The Element of Magic is lost, the portal to Equestria is closed, and Sunset Shimmer is staring down 30 more moons in the human world with despair. But from the ruins of her plans comes hope in the form of Star Swirl the Bearded, a ghostly guide left behind by the Elements of Harmony. Can Sunset Shimmer learn from her failures and earn the friendship of a few friends? Or will the demon one day come back? Who is Sunset Shimmer now?
Fills in the gap from Equestria Girls to Rainbow Rocks, diverging slightly from continuity to tell a more complete story, slowly building Sunset Shimmer back up as a character worthy of having the HuMane 6 as her friends.
Planned to continue on to fill the gaps to the Friendship Games, but that is still TBD.
*** SIGNIFICANT RE-WRITE: Yes, I completely removed the first Arc of the story and integrated parts of it into the second. This has, in my opinion, significantly improved the focus of the tale and creates a more complete story. I apologize for making such a drastic change, but as I continued to edit and re-edit it, I kept coming back to the idea that the first Arc simply wasn't contributing anything exciting to the story.
Read the chapter last night, but busy college student is busy so here I am commenting in the morning instead xD
That aside, I think it's such a shame that this doesn't get more views and upvotes - it's such a great story. Normally I don't comment much, but this really is one of the few stories where I genuinely look forward to each chapter.
The characterisation is great and the writing phenominal - I can't get enough of it and I love how long and detailed the chapters are~
And I really feel Sunset's struggle - despite her being a magical pony from another world, it feels so real.
I'd help with editing, but...busy college student. I think I'd just hold you back from releasing chapters on time ^^; I think there are groups you can go to and find willing editors though, or you could post a thing on the forum asking for an editor? I rarely pick up mistakes though, so I think you're doing pretty well on your own!
Dazzling story though: All my yes
And the shipping? Hmm...
Well, I personally think a relationship might hinder the story a bit. It's a cute and fluffy idea but if you put too much focus on it then it might distract away from the main story, I think.
(Plus I prefer Sunset x Siren but y'know. Doesn't matter which one)It's really up to you though - I'll continue reading regardless of what you choose!
Thank you for making such an awesome story and carrying it out despite the little publicity it gets! I know I'd be pretty discouraged, but there are people that really like this story
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Hi! Thanks for the kind words! I always love to hear from someone who has been silently following. It helps me keep the enthusiasm to continue writing.
You're right about the editor forums, I just need to go out and find someone. I wouldn't expect someone who self-describes as busy to make time for my silly writing. So don't worry about that! I remember being in college, I was really busy back then... writing anime fan fiction and drawing comics. Ah, the memories.
Regarding relationships/shipping: Regardless of if/when any relationships develop in the story, the focus will never be solely on the ship. I've got a fairly detailed plan stretching out through 5 (or more) arcs, and none of it has to do with shipping. Well, maybe Arc 3 used to, but that's changed a bit since I've been into writing Arc 2. This story is about Sunset growing into a powerful figure and finally deserving the greatness she's always desired.
And, well, let say that Sunset x Siren is not totally out of the question. Wasn't one of my initial ideas, but now that I'm letting myself consider more possibility, well, it's one of many. My Dazzlings story continues to percolate in my head and involves a fair bit of brief relationships. As the teaser at the end of the previous chapter indicated, they've been in the human world for a veeeeeeeery long time. As in Adagio and Princess Luna could compare notes on tectonic movements.
Anyway, thanks again for reading and commenting! I hope you continue to enjoy the fic!
I must say that despite there not being many views on this, this is one of the greatest FIMfics I've read! I'd say it's a close second to The Albinocorn's story Long Road To Friendship (that's my opinion anyway)! As for the Sunny/Flutters pairing, do whatever you feel is the best! I'll be here to support ya!
Ooh! NICE! Loving the way this alternate Rainbow Rocks is going! Also really enjoying how Twilight and Sunset are getting along better similarly like they did in the movie. Will you be expanding on their friendship in this? Keep it up!
Wow! Great work! Despite altering events a tad, this was still fantastic! I especially loved how you delved into each members' thoughts and emotions, henceforth, making them more realistic. Although I wonder...what was Sonata gonna ask about Star Swirl? Hmm...
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OMG! Thank you so much for your wonderful comments and feedback! I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier, but I was unable to even check the FIMFiction site for a while during my recovery. I greatly appreciate every comment!
I'm glad you're enjoying this take and especially recent chapters. I admit to a little fatigue in the author's notes, but it's nice to see the feedback. I don't really appear to have caught much attention with my story but just knowing a few people are loving it makes me happy.
