It Begins
Chapter 1: It Begins
Twilight was, as usual, sitting in her ponyville home reading a book. Spike was cleaning when he belched out a plume of fire and a letter appeared. Twilight grabbed the letter and opened it. She proceeded to read it.
Dear Twilight Sparkle, it has come to my attention that I have not assigned you your own royal guard. As a princess, it is important you have protection, so Princess Cadence suggested Flash Sentry and I agreed. He should be arriving soon after you get this letter. I hope things are going well.
--Sincerely,
Princess Celestia.
She read the letter again to make sure she read it right. She couldn't believe it. It was great to have some more company, but this was better. Twilight had a crush on Flash Sentry, well she had formed a crush on his human counterpart when she was in the other world. She bumped into the pony version of him both before and after she went to the other world. She liked him, but he's probably much different from his human version because they've lived two different lives. He probably doesn't even like her the same way she likes him. A knock at the door brought her back to reality as she stood up.
"Coming!" she called as she walked to the door.
--------------------
The train slowed to a stop as Flash waited to get off. He was very excited. He got to be the personal guard for a princess, but not just any princess, the most beautiful mare in all of Equestria, Princess Twilight Sparkle. He sighed happily as her name passed through his mind. He remembered the first day he saw her picture, the second he saw her he knew she was the one. When he finally met her he was on duty, so he had to keep his composure. The only problem was that she's a princess, he was lucky if she even remembered his name. Also, she might have eyes for somepony else already.
"Hmm," he hummed to himself as he stepped off the train. He walked to the exit and looked around. He thought it was kinda weird that a princess lived in a tree house library, but from what he heard she is very intelligent, which he thought was really great. His last fillyfriend was very smart, but she was always overconfident. Flash suddenly felt a pain in his heart as he thought about how she broke it. That was probably the worst day of his life. He shook his head and refocused. He walked up to the front door of the library and knocked on the door.
"Coming!" came a voice familiar voice. That voice was so beautiful he felt all his bad memories leave his mind.
--------------------
Twilight opened the door, she suddenly felt her heart beat faster. Right in front of her was a tall orange pegasus stallion with a two toned blue mane. His cutie-mark was a two toned blue shield behind a yellow lightning bolt. He was wearing golden armor with his helmet under his right wing. On his chest plate there was a lavender six pointed star emblem that resembled Twilight's cutie-mark. Twilight gulped, not sure what to say.
"It's a pleasure to meet you again Princess Twilight sparkle," The stallion bowed to her. Twilight took a deep breath and spoke.
"I-I'm glad to meet you again too Flash sentry," Twilight smiled weakly. She felt so nervous, that her face heated up.
"Y-You remembered me?" Flash was very surprised. He couldn't believe a mare of such importance remembered someone as unimportant as him
"Of course I remember you," She replied with a smile. He returned her smile eagerly."Well I guess I should show you in?" Flash nodded and walked in closing the door behind him. Flash looked around in awe at all the books on the wall. Twilight chuckled at the look on his face as he looked around.
"You really like books," Flash said still looking round. "I heard you were really smart."
"Thanks, but I'm not all that great," Twilight responded sheepishly. Flash cocked an eyebrow. She seems modest.
"Really? From what I've heard your intelligence is what helped you become a princess. If you ask me that's quite a feat," Twilight felt strange. He was so nice.
"Th-that's very nice of you, thanks"
"Your welcome Princess, but it's true I've heard so much about you princess and you’re amazing. You’re obviously very important to many ponies." Twilight is always being showered with praise, but coming from the pony she liked it felt amazing. Twilight blushed and ran a hoof through her mane. He seemed perfect, if this wasn't a sign that he was the one then she didn’t know what was. A few minutes later Twilight proceeded to show Flash around. They walked over to Spike.
"Spike, You remember Flash?" Twilight said."He's going to be my personal royal guard."
"Hey nice to meet you Spike," Flash held out his hoof. Spike reached up and shook Flash's hoof. Spike looked at Twilight with a smirk on his face. She just glared at him. Flash watched the exchange and cocked an eyebrow, a bit confused. She continued to show him around till they got to the spare room.
"And this is where you'll stay," Twilight showed Flash into the room."Sorry it's not much."
