The Vinyl Scratch Tapes

by Corey_

The Vinyl Scratch Tapes Part 1

The Vinyl Scratch Tapes

First Transcript: The Celestia Interview

[In the year 1001 of the Celestian calendar, Equestrian scientists developed advanced magic making it possible to broadcast music over long distances. This innovation was called “radio,” and quickly became a sensation throughout Equestria.

For a period of time, only one frequency playing classical music was available. This changed when a popular young disk jockey with the stage name DJ-P0n3 (born Vinyl Scratch) formally proposed the creation of an independent radio station called K-COLT. It was approved, with DJ-P0n3 as the host.

In addition to playing rock-and-roll and other popular music, DJ-P0n3 also hosted the first Equestrian talk show known as “The Vinyl Scratch.” These broadcasts were recorded for historical significance.

What follows is a transcript of the first morning broadcast of the Vinyl Scratch].

DJ-P0n3: Goooooood morning, Equestria! The sun is up and so are you! You’re listening to K-COLT and it’s time for THE VINYL SCRATCH.

[Record is scratched repeatedly].

DJ-P0n3: Yes that’s right, the best show on the airwaves by virtue of being the only show on the airwaves. But even if it wasn’t, no other station would have me, the turntable temptress herself, DJ-P0n3! Droppin’ all the hits and rockin’ all of Equestria!

[Indistinct mumble is heard away from mic].

DJ-P0n3: Oh, don’t be such a killjoy. We’re here to have fun! [Cough.] Forgive me, listeners. Apparently when I pitched the idea for this station, the Princess thought it necessary to assign me a co-host. Allow me to introduce my lovely assistant, Octavia.

Octavia: Pleased to meet you all.

[Long pause.]

DJ-P0n3: What?

Octavia: “Lovely” assistant?

DJ-P0n3: It’s a compliment. Something wrong with that?

Octavia: Well, no, it’s just a little ... odd.

DJ-P0n3: Okay, so you don’t want me to call you lovely. I can deal with that.

Octavia: Wait, I didn’t--

DJ-P0n3: My homely, train-wreck of an co-host will be here to give you all perspective on jazz and classical music, while I comment on music ponies actually listen to.

Octavia: Lots of ponies love classical music!

DJ-P0n3: Yes, usually the same ponies who play shuffleboard and no longer have any of their original teeth left.

[Octavia mumbles angrily].

Octavia: Philistine. Let’s just get on with the show.

DJ-P0n3: Alright then! Today we’ve got a very special treat for all you foals and fillies out there! We have an interview with the boss pony herself! That’s right, we have the one, the only Princess Celestia here in the studio! Not bad for our first show, eh?!

[Sounds of objects hitting the floor]

Octavia: W-will you sit back down? You’re going to break something!

DJ-P0n3: Psh! Yeah right. This is all my equipment. It’s just like me: durable, made to last, and flexible! Not like your -- hmmm -- what instrument did you play again?

Octavia: The cello but--

DJ-P0n3: Right! It’s not flimsy like your stupid cello.

[Octavia sighs.]

Octavia: [Muttering.] It’s too late to quit, isn’t it?

DJ-P0n3: Yep. Anyway! It’s time to give the ponies what they want! Let’s bring Celestia on in here.

Octavia: Right after a word from our sponsors. Vinyl, why don’t you go ahead with the ad?

[Pause.]

Octavia: Go ahead Vinyl.

[Another pause.]

DJ-P0n3: We ... have sponsors?

Octavia: [Shouting.] Do you ever pay any attention to anything?! We had a meeting this morning about it!

DJ-P0n3: Oh. Right. That. [Silence.] Why don’t you do the honors this week, Octy?

Octavia: How can you possibly be my boss?! And don’t call me Octy!

[Octavia instantly switches to a sweet tone of voice, as if nothing had happened.]

Octavia: Today’s episode of the Vinyl Scratch is brought to Musky Mustang Hoof Polish, the only waterproof hoof polish on the market and 20% less expensive than the leading brand. Musky Mustang is a must-have!

DJ-P0n3: [Giggle.] Sell-out.

Octavia: What’d you say?

DJ-P0n3: We’ll be right back with that interview! Until then, here are some of the latest tunes.

[INTERMISSION]

[After approximately fifteen minutes of songs, the show abruptly resumes. For several minutes, DJ-P0n3 and Octavia seem unaware they are on the air.]