The answer to your Sonata question is to come in the Act 2 Finale. I hope I can get it done in a week...
Thanks again for reading!!
Bravo! Bravo! Loved this chapter! Amazing! No mere words of mine could possibly convey what I'm thinking right now. I'll just say that I'm THOROUGHLY IMPRESSED. You really made me feel for Sonata and Star Swirl with the flashbacks. I practically cried!!! And good work with the Sunset and Twilight conversation at the end! Very nice and emotional. I hope to see more good stuff in Arc 3!
Keep up the awesome work!
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Thanks again for the comments! I'm glad you enjoyed it and that the feelings I was going for had worked. I generally come to love my characters as I'm writing them, and it was hard to put Sonata and Star Swirl through so much. I'm glad that you didn't mind my alternate interpretation of Sonata, as a lot hinged on the ability to see that there was once a different person behind the silly, mostly lost Sonata we see in Rainbow Rocks.
Regarding Twilight and Sunset, I think Rainbow Rocks ends way too quickly after the Dazzlings are done, there is so much left to be said between the two and I wanted to get some closure in there. They hardly have said everything there is to be said, but at least they tried and Sunset gets to make a real decision about going back to Equestria or not.
Thanks for reading and I do hope when I get to Arc 3 you enjoy it just as much!
5838996 I'm sure I will!
Hey! I've only just started reading this over the last few days, and I have to say that I'm really happy with everything you've done; the complexities you've given each character, the slight changes to Rainbow Rocks. I'm really glad you didn't just say "Insert Rainbow Rocks" here. I love the movie too, but I also enjoyed your slightly different version as it presented so much more depth to everyone (Sunset Shimmer and Star Swirl in particular).
Over the arcs, I saw a few word problems, but other than that, I think this story is wonderful and I hope you can come back to it soon! I understand burnout, and fighting for inspiration. Though I've not written in this fandom (yet - I have some OCs I want to write for, but no ideas of a story), my own big story takes months, even upwards of a year, just to finish one chapter.
Thank you all the same for this wonderful story!
~WitchingHour13
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Hi! Thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed the changes I made to Rainbow Rocks, I was dedicatedly skeptical that I was adding anything of value and it's nice to hear some people enjoyed it. ;)
I understand the struggles to write anything big. I typically muse on a story for weeks before starting so I at least have an idea where I'm heading, then I tend to write at breakneck speed before I lose the inspiration (and forget the details). I have an epic I've been writing on Fanfiction.net for almost nine years now and it's only twice the length of Make My Way Back Home. Sometimes the words come quickly, sometimes not...
Thanks again! I'm actually in the process of some heavy revisions of what is already posted after I was brutally taken down a notch by a Equestria Daily editor. Ah well. :) When I've finished those edits I'll come back and start Arc 3.
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I hope that the 'brutal' editor at least gave you some sort of constructive thing move forward with - given that you're in the process of editing/revising what you've written, I'm going to guess they did. I hope you can finish those and return to Arc 3 soon!
Just an update for those of you who are patiently waiting. I've been making a few updates to earlier chapters to sort of smooth over some of the rougher parts. I still have more to do, but if you see word counts increase suddenly, that's the reason.
I've also started putting together my notes for Arc 3. I think I've taken enough time off now and plan on getting back into this story in the near future.
I do, actually, honestly, truly need an editor, and will be trying to get one soon. I was foolish to think I could manage a story of this size without pre-readers and editors.
Thanks everyone for waiting, the story will start up again soon!
Is the cover art for this story by any chance inspired by the Advent Rising 2005 xbox game box art?
This story is really great. A lot of people have tried to fill the gap between EQG and RR but I think you've done it best, by far. Sunset's progression is gradual, nonlinear and verosimile. Some heavier topics are treated directly, but tactfully. The Humane 5 are in character, Fluttershy first and foremost. The prose flows nicely and, God bless you, error free :P
Dunno if you're still planning on continuing to work on this, or if you're still around at all. But it's a real shame to see it lie unfinished like so. Do consider at least wrapping up with an open-ended epilogue of sorts.
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I'm still here, actually, just on a much longer hiatus than I anticipated. I'm in the middle of a re-write at the moment and hope with this momentum I'll just keep going after I reach the end. I have had to adjust my plans a little because I do want to incorporate the events of Friendship Games, which means some of the things I wanted to do between Sunset and the Humane Twilight have to be altered. Also, I hadn't anticipated Sunset and Fluttershy being in a relationship. At all. Best laid plans and all that.