"What are you talking about, there's more room in here than my quarters back in Canterlot," he smiled at her. He walked over to the spare bed and pulled his helmet out from under his right wing, inside the helmet pulled a bag out. He set his helmet on the side table next to the bed. Flash reached into the bag and proceeded to pull things out. He pulled out a small pillow, a blanket, a book, tape recorder with head phones, and a few tapes. The last thing he pulled out was a super dense dumbbell labeled 100 Lb. Twilight looked at the weight then at Flash. She suddenly noticed his muscles. They were hard to see under his armor but they were there. Twilight blushed and looked away when she realized she was starring.
"Now what?" She asked after he finished unpacking.
"You just go about your day as I just stand guard and protect you," he responded.
"Oh, OK. Then I'm going back to my reading." Twilight then left the room and closed the door. A minute later Flash put on his helmet, grabbed his tape recorder slipped in his ear buds and walked out.
-------------------
Flash walked into the main library where Twilight was running back and forth between books and lab equipment. She was writing things down and looking at a multitude of charts and graphs. Flash chuckled as he watched the mare work. She was in the zone. He walked over near the front door and took his guarding position. He turned on his music and closed his eyes. He just listened to his music. For some reason the image of Twilight popped into his mind. He didn't mind it though the thought of Twilight smiling made him feel good so he didn't ignore it.
--------------------
"Let's see if I turn this up by 5.96 degrees F for 1.72 seconds then..." Twilight suddenly turned her attention from her work to Flash. He was smiling and humming. But that wasn't what caught her attention, what caught her attention was the fact that He was literally glowing. She stood up and stepped closer. As she got closer Flash started to glow brighter, she reached over to a device on the table next to her. She pointed the device at Flash as it scanned him, the screen on the device lit-up as it gave energy readings. Twilight cocked an eyebrow and thought,'What is this?'
---To be continued---
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I'm having an hard time reading with the errors you have here. Like;
Among others, but this one was the most jarring.
Alright, first paragraph, and the grammar problem will be apparent. Also, writing in present tense can at times, be very jarring to readers. Stick to past tense.
Here's an example of what I would write, or what would be correct in present tense:
"As usual, Twilight was sitting home in Ponyville reading a book. Spike was cleaning when he belched and a letter appeared from the fire. Twilight grabbed the letter and proceeded to read it. It said,"
However, there is another big problem with this paragraph. It's boring. Very, very boring. If you've ever heard the phrase that's used a lot on this site, "Show, don't tell", then this is a prime example of "Tell". You give very simple descriptions of what's happening, without more detail, background, and details with interaction.
Here's what I'd write:
It was a calm and relaxing day in Ponyville, and Twilight took every advantage of it by finally getting around to finish reading her next novel, "Daring Do, and the Hunt for the Golden Manticore". While Twilight was delved into her story, Spike was whistling as he swept the floor, shooing the dust that had settled since his last cleaning. Suddenly, Spike gagged, coughed, and sputtered as he felt a letter welling up inside of him. With one large belch, a puff of smoke and green fire formed into a letter, sent from Princess Celestia herself. Twilight, upon hearing a letter being delivered, levitated the scroll towards herself, and unfolded it. It read, "
Also, something else is missing...
Yes! Dialogue! I've noticed that in this scene, at least to my liking, there are too many actions being presented without any characters speaking. I pictured the scene in my head, and it feels very awkward in this situation when nopony speaks.
Think: what did Spike feel like when he felt a letter welling up inside? Surely he would have warned Twilight.
How would Twilight react when she found that the letter was from Celestia. Remember: she still thinks of her as someone far higher than her, even though Twilight, herself, is a Princess.
The sound of the belch is missing?
I'll continue to read and point out more things I find.
"Sparkle" is a last name, or part of a name. therefore considered a proper noun. Capitalise it. Also, in my experiences of writing, "Princess" is a title, therefore capitalized.
Um..."Showed"
"dose". Okay, autocorrect is a wonderful think that God/Jesus/Muhammad/The Budha gace humanity. But DO NOT make it the staple of your grammar. Re-Read your chapter before posting, because even autocorrect can miss quite a few things here and there.
Okay, reading on, I can't point out too many mistakes because one: I hate typing on an iPhone. And two, any other mistakes I find are similar, or the same to the previous. Off to the next chapter.
Meany?
needs an editor, still good story.
5558404 Thanks ya I really need help with editing.
I'm only 15 turning 16 in February, I have a B+ in basic language arts, and I'm a scientist not a wrighter.
Don't replace E's with apostrophes, and the as usual in parentheses could be replaced with something more descriptive that is part of the sentence, like "as she usually does at this time."