Octavia: [Whispering.] It’s just that you seemed to be egging me on.

DJ-P0n3: [Whispering.] Yeah but--

Octavia: Do you enjoy messing with me or something?

DJ-P0n3: Well, of course.

Octavia: What? Why? What’s wrong with you?

DJ-P0n3: Hey listen--

Octavia: I don’t believe yo--

DJ-P0n3: Listen. Listen to me. It’s what they want.

Octavia: What are you talking about?

DJ-P0n3: It’s what the audience wants. They want to be entertained.

Octavia: Making fun of me is supposed to be entertaining?

DJ-P0n3: Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I’m saying.

Octavia: Maybe the punk outfit you associate with would enjoy that, but civilized ponies like myself wouldn’t like such drivel. It is base and vulgar!

DJ-P0n3: Trust me, relax. Enjoy it. You just have to argue back.

Octavia: I can’t do that. I have a reputation to uphold.

DJ-P0n3: You were fighting with me fine a few minutes ago.

Octavia: That wasn’t fighting. That was called being the voice of reason. I imagine you’ve never heard that before.

DJ-P0n3: Whatever, just play along, okay? Now when we go back on, hit me with a really good one, see how it feels, and I’m sure you’ll start to like it. Know what I mean?

Octavia: ... you’re a sociopath. That’s all there is to it. I’m working for a crazy pony.

DJ-P0n3: You’re cute when you’re mad.

Octavia: And another thing! Stop with ... um ... does that red light mean we’re on?

DJ-P0n3: Wha? OH CRAP!

[Sounds of loud thumping against the mike, followed by the broadcast cutting out for half a minute.]

DJ-P0n3: And we’re back! Sorry about that, folks. We had some technical difficulties. Caused by, um, technical ... things. But we’re fine now! So we’re about to bring Princess Celestia into the studio now but first, I think Octavia had something to say.

[Silence]

Octavia: [Whispering.] Now?

DJ-P0n3: [Whisper] Yes, dummy.

Octavia: Um, yes. Well. Miss Vinyl, you are …

DJ-P0n3: Yeah?

Octavia: A ... horrible individual to know. Yes! And you should, um, learn some manners and act like a productive member of society! You... rascal.

[Long pause.]

Octavia: [Whisper.] Did, did I do it wrong?

DJ-P0n3: [Barely keeping herself from laughing] No, no. Not at all. [Clears throat.] And now, listeners, we won’t keep you waiting a moment longer! It’s time to bring out Princess Celestia!

[Sound of rickety door opening and shutting.]

Octavia: Your Majesty! It is an honor for you to grace us with your prescience.

Celestia: No, the pleasure is all mine. I am enjoying the show so far.

DJ-P0n3: Oh reeeeeeaaally? Hm, Octavia, what was that you were just saying?

Octavia: Vinyl...

DJ-P0n3: Something about anypony who likes this being base and vulg-

Octavia: Princess! Thank you for joining us. Why not start telling the listeners about yourself?

Celestia: Hm. Well, my sister and I created Equestria. So there’s that. I’ve been princess ever since then. I like to think I do a pretty good job. I sincerely want to make every citizen in Equestria happy.

DJ-P0n3: Still single?

Celestia: Pardon?

DJ-P0n3: Nevermind.

Octavia: Any hobbies?

Celestia: In my spare time, I enjoy teaching. I’ve actually been helping my sister a lot as of late.

Octavia: Aww, isn’t that nice?

DJ-P0n3: Ah. Since you brought it up, how is your sister doing?

Celestia: Great. She’s just been having some ... difficulties adjusting to modern life.

DJ-P0n3: And that would be because she was imprisoned on the moon?

Celestia: Yes.

DJ-P0n3: For a thousand years?

Celestia: That’s right.

DJ-P0n3: By you?

Celestia: [Pause.] Yes. I-it’s not something I was terribly proud of.

DJ-P0n3: I see. Well then, why don’t we talk about that a little, shall we?

Octavia: Um, Vinyl? What are you doing?

DJ-P0n3: Princess Celestia! Is it not true you and Luna were very close?

Celestia: Yes, and--

DJ-P0n3: From what I recall, Princess Luna simply wanted to be appreciate more? Isn’t it true that’s what started the troubles?

Octavia: Seriously, what are you doing?

[Princess Celestia starts to say something, but is cut off]

DJ-P0n3: Didn’t she want the night to be longer? Isn’t that all she’s guilty of? I’d say throwing her on the moon is a pretty steep punishment, wouldn’t you?

