A Brief History of Equestria

by K9Thefirst1

Secretary of the Interior Smart Cookie

Secretary of the Interior Smart Cookie

“It does not matter if you have wings or horn or just four legs: We are all ponies, and that is all that is truly worth counting.”

Born in 45 BW as the first born to Sweet Roll and Puff Pastry, Smart Cookie from an early age showed an interest in public service, ultimately serving as lawyer, statesmare, diplomat and political theorist, along with as the last Secretary of the Interior under Chancellor Puddinghead, and as the first Premier of the Equestrian Republic.

The reasoning behind her quest for service stemmed from a sense of pride and familial obligation to the citizens of the Hyracotherium Republic due to, in her family’s tradition, being descended from one of the original founders of the Republic. As such, she studied law from books in her mother’s library almost as soon as she could read, and was sent to what was then the Orohippus College (now Herdvard University), where she served with distinction on the Debate Team and served a term as the Student Body President. It was during her years at school that she first met Star-Swirl the Bearded during one of his many visits among the other tribes. For one reason or another, the old unicorn found an interest in Smart Cookie, often being found spending many hours at the local school tavern debating the nature of ponykind, and the pros and cons of the three tribes mixing and becoming a united entity. It is unknown what her true leanings on the subject were (or those of her family) before meeting Star-Swirl, but by the time she earned her A.M., Smart Cookie was fully convinced that the three tribes were only hurting themselves by being separate.

In 17 BW, Smart Cookie celebrated two major accomplishments in her life. First she married Able Smith, a long-time friend from foalhood, and she was admitted to the bar, serving as a highly respected attorney on both sides of the aisle, and well-known for being respectful to clients and her opponents. However, her strong, vocal and repeated stance and debate with her colleagues on how all ponies were equal turned many away on a personal level. In a letter (one of many) to her husband Able Smith, Smart Cookie famously described herself as “obnoxious and disliked by the more solid of my fellows on the matter of unification.” However, historians have noted how Smart Cookie had a history of self-depreciation now and again, thus it is widely assumed that this was hardly the case, or at least not as extreme as she assumed.

In the wake of the Lake Trot Crisis and Puddinghead’s rise to power, there was more and more concern about where the Republic was heading, especially with a chancellor that seemed to behave more and more like an autocratic king. Among the concerned was Smart Cookie, who helped draft an amendment to the Republic’s constitution that would allow the Senate to more forcefully enforce the limit of the number of terms a chancellor could serve. To ensure that the amendment would not cause a worse crisis in the future, she studied the history of the Republic extensively, observing precedents and the legality of them and how Puddinghead’s actions compared. In the winter of 12 BW the amendment was presented to the Senate. Sadly, it died at the voting table, being unable to generate the 70% of the vote to be ratified. This being due to, with Puddinghead’s unparalleled popularity with the youth of the tribe, many of the senators feared for their political careers to introduce such a limiting piece of legislation, and many more feared that the amendment would set a precedent for a similar amendment that would limit the number of terms a senator could serve.

When the news, and the reasons for it, reached Smart Cookie, she is said to have been livid. As she told her husband in a letter, “I have reached the conclusion that One useless mare is called a disgrace. That Two are called a Law Firm, and Three or More, are a Senate. And Able? I have had it with this Senate!”

However, Smart Cookie’s political troubles with Puddinghead were far from over. On seeing her skill with the law of the land, her sensible attitude and her stubbornness against what she saw as wrong, it was quickly decided in the Senate to appoint Smart Cookie as the Secretary of the Interior. With this position, it would be now Secretary Smart Cookie’s job to interpret, dictate, and carry out the Chancellor’s decries and policy. It was the expectation of the Senate that Smart Cookie would be able to act as a buffer between Puddinghead’s madness and the Republic.

A chambermaid was in the room as the Senate nominated and voted on the position for Secretary.

“Then came the time to nominate the Secretary, with the only nominee being Madam Smart Cookie given. Normally a good two or three others would be named, but the Majority Leader never asked for others. It was quite strange really.

“When her name was given, Miss Cookie vehemently objected, which was over-ruled. However, Miss Cookie continued to object and list many reasons why even as each individual senator gave her vote of ‘Yea.’ Half way through she resorted to pleas and swearing at each senator that voted. I had no idea that a simple lawyer could have such a filthy mouth. It’s a pity she’s married, my brother would want to meet her I’m certain of it.

“Finally, the vote was tallied, with the decision being unanimous that Smart Cookie was to be Secretary of the Interior. Upon seeing the results, Secretary Cookie looked much like my father does when he learns that Mother’s Mother is coming to visit: Unnaturally pale, wide-eyed and sweating raindrops. As the Senate began to applaud Secretary Cookie bolted for the doors. She managed to make two or so steps outside the building before the other senators managed to grab her and drag her back inside to swear her in. All the while Secretary fought back, clinging to furniture, railings and doorframes, screaming ‘No! No! Don’t make me work with that nutjob! Please! Have a heart!’

“I dare say I believe that she was crying like a little foal as the Minister of Justice read her the oath.”

