Alone within the snow-laden forest, the mare lies as still as stone, cradling her only foal.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 8th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 18th, 2016
Avox
I like to pretend that I know what I'm doing.
Avox
Joined 8th Dec, 2013 ·
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Sounds like the same of an underground metalcore band.
Interesting, but I must ask, is the main character Luna, because since you use the words sisters, mare, and diarchs randomly it is hard to distinguish who is who.
5532884
That's my favorite running gag from Suicide For Hire; "THat'd make a great name for a metal band".
5533133 Lol, Suicide for Hire could make an excellent hardcore punk band's name.
Either way, this is an excellent piece of writing.
5532937 Yep, "the mare" is Luna. The point of all the different names was to have the reader think that the "sisters" and the "diarchs" were separate entities, and then to reveal that they're actually the same two characters at the very end. That, and I wanted to keep as many pony-related words out of this as possible because they ruined the voice of the narrator, at least in my own head while I was writing. Ponies just aren't meant for srs bsns, it seems.
5532884 More like a line from a poem, but close enough.
Tragedy lurks everywhere. I rather liked this one~
5542021 I'm glad you liked it!
Interesting. Something I missed on the first readthrough was the stillbirth. I have to wonder just who it was, though. Twilight, maybe? Celestia? Luna? Luna in the long ago? Before she became the nightmare?
It's not a bad entry... but the narrative only exposition and the somewhat jumbled middle kinda make it hard to tell what's going on. Or what had gone on. But... at the same time, it's still well written. Just not enough detail to really sink into it.
5546072 The foal wasn't anypony specific. It was a means to an end, really. Just a way to push Luna over the edge, forcing the nightmare come back and put an end to the world.
Anywho, there are plenty of things wrong with this. There was absolutely no reason for me to bury so deeply within the text the fact that the mare and her sister were the diarchs all along, or that the mare was Luna, or that her beloved was Starswirl, etc, etc. A lot of the descriptions were needlessly dense. The omniscient narration was way too telly. The last two things make the text boring to read, consequently making it really easy for readers to miss the stuff I mentioned earlier.
To be honest, once I finished writing and realized all these things, I was tempted to submit it to the contest in gdoc form. But then I realized I write super slowly and that I wouldn't be able to fix it in time, so I just decided to submit it to FIMFiction and be done with it. Heck, even post contest, I don't think I'm going to roll out any edits. The main reason I wrote this was to allow myself the chance to use those dense descriptions, and to that end, I don't consider this fic a failure, even though I do in many other ways. It's something I had fun writing, but I know people won't have a lot of fun reading. Really, it's another one of those stories I wish I had written outside of a contest, just so I could keep it in my documents forever without feeling... incomplete over the whole thing.
It was definitely a learning experience, at the very least.
While I agree that this was a bit needlessly vague at times, I quite enjoyed it. The story was interesting and was told in a style similar to a legend. Good luck with the contest, and have a fave.
5546234
I have to say, reading the story, I assumed it was Sombra, not Starswirl, as that would lend a much darker meaning to it, given Sombra's evil.
I wrote a review of this story; it can be found here.
Huh. That was a curious way to tell the story. Huh.
5533218
Lies and slander!
5584424 i128.photobucket.com/albums/p187/Avox44/Srs%20Bsns_zpsvlzuktwj.jpg
5584854
Yes.
I found the details of the story to be pretty clear, such as the made being Luna and her beloved being Starswirl (stupid hat, indeed).
That said, I found that the large amount of telling and exposition doesn't make the story much fun to read aside from some of its interesting concepts.
I think it'd be more fitting as a long poem than as prose.
Oh damn, that ending! :D
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Wowza