• Published 2nd May 2012
  • 12,585 Views, 779 Comments

Family Secrets: The Reveal - Schrodinger's Pony



The Mane Six are keeping secrets from each other. All of their secrets are uncovered.

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Pony Joe's

The ponies followed Twilight and Rarity’s light spells through the darkness. The long winding tunnel eventually began to be more formed, the walls sharpening, staircases forming. Ferdinand got ahead of them once or twice, but Fluttershy always managed to call him back. They went down into the darkness so far, that the gravity began to shift as they approached the other end of the world, and they began to walk up staircases instead of down them.

Rainbow Dash walked next to Spike. At one point, Spike stumbled.

“You okay?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Yeah.” He grumbled. “Just a little tired.”

Rainbow Dash frowned, worriedly. “Do you want to ride on my back?”

Spike thought a bit, and nodded. He climbed onto her. “Thanks.”

“No prob.” Rainbow Dash kept walking for a while after that, as if trying to figure out what to say. She turned to the foal draped across her back. “Hey, Spike?”

“Mmmhmm?”

“You didn’t, like, just want to come because I’m you dad right? I mean… you know that you don’t have to be me?”

“I couldn’t be you if I tried.”

“Okay. Good.” Rainbow Dash beamed, and kept trotting forward.

They didn’t know how long they’d been walking for. There was no sun, no moon, no clocks. Just an empty tunnel, and an occasional squack from Ferdinand.

In the lead, Rarity turned to Twilight. “Twilight dear… may I be frank?”

“Yes Rarity?”

“I… have something to say. But I want you to Pinkie Pie swear that you won’t… well, freak out.”

Twilight was confused, but she complied. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Rarity smiled, but the thought of what she had to say turned her face back into a mask. “I… know what we’re going to find at the end of the tunnel, Twilight.”

“You do?”

“Yes.” She bowed her head. “At the end of this tunnel, you will find my parents, and a collection of their friends.”

Twilight looked confused, then shocked, then she looked like she was about to ask something, but Rairty put a hoof to her lips. “You Pinkie Pie promised not to freak out.” She said, pleadingly.

Twilight nodded. “Okay… not freaking out but… what? Why? How?”

“The ‘what’ is simple.” Rarity sighed. “According to Fluttershy, ‘monsters’ live in these caves, and we already know dragons considered ponies monsters. The why and the how… are less easy to explain. But…”

“Ahoy down there!”

They looked up. Somepony in a trottingham accent had called down to them from the top of the stairs. Somepony holding a lantern.

Twilight started to go up, but Rarity put a hoof to her shoulder. “I promise you Twilight, I left this life behind me. I would have told you about this, if I had ever thought we’d be going back in.”

“I say, ahoy there!”

“Who’s that?” Pinkie Pie asked. The others were close enough behind them now to hear the pony calling.

“It’s the watchpony.” Rarity said. She called back to him. “Ahoy Pipsqueak! It’s me, Rarity!”

“Ms. Rarity!? That’s great! Um… Is… is Sweetie Belle with you?”

“Not this time darling.”

“Oh. Well, don’t just stand there in the cold ‘n dank, come on up!”

“Rarity, what’s goin’ on?”Applejack asked.

“Well you see…” Rarity tried to explain. “My parents are sort of… tourists… who don’t have to pay to go where they want.”

“What’chya talking about?” Applejack asked.

“What I mean to say is, they are adventurers, of duplicitous nature and skill.”

“Rarity?” Twilight asked. “Can you tell it to us straight?”

“Oh my.” Rarity blushed. “What I mean to say is, my family is filled with experienced sailors who have no difficulty crossing blades if the occasion calls for it.”

“Speak English!” Rainbow Dash yelled.

“I’m so dreadfully sorry.” Rarity apologized. “What I mean to say is… oh please, please don’t tell Celestia anything about this, but…”

They reached the top of the stairs. In the dim candle light, they could see they were in some sort of cavern. It was filled with torches, and half of the cavern was filled with some sort of underground lake. Ships were anchored in the lake, a portcullis built into one of the walls seemed to be their method of entrance. There was another ship, wrecked on dry land, but with a door carved into its side. The lights were on inside of the ship, and cheering could be heard from inside. Each and every one of those ships flew a black flag, with a pony’s skull and crossbones on them.

“Your family is pirates!” Pinkie Pie squealed.

Rainbow Dash took Rarity’s face in her hooves. “I…. have greatly misjudged your radicalness. Can you ever forgive me?”

“O-of course.” Rarity stammered.

Twilight facehoofed. “Rarity… I’m trying not to ‘freak out’ about your family being criminals but… please just tell me that you aren’t some sort of pirate princess.”

Rarity gasped. “Of course not! Pirates are anarchists, they don’t have princesses!”

“Sweetie Belle looks like a princess.” Pipsqueak offered from the side.

“Thank you Pip.” Rarity smiled.

“That is so not comforting.” Twilight gritted her teeth.

“Squack! Captain! Captain! Whistle!” Ferdinand flew off of Fluttershy’s shoulder, and into the shipwreck.

“That’s the secret underground level of Pony Joe’s.” Rarity said. “It’s a popular pirate haunt, where ponies can anchor their ships and have a donut and a drink without worrying about other pirates fighting them.”

“And it looks like we’re going in.” Twilight said. The others nodded in agreement. “But only because we’re on a mission for Fluttershy. Don’t think we’ve avoided talking about this Rarity.”

