Enchanted
Chapter 2: Enchanted
"F-Flash?" Twilight approached Flash her personal guard who was glowing, literally glowing!
"Hmm, Yes princess?" Flash pulled the ear buds out of his ears. As soon as he did, he stopped glowing. Twilight blinked a few times then lifted an eyebrow.
"U-Um, i-it's just...Um..." Twilight was trying to wrap her head around what she just saw."Y-you were l-literally glowing." Flash's eyes grew a little wide for a sec.
"Y-you saw that. Dammit! I thought I had that under control."
"Had what under control?"
"Well, for some reason whenever I listen to music by Pony City, I randomly glow it's strange, so I usually keep it a secret."
"You like that band too, interesting..." Twilight rubbed her chin. " Oh! sorry I was thinking. I was measuring your energy levels and I noticed something interesting."
"What?" Flash cocked an eyebrow.
"Well the same thing happens to me when I listen to Pony City, and your energy readings were similar to mine."
"Wow this is getting kind of spooky."
"Tell me about it. Here place the recorder on the table and play it, while' it's playing I'll measure both are energy readings." Twilight explained. Flash did as he was told and unplugged the ear buds. Twilight and Flash sat side by side. Twilight turned on the energy reading device and Flash played "Gold" on the recorder. The both of them closed their eyes as they listened. Simultaneously they started to glow. They both thought about the same thing: Twilight thought about Flash and her hugging. Flash thought the same thing. As the a song played the energy reading device printed out data on a long piece of paper. When the song concluded Twilight and Flash turned to each other. Twilight blushed at her previous thoughts. The both of them were still glowing though.
"Um, Twilight..." Flash started. Twilight was surprised this was the first time he called her by her real name. "I-I know this may sound weird but um... I want you to know I-I-I like you..." Flash winced at his words. Twilight started to blush as her eyes grew wider. 'H-He likes me' Twilight thought.
"Y-you l-like me?"
"Sorry for making you feel awkward. I-it's just that when I first saw your picture I wanted to meet you. Shortly after I went through a heartbreaking loss, I almost gave up on my life. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that I could meet you some day. When I finally met you, I wanted to tell you how I felt." Flash sighed and looked at the floor. The glow around him started to fade. Twilight was shocked. She knew she impacted a lot of ponies lives, but not to the point to where they lived on just to someday meet her. Twilight felt touched.
"F-Flash that's..." Twilight bit her lip."Th-that's so sweet." Flash perked up and met Twilight's gaze."I-I also wanted to tell you the same. But what made you want to meet me so badly?"
"Well, when I think about you I think how rare a mare like you is. Your like a shooting star, you shine so brightly and are so rare. Whenever I felt like giving up the thought of you made me think 'Not this time' no matter what came my way thought of meeting you kept me going." Flash sighed. Twilight never felt so warm inside to have some pony so determined to meet her it was "magical" absolutely "magical".
"F-Flash I-I don't know what to say. To be honest before I first met you I felt like there was this hole in my heart." Twilight leaned in closer. Flash did the same."Honestly even with such great friends I still felt something missing in my life. After I met you, something told me you were that missing piece."
"Twilight you are the most amazing mare I ever met." The two of them leaned in closer as they locked lips. Suddenly, they both started to shine as they kissed. Neither of them wanted it to end. Twilight felt the void in her heart disappear as thoughts of Flash flooded in.
"Wow," Flash breathed as they broke away. Twilight smiled at him with contentment and stars in her eyes."You smell nice too" Flash added. Twilight burst out laughing at his comment.
"Thanks" Twilight giggled. The two of them just looked into each others eyes, not trying to spoil the moment. Suddenly Flash's ear twitched.
"You hear that?" He suddenly spoke. Twilight listened for something.
