UP!”
The three employees looked at each other, a pout on their faces. The Soda Guy was gone, the Secretary was gone, and the Director was gone. That meant they were the only ones who could stop the fight.
The building trembled a little after one of the earth pony’s punches.
The three employees gulped. At the same time.
And while all this was happening inside of the building, Spike was peeking through the same window, using that pink periscope Pinkie had produced out of absolutely nowhere.
Once the three employees walked towards Dash and Applejack, he got up and threw the periscope away.
The Soda Guy’s disappearance was weird, but then again, Phase Three was all about distracting him, so it didn’t really matter, he thought as he approached the bank’s door.
From that moment on, everything became extremely easy.
Everypony was too busy looking at how the employees tried—and failed—to get Dash and AJ away from each other, so nopony noticed the sombrero-wearing, moustache-wielding handsome little dragon that got in as fast as his little legs could run. The worst part was trying not to step on anypony, but he managed that.
Once inside the private part of the bank, there was no problem either. The Director and the Secretary were still too busy dealing with his friends, and the Soda Guy’s office door was open.
“Hah!” Spike said, as he approached the Soda Guy’s desk. “Easy-peasy-one-two-threesy!”
And indeed, it was easy enough to count to three in mockery at it. Soon, Spike found the red inkwell he’d been looking for, and he replaced it with the green inkwell he’d brought in his giant sombrero. However, he knocked down a documents stack while doing so, but the sombrero was so big it actually obscured his view, and he didn’t notice.
Likewise, he didn’t notice the document that got stuck to his foot when he stepped on it, and wouldn’t notice it till much later.
He got out of the bank as easily as he had gotten in.
“…And of course, after investing in there, we can get all our money back with an extra three percent. That will give us enough to start with the real thing, that will involve using the annual revenue to partially cheat the system and—”
Poof!
Twilight’s ramble was interrupted by a sudden burst of green flames in front of her face. It lasted less than a second, and when it went away, there was a scroll in front of her. She grabbed it with her magic and gave it a read.
“Hmm,” she said, looking at the Director, “it seems like we need to go; royal business await—”
CRASH!
The office itself seemed to tremble a little when the door opened, revealing a panting, grinning Pinkie Pie, with Fluttershy flying right behind her. “Girls! We’re done!” the party pony said.
“What—?”
“No time to explain! Smoke Bomb!”
“What—?!”
And then Pinkie Pie threw a smoke bomb into the office.
Yeah.
To be honest, Twilight should have seen it coming.
Said “smoke bomb” was apparently a small grey ball—Twilight couldn’t take a good look at it—that exploded the moment it touched the ground. Half a second later, the room was completely filled with a dense white smoke that smelled like pancakes. The Director screamed. Twilight screamed. Rarity muttered something among the lines of “oh, dear”.
And then Twilight felt somepony grabbing her and next thing she knew they had jumped out of the window.
She managed to land on all fours—a feat not imitated by Rarity, sadly—and turned around, her face a curious mixture between a frown, a confused frown, a pout, and a slightly angered frown. She was frowning a lot. “Pinkie, what in the name of—!”
“No time to explain, Twilight!” Pinkie interrupted, showing a smile twice as big as Twilight’s entire face. “RUN!”
And before she could say anything else, Pinkie ran away as fast as her legs could move her. Fluttershy shortly followed. Rarity turned to look at Twilight, then shrugged, and ran away too.
Twilight stood there for a second or two, trying to wrap her mind around what had just happened. She turned around and took a peek at Money Bags Bank one last time…
And saw that every single window of the bank was oozing with smoke.
Literally.
Every single one of them.
The Director’s office had been quite the small room, and Pinkie had filled it with just one smoke bomb. Twilight wasn’t completely sure if it’d been enough for the smoke to flood out of the window, but even assuming that had been the case, to completely fill the bigger rooms of the Bank, Pinkie would have needed at least ten… No, twenty smoke bombs.
Twenty smoke bombs.
Twilight nodded to herself. Yep. That sounded about right. Twenty smoke bombs.
Pinkie Pie had thrown twenty smoke b—
Twilight immediately turned around and ran as fast as she could, screaming at the top of her lungs the whole time.
“That. Was. SO. FUN!” Pinkie said, jumping up and down like a filly at her worst enemy’s cuteceañera. “We have to do this again some time!”
“No.”
“No.”
“No.”
“No.”
“No.”
“Yeah!” Dash nodded, a huge grin on her face. “That was awesome!”
Everypony (and Spike) glared at Rainbow Dash.