Still, I'm excited again about this story and hope to make progress soon. I appreciate your kind words and hope you continue to read when I get moving again.
Even though it's been a while since I read the original version, I really like the re-write!
I hope you post more soon!
Okay, was thinking of writing the first review after reading the six rewritten chapters, but... well, just the prologue im and I already have bits to talk about.
Now, I've actually read plenty of Sunset fics, from one-shots to quite the recommendable epics, but this one has already managed to stand out for two reasons, well, one more so than the other.
The less important one because it's not unique but it is rare, it's Principal Celestia's more direct involvement with Sunset Shimmer. The potential relationships between them is something I'd often like to see explored more, and I'm kinda hoping it's not just a thing for the start. But well, I'll find out eventually.
The big, unique thing to me was actually the fact that Sunset has legal guardians in this story. Like I've said, I've read many fics, but almost every single one of them had her living on her own, and in the few where she didn't, it often isn't with a guardian.
So... this actually really stands out. Not sure how much role these parents will have, but I'm certainly expecting some for Sea Spray, considering the amount of characterization she's already gotten (also, somehow it feels like I shouldn't be surprised that she reminds me slightly of some versions of Shego's mother in KiGo fics ^^U), but well, only time will tell.
Now, I bring all this up because it's what got my attention, but whether it's all for good or not will depend on how the story continues. I'll write you when I see how that goes. I'll say, though, that it's interesting so far, so it's certainly a good start for the story. Now to see how these elements play out in the retelling of the movies.
So well, see ya in next review!
Yours, "Terrible Starter" Alexander, the Godslayer.
Bye!
PD: Sorry about potential typos. I wrote all of this on my phone. ^^U
Well, two chapters in and I thought I'd... well, share some thoughts. I must say, there's certainly some genius as to how you portray and present Sunset Shimmer throughout the story. On the large, she's a mystery, and yet every action of her establishes something about her character with crystal clear clarity.
What I see so far is a girl with huge abandonment and self esteem issues, as well as a driven mentality and a prioritizing for results.
The fact that she was abandoned as a child, whatever were the reasons, clearly haunts her to this day, probably even more so for the aforementioned lack of clear reasons. If she at least had some answers, like her biological parents never having really wanted a child, or the separation having happened due to outsides forces they couldn't fight against, she wouldn't be so haunted by the mere theoretical yet impossible-to-prove-absolutely-not-true possibility that she was abandoned because in some form or fashion, she just wasn't good enough.
Like I said, this clearly haunts her to this day, and it has defined two of her most notable characteristics. 1) Her thirst for power, which to her, it's really just her desire for validation, recognition of her worth. Something, anything, to shake her deepest fear away. And 2) Her antisocial attitude, for that is nothing if not a means of coping with the abandonment: To tell herself that she didn't lose anything of real worth, and for the sake of believing that, she convinces herself that bonds just aren't that important, even if she had to come up with ridiculous arguments line her "friendship is a coincidence" definition (which, admittedly, was hilarious to read), even if this attitude doesn't perfectly match with her pursue for validation, as such requires relationships in and on itself. But hey, contradiction is human, as it is to err.
But of course, to sustain these beliefs, especially when they're potentially contradicting, a great deal of determination and conviction is necessary, which is how her drive came to be. She forced herself to become relentless because she simply couldn't have coped with reality otherwise, and for this, she had plenty of "positive" reinforcement. After all, she couldn't have become Celestia's pupil without having earned it, which she likely took pride in, at least at first. Similarly, she couldn't have become the school queen without earning it, and that's another victory to her favor. In other words, her efforts nearly always paid off, so it's no wonder she's so stuck to her ways.
The one aspect I'm still rather curious about is her focus on results. Namely because this seems to be part of what caused her falling with Celestia. I mean, I get her being like this, specially seems she so of the mindset that "the goal justifies the means" that she never stopped to think back and consider the potential consequences of said means. I'm still pretty curious about her and Celestia, and how Sunset came to see her as a Tyrant. I hope that gets explored more since at the moment, it still feels like there's something missing.
Wow, certainly didn't expect on this becoming such psychoanalysis of the character...
Last thing I ought to mention is that I'm surprised at how... how to put it? Basically, the extent of how it's never easy for Sunset, and for all the right reasons too. The way you had Rarity take none of her bullshit was both hard to watch, yet glorious on its own right. Really curious as to how you plan to mend things between her and the others by the time of Rainbow Rocks, specially since I think there's only 4 chapters left before that, but, time will tell.
Yours, "Never Easy on Reviews" Alexander, the Godslayer.