"Yeah I do it sounds like..." Twilight's pupils shrank as her eyes grew large, her ears flopped down and her face turned red. Flash cocked an eyebrow then followed her gaze leading to the direction of the noise. The sound was coming from the front door. Flash walked over to the door and opened it. Five mares fell through the front door.
"Oh, I knew it was Flash Sentry," Said a white unicorn with a curly purple mane.
"Um... hi?" Flash cocked an eyebrow a bit confused. Flash looked back at Twilight who was hiding her head behind her right wing. Flash looked back at the five mares.
"He looks strong too," Said a blond orange earth pony.
"YAAAAAAAY PARTY!" A pink puffy maned earth pony yelled out. Flash lurched back.
"Um, Twilight do you know these ponies?" Flash walked back next to Twilight. Twilight stood up and faced the five mares.
"Flash these are my friends: Applejack," Twilight pointed to the orange earth pony."Rarity," She pointed to the white unicorn."Rainbow Dash," She pointed to a rainbow maned Pegasus."Pinkie Pie," She pointed to the pink earth pony." And Fluttershy ," She pointed to a yellow pink maned Pegasus." Girls you know Flash he's been assigned to be my royal guard and he's also my... coltfriend now" Twilight chuckled weakly.
"YAAAAAA! Welcome to ponyville/Twilight's got a royal guard/coltfriend PARTY!" Pinkie screamed. Suddenly the party pony pulled out a DJ station, a DJ, a stage, colored spotlights, and a karaoke set up. They were also suddenly inside a circus tent. Flash looked around trying to comprehend what just happened. He looked over to Twilight. She gave him a: 'You'll get use to it,' look.
--------------------
The night went on as they partied. Flash talked and got to learn about all of Twilight's friends. Near the end of the party Pinkie walked up to the microphone.
"Hey everypony!!" She yelled."I got a new song by Pony City. This is actually a mash up between Adam Young's enchanted and Taylor Swift's 'Enchanted', this song is for Twilight and Flash," Flash and Twilight looked at each other a bit worried.
"I-I don't know, I don't sing," Flash stated. It was to late to turn back though, both of them had been pushed up to the mic's. Twilight looked a bit worried as wall. As soon as the song started Flash and Twilight read the lyrics. As they sang the two of them began to glow. Every pony looked in awe as the two of them sang. Not only were they glowing but there singing was unquestionably amazing. They continued to sing as they Shined brighter. Spike ran back into the library and grabbed the energy reading device. When he got back he pointed it at Flash and Twilight as they sang. Twilight's five friends walked over to the device in Spike's hands.
"Ah'm not a scientist but Ah'm sure that this is not normal," A.J stated. When the song ended Flash and Twilight turned and bowed. They turned look out from the stage. They saw that they attracted almost all of ponyville. Every pony was staring wide eyed mouths agape. One pony started clapping then two then four then eight, soon everyone was clapping, cheering, and whistling. Twilight and Flash walked down from the stage and walked over to there friends.
"What's going on," Twilight chuckled a little.
"See for yourself," Spike handed Twilight a long piece of paper. Twilight grabbed the paper and looked at it. She lifted an eyebrow then suddenly folded her ears back in embarrassment.
"W-where we glowing again?" Twilight blushed. There friends just nodded. Twilight looked over at Flash, he gave her a smile which made her feel better. She returned the smile and gave him a peck on the cheek and hugged him. Flash was taken completely off guard by the gesture but just smiled and returned the hug. The five mares all d'aawed at the the show of affection by the couple.
--------------------
Twilight and Flash and Twilight walked back to the library with Spike already in bed. Twilight was about to go to her room but stopped.
"Flash," She said softly
"Yes Twily," Flash answered. Twilight gave him puppy-dog eyes. Flash just smiled as the two walked to the spare room. They sat down on the bed in the spare room. Twilight leaned forward and kissed Flash. He returned the kiss. They both fell asleep in each others arms. Twilight finally had some pony to call her own and she wouldn't have it any other way. Little did she know that there was some thing to come that would change her life forever and how important Flash really is to her.
