A Clean Break

Marshal Twilight #1 · Jan 23rd, 2015 · 14 · 1 ·

Oooooh, what do we have here? An M/M fic written by a competent author (if Mirror Mirror is anything to go by)? Let's give it a read!

(This was written in 'real time' as I read the story)

Shining's reaction to Soarin at first seemed really... excessive. I get that he's frustrated and troubled, but normal people don't tackle and hold a sword overhead ready to murder someone. Contrariwise, Soarin was oddly chill about it. Despite being a little shaken he seemed rather... unmoved by it. That part was way too anvilicious I think. If you wanted to demonstrate how frustrated Shining was, I think his sparring session with the mannequin was plenty enough for that. But it's hard to be sympathetic with characters that, y'know, slash people with swords and act like they're going to kill them.

Also, minor thing. At one point you say it's been 'six months' and shortly after you say 'six years', seeming to refer to the same event. Are they different things or is that a mistake? If they are different events it should probably be reworded to make that clearer.

Lit his horn

Ugh. Another minor quibble, but this is a sentence I see quite often in various stories and it annoys me because it sounds weird. "Lit his horn" makes it sound like his horn is a lighter or something. I prefer things like "Fed magic into his horn" or "channeled magic into his horn" or "his horn glowed." Stuff like that. Lighting his horn sounds like he's setting it on fire.

Also, quick note on euphemisms... I'd avoid 'clinical' terms like "erection" unless the tone is matter-of-fact (which is whenever the topic of sex comes up but the mood isn't supposed to be erotic at that particular moment.) Could be personal preference, but I generally think it's better to go with solely 'erotic' terms once you get to that part of the story.

“What,” Shining said, as Soarin laid a row of kisses down his chest. “you didn’t like that trick?”

This sentence doesn't have to be broken up. The writing needs to be as smooth as possible, so breaking up dialogue like this should be done sparingly. For instance:

“What, you didn't like that trick?” Shining asked, watching as Soarin laid a row of kisses down his chest.

I think that reads a little more smoothly.

If you want to leave it like it is, though, then it should be "[...]down his chest, "you didn't like that trick?" since it's a continuation of the previous sentence.

“You’ve got nothing to prove,” Soarin replied, lowering his head and swiping his tongue across Shining’s tip, grinning at how the other stallion stiffened in response. “Besides, I want this load now.”

Niiiice. It's super hot when they want the other pony to cum for them/take their load.

fellating

Clinical term again. It's too technical, it sends the wrong message. You want something like "sucking him off with even more enthusiasm than before" instead. Make it seem a little... dirter. Clinical terms make the writing seem unexciting or like it's just going through the motions.

Now, the first orgasm scene... You've got the right idea for it, but it needed more detail. Lot of people like to pop when the characters do, so you should always make a point to make this hit as hard as possible, and the best way to do that is to put in as much detail as you can get away with. An orgasm scene should probably be 4-6 sentences and its own paragraph.

Shining beat him to the punch, diving underneath the Wonderbolt and sucking as much of his cock into his mouth as he could.

Nice. This is one area where a lot of people tend to slip. There is nothing hotter than the characters having such enthusiasm and desire for one another.

Friction spell

I think you mean frictionless spell. A friction spell sounds like... something else that would be rather painful in these circumstances.

Shining bent down and kissed him again. “I love you too,” he whispered as his cock exploded, filling Soarin’s rear passage with his seed.

The part where Shining is actually having his orgasm is literally just one sentence (two if you count Soarin's reaction to it in the next paragraph.) It really does need more detail than that. That really applies to the whole sex scene, but the orgasm scenes especially need a lot of detail.

Minor quibble, but I'd avoid words like 'exploded'. They're used a lot, I know, but I think that 'exploding' is the wrong mental image you want to create for the reader.

Now, on the other hand...

Soarin gave a long, shuddering sigh as Shining’s orgasm ran its course.

Yes! More of that! It is amazingly hot when the receiver enjoys feeling the giver's climax (that applies to both M/F and M/M.) Too often I run into clopfics where the receiver is just... indifferent to it. That's not nearly as appealing (or appealing at all, really.) Besides, there's nothing to lose in that regard. Lot of people love it, and it's not really going to scare anyone off, so why not? It just needed more detail.

Now then! Final thoughts on the story.

There was some real emotion here, and that was pleasant. Lot of clop is just sex with little emotion. It's just so much easier to do it that way, so I give you mad props for making the sex feel 'real'. It was a little anvilicious at times, but damn, the intent and effort is there and for the most part it worked.

Except for the couple of hiccups I pointed out, the word choice is great. I didn't run into many terms that spoiled the erotic mood, so that was nice. Far too often I run into clopfics that use some weird euphemisms that make it near-impossible for me to really get into it.

I also didn't really run into any spelling/grammar issues, except that one issue I pointed out earlier. Biiiiig plus as far as I'm concerned.

(Incidentally, the story is marked as incomplete, but it seems to have wrapped up pretty well. Did you intend to mark it complete?)

Now, I'd say that in general, this the 'right way' to do clop, but it just needs more detail. The big thing about clop, in my opinion, is that you need a truly obscene amount of detail to really make the stories stand out. Otherwise you're sort of just... going through the motions. Expand on exactly what the characters are feeling (physically and emotionally) and put that in every paragraph you can. Seriously, I'd be impressed if you actually managed to find a way to have too much detail in erotica. I have yet to run into a clopfic that had too much detail, but plenty that didn't have enough.

As far as detail goes, there's another small thing. I saw a lot of places where you could have included little actions/reactions that would've made this feel more 'real'. Like...

Shining gave a heavy sigh. “Me too. It’s been one hell of a day, hasn’t it?”

How about this instead?

Shining gave a heavy sigh, a content smile on his face as he reached over to rub Soarin's cheek with a hoof. "Me too. It's been one hell of a day, hasn't it?"

The fine details like that are what makes a story like this seem so real, and that's what makes them stand out. This is something that comes with practice though. Honestly, for this being only your second story (and first M/M) this is already pretty damn good.

Now, all things considered... Story isn't perfect, but what story is? It's still pretty good, and for Christ's sake, it's a competently written M/M fic! That's rarer than diamonds around here. This story deserves more attention than it's getting. I think I might try doing something about that.

Violet Sky

Violet Sky #2 · Jan 23rd, 2015 · 1 · 23 ·

Circumlocution

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