Much as Smart Cookie clearly did not want to work with Puddinghead, she still had a job to do. At first the two mares clashed like water in a grease fire; the most famous incident being Smart Cookie trying to convince Puddinghead that her much beloved parrot Pluminary, her repeatedly appointed Speaker of the House, was dead. This incident, and numerous others, became a source of comedy throughout the centuries from the Macky Palms comedy troupe to the Cook and Puddy puppet shows.

However, in spite of the misery that Smart Cookie had to put up with in the service of Puddinghead, Smart Cookie was able to learn on how to curb Puddinghead’s more extreme moments by saying the right phrases, all while playing at being the dim-witted yes mare to the Chancellor. While at first pleased at having found a way to control Puddinghead, Smart Cookie soon grew guilty at the blatant manipulation she often worked on the pony, especially when it became clear that she saw the younger mare as a friend and confidant, as a letter to her husband details.

‘There are days that I feel sick with myself Able. I strongly suspect that elements of Puddinghead’s foalhood made her the way she is, what with the stories she sometimes tells me late at night while working. Granted I am far from ruling out her being totally nuts and the stories she sometimes tells me are nothing more than fabricated trash generated from a sick mind, what with how sometimes a story is never the same twice, but even as I trick her into a more constructive way of thinking, even if it is for everyponies’ own good, I cannot help but feel like I am bucking the puppy we got the little ones.’

As Secretary of the Interior, Smart Cookie’s duties were restricted to solely the internal affairs of the Republic, so when the summit that would become the Shouting Congress was held, Smart Cookie was unable to go, not even to act in Puddinghead’s stead. Historians have debated for centuries how much, or how little, good Smart Cookie would have done had she served as a representative of the Hyracotherium Republic, considering how King Aurum had been reduced to a glorified mouthpiece for the narrow-minded and self-centered court or face civil war, and Commander Hurricane was an opinionated and stubborn blowhard.

In either case the failure to cooperate meant that the River Valley was a lost cause, and thus the Republic would need to move if it and the Earth Ponies were to survive. With the discovery of the new and fertile land of what would be Equestria, pioneers were needed to settle the land to prepare for the transfer of the government. As Smart Cookie would be unable to leave the capital, and the weather meant that the family farm was practically failed already, she sent Able and their children on ahead with friends to start up a new home under the Homestead Act as Cookie and Puddinghead over saw the dismantling of the government in preparation for the transfer.

With the Great Warming and the unification of the Tribes into Equestria, there was the issue of securing the fledgling nation’s existence against invasion, for no longer were the old securities of a small valley with high mountains available to the ponies, and with the warming of the climate the snow would soon vanish, making the new Equestria vulnerable to the many roving Diamond Dog bands and the various War Lords that splintered off from the declining Griffin Empire. When assured by Hurricane that the Pegasi would be more than sufficient to rebuff any invasion, Cookie is said to have replied “I thank you for your offer sir, but I would sleep better if that was not a requirement for you.”

Within a week of the Warming, Smart Cookie led a small detachment consisting of members from each Tribe to the Griffin States that bordered Equestria to secure favorable treaties. In particular being the Gryff Republic, the only other noteworthy republic in the world in the day, and the most powerful state in the Border Regions. With the aid of the griffin Foreign Minister of the Southern Territories Johann van der Goostoppen, Smart Cookie and her entourage was able to secure a favorable non-aggression and security treaty with the republic and the new Equestria, along with the recognition of the new pony state as an independent government, along with a loan of five million silver Clutchers to support the construction of the future Equestrian Republic’s seat of government. The house Smart Cookie bought in the area became Equestria’s first embassy owned on foreign soil anywhere in the world.

During the Government Accords, where the form of government of the pony’s nation was decided, Smart Cookie and Clover the Clever, along with Princess Platinum, Private Pansy and Commander Hurricane, worked together to secure a democratic government, Puddinghead by this time having already died. However, it is assumed by scholars and historians that even had she lived, Puddinghead would most likely have been too busy organizing her many parties. With Cookie’s knowledge of Law and the tyrannies of Puddinghead’s chancellorship fresh in her mind, Smart Cookie was instrumental in the precise wording into how the elections were to be run, and in determining the eligibility of a candidate to run for office. While many of her friends and colleagues either teased Cookie or dismissed her attention to detail, it should be noted that not once in the thousand years the Republic stood was a pony unfit for governing ever so much as allowed to run, let alone elected, all thanks to Smart Cookie’s highly clear and precise wording of the constitution.

Given her newfound popularity after the Warming, and her celebrated work with the Government Accords, Smart Cookie was elected in 5 AW as the First Premier of the Equestrian Republic, and was re-elected every time for her legally allowed four single-year terms in office. Smart Cookie’s tenure in office was largely uneventful, as the completion of settlements, the transport of Celestine over from the River Valley to Central Equestria, and the integration of the governments of the three Tribal Remnants took her full time, and with a buffer zone between the Republic and all hostile foes secured by the Gryff Republic meant that foreign concerns were minor.

