Fimfic Authors Are In Your Bed

by Admiral Biscuit

Ahuizotl Is In Your Bed, Mistaking It For An Ancient Artifact (Nyerguds)

Ahuizotl Is In Your Bed, Mistaking It For An Ancient Artifact
Nyerguds

Another Monday, another pony.

Or, at least, that's what you've come to expect by now. Dreading the inevitable insanity, you put your key into the lock, twist it, and enter your apartment.

You eye the door to your bedroom and sigh. Sure, you could delay it, but... what's the use? Eventually, you'll have to go in there anyway.

You consider locking the bedroom from the outside and sleeping on the couch, so that, just this once, you would not have to deal with another one of these insane creatures. There should be a key to that door somewhere. Probably in some drawer, lost under a bunch of cutlery. More likely, however, it's somewhere in the pile of dirty laundry inside the offending room.

You decide to give up and stop stalling, and open the door.

You look at the bed. You blink. You look around in the room, and see no one. You look at the bed, and blink again.

This is... your bed! Your old bed! Not Davenport's futon, not the ill-fated waterbed, not the second-hand one you bought after Rainbow's crash, not Twilight Sparkle's bed... this is the very same bed that Vinyl tried to set on fire, that Star Swirl (The Bearded!) banished to another dimension, and that, last you remembered, either got crushed by Rainbow Dash or by Twilight Sparkle's bed. Your memory's a bit fuzzy on that one. You distinctly remember both happening... somehow. And then there was a pony – or was that a man?– in a black suit holding up a pen and...

You violently shake your head to clear away the conflicting mess of memories, and move on to the important part; checking if the stuff under your bed is back as well! Just as you kneel down, though, you remember more. Ponies under the bed. Your heart sinks. Just when you dared to think that everything might've been back to normal, you realize that looking under the bed will just inevitably reveal the actual location where Tonight's Trespasser will be hiding.

Because of this, you are totally surprised when a bluish-purple monkey thing jumps out of your closet and pins you on the bed, growling.

"Daring Do! This time you will not keep me from my treasure! I have travelled time and space itself to..."

The blue creature blinks. Your right eye twitches.

"What in Kokapetl's name are you?" the blue thing asks, visibly surprised. You now see it is clearly not a monkey; last you checked, monkeys generally don’t have long wolf-like jaws filled with sharp canine teeth.

"Could ask you the same thing," you finally manage to say. "It's usually ponies trespassing on my property."

"Aha!" the blue jackal-monkey-thing says. "You are the Guardian of the Temple! But I have already thwarted your deadly and malodorous traps with my skill and intellect!"

You notice a pair of underpants hanging around the thing's neck. "Let me guess. You got stuck in my pile of dirty laundry."

The blue thing glares at you. "Ah, but it was worth it! For, see!" The thing's long tail, which somehow ends in a hand, dangles something in front of your eyes. "I retrieved the key you had cleverly hidden in there! Though I have yet to find what treasures it will unlock."

"Oh. Great. You found my bedroom key," you mumble, snatching the thing out of the tail-hand. "Congratulations, you passed the test and defeated the Great Guardian! Could you please get off now?"

"Oh. Um. Very well!” the creature said, moving back to give you some breathing space. “I am Ahuizotl, raider of tombs and collector of ancient magical artifacts! And now, I lay claim to this one!" He points at your bed.

You try your hardest not to facepalm, and fail. "Really?" you ask as you lower your hand. "This bed was banished to an eldritch dimension by Star Swirl the Bearded. Heck, as far as I know, it was destroyed. Twice. And turned into crystal. And yet it turned back up here today, right as rain! Now, what do you think that means?"

Ahuizotl crouches down and looks at the bed, frowning. "A puzzle!" He looks up at you. "It... has to be replaced by a bed of equal weight?"

You blink. "Huh. You might be on to something." You glance at the bed. "Tell you what. If you manage to bring me a bed of the same weight... nah, scratch that. The same size... and, um, degree of comfort, you can have it."

Ahuizotl grins. "Hah! Wonderful! What can you tell me about this artifact? Is it... potent?"

