The alicorns were killed in a merciless surprise attack. The pegasi were nearly wiped out also, unleashing wild weather upon Equestria. Earth ponies and unicorns had also suffered losses and struggled to survive in a world turned hostile. Who were their mysterious attackers and what were their motives? Could Equestrian civilization ever recover without their most powerful leaders?
This short story is my entry into Equestria Daily's "The More Most Dangerous Game Writing Contest", and has no relationship to my other stories.
Chapters (1)
I know this has NOTHING to do with the story, but I saw this story while I was listening to this:
The contrast was incredible...
It's a great concept. Keep it up OP. OR I'LL KILL YOU.
hmm i liked it ^^ rather dark, but with a glimmer of hope just outside of reach ^^
Does make me wonder how immortal Alicorns really are, are they simply ageless and powerful or are their souls immortal and "death" is only a temporary situation until they can safely be reborn?
Cool idea, definitely. However, it's an info dump rather than a story, so it's "kinda interesting" rather than "gripping". You couldn't cover as much, but you'd probably have a stronger entry if you focused on a one day slice-of-life of a pony in post-apocalyptic Equestria, and filled in the back story as the day's events prompted. Or another idea, perhaps three micro-vignettes focused on one pony hopping through different key events in your timeline. For example, Apple Bloom, 1) at the moment of cataclysm, 2) a year later, doing daily chores and then finding out that Twilight was still alive, and 3) the day of Twilight's foal's birth.
5510626 You're probably right, but although I like your idea of vignettes, I doubt that I could write that to my satisfaction within the 15,000 word limit. There's far too much that happens between the attack and the birth to be neatly wrapped up in so few words, at least as far as I'm concerned. Nevertheless I'll think about it. I'm certainly tempted to write a novel-length version though!
I may or may not read it.
Stories like this kind of description and story title should have 10,000+ around 15,000 words.
Attackers, world is hostile(anarchy) and deaths of many many ponies. Basically a war here.
5511144 I really love your storie.
5512750 It's not really a story about the war, but more like a sign of hope. I'm very seriously thinking of writing the entire story, but it would a heck of a lot longer than 15,000 words!
5514211
You should write it. You have a good alternate universe here with a lot of potential, a potential not very well realized in two thousand words. Also, I would like to add that I have liked all of your stories in both universes, and, I might as well add that it was your review of shortskirtsandexplosions's story Background Pony, and your subsequent Zeven/Whirring Coggs stories that converted me to Bronyism. Keep up the good work and Tail High!
I agree on the info dump comment, though the ideas behind the story are certainly compelling. I've never been a fan of the fallout story, that being said, I strongly encourage you to continue this story after the competition.
5540274 I have actually begun work on expanding this story. Watch out for the upcoming "Twilight Of The Alicorns".
5542943 and you are now watched. Hope you do well in the competition. I've got a story in there as well.
I can't really find anything to comment about, because there simply isn't much here. There's far more exposition than actual story in this piece, severely limiting the emotional effect that one should feel in a "distaster scenario." I mean, their entire civilization was mostly destroyed, but the story doesn't at all capitalize on it. Also, you never actually described the Kirin beyond name; people who aren't familiar with East Asian culture would have no idea what they are besides their malicious motive.
It's a good thing that you're expanding the story, because its current form is greatly lacking.
5592414 I agree that it's too short. I was stuck because I wanted to write more, but it was almost certain to be a bigger story than the competition called for. The competition also came at a bad time for me to be able to sit down and work at the story. I'll probably end up deleting this and concentrating on the expanded version as time permits.
This idea could work, but I found myself impatiently waiting for a story that never happened. Scenery and imagery could tell the story, but the continual mantra of "this is what happened" makes it feel like a history book more than anything.
5626153 It was meant to sound like a series of recollections, but I felt hampered by the limitations of a short story. Hopefully the long version - Twilight of the Alicorns - works lots better. I just have to get around to writing it all!
5626548
Could work! Good luck. :)
This is a brilliant one-shot and yes, while I would agree that it likely be better if expanded, that did not change the fact that I really enjoyed reading this story.
I hope it's expanded version doesn't have to wait too long. (Though I am enjoying your more recent writings.)
I think you need to distinguish between immortal and ageless. Immortal cannot die. Like, at ALL. Immortal either has a body, that cannot be destroyed, or has an ability to reform, after the body has been eliminated. But here you say that Celestia, Luna and Cadance actually died. That means they are not immortal.