'til next review!
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Thanks for the reviews! I did want to comment, even if nobody is looking, that the "it's never easy for Sunset" aspect is incredibly important to me. One of the greatest complaints I have about fanfiction is how hard it is for writers to put their favorite characters through hell or to have them strive to achieve but fail.
I think it comes from the fact that fanfiction comes from a place of admiration or even idolization and it runs contrary to that motive to show failure. But it's a concept we all have to resist! I want my most favorite characters to have the hardest time getting what they want. Because every failure makes the one time they succeed ever so much sweeter.
I really didn't think that I'd have more to talk about so soon after, but here we are, and I'm afraid part of it is gonna be a bit of a rant, though most of it isn't even directed at the fic itself.
But let's get down to the point: Flash. Motherfucking. Sentry.
But before I talk about my problem with him in this fic, I need to talk about my problem with him in the movies. See, first time I watched Equestria Girls, my reaction was about average. Nothing as bad as what some were expecting, but nothing ground breaking either. It was just something that happened, was interesting, and left. Granted, then Rainbow Rocks and Friendship Games came about and THOSE movies were really good and more than made up for the first movie's lacking points, but aside from all that, I always found Flash to be the worst element of them all, and most annoying in the first one. Why, you may ask?
When I stopped to think about it, and after getting the opinions of others, I realized that I didn't actually dislike Flash for himself. The guy was just too bland and stereotypical (or as a certain reviewed put it, such mash up of three different stereotypes for male love interests that it's a wonder he hasn't imploded from the convergence) that I can't dislike him for what he is, or even feel like he's deserving of my hate.
So what is it about him that ticks me off? Simple... well, not so much, but I'll explain myself, don't worry. See, I don't hate Flash, I hate what he represents. And what does he represent? A checklist.
He is the most crystal clear evidence that like it or not, Equestria Girls, the first one at least, was made with a checklist at hand or in mind, a checklist of high school cliches to cover. And there's what pisses me off: That someone decided the movie just couldn't be complete without featuring a clichéd male love interest, and they put THAT above other things such as Twilight's characterization. Okay, that may be a rather arrogant of me to say, but as someone who enjoys Twilight for her smarts, it feels disappointing to have the first time she shows attraction to anyone be based on appearances before anything else, and downright seems to contradict previous canon considering Twilight has been shown to interact or be in presence of a few male characters that were suggested to be handsome by Equestrian standards (best example that comes to mind being Big Mac), yet she's never displayed any of this attraction, so this feels like another thing forced into the movie for the sake of the aforementioned checklist.
And if you need anymore evidence to be convinced of what I'm saying, I can provide. And if you don't... well, I'm gonna anyways because goddammit, when I make a point, I gotta make it throughout! If you feel this is excessive, just skip the next five paragraphs.
To start with, it's the fact that he's in this movie for no other reason than to fill in that point in the checklist. And this expands in two ways.
First, that you could cut him out of the movies and nothing would need to change. His presence and role in most of his scenes could have easily been replaced with that of other characters like the Humane 5, and heck, it might have even helped expand them more!
Second, in case you wonder what other purpose he could serve, it's simple: To sell toys. After all, many times the producers have shoehorned stuff into the plot or forced it upon the writers for the sake of selling toys, like the most controversial one of them all, turning Twilight into an Alicorn. But here's the thing: By the time of the first movie, there was no Flash Sentry toy! Neither human, nor pony. They did eventually make one of him, but only for some set of the THIRD movie, so even then, that argument doesn't hold because clearly nobody was thinking that by the time.
And the last nail on the coffin is that infamous line from Rarity in the first movie revealing that he's Sunset's ex-boyfriend. Again, WHY is that in the movie? It serves no purpose, it never comes into play, let alone have any consequences. So again, why? One word: CHECKLIST! Because in a clichéd high school movie with a female protagonist, her love interest being the alpha bitch's boyfriend or ex is yet another known cliche in the genre, and they decided to throw it in. It's the only reason that makes any sense as far as I can grasp.
And okay, I guess one could argue that hey, maybe someone in the staff actually wanted to explore the romance angle, right? But... if this is what they can bring to the table, I'd honestly rather they just didn't try at all.
So, that more or less covers my beefs with Flash. The question now is, how does that relate to Flash in this fic?
Well, partly because I think that you fell for many of the same mistakes. Expanding on Sunset's background with Flash and making her reconcile with him is something I've seen in EqG fics before, and at this point, they've become two points in a checklist that seems to pop up in the minds of many fanfiction writers wishing to explore Sunset Shimmer's character.