Octavia: I-- I just want to say I’m not with her. Can we just make that clear?

DJ-P0n3: Princess, do you really think that was the correct decision?

Celestia: That ... my sister was very proud of her nights. They were beautiful. On a clear one, you could see every star that ever was. She wanted everypony in Equestria to enjoy it. B- but she became jealous and refused to raise the sun. I tried to reason with her. I truly did. But she wouldn’t listen. Her jealousy and bitterness transformed her into Nightmare Moon. Everypony was so frightened, they didn’t know what was happening. I had to do something. I had no choice but to--

DJ-P0n3: But to space her.

Celestia: T-that’s a bit out of context.

DJ-P0n3: Fair enough. Please explain the context of hurling your little sister into the dark reaches of space.

Octavia: Please stop.

Celestia: I tried to avoid that. I attempted diplomacy first, but she would not listen. I … I had to do it.

DJ-P0n3: Okay, so you said you tried reasoning with her. That didn’t work. So your next logical plan was intergalactic exile?

Celestia: I--

DJ-P0n3: I mean, I’m sure there were other options. I don’t want to seem like a backseat deity, but I would probably, you know, try a few other things before jumping to “ENJOY SPACE, LITTLE SIS!”

Celestia: That’s not what happened at all! It tore my heart out to do that. I never wanted to do that to my dear sister!

Octavia: [Muttering.] This can’t be real. I’m dreaming. I’m dreaming and we’re not actually tearing apart the princess live, destroying my entire career. We’re not.

DJ-P0n3: Did you ever visit her on the moon?

Celestia: Well. [Pause.] No. No, I … suppose I didn’t.

DJ-P0n3: Not even once. For a thousand years? That doesn’t seem very kind to your “dear” sister?

Celestia: That … she’s fine now! We hold no ill will towards each other! She understands what I had to do.

DJ-P0n3: Fine? Oh I beg to differ. According to my sources, Princess Luna is afraid of microwaves and modern technology! That doesn’t seem so fine to me!

Octavia: I’d just like to announce I have no idea how this pony got into the studio. I am not affiliated with her in any way, she just started rambling and wouldn’t leave. Never seen her before in my life.

Celestia: She’s not afraid, she’s just ... curious.

DJ-P0n3: Yeah, I think it’d be do. Anything would be curious after being on the moon for a millennia. We have microwaves, turn-tables, rollerblades, razors, restaurants, and rock-and-roll. The moon has, like, craters. And that’s it.

Octavia: I- I’m sure the moon isn’t that bad. There must be other things there.

DJ-P0n3: Okay, craters and dust. So yeah, two things. Must be a boring thousand years.

Celestia: Well I ... I didn’t …

Octavia: [Obvious forced laughter.] HAHAHAHA, Vinyl. You are such a kidder. Hahahaha, excuse us Princess...

Octavia: [Whispering to DJ-P0n3.] Are you trying to get us killed?!

DJ-P0n3: [Whisper.] Don’t worry. I’m going somewhere with this.

Octavia: Yes, you are going somewhere. Prison.

DJ-P0n3: [Raising her voice.] So Princess, I have one last question. You say Luna is fine now?

Celestia: Certainly! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!

DJ-P0n3: And she apologized for returning earlier this year and attempting to bring eternal night to Equestria?

Celestia: Of course she did!

DJ-P0n3: Well then, my question to you is this: if Princess Luna was classy enough to say sorry for the trouble she caused, did you ever apologize for sending her to the moon?

[Silence.]

Celestia: ...no. No, I never did. [Pause.] W- would you excuse me? I … have something urgent to attend to.

[Rickety doors swing open, a flutter of wings is heard.]

Octavia: ...unbelievable.

DJ-P0n3: Told you.

Octavia: You can’t possibly have planned any of that. You couldn’t have known that’d happen.

DJ-P0n3: Haha.

Octavia: You know what? I was wrong. You’re not a sociopath. You’re just very, very stupid. And the depressing part is that I agreed to this of my own free will. [Thumps head on desk.] It’s contagious. I’m dumber just by being near you.

DJ-P0n3: All I know that this first show has been quite memorable.

Octavia: What if Celestia hadn’t been as nice as she was? Did you stop to think of that? What if she actually put you on the moon? What would you have done then?!