There is no grammar mistake here, but it is frowned upon in the writing community to use this phrase
1. Capitalize both parts of a name or title
Twilight Sparkle
Princess Cadence
2. More of a curiosity, but why would Celestia choose Twilight's royal guard.
3. Use commas
As a princess, it is important
Flash Sentry, and I agreed
4. more of a personal preference, but I would say going well for you
5. Princess Celestia, Not Cylestia
1. she had read it right
2. believe, not be leave
3. Commas again
company, but this was better
She liked him, but
4. Twilight had a crush om Flash Sentry, has confuses what tense it's in
5. counterpart is one word
6. does, not dose, or better yet replace does for with likes
Good story hi I'm Ponykun a friend of Rainboom424 I'm here to help you.
First check your capitalization it's off but every thing else is good. Look I know what It feels like writing your first story it's nerve racking just look at mine.
This is pretty interesting. Love how this starts off, but I will point out somethings that you probably been told.
First, and I've seen some comments on this, you are a little off on grammar. Not as bad as I thought... mainly because I was thinking of my first story... ah, writing part one, those were the days. Nothing professional, just some good old fashion fun. Good times, good times... wait, I'm doing something.
Second, and I'm only saying this because I've been told this when I started, you're going to get a lot of dislikes for it including Flash Sentry. So don't get discouraged when it seems like a battle ground between likes and dislikes, just keep writing and, with time, you'll be loved.
Third but still second, I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't write, but don't focus on just these two character's ship. If I hadn't expanded to Pony's Creed, I probably would have quit for all the hate I was getting. So try to getting some variety in it, and who know? It might actually fit this story... like mine did.
Anyways, that's some advice that I'm pretty sure you'll get, if, again, you haven't gotten it yet. So keep writing man, and never give up, and always stay derpy forever, peace out.
Just remember, my son: YOU ASKED FOR IT!!
"Ponyville" needs to be capitalized.
"it is important that you have protection".
The comma there should technically be an m-dash (or just a dash since FIMFiction doesn't support m-dashes for some reason. That one's on you, knighty!) and there should be a comma after "well". (Yes, I am going all out on this one. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.) Super-obscure Porky Pig reference for the win!
The "he's" and "they've" in this sentence should be past-tense {"he was" and "they'd"}, not present-tense.
Again, the rest of the paragraph is in past-tense, not present.
This should technically be a colon: {not just any princess:}
That comma should be a semicolon {;}.
Past-tense on the "she's" and the "he was lucky" {he would be lucky}.
I think you know what's wrong here.
I don't reckon that's supposed to be there.
That comma either needs a coordinating conjunction or it should be a semicolon {opened the door, and she suddenly <=> opened the door; she suddenly}
"Two-toned" has a hyphen.
See above. ^
There should be a comma after "again", and "Sparkle" should be capitalized.
There should be a comma after "too". (Just for future note: when you address someone by name or title, you generally have a comma separating their name or title from the rest of the sentence. e.g.: "Sweetie Belle, you get back here!" or "I'm afraid it's a lot worse than we thought, Major.")
Either the comma or the "that" needs to go.
Needs a period.
The "she" there doesn't need the capital "s".
There needs to be a space between "eagerly." and ""Well".
{walked in, closing the door behind him.}
Personally, I would italicize this to show that it's Flash Sentry's thought; otherwise, past-tense. You know what to do.
The end punctuation of this quote should be a period, not a comma. As it is now, it shows Twilight telling Flash about the way he became a princess.
<ol>
1. {You're welcome}, not "Your welcome".
2. There should be a comma after "welcome".
3. There should be a period after "true".
4. There should be a comma after "I've heard so much about you".
5. "Princess" should be capitalized, as he is addressing her by her rank.
6. There should be a comma after the second "Princess" (the one I told you to capitalize).
</ol>
Do I need to say it?
That comma should be a semicolon {;}.
The word "you" should not be capitalized.
There should be commas after "hey" and "you".
There should be a space before the quotation mark ahead of "Sorry", and a comma after "Sorry".
{What are you talking about? There's more room...}
Needs a space between the "thought," and the "'What".
Also, speaking as a U.S. Army guy: listening to music on earbuds while on guard duty is a serious no-no. This is the kind of thing that is the reason the Equestrian Royal Guard does such an abysmal job at responding to threats!
Anyway, not bad for a first story. I am interested to see where you go with this. Yes, I really am finally done. Really. Do tell me if you don't want to see this on your next chapter.