They were back at Twilight’s, washing off their coats. It was an interesting view, Twilight thought, as she saw Fluttershy leaving the grey behind and returning to her usual yellow with the magic of soap and water. It reminded her of that horrible day at the royal maze.
“Ah won’t say it wasn’t interestin’,” Applejack said, “but Ah don’t think repeatin’ it would be wise.”
“Why not?! We totally rocked the bank!” Dash replied, still grinning. “It was amazing!”
“Sure it was, sugarcube.”
Twilight arched an eyebrow. Dash and AJ had managed to run away once Spike had sent them the note and apparently the crowd had been so baffled by their sudden change of attitude that they hadn’t stopped them. “Rainbow, I’m pretty sure we caused a lot of trouble.”
“Oh, no!” Fluttershy frowned. “You said we wouldn’t do anything wrong, Twilight!”
“I know, but we didn’t follow the plan completely, did we?” Twilight eyed Pinkie. “Somepony chose to throw a party, and the rest is history.”
“But they really looked like they needed it!” Pinkie said. “We made them smile a lot! Right, Fluttershy?”
“Hm. The Secretary wasn’t smiling that much,” Fluttershy said.
“What are you talking about? She was smiling the whole time!”
“No, she was showing her teeth.” Fluttershy shook her head. “It’s a little different. Bears do the same thing when they try to kill something.”
Pinkie frowned. “Eh. Close enough.”
“Still, we’re not doin’ this ever again. It was irresponsible, we caused a lot of trouble, and no matter what we said, Ah think it ended up bein’ pretty illegal.” Applejack scratched the back of her neck, frowning. “Darn it, Ah can still smell that stupid paint all on me! Ah’m never wearin’ that—”
“Hey, Spike!” Dash flew towards the young dragon and pointed at his right foot. “You have something stuck there.”
“Ah?” Spike looked down. “Oh. What’s this?”
As he grabbed it and brought it to his face, the rest of the gang looked at the scroll too. It was completely filled with the most professional-looking hoofwriting any of them had ever seen, plus countless charts and tables filled with numbers.
“Is it from the bank?” Rarity asked.
“I think so,” Spike said. “Do you understand it?”
“No.”
“Nope.”
“Noppidy-nope-nop!”
“Nuh-huh.”
“No.”
“Let me check.” Twilight’s horn glimmered for a second, and the scroll came floating to her. “Hmm. We need to return this, I think it’s important.” She gave it a quick read. “Rates, investment, credit default swaps… Wait.” She frowned. “Credit default swaps?”
The room fell in silence as Twilight’s tone got colder. Her eyes were completely focused on the scroll, now.
Credit default swaps, indeed. But that wasn’t the whole thing. “He’s cheating the system,” Twilight said. “Money Bags is cheating the system.”
Rarity cocked her head to her left side. “What?”
“I’m pretty sure you’ve managed to step on the most important paper in the whole bank, Spike,” Twilight said. “If what this says is true, Money Bags has been abusing the anonymity of the future stock market to plan financial attacks on entities and then getting money out of it. Credit default swaps.”
Silence.
Rarity cocked her head to her right side. “What?”
Twilight raised her eyes from the scroll. “Money Bags, the owner of the bank, is abusing a loophole that I didn’t know existed to get benefits out of anonymous financial attacks. He’s buying credit default swaps and then getting money out of defaults on credits. Defaults that he himself is causing, but as the free market is anonymous, it’s not—”
Rarity cocked her head to her left side. “What?”
“He’s doing evil economics!”
The five mares and Spike gasped.
“Evil economics?!” Pinkie covered her mouth with a hoof. “That’s the worst kind of economics out there!”
“Yes.” Twilight looked back at the scroll. “He’s literally making bets on innocent ponies, and then manipulating those bets to get money.”
Silence.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “He does something bad, ponies get poor, he gets richer.”
Everypony else blinked. “Oooooooh.” Rarity nodded. “Now I get it.”
“And the worst thing is, I think this is technically illegal, but…” Twilight’s frown became deeper. “This is serious, girls. We can’t allow this to happen.”
“What?” Fluttershy frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Judging by this, Money Bags is attacking Manehattan. The whole city. Financially.” Twilight sighed. “I’m pretty sure this counts as an actual threat against Equestria.”
Silence.
“Then… Then what are we gonna to do?”
