Warren Peace
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Another beautiful day in the land of Equestria was coming to an end. The sun, sinking towards the horizon, cast the clouds’ bellies with shades of pink and red as it foreshadowed the coming night. Across the green hills with their verdant flowers, the daytime animals would soon begin heading towards their respective homes, the nocturnal ones waking and stretching their limbs as their ‘day’ began. Among this assortment of animals, two creatures in particular stood out among the rest.
“Four hundred and fifty, four hundred and fifty-one, four hundred and...” Counted a light grey stallion unicorn with a darker grey mane and a snowflake on either side of his flank. At each number, he telekinetically grabbed a golden coin, a bit, with his grey-tinged magical field and moved it from one pile to the next, “...and sixty-two, four hundred and sixty-three, four hundred and sixty...” He continued on, blue eyes focused on the golden coins.
The second creature was of a far more worthy note. If the green scaled dragon were to stand straight up on his hind legs, he would stand six feet tall. However, as he walked with his neck and shoulders bent forwards, he appeared to be only about eight feet in height.
At the moment, the dragon’s eyes were closed and his face was devoid of emotion as he lay on his stomach, appearing to be asleep.
“Four hundred and ninety-eight, four hundred and ninety-nine, aaand five hundred,” the unicorn said, pulling out a parchment and a quill to record the number.
The dragon cracked open his right eye, the one that would give him a view of the unicorn, “Five hundred?” He asked, head bobbing as his lower jaw rested on the grassy ground.
“Five hundred,” The unicorn confirmed, writing a mark on the parchment, “A good day and a solid number, eh Scav?” Finished, he floated the quill and parchment back to their respective spots in a large mobile stall. The stall was folded up, denoting that it was closed for the day.
The dragon, Scav, nodded, “I like whole numbers, far easier to record a thousand than nine ninety-nine and it looks better to customers as well.”
“So long as you aren’t talking about price tags. So...same town tomorrow? Or have we reaped the riches from this fertile soil?” The unicorn said in an adventurous voice.
“Reaped the riches..? Snowy, speak normally please,” As Scav said this, a small color change appeared on his face, a few spots turning a lighter shade of green.
“Greymane,” Snowy muttered under his breath through clenched teeth. Then speaking up, “Same town?”
“What do you think? Have we ‘raped the fertile soils?’” A smile graced the dragon’s face and the green spots grew larger.
“Reaped, Scav. Look, just drop it, okay?” A pause, “And yes. I do think that we ought to do the same town, hopefully today’s tourists will tell everypony else about our stall and the bits will come raining down again.”
Scav changed the subject, satisfied with the unicorn's answer, “How much stock do we still have?” Scav moved his head to look directly at Snowy, who preferred to be called Greymane when he wasn't near others of his family.
Greymane telekinetically grabbed a small book and started flipping through the pages, placing a hoof on one when he found it, “Almost exactly two thousand bits worth, with the nine hundred bits that we currently have, we should be able to get more stock with ease once we sell the rest of our goods,” He looked up from the book, “So no rush.”
“Good, I like to be able to take it slow every now and then.”
“If it were up to you, Scav, you’d take it slow till Celestia herself turned old and died, and she’s a damned Demi-God.”
“Your point?” Scav asked.
Greymane shrugged.
“Right then,” Scav looked to the sky, the sun was now mostly underneath the horizon, the shadows it cast growing longer and longer, “You gonna stay up a bit with your books?”
Greymane nodded, “You mind?” He gestured with a hoof to a small fire pit that he had erected earlier.
Scav spat a spark at the wooden construction, causing it to burst into flame, “‘Night then,” Scav moved his head back to its original position and closed his eyes.
“Good night,” Greymane replied, grabbing a book from the mobile stall.
And with that, the sun plunged the world into a fit of darkness.
Elsewhere in Equestria...
The black dragon’s scales reflected the red and orange of the blaze that stood before him. More dragons swept through the air, spitting gouts of flame every now and then.
The smell of fire, as it burned through the small pony village, filled the dragon’s nostrils. The the roars of dragons, and faint screams of the ponies still alive filled his ears. A smile crossed his face as he took it all in, he kneaded the ground with his talons as he watched the magnificent blaze. Sparks shot into the air as a wooden building came crashing to the ground.
“Shadowfang!” Called a voice above him.
The black dragon looked up to see another of his kin, this one the color of fire, swoop down and land before him, shaking the ground mightily. The orange and red dragon was far larger than Shadowfang, who was similar in stature to Scav, but most dragons were larger than he was. What Shadowfang lacked in size, he made up for in combat, strategy, and his ability to lead others.
“Firetongue,” Shadowfang acknowledged with a quick nod. The large red dragon had a black sheen over his scales, soot from the fires that enveloped the village.
“We have rounded up a small group as are per your orders,” Firetongue bowed his head on its long neck.
“Lead the way then, our time here is coming to and end,” The two dragons leapt to the smoke-stained air and flew over the burning village. The black dragon’s smile returned as he gazed upon the burning wreckage, noting his kin’s excellent work.
The two soon came upon the village square. It was ringed by fire and a few dragons, all bearing teeth at a small group of ponies trapped in the center. As he neared the village square, another smell made itself present to Shadowfang: the smell of charred meat.
Shadowfang circled around and landed on a burning mass of wood that had recently been a house, his scales protected him from the intense heat as sparks alit the air around him. The ponies in the square turned to him as he landed, their faces showing pure terror.
What a sight I must be, Shadowfang thought to himself, laughing in his mind, something from a ponies worst nightmare I would presume!