---To be continued---
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Spelling error in your small summery. Right now your mistakes bug me more than Flashlight.
Fix the basic description ahead of time, or people might just down vote your story simply by just looking at your phrasing.
I agree with the others about the spelling errors...
But I think it's because (no offense if your not) your first language isn't English, but the site rules say that that's what language the stories need to be in.
(note this is before I've read the story going just on the descriptions)
But I'm sure it's not all that bad as long as everyone knows what's meant to be written.
5555629 What's meant to be written isn't a strong enough backing to support bad grammar. Think of an English exam. If your teacher knows what you meant to write, but misspelled words here and there, do you think she'd still mark you down?
Of course she would.
Also, although the whole "English isn't first language" thing can have a chance of being the case, often times, stories with bad grammar just have an author who doesn't know advanced levels of dialogue, structure, and punctuation.
No offense.
Wait. If Flash is one of the six Guardians of Harmony, then who are the other 5?
Needs a comma.
"Wrap", not "Rap".
Using curses from the show often gives the fiction a more geniune feel to it. Examples: "Horsefeathers" "Hay" "Flank" or even the most notorious: "Buck"
Oh my god. I don't know whether to laugh at an emotional moment due to a sime mispelling, or to feel terrified about what this actually refers to.
It's...pretty early for that in my taste...
Also, there's a lot of stuttering from the characters. WAY too much stuttering. I feel as if I'm looking at a record that's scratching on a phonntograph instead of a story.
Pinkie is random. I get that. But there was absolutely no provocation, nor any result of when she said this. This price of dialogue comes off a pointless, and makes Pinkie seem stupid, which she isn't.
TAYLOR AND ADAM DON'T EXIST IN EQUESTRIA. Also, Pinkie wouldn't have known about this since she never went to the human world. And the human world is established as a separate dimension to ours.
Four mares. One would never d'aww at a couple. Guess who it is. No seriously. Guess.
Okay. I got done with the second chapter. But there's something very jarring about this story.
I get it's based off of a song, but in all sense, you're advertising it. Stories can be based off of stories without giving direct linking to them. But here the song is practically advertised to us. No one likes these kinds of advertisements, especially about things they don't really care about in the first place.
5555985 Oh you.
*smiles and points finger*
Yeah. That's an easily overlooked, but very crippling mistake. Please fix this.
This doesn't even deserve a full review, you still get a star though.
media.tumblr.com/1e1dbcb8974367de90895df9fb2b98fc/tumblr_inline_mnp0n82CGo1qz4rgp.png
I like it :D
5555985
The other 5 are: Soarin, Big Mac, Cheese Sandwich, Carmela Apple, and I still have yet to decide the last one I'm Thinking Fancy Pants.
Remember this story isn't finished. Also there are at least 7 sequels or more I plan to wright.
You know all this negativity hurts I'm trying my best.
5558439
If you want, I can help you with proofreading, I might not catch everything, but I'm pretty good at seeing mistakes.
5558632
OK I'm not sure how to let others edit my stories but sure.
5558637
I'll either PM you or write down mistakes in the comments so you can fix them, which do you prefer?
there is also a way to let others see unpublished chapters, you put in a unpublished viewing password, and provide a link to the story along with the password.
5558465 And let me guess on who guards who? Flash is Twilight's guardian, Big Mac is Fluttershy's guardian, Cheese is Pinkie's guardian, Soarin is Rainbow's guardian, Carmel is Applejack's gauardian, and the last one (who might be Fancy Pants) is Rarity's guardian.
btw, my earlier comment was just on the first few paragraphs, and you should really use commas, and fix the word fined, it is actually find, in your description.
other mistakes in the description: Note, these words are written in the order I noticed them, not the order in which they appear
I'v: should be I've
any way: should be one word
look'd: should be looked
meany: should be many, unless you meant they are mean
been written: should be either just written, or been writing
story's: should be stories
praise giving: missing a for in between them
Flash emitting strange ability's: 1. emitting should be possessing, 2. abilities, not ability's
self's: should be selves
I'll point out more in the story later, the ones in the description are what make most people down vote before reading.
note, no comma errors were pointed out because they are hard to tell when it should or shouldn't be.