“Hm.” Twilight bit her lip. “Well, we can send a letter to the Princesses, that’s for sure. But we got this paper with an, um, unorthodox method, so I’m not sure if it counts as a proof, legally speaking.” She looked at her friends. “Plus, the scroll is all nameless data—it mentions Manehattan and some financial movements, but as I said, the future stock market is anonymous. It has no names.”
Silence.
Dash squinted. “You do realize the moment you start talking like that we don’t get a thing, right?”
“I got that last part,” Rarity said. “That document has no names. We can’t link it to Money Bags.”
“We know it means he’s doing this, uh, evil economic thing,” Twilight said, “but we know it’s Money Bags because we got it from one of his banks.” She frowned. “Apparently, the Soda Guy was pretty important. Playing with this kind of information…”
“Are we sure it’s from Money Bags, then?” Fluttershy asked. “I mean, if we got it from the Soda Guy’s office…”
“The Soda Guy works for Money Bags, and this is clearly official,” Twilight said. “No private business here. It comes from the higher-ups.”
“So… Money Bags is a bad guy?” Spike scratched his chin. “Are we sure of that? He looks like a nice pony.”
Dash arched an eyebrow. “You’ve met him?”
“I lived in Canterlot for years!” Spike replied. “I’ve seen his casino countless times, and it has a photo of him on the door.”
“Well, I’m afraid he is not as nice as he looks, Spike,” Twilight said. “At all.”
“But then… What do we do? What does this mean?”
Silence. Twilight looked at her friends, still frowning.
“It means, girls,” she said, “that we’re robbing a casino.”
More silence.
“That means painting our coats again.”
Applejack squinted. “Consarn it.”
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Not another chapter already? But I've just recovered from yesterday's hilarity. Please...I want to live.
5557664
Fnah, worry not. I won't be near my computer in a while, so I had to upload this one now.
From now on I'll update every three days or so, I dunno. But I didn't like leaving you guys with nothing but a tease. This is a heist fic--let's see some real action!
Okay, this is just my opinion, and my opinion means jack shit... but i think that this story isn't funny. like, at all. The jokes are either too slow-paced or too fast-paced. The entire premise, while creative, just isn't executed very well - the story keeps jumping around, and i can barely tell what's going on at times despite the copious amounts of description. That's another thing - you keep throwing in metric tonnes of description of things which you think are funny, but which I just don't get. The characters are ooc, and while I know that's the joke, it's still unnerving to see Twilight casually mention her pyromaniacy.
You're a talented writer - much better than I am - but I just can't get into this story.
5557744 Actually, after the Smarty Pants incident and that time she burst into flames trying to figure out pinkie sense I'm not surprised at all that she's a pyromaniac.
This story is several kinds of ridiculous, and has more running gags than an all-clown marathon...
ih0.redbubble.net/image.26209049.8969/fc,550x550,white.jpg
I also have to say that I really enjoy how you are writing Pinkie Pie
Should have gone with a fedora.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/dc/Perry_the_Platypus.png
5557215
I...guess? I was leaning more to the "Dark" tag side of things.
My problem is the contradiction of Twilights Alicorn strength. If she could incinerate the bank in a matter of seconds, couldn't she escape Money Bags just as fast? Course, then we'd have no story but, I am still a little weirded out by that
EVIL ECONOMICS?! HERESY!!!
That's a lot of ponies!
Twilight needs to give herself and the gang royal pardons. That solves everything.
"Well, actually..."
5558816
Trust the story and keep reading, brah. Also, Twi is exaggerating in that part. But yeah, read and find out.
... You planned this.
Obviously being captured is part of the plan.
Well... I'd just show her the scene from GTA Vice City where you rob a bank. Nothing like the movies.
5560066
...You hate her because she wants Fluttershy to join in the fun too? Huh.
5560744
Yes, actually! It's pretty good.
My comment, however, was me pointing out how, in comparison to most other comedies, Aragon's normally make me laugh the most. This is probably redundant, but I felt like pointing it out.
(In regards to the PMV, that is pretty funny as well.)
Man, we were all worried about Fluttershy in high school, but apparently Rarity is the one to be worried about.
So if Money Bags is using Credit Default swaps as part of a fraudulent scheme, he's probably targeting large institutional investors as the counterparty, short selling stocks anonymously to drive down the price after convincing those majority shareholders to pre-arrange large loans at very favorable rates of return to his bank in the event that the companies become temporarily insolvent, then collecting huge interest payments when those loans are repaid and the stock price bounce backs...
Or evil economics.
Oooh. This is creepy feelin'. The cover art reminds me of Dr. Pinkie and Miss Pie.
I'm definitely reading this later.
I could not help myself, I had to.