Rarity put on a shocked look. “Forgive me Twilight, but I hardly see the problem.”

“Your family is full of criminals!”

“It’s family. What can you do?” Rarity shrugged.

“Ms. Rarity… are you sure she should be let in?” Pip asked, eyeing Twilight suspiciously.

“Oh, she won’t be a problem.” Rarity smiled. “I’m sure a brave young gentlecolt like yourself wouldn’t find it amiss to let her through on my recommendation?”

Pip beamed and nodded. “Yep!”

“Wait!” Pinkie Pie jumped up.

“What is it Pinkie?” Rarity asked.

Pinkie Pie reached underneath, and pulled out a pile of eye patches. “I’ve been saving these eye patches everywhere for an eye patch emergency! We’re about to go into a pirate emporium! If ever there was an eye patch emergency, this is it!”

“Hmmm… yes, perhaps you’re right Pinkie.” Rarity picked up her own eye patch and began to embroider it.

Twilight looked ready to explode. “Pinkie, you knew about this place!?”

“Nope!” Pinkie beamed.

“Then how could you have hidden these eye patches down here before we got here!?”

Pinkie Pie winked – or perhaps, since she was already wearing an eye patch she had merely blinked – and trotted happily to Pony Joe’s.

“She’s Pinkie Pie sugarcube.” Applejack patted Twilight comfortingly on the shoulder. “You’d be better off trying to understand Discord.”

Twilight sighed, and trotted with the rested of them. The sound of cheering and merry making was prominent inside, and despite what should have been an ominous atmosphere, the ponies couldn’t help but feel like no harm could come to them as they opened the doors.

“’Tavy!?” Rarity squealed in delight. “Oh, ‘Tavy it’s been too long!”

In front of them was a grey earth pony, wearing what was without a doubt a Rarity original, albeit an unconventional pirate themed one. She walked on her hind legs, and wore a blood red coat that reached the floor with, along with a scarlet wide brimmed feathered hat and, somehow most prominently, a gem studded bow tie. Her cutie mark was a clef, and her mane was tied up in a prim and proper fashion.

“Rarity!” Octavia laughed. “I can’t believe you’re here! It’s been far too long.”

“Oh, I agree Tavy.”

Octavia leaped onto a table, and somepony passed her a cello. “Hey everypony! Rarity’s back! Let’s all celebrate!”
She began to fiddle a fast-paced tune on her cello, a tune that most of the pirates seemed to recognize and sing along with. Although, the singing seemed to mostly consist of the pirates yelling ‘Argh’!

Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh argh argh!”

“Say what you will about pirates, but they can carry a tune.” Rarity chuckled and began to dance.

The pirates began to dance, unleashing a horde of perched parrots from their shoulders into the rafters. Twilight groaned. Somewhere up there was Ferdinand. Nopony else seemed to notice though, as Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash began to dance as well.

Octavia began to sing:

“Grab your Cider, hold it high!
Hit your shipmate in the eye!
Yank their mane and punch their nose!
Watch your step, it’s Pony Joe’s!”

Fluttershy whimpered in fear as the pirates began to act on these barbaric lyrics. As Rainbow Dash danced along, Spike fell off of her back, and Twilight scrambled to catch him, before one of the dancing pirates stomped a hoof to the floor, turning an old plank into a lever and catapault and launching the sleeping foal into the sky.

“Grab your Cider, hold it high!
Hit your shipmate in the eye!
Yank their mane and punch their nose!
Watch your step, it’s Pony Joe’s!

Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh argh argh!”

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had joined a can-can line. Spike had landed on the chandelier made from a steering wheel, and was spinning around like he was on a top. Twilight called for Applejack, the only mare she could count on to remain sane in this situation, to help her save Spike. But Applejack had realized that the Flim Flam brothers were tending to the bar, and decided to engage in this excellent opportunity to beat them senseless according to the lyrics Octavia sung:

“Swing your shipmate, prominade!
Whack her with a rusty blade!
Spin around and Dosey Doe!
Watch your step it’s Pony Joes!”

The Flim Flam brothers were flung back into a pair of apple cider kegs, spilling the precious liquid into the waiting cups of the pirates, who somehow found a way to synchronize their dancing with their drinking. Spike fell off the chandelier, landing on the side of a table, which launched the various daggers, swords, knifes, forks, darts, and pointy things across the room. Twilight and Fluttershy almost had heart attacks as the pointy things missed them by inches, and buried themselves in a pair of pony shaped outlines in the dartboards behind them.

“Swing your shipmate, prominade!
Whack her with a rusty blade!
Spin around and Dosey Doe!
Watch your step it’s Pony Joes!

Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh argh argh!”

A grizzled looking pony who had four peg legs got up onto the table next to Octavia and began to tap dance as the crowd sang. If Twilight had to describe the scene, she would have called it: Bar fighting! The Musical!

Pirates do as Pirates please!
We’re terrors of the Equestrian Seas!
And when we’ve pillages all our foes!
There ain’t no place like Pony Joe-oe-oe-Oes!

Take a swig of applejack!
Pat your shipmate on the back!
Then trip them up onto their nose!
(Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie actually managed to trip each other up on this line.) Oh!
There ain’t no place like Poooonyyyy
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,/
JJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,/
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,/
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/
Argh Aaaaaaargh!/
OOOOOEEEESS!/

Spike woke up. “Man… what did I miss?”