DJ-P0n3: Honestly? [Chuckle.] Then we’d be airing episode two in from space.

Octavia: How can you be this reckless?

DJ-P0n3: Because that’s what I’m here for, my lovely assistant!

Octavia: I told you not--

DJ-P0n3: [Yelling.] That is the spirit of radio! There’s no limits!

Octavia: Why are you standing up again?! Don’t get so--

DJ-P0n3: We’re here for truth, justice, and the power of rock and roll! It is our way! It is the only way! Even if we stop broadcasting, our signal will just travel across the universe forever! Stars fade away, comets burn out, black holes devour suns, but even out there in the black, ROCK will always live on! That means music will last longer than the heavens themselves! That is radio! That is K-COLT! And THAT. IS. THE VINYL SCRATCH!

Octavia: ...you’re insane.

DJ-P0n3: [Laugh.] Octy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Octavia: You’re seriously going to call me that all the time, aren’t you?

DJ-P0n3: Oh yeah. And that’s all the time we have for today! Tune in tomorrow!

Octavia: If we’re not cancelled …

DJ-P0n3: And until next time, remember: even if you’re spaced, the signal will always follow you!

[End of tape.]

[That was the end of the first historic broadcast of “the Vinyl Scratch,” but it was not the last. Despite Octavia’s fears, the show was not canceled and, in fact, became phenomenally popular.

Despite Vinyl Scratch’s dismissive attitude towards her own advertisements, it managed to attract more sponsors and never had any shortage of funding. To this day, Octavia is not clear if Vinyl Scratch had planned this or if it was simply a side effect of her own psychosis.

Princess Celestia chose not to end the show, even though it was within her full authority. She would later speak fondly of the interview, in spite of its inflammatory nature. She admitted that, after leaving the studio, she visited her sister and apologized. She would not go into further detail about the nature of their conversation, other than saying they spoke at great length.

It may also be of interest that the following night was the longest one in recorded history. It was crisp, clear, and showed off the wonders of the universe. Meteors showered across the sky and galaxies seemed to dance in the distance. Many ponies still speak fondly of that night, where the sun stood still just long enough for everypony to enjoy the beautiful starry sky.]

Comments

[thenightowlXLS]

This needs more views on FIMFiction. There's only been 14 comments.

[Scourge The DJ]

I listened to this while reading:

This is pretty good for first chapter.

[Ihavenoaccount]

It was okay.. I got pissed at Vinyl Scratch though :twilightsheepish well I am going to go read next chapter

[kaancak]

... wut. lol seriously i think i have to check it again to understand wtf did i just read xD

[silverMEGAlicorn]

WUT? This makes me feel like I'm listening to Willie Cunningham on 700 WLW with Bill Seg Dennison as co-host. There was one day where they had one huge blow up and were at each others throats, with Willie and Seggy finally leaving the studio taking the fight out to the hallway and down the corridors. The station was silent for the next 15 minutes before the next host, who was scheduled to come on after the three hour program, finally came in to try and explain things. Except, I don't think this kind of thing ever happened on the FIRST episode. Nevertheless, they went on a 1 month mission to try and find a new 'stooge', as it is called, for Cunningham to have. Soon thereafter, however, Seg and Willie seemingly patched things up and it's still those two.

[Swiftest]

Octavia: Your Majesty! It is an honor for you to grace us with your prescience.

presence

[Ayin Apholion]

I was almost certain "Goooooood morning Equestria!" were gonna be the opening words of this chapter. I'd have bet my hand on it. But then, It's the first spoken words, so I'm not totally wrong I guess.

Good old Robin, may he rest in peace.

[Misty Horse]

So reading this again!

[StarrySkies]

I absolutely adored the vocal version of this, and I was heartbroken when new episodes stopped coming out! It's long past time for me to read the rest of the story. Thank you for writing this, and I can't wait to read!

[Pinklestia]

This was a great start!

[Rainbow Prime]

DJ-P0n3: From what I recall, Princess Luna simply wanted to be appreciated more? Isn’t it true that’s what started the troubles?

Pay attention to the first bit of this song. You know, the bit where Kurt Angle says "Woah, before you get started, I have something to say" because, before Vinyl gets started here, I, Rainbow Prime, have something to say:
"And wasn't it true, Celestia, that YOU NEVER ONCE stayed up just a little past your bedtime to watch your beloved sister raise the Moon and make the Night Sky, even though she asked if you would like to do so time after time?"