~KBO.
We're robbing a bank!?
Guys, the Thermal Drill, go get it.
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ＤＡＭＮ ＴＨＩＳ ＣＯＭＭＥＮＴ ＩＳ ＦＡＮＣY
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5561276
Damn that one fancy comment
Oh good, so I wasn't the only one.
5561517 fimfiction-static.net/images/avatars/43103_256.jpg?1374290489
5561430 mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw8744_medium.jpg
5560763 It's because of these two lines:
Having Spike casually dismissed/forgotten while the "mane six" are portrayed as an inseparable unit is the only MLP-related thing that kills my optimism, and your Pinkie Pie apparently possesses this preference for pure pony participation.
But the really irksome bit was,
because most people don't need an excuse for Spike to be left out, and he never even occurs to others. He's just "not part of the mane six", and that's the fucking end of it. That's why I'm loving this caper you're writing. If it weren't for how easily and naturally you fit all seven into the plot, I wouldn't care about Pinkie's consistent and hilarious propensity for twisting the normal world into something ridiculous or her friends' willingness to get sucked into her nutty scheme while the framing device tells us they're all headed for trouble. If this fic were only about the "mane six", I wouldn't be enjoying any of it.
5562670
Huh. Well, not to be a dick, but the M6 are the protagonists of the show. Spike doesn't look that important to me, so I don't really care for him. If he doesn't add to the story, I don't see why he should always be included. The M6 are an item, Spike is just an extra, so to speak.
Of course, that's just meta (and my opinion, so who cares?). In the story, Pinkie just wants some fun with all her friends, Spike included. However, look at the tags - while Spike is an important part of the story, the main focus won't be on him. So yeah.
5563389 I can understand your reasoning, yet I still absolutely fucking hate seeing the main cast interpreted that way. And I always will. Though he not be a central character, the most supportive and ever-present person in Twilight's life is not an "extra", and the mane six are individuals, not an item that needs to do everything together. I don't mind stories that are structured to require all six ponies, but I despise the ones by authors who don't have enough fucking imagination to make valuable use of Spike so that he's balanced with the rest. That's mine. [Apologies for the bitter words, but that shit really does kill my enjoyment.]
Anyhoo, loving the story. Please proceed.
5563505 i don't want to dislike for standing up for a character you like but really isn't it his choice. i mean pinkie apologized to him. i'm genreally one of those people who don't really care for this whole make spike more important but i think this may just be complaining over nothing.
sorry to be rude
5564447 I'm someone who has no problem with this story, but wants to say my piece and move on.
Author, again, please continue...at your discretion of course, but preferably before anyone else tries to stretch this out.
TWILIGHT IS A CLOSET ARSONIST!
RARITY IS A DOMINATRIX!
PINKIE PIE IS A ROBBER! ALSO PINKIE PIE IS PINK! WITH PINKIE PIE-ness INVOLVED!
BANKS ARE PUSHOVERS!
...
I'm kind of sad at this point at how blatant they are at this...
I'm also even more sad that none of the guards have even caught on.
Celestia has evolved into Trollestia!
Trollestia uses giggles!
RAISES HP TO OVE 9000!
RAISES ATTACK TO OVER ETERNITY!
Side effect: ROFL...
Trollestia is stunned by the sheer stupidity and awesomeness of this story.
THIS IS AWESOME UPDATES!
My previous comment did not even reach me reading the mariachi band/ bar/ mexico..
SPIKE HAS A SOMBRERO OF POWER!
5564631 YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT!
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“One of my employees reached Nirvana because your friend happens to go to the best soda store in Equestria.” Money Bags nodded. “Yep! Sounds legit to me!
I like soda.
Also, isn't there like at least a couple years wait before getting the gang back together?
Wow, you have managed to personally create my Head Canon for Twilight Sparkles' name, and you did it by insinuating death by fire.
Good job, sir, for planting that seed of destruction in my head.
Obligatory.
OMG! SO KEWL!!!!! GAHHH!!!!!!
Plz make yer title pic and title kewler! MOAR pplz need ta know the awesomeness that's your fic!!!! GWAAAH!!!
5620406 I think the title picture is AWESOME! The title too!
I actually looked this economical stuff up after reading this, and it's totally true and considered extremely unethical! This is a real way for rich investors to artificially manipulate stock prices so they can profit and cash out in only a short time while all other investors suffer. This kind of scheme can even cause market crashes and force smaller businesses into bankruptcy if used largely enough.
Well, she does have a dragon as a little brother type figure.