So yeah, we're back to a checklist, but on top of that, it honestly feels like his scenes here, much lime his presence in the movies, just wasn't needed, and to top it off, they don't contribute to much either.
The first scene, the one that's a flashback, was just... I'm sorry to say, but it was mostly boring, and when it wasn't boring it was uncomfortable to read. It's just two characters in a room being so awkward with one another, and one of them so difficult to communicate with, that at one point my mind went: "I really hope this isn't trying to explain how these two ended up dating because this lack of chemistry is instead making me question why these two even bother giving one another the time of day."
And the scene quickly overstays its welcome. By the time it's over and the conflict with Rarity from the previous chapter is brought up, I was cheering! "Yeah, let's go back to the interesting stuff!", I thought to myself. Imagine my disappointment when instead, the focus soon returns to Flash.
Now, the next big scene with him, when he and Sunset meet during lunch, is admittedly not a bad scene on itself, but it presents the same question as his scenes in the first movie: Why Flash?
Thing is, this scene is only interesting because of what it does for Sunset's character and development, helping her realize that not only she's lost in her current situation, she's also lost whatever idea of purpose she once had. Plus, it serves to cheer her up so Trixie may attempt to bring her down later on. And that's great and all, but Flash being there doesn't help at all.
I bring this up because so far, this fic has been doing a GREAT job at creating unique relationship for Sunset with some of the Humane 5, mainly Rarity and Fluttershy, with Dash having already given hints of how things will be with her since she blocked that ball aimed at Sunset's head. At least, that's what it feels like to me.
Bottom line, instead of this scene with Flash, it could have been something to start something unique with Applejack, Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash. I personally think Applejack would have been great for it for two reasons, one being that she's been lacking in screen time the most so far, and second, that she feels just right for the moment. She could have engaged Sunset in a "total honesty" conversation, given her element, and could even have done something for her like bringing apples for Sunset to eat, since she knows the girl has been having such troubles at the cafeteria that she might as well stay out. AJ's direct honesty might have compelled Sunset to reply in the same manner, and get out of her the same answers to Flash's questions that helped Sunset come to her own realizations.
Now, all that said, I should mention that I generally don't mind Flash popping up in EqG fics that aren't about him, but it's usually because they do one of two: Either they keep his presence short and to the point, OR they expand his character beyond what the movie did.
Sadly, this chapter does neither. Like I've said before, I really felt like he overstayed his welcome, and on top of that, by the end of it all, I don't feel like I've learned anything new or interesting about Flash at all. Everything that happens with him still retains him in the painful, generically nice "goody two shoes" role that the movie made for him, leaving him as the same character that I don't hate for itself, but I can't find absolutely anything interesting about either.
And on top of that, I feel like this chapter committed yet another mistake of the movie in regards to Flash: That it tries to sell him like there's some worth to him, but asks me to just take their word for it rather than actually show it.
Namely, the thing that was alluded to more than once about Flash having always been able to tell that there was more to Sunset than it what she showed in the surface. I'm sorry, but... WHY? None of that has been shown! Maybe now, but definitely not before. There's no evidence that Sunset occasionally did something nice for anyone before the events of the movie, and I can't recall any hint either other than Flash's word for it. And personally, it's kind of really frustrating as a reader to be told to accept something that not only I haven't been shown in the slightest, but it also seems to contradict everything I've been shown so far.
And honestly, if you wanted to do something like that, i.e., show Flash as a perceptive guy, there's better ways to go about with that. For example, you could, instead of having Flash just see something in Sunset just cause, have him recognize certain patterns of her attitude and mannerism as not inherent meanness, but as characteristics of someone's self defense mechanism, which he can recognize because, as he could confess to Sunset with a hint of regret, he's seen such traits before, and he didn't want things to "end like last time", what could that mean, you ask? Did Flash have a certain someone in his life that he didn't help when he could? Did he lose them because of it? Does he hold some deep regret that he hides under a mask of easygoing cheerfulness? Doesn't matter which it is, because any potential answer alone can make Flash a more interesting character, and thus the question alone helps building upon him.
Because see, even if you feel like, "Yeah, he may be a point in a checklist, but it's one I consider important for Sunny to go through", then by all means, go right ahead, just please either keep it short, or do something, anything different with Flash, because as he is, he's just about the least interesting character that the show ever produced.