You shrug, walk over to your desk chair and plop down on it. "I'm fairly sure Star Swirl said it was a world-ending, um, universe anchor, or something." You think about that for a bit. Maybe it were the Lyras who said that. Or Twilight? Well, whatever the case, if this Azhowee-dude got it back to the pony universe before it went off, then maybe that'd finally solve your problems. You try to feel at least a little bad about maybe destroying the pony universe, but honestly, you fail spectacularly.

"Just what I need!" Ahuizotl exclaims enthusiastically. Then his eyes narrow. "Wait. You are merely 'fairly sure'? Are you not the artifact's Guardian?"

You decide to play along. "Hey, it's one of these... um, genie-like things, you know?” You honestly don’t know if you’re talking out of your ass, or if this is actually spot on. “I never asked for this. Got saddled with it, can't get rid of it. So if you can get it off my hands, be my guest." You throw him a sharp look. "But! You have to get me a new bed first! One that fits in the same space!" In all honesty, you're just stressing that because you can't afford a bigger apartment, and the bedroom is kinda cramped as it is.

"Does that mean you have to come... with the bed? Like the genies?"

"Hell no!" you say, really hoping it is true. You vaguely remember some of these ponies claiming that the curse was not on the bed but on you, but at this moment, you're just hoping those claims were wrong. "Now get on with it! Complete the Quest! Get this thing out of my sigh—"

"You won’t get away with this!" a new voice suddenly yells. A brown copy of Rainbow Dash wearing a pith helmet shoots out from under your bed and tackles the blue dude.

"Daring Do!" Ahuizotl yells as he jumps back to evade her.

You roll your eyes. "Of course she was under the bed," you mumble to yourself. As the two start fighting, you slowly get up from your chair and inch towards the door. You briefly wonder if you should get the fire extinguisher again. It did wonders on Sombra, but in all honesty, the powder gave you quite a mess to clean up afterwards.

Just as you find the doorknob behind your back and start twisting it, Ahuizotl tackles Daring Do, and the pair is thrown onto the bed. "Hey!" you yell at them. "Careful with the be—"

A bright blue flash blinds you. As you recover from the coloured spots in your vision, you find that the two are nowhere to be found.

"Dammit," you mumble to yourself. "I was this close to getting rid of it!"

Comments

[Nyerguds]

Wooo! It's here

I hope I did okay

Credit to ScrambledCrackers for the premise, by the way

[poisonflame616]

reference a LOT of past chapters plus Mares in Black/Men in Black and Indiana Jones

best chapter yet so far

[Nyerguds]

5523393
I honestly couldn't resist the "bed of equal weight" gag

The Men In Black thing refers to the Button Mash chapter, by the way. I'm totally using that to justify his scrambled memory

[Daedalus Aegle]

Star Swirl approves of this chapter

[MythrilMoth]

That was hilarious

[Georg]

Ay, and the curse may only be broken by one who can play this nose flute, while writing a sonet, and singing the jingle for Cheerilee-Os, the educational breakfast cereal...

[pahnazd]

Oh Ahuizotl, how he tries to be dignified. He probably was so confused that he believed his own ramblings

[funbrand]

H-E-larious!!!!

[Dinkledash]

5523404 I've always preferred grimbright myself

[Dinkledash]

The Bed of Infinite Planes! And it's stuck on Equestria.

[Nyerguds]

5524219
Small note: you need to go into the actual chapter page before replying to someone's comment, or they won't get notification of your reply
(not to mention, it messes up the structure if replies are in different chapters)

I only saw your reply because I was refreshing to see if there were any more comment to this chapter, (since, y'know, I wrote it )

[The Space Butterfly]

This is definitely a good chapter here.

[kooarbiter]

5523298 '

i know, right?

I'm sorry to disapoint you, but for what it's worth I thought your chapter was hilarious

[kooarbiter]

hehehehe

this chapter gave me the runs the chuckles

[glory]

This was awesome good work.

[Lancerlot]

Needs more cowbell mad, cackling evil laughter.
Sorry... You wanted a critique, but I liked the story too much... That's the best I can do right now.