On all fours he approached the group at a moderate pace, stopping before them as they began to back away. As he surveyed the fearful equines, a lone earth pony in iron armor moved to the front of the group. With a word, the soldier had the other ponies gather behind him. There was a spear clasped in his mouth and a look of determination on his face. This bold pony drew Shadowfang’s attention.
In parts, the soldier’s armor was worn and beaten, his caramel colored body covered in spots of blood and streaks of sweat. His right flank was slightly charred from a burn and his eyes held determination to defend the ponies behind him.
That one will do, Shadowfang told himself.
“I am Shadowfang!” He declared, “Lord of fire, and bane to my enemies! All before me shall tremble in fear and fall in wreaths of fire! Your whore-god Celestia will tremble when she hears my name for she will know that her time of rule is at an end!” At the last comment, the soldier spat a curse past the spear and charged at Shadowfang, yelling out in rage through the weapon in his mouth.
Shadowfang had expected this and allowed the pony to get within a yard of stabbing him before batting away the spear as if it were a twig and blasting the soldier with a snort of smoke.
The soldier paused disarmed and disoriented from the smoke, he coughed and Shadowfang pounced, knocking the soldier to the ground and pinning him on his back with his two front paws. The soldier struggled, but was unable to move.
Shadowfang brought his face to the pony’s, glaring with his dark purple eyes until the would-be hero looked away and stopped his struggle.
“Hold this one,” He called to the sky, releasing his prey and moving towards the defenseless group before him. Two large dragons, one blue and the other red, fell from the sky and pinned the soldier down before he could get up.
“I, Shadowfang the dragon, shall rule Equestria with all dragonkind! As is our right!” Shadowfang paused as the other dragons roared to the sky, daring anything to challenge the statement, “We shall make this land ours, purging all ponyfolk from it! You here are but our first reclamation of land! You shan't be our last!” Shadowfang turned and gestured to the two dragons behind him. One nodded and they turned their prisoner so he could face the black scaled dragon, “But how is poor old Celestia to know that her rule is at an end if dead ponies tell no tales, hmm?” Shadowfang pounced to the spot in front of the captured pony, who startled, “Therefore you, earth pony, are to report back to your bastard ruler and let her know that her race does not need to die in vain. I shall accept her surrender, and all ponyfolk who do not prove themselves to be...problematic,” he threw a slow glance at the larger group of ponies, who trembled under his gaze, “Shall be allowed to live to serve dragonkind as our underlings,” Shadowfang leaned closer to the soldier and began to speak in a slow deliberate voice, “But...until we hear of Celestia’s surrender, we shall travel from village to village of you filthy vermin and slowly hunt you to extinction until we stand before the accursed gates of Canterlot and roar our victory as we empty your princess’s veins of blood and burn the city to the ground!” Another roar from the dragons, “Am I clear?” Shadowfang asked after the roaring had subsided, drawing his face even nearer to the captive soldier’s.
“Am I clear?!” Shadowfang roared in the pony’s face after he did not respond. This time, the pony nodded his head, limbs quaking in fear. Satisfied, Shadowfang continued, “Good then. Every second longer you take will mean another second ticking away for your next village, so I suggest that you gallop to your whore of a princess with all due haste!” Shadowfang retreated from the soldier, turning to face the crowd of frightened ponies. Somewhere in the village, there was a splintering of wood as another building collapsed, firing sparks into the sky like fireworks.
“Wha...what of th...them?” The pony asked, jerking his head at the quivering group he had sought to defend. Shadowfang turned his head to the captive, then to the group of ponies, to the dragons surrounding the ring of fire, and finally back to the soldier.
“Kill them,” he said simply, directing his words to his fellow kin. The soldier pony’s face twisted into one of pure horror.
Shadowfang watched the soldier as the other dragons blasted the defenseless group of ponies with gouts of fire. Their screams of agony played a pleasant melody in the black dragon’s ears. He watched the soldier’s eyes grow wide and his jaw drop as those he sought to protect were turned to charred and unrecognizable skeletons. For the third time that night, Shadowfang smiled.
Note from author: How can I improve? What did you like and what did you not like about this FimFic? Just again a reminder that this is my first FimFic so it probably isn’t too good, but hell it can’t be too bad, can it?
Comments ( 1 )
Hmm. You are right, this isn't that bad. There are a few things that may need too be changed, such as the beginning, (Another beautiful day in the land of Equestria) as the beginning is when someone decides whether or not to read on, and the current start is a little cliche, even if that was the intent.
And even little things, like the capitalisation of the chapter titles, are important to someone's decision to read the fic or not. Your idea seems okay, as far as I can tell from the first chapter there is a lack dragon leading a small army of other dragons to take over Equestria. I assume that this is rare or abnormal. It does leave me wondering where the other two fit in with all this, which is good, making me want to read the next chapter. There are a few parts, mostly dealing with description, that seem a little awkward, though I am not the best to help you with those parts, I'm afraid.![]()
Other parts of the narrative flowed well, and I saw metaphor and personification, always nice.
One thing detracting from the overall reading experience is the layout, unfortunately. Whenever someone speaks, There must always be a new line. It is a rule, it makes things much more pleasant to read, and less confusing.
Looking at this comment, it may seem rather negative, but I quite liked the idea of this story, and will read the other chapters of it. You are still writing this, aren't you?![]()
One more thing, more of a personal issue, really. I noticed that one of the (main?) characters has the same name as your username. This hints at a self insert, which whilst not innherently bad, is certainly dangerous waters. If the name is just there because you like it, then cool!![]()







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