But okay, okay, I've gone long enough on this rant, when really, it's largely my pet peeves and even though I know Flash isn't a popular character, I doubt anyone's bothered about this part of the fic as much as me. Besides, for all I know, I just might be wrong and this all might actually be leading to something bigger. I doubt it, but I can't really say that I know ahead of what I've read. But I've dwelled on this long enough, and probably making this chapter sound far worse than it really is, and that's without even getting to the good stuff about it, which is much.
First of which, I gotta say: I love your Fluttershy. Out of the Humane 5, she's definitely standing out the most and sweet Celestia,you're doing an amazing job at displaying that amazing courage that she hides within. Good grief, between this and Flutter Brutter, my opinion on 'Shy's escalating exponentially! Don't know how much role she'll have in the future, but so far, it's been an amazing ride with her.
And relating to that, gotta say, I love that you're working on bringing up Sunset's good traits in subtle manners to the point in which even she doesn't realize them at first, just as her way to "protect" Fluttershy. Basically, development has been great so far, so keep it up! :D I kinda do hope we eventually see more of her original motivations and how her past shaped her into who she is. It's another element that has been handled really well so far, so yeah, I get that it can only be taken so far, but I can't help but to hope for more.
Another thing I oughta talk about is the part with Trixie. Basically, I just gotta say that that whole scene is just wonderfully set. One can totally feel the tension in the air during those parts and boy, is it immersive. I don't know if it's the build up so far or just a really well set atmospheric situation, if not both, but that whole part outright shines for its tension and how much it grabs you. At least, it did so for me.
So, that covers more or less the whole chapter. I wanna reiterate that I don't think that the scenes with Flash are that much of a big deal. The reason for which I went into so much detail about it was because I wanted to explain everything properly, but more importantly, it's because everything with Flash has been stuff I've found to be about just average, while near everything ELSE in this fic has been above average if not downright great, so I honestly think you can do much better here, and if I can help with that, well, awesome!
So, sorry if I've sounded harsh at any point, but I really just want my criticism to help this be a better fic. That is, so long as it fits your vision of it, at least.
So, without dwelling any further, see you in the next review! ^^
Yours, “Took Forever To Write This” Alexander, the Godslayer.
Toddles!
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I appreciate the feedback. As can be expected, the compliments are wonderful, the criticisms are cringe-worthy. But I'm happy to have them, because I feel you're right about a bunch of it.
Flash as a character in EG... I could do without him. I wish he wasn't there. I agree with much of what you wrote, he was added because he had to be there to fill out a list, his presence in the first movie is fairly frustrating but he fails to actually impact the plot in any meaningful way so it's largely a nuisance.
The problem for me is that I'm trying (or at least at this point in the story I was trying) to remain consistent with the movies. Sunset's relationship with Flash is one of maybe three things we know for sure about her past and the ONLY thing we really know about her time in the human world. So I began... lets say a bit of narrative freestyling.
Flash may be pointless in the source material, but he doesn't come across as a moron or a bad person, so the only justification I was comfortable with is that there was a period where Sunset was not objectively that bad of a person and that was the person Flash dated. My version of pre-EG Sunset is fairly single minded, though, so Flash had to be be the purser -- dating was not part of the Sunset's plan. For Flash to even bother with Sunset, there had to be something interesting on display. I could have painted him as merely swayed by her looks, but ... well, to be honest that type of character is uninteresting to me. Besides, him being the pursuer is consistent with how he dealt with Twilight in EG and how he's coping now.
In any case, the weaknesses of these scenes sound accurate to me. I wrote the first scene for a different purpose (back when this story was twice as long as this and covered the pre-EG period much more extensively) but decided to re-use it because I was bringing Flash back as a character. Which does raise the question why was I bringing Flash back as a character.
I wanted Sunset to achieve something that was a step in the right direction but not yet a big deal. By presenting Flash as someone who was pre-disposed to liking her (as per the earlier "dating" comment) but was very obviously obsessed with Sunset's former rival, it was an early challenge for her. The first sign that despite her self-loathing, despite her comments to the HuMane 5 and Principal Luna, despite her half-measures with her parents, she was ready to walk a better path.
Reconciling with someone she'd scorned, and swallowing her pride, these were big moments in my eyes. And it gives her an ally she's earned.
All that aside, the two scenes are not as strong as they could be. With your feedback, I may revisit that flashback and change it to a more relevant point in Sunset's history -- though I will be disappointed to leave the 'how did Sunset learn guitar' scene in the dust -- and probably trim the fat on the walk through the fields. Though it's important that Sunset does end that scene happy so... well, so Trixie has something juicy to sink her teeth into.
