Calando

The Hot Muffins1,329 stories ·564 members

Sweetie Belle tries to get over a very real nightmare.
Will she get her beauty sleep or stay awake all night spooning a flashlight under the covers?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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Luvbuttonmash

Luvbuttonmash #1 · Jan 8th, 2015 · · ·

Aww that's adorable. Loved the story btw.

tomboy athlete02

tomboy athlete02 #2 · Jan 8th, 2015 · · ·

Wow this story deserves a lot more likes than it should have I'm definitely going to post this in my dark club. Even though this is marked as slice of life (aka) SL, it should have been also marked as dark cut this story actually made the cut for sending chills on my body even though it didn't affect me too much sins I don't get scared at all. Great job though! Like I said, The only complaint I have is maybe adding the dark category to it cut that was pretty dam dark man! Loved it! Always will too!

GivingSpider

GivingSpider #3 · Jan 8th, 2015 · · ·

5478372
Didn't think it was enough to merit a Dark tag
Fixed

tomboy athlete02

tomboy athlete02 #4 · Jan 8th, 2015 · · ·

The story is perfect now thx!

goaway

goaway #5 · Jan 8th, 2015 · · ·

Excellent story.

Seventeenfold

Seventeenfold #6 · Jun 22nd, 2015 · · ·

Awesome story! Very vivid in the failure of the mind to discern a lucid dream from reality. You nailed the ambiance entirely.

Only critique I could really give is it could really benefit from reversing some of the redundant sentence formats. For example:

She opened her eyes and saw her lifeless sister lying on the floor. She saw frost slowly building up around her body. She saw Rarity’s cutie mark slowly slipping off her flank and vanishing into nothing. She turned and saw that Calando was now standing next to her. Sweetie also felt a new sensation. It didn’t feel like she was falling slowly. It now felt like she was being gently pulled down. She felt a surge of adrenaline and knocked Calando over, who looked up at her with a confused look and asked a question in her calm and eerily soothing voice.

She saw. She saw. She saw. She turned... it didn't feel. It now felt. She felt. It made the flow of the story somewhat choppy and harsh, almost like a low-FPS claymation. Didn't hurt the story but varying the sentence composition would really deepen the richness of the story.

You might also want to glance/research the literary perspectives behind 'show, don't tell'. Some of the examples described in it were found here. Only reason I noticed is because of recent research I've been doing myself... which means I'm guilty of it entirely, too.