5558702
Yes you are correct.
I will post mistakes here
On! sorry I was thinking. I was measuring your energy levels and I noticed something interesting." Umm on?
That's so sweat man...
Also you kinda rushed it you are like me when I started just see New Beginnings: Elementary
There should be commas on either side of "her personal guard".
The "yes" doesn't necessarily need to be capitalized, but the "princess" does.
Needs a space in front of the quote.
{for some reason, whenever} ... {I randomly glow. It's strange,}
There should be a semicolon or a period in here. {was surprised; this} <=> {was surprised. This}
ponies'
that
Both need spaces before the quotes.
*You're
There should be a comma after "Whenever I felt like giving up", a period after "Not this time", and a comma after "No matter what came my way". Also, a letter "s" after or the word "the" before the word "thought".
Twilight had never felt so warm inside; to have some pony so determined to meet her
itwas "magical," absolutely "magical."Needs a comma after the name. {Flash, I}
Needs a comma after "honest" and one after "you".
There should be a space before the quote, and a comma after "Honestly".
Comma after "Twilight", and "I've", not "I".
Needs a space at the beginning of the quote and a comma at the end. {eyes. "You smell nice too," Flash}
Comma after thanks but before the quotation mark.
{each other's eyes, trying not to spoil}
{"Yeah, I do. It sounds like..."}
{looks strong, too,"
Ssaid a}There should be a comma after "Twilight".
Space before the quotation marks around Rarity's, Rainbow Dash's, Pinkie Pie's, and Fluttershy's names.
No capitalization on the pronoun "she" after those quotes.
The quotation marks before "And Fluttershy" and "Girls you know..." should have the space in front of them, putting them next to the sentence that Twilight is saying.
There should be hyphens in the adjectives "rainbow-maned" and "pink-maned".
There should be a comma after "Girls" and "you know Flash".
There should be a comma at the end of the last quote: {he's also my... coltfriend now," Twilight}
Ponyville should be capitalized.
The colon and comma don't necessarily need to be there. Also, *used.
The word "she" doesn't need to be capitalized, and there should be a space before the quote.
Both times you say "enchanted," it should be Enchanted, both italicized and capitalized, because they are song titles.
The punctuation after "Taylor Swift's Enchanted" should be a semicolon {;}, not a comma.
The end punctuation of the quote should be a period, not a comma, as it is the end of the reference to Pinkie and begins talking about Twilight and Flash.
On a side note: They have Adam Young and Taylor Swift in Equestria?
The comma after "know" should be a semicolon.
{It was too late to turn back, though; both of them had been pushed up to the mics.}
*Their
"Shined" should not be capitalized.
{got back, he pointed}
They already turned in the sentence before this one, and that would be "and looked out from the stage", not "look out from the stage."
{they had attracted}, and "Ponyville" is capitalized.
{Every pony was staring, wide-eyed, mouths agape.}
Needs commas after the list items {started clapping, then two, then four, then eight} and needs a semicolon instead of a comma after "eight".
*Their
That is a question, so it should have a question mark instead of a comma.
*were
*Their
That comma should be a semicolon.
{returned the smile, gave him a peck on the cheek, (optional) and hugged}
*GASP* When did Twilight's mom get there!?
The word "she" should not be capitalized, and there should be a period after "softly".
*other's
The "some thing" should be "something", and the sentence would read much better with the addition of {life forever, and just how important}. Thirdly, this is a past-tense story, so Flash was important to her, not is.
Anyway, hope you like your daily dose of Grammar Nazism, I will continue to read this.