Speaking of, writing this story changed my opinion on a lot of things. Trixie and Fluttershy are certainly much more prominent characters in my mind these days. Trixie has real pathos for me that was eventually come to light and Fluttershy... well, I was very dismissive of her as a character in the series, but writing this has given me a great appreciation for her strengths and importance for the balance of the mane 5. Her elevated role in this work is a result of my appreciation for her.
Thus, I'm glad you like what I've done so far with Flutters, the story would end up being pretty boring if you didn't.
Sigh... this is the type of review I hate to give. I'm sorry to say, but I've got some important criticism for the last two chapters. Please remember that all of it is meant to be constructive and that if there's any disagreement on your part, it's completely valid.
Mainly, what I want to discuss here now is Rarity's arc and portrayal.
It's kinda funny, even, because - while on a first reading I found it incredibly cringe-worthy - upon thinking it over later, I found that much of it was rather brilliant, only... awfully misplaced, to the point that it feels shoehorned in, although I doubt that's actually the case. Don't worry, I'll explain.
Now, to get it out of the way, my biggest beef by far is the role in which Rarity is thrown into, namely, that of "The Bitch" of the group, which I honestly find to be a HUGE disservice to her character, since Rarity has subverted time and time again many of the tropes associated with vain, superficial divas.
Mind you, this wasn't so before. Up until chapter 3, I was finding her portrayal pretty interesting. I thought she was gonna be though but fair in her treatment of Sunset, and really, it's ideal for at least one person in the group to take that stance. But... that changed when it became obvious that she wasn't gonna be difficult or demanding, she was going to be downright unforgiving.
And here's one of the big problems I had with this arc: The fact that Rarity is going to be unforgiving already becomes painfully obvious at the very end of Chapter 4 with that "Rarity had had enough" moment, with some hints having already been laid out early in that chapter too. And furthermore, it becomes clear beyond any doubt early in the next chapter, when Applejack and Rarity discuss about it, that Rarity is completely in the wrong with no moral ambiguity whatsoever.
By that point alone, and further even down the road, I was already VERY irritated with the course of events, and truth be told, had I not compromised myself to reviewing this, that may have been a point where I personally would have dropped the fic, just stopped reading and forget about it. But, here are are, and to some extent, I'm grateful since it's given me a chance to see things differently once I cooled down.
But back to where I was, having already concluded by then and before that Rarity was wrong, the entire rollercoaster ride of drama and breakdowns that follow after end up feeling needlessly exaggerated and gratuitous. Not because it's unbelievably unrealistic or badly written, although the extent of her denial is ridiculous and very cringe-worthy, but more importantly...
Well, to put it in another way, I later found myself wondering: "Isn't this the type of breakdown that SUNSET SHIMMER should be having?" Not only because Sunset has many, MANY more reasons than Rarity to have it, but also, what does this say about the characters in comparison? Sunset is forced to confront the fact that she's been a MONSTER for years and is... coping moderately fine, all things considered. Rarity makes one screw up with her friends and realizes she has some things in common with someone she dislikes... and it's Tears & Wails Town from there.
But furthermore, see, at its core (or at least as far as I can tell), this story is still about Sunset and her reformation. Now, I'm anything but against developing secondary characters to enrich the story and setting, but I feel like that went too far this time. You gave Rarity a little too much, a goal and an event to look forward to that will put all of her skills to the test. That's all... VERY interesting, but considering there's only two more chapter between this one I'm reviewing and the start of the retelling of Rainbow Rocks, I am betting that this arc isn't gonna have much following from here, but rather, that it was meant to just bridge things between Rarity and Sunset.
Now, if this was a story centered around Rarity, all this would have been downright great! But it isn't, so instead it feels... distracting?
By the time Sunset returns later on as Rarity is taking her designs off the art room, I felt downright disconnected from her, and rightfully so. Not only had the narration been following Rarity's POV strictly for a good while, but also, I knew nearly nothing about whatever she might have been doing during the last two days, which seemed important based off what she tells Rarity later, which kinda means we've skipped some of our protagonist's development. And so, the chapter concludes with the focus returning to Sunset as Rarity starts displaying that she's getting better after her breakdown, and that she's warming up to Sunset.
But alas, that scene pretty much lays it out that that's as far as we're getting about Rarity's personal quest and goals. And okay, yeah, I could be wrong, what with me not having read the following chapter yet, but even if I were, this is a story about Rarity that should be its own fic, as it is genuinely interesting and even relatable to me as an artist myself! But, developing it here would be obtrusive for Sunset's tale, more than it already is at least.