After the completion of Smart Cookie’s fourth and final term in office in 9 AW, Smart Cookie retired to a private life on her farm with Able Smith and their younger children and grandchildren. However, it is said that Smart Cookie’s door was always open to her successors looking for advice on what troubled them, regardless of the time and how busy she was.

In 45 AW, at the age of 90, Smart Cookie’s health began to degrade rapidly, finally giving out on the anniversary of the Founding of the Republic, her last words being ‘Clover and Hurricane still live.’

With Smart Cookie and her stubbornness and humility, the Equestrian Republic was able to flourish for centuries as a paragon of the ideals of Friendship and Pony Unity, ideals that ring ever truer even now, in spite of everything that has happened.

Comments

[K9Thefirst1]

And here we have Smart Cookie. Finally. To those of you familiar with American History, it is quite clear that she is an Expy of John Adams, more specifically Adams as portrayed by Mr. Feeny William Daniels in 1776, who is slightly more hot-blooded than the original. In related news, I’d like to see someone rework the lyrics to Piddle Twiddle and Resolve to better fit the situation.

Unlike Adams’ final words about Jefferson (having died hours earlier), Cookie is spot on.

And while Abigail Smith Adams was content to maintain the farm and care for the children, Able Smith also was a competent Black Smith. Why bother the wife about getting a new plow when you can fix it/make a new one yourself?

Sadly, I’m not sure how well the idea that all of the six founders becoming friends works for Puddinghead-Smart Cookie. Oh well.

Smart Cookie uses CRY LIKE A LITTLE BITCH. It’s not very effective.

And Cook and Puddy is a send off to Punch and Judy, a traditional puppet show from England about Punch (who is usually a total psychopath) and his wife Judy (who often gets killed by Punch). It’s a Black Comedy for kids. As murder would be considered to black for comedy, the Cook and Puddy shows focus on the Straight Mare Cook putting up with Puddy’s antics.

In other news: WOO! Recommendation Wall! Also: Tropes my dear readers. It's in need of some Wiki Love though.

[Highwayhoss]

Being a reader of history, I really love this fic! Faved!

I especially enjoyed reading Puddinghead's bio..great Celestia, a pony that makes Pinkie look normal.... can you imagine Puddinghead and Pinkie Pie coming together?

[K9Thefirst1]

1016797

*snort* I suspect that it would go a little like Robin Williams' thoughts on Drugs, Jack Nicholson and Keith Richards. With Pinkie as Keith.

"I gotta go home now Puddinghead, any more and I think I'll hurl..."

"WUSSY!"

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Another great chapter. Cookie, Cookie... *Shakes head* Can't be that- *Sees Puddinghead* Let me get you a crowbar.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Odd how Smart Cookie is the John Adams of the group and yet she ended up being played by Applejack who had almost nothing in common with her.

Next up is the honorable mention that is Star Swirl the Bearded who is obviosuly the Leonardo Da Vicni of early Equestria and we know now that he knew only Clover the Clever but also Smart Cookie and Princess Platinum but what else about him do we not already know?

[Charles Rocketboy]

This fic is back! Hurrah!

Goosteppen... ohhhh DEAR.

[DustinLiang]

The scene where Cookie is appointed Secretary is even more hilarious if you imagine Applejack in her place.

[Relevant Heavy Metal]

Since you asked me so nicely on my page, he is my two cents on your story in a metal context.

Idiot's Rule - Jane's Addiction

Manifesto - Opiate For The Masses

Light In The Black - Sabaton

I'd say the last comes closest, but metal tends to say "fuck you" to government more than "I'm okay with how things are going."

[Feurisson]

782646 The idea of this story is really great, I've been looking for something like this for a long time. But I would like to know, did you include the Ottomare Empire or did you decide against it? Because I would very much like to see Germany included here. If you don't like the sound of "Empire" you could use "Germaney" or "Germaneigh" instead. I could also come up with a backstory if you want.

[onlyanorthernsong]

n a letter (one of many) to her husband Able Smith, Smart Cookie famously described herself as “obnoxious and disliked by the more solid of my fellows on the matter of unification.”

I literally lol'ed when read this, and i realized smart cookie was John Adams.

[onlyanorthernsong]

and by " realized" i mean i literally started singing the opening number from 1776

[FreedomFiend]

"Goosteppen?"
I sympathize with the Daemons of Chaos and encourage omnicide, rebellion, disease, and over-indulgence, and yet I still think this fellow is bad news.

[Afalstein]

Smart Cookie is very fully realized, and appropriately far from her Applejack actor to come across as a distinct historical character. She makes sense, given the nature of Chancellor Puddinghead... though her reaction on being made secretary is equal parts hilarious and frightening.

John Adams was a GREAT american founder. Pompous, at times, but wonderfully fair-minded and great with writing up laws. The recent mini-series with him was really awesome.

[ShadowLDrago]

Poor Cookie.

[ShadowLDrago]

Poor Cookie.

[Carnation83]

Smart Cookie is John Adams. I LOVE IT!!