And lastly on this topic, well... I know Rarity can be stubborn, but I can't help feeling it that said trait was criminally exaggerated here until it became downright deliberate obliviousness, refusing to see, accept or listen to what's right in front of her, what her closest friends tell her, and instead stick to what she believes and/or wants to believe. And it's sad because her original motivation - keeping Fluttershy safe from Sunset hurting her again - is reasonable, relatable and endearing, but somewhere down the line it seems like she grew more concerned with being right than anything else.
So, overall, I think that about covers my beefs with Rarity's arc and portrayal in this story. But before it seems like everything I got are complaints, lemme get to the good stuff.
First of all, that the relationship between Sunset and Fluttershy is OH MY GOD so sweet! I wanna ship them! Can I ship them? Nevermind I'm shipping! XD
No, but seriously, it's really sweet. It helps that it actually feels natural with the way things are progressing and their interactions so far. Plus, while not outstanding, the portrayals of Applejack and Rainbow Dash feel pretty good so far, if rather downplayed, specifically on Applejack's case (big AJ fan, btw ^^U), but that's just nitpicking at worst.
Also, surprisingly enough, Flash's presence didn't actually bother me at all in these chapters. On the contrary, not only it's nice to see him actually helping and having it shown that he can be a nice guy, rather than just getting told that and expected to buy it, but also... well, remember what I said before about how something small like a tiny question could spark some interest and, through the intrigue, expand on the character? Well, in a small way, that's pretty much what you recently managed. I mean, the guy wants to speak with Sunset and it's not about Twilight? It's nothing big (at least I don't think so!), but my curiosity is at least picked.
And least I forget, I'm very curious as to whether you're going with whatever you started with the dream sequence and the following scene staring Luna. Now, the whole explanation about Nightmare Moon felt somewhat more extensive than needed, but that aside, I like how it sets some symbolism for Sunset's development.
Plus, I absolutely LOVE that you brought attention to Sunset's Cutie Mark and hinted at some potential, deeper meaning. That's one of those things that I really wish was explored more yet hardly anyone does, not even the show. So whatever you got in store for that, I'd love to know more about it.
And with that, I think I covered everything going on in these last two chapters. One more to read, then to see what I may do with the remaining content. 'til then, good writing! ^^
Oh, also, sorry for the delay on this review. I was busy writing another. ^^U
Yours, "Reviewers like Them are a Rarity" Alexander, the Godslayer.
Toddles!
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I think you've got some very reasonable criticisms of the Rarity story and it's intrusion into Sunset's story. I definitely waste a lot of time world building in my stories, and this was obviously a point that didn't NEED elaborating on but I had it worked out in my head and so I indulged. The idea was that the other Mane 6 would get similar treatment when their time came, but that may not happen anymore, so it's somewhat out of place now.
Regarding the story itself, I do want to say that Rarity's situation is a point of deviation from the pony's history, which I believe is fair game since EG hasn't really explained much of her past. I believe Rarity has the most fragile world view of the Mane 6 (with possibly Twilight rivaling her) given her bouts of "Oh! Drama!" through the series and the fact that she has been shown to very obviously work herself to death on several occasions for her craft. The goal of this chapter was to show how Sunset's damage was both long lasting and not related to surface issues. I feel like Sunset gets off too easily in the movies and everyone rebounds almost immediately. Real life injuries fester.
Anyway, yes, it disconnects us from Sunset's narrative, but I think a break is occasionally okay. I wanted to illustrate how little of Sunset's internal crisis is on display to the others and your feelings that you were disconnected from Sunset are intentional. This may indeed have been a better story for a Rarity-centric tale, but, to be honest, post-Rainbow Rocks, the story does become less focused on Sunset and brings in the others more heavily. So this was kind of a preview of a more ensemble-style tale that this was going to evolve into.
Of course, I need to actually write those chapters to fulfill that statement...
A wild Siren appears!
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No, tell us how you really feel.
Seriously though, I think you've summed up pretty much every point I've heard about Flash 'bucking' Sentry. As for fannon cliches, I guess they're cliches because they work. Most fiction I've read here give the character much more depth and development than Hasbro ever thought to. I've even read a few that almost make him a likeable character. The old standby being that he taught her guitar makes more sense than anything else I could think of other than Sunset wanting to learn to use her fingers and thought it would help.
The other part of this story really show some depth and feeling. That gap between the first and second movie seemed real jarring. Suddenly everything is great and Sunset has great friends. After the bitch she started out as, she would need to go through a crucible like this to be reborn like the phoenix they tried to portray in her music video.
I'm enjoying this story very much and am wondering why there aren't more reviews. Is it because of the rewrite?
I like this a lot.