Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of?

by Bucking Nonsense

But I Swear To You, I'm Not Lying!

I may as well have asked Skyflower how to clap my hands.

Magic, for those of you who don't know, has two modes of attainment. The first is the Instructive, the other is the Instinctive. Instructive magic requires that one study for years and years to master a large number of spells. This means that one has a great number of spells available, but it means that you have to spend a great deal of time learning and memorizing spells. Unless you have some sort of eidetic memory or something, it's unlikely you'll be able to remember all of the spells you've ever learned after studying them. Worse, being a wizard becomes a young person's game, since a failing memory caused by going senile can strip a wizard of his powers very easily.

The second method, the Instinctive, is the method that ninety-nine percent of current magic users prescribe to, including most unicorns. See, when a unicorn earns his or her mark, it is because they used their magic for the first time. Often, they'll use their magic for something that relates to their overall special talent. Thing is, they'll learn to instinctively cast a small number of spells, but, and this is key, they'll remember those spells easily for their entire lives. Even if their memory starts to go, an Instinctive magic user will still retain the ability to cast spells, becuase they know their small number of spells better than they know their ABC's. All magic users, even the ones who become Instructive, start out as Instinctives, and still retain that quality at their core.

Bruce Lee once said that he didn't fear the man who had practiced a thousand kicks once, but rather the man who practiced one kick a thousand times. An Insructive mage may have a broad general knowledge of how to cast a wide number of spells, but an Instinctive mage typically has perfect mastery over the few spells that they know by the time that they reach adulthood.

Skyflower, unlike her uncle, was a purely Instinctive magic user, so my admitting that I didn't know how to use magic caught her completely flat-footed. Well, flat-hooved... no, wait, hooves are already kinda flat on the bottom, so... dammit, nevermind. Simply put, she wasn't prepared for my question. I may as well have asked another human how to wiggle my toes.

Clearly confused, she asked, "Well, how do you use magic back where you're from?"

"We don't," I admitted, somewhat flatly. "Back where I'm from, magic is the stuff of myth and legend. We've had to make do without it."

There's a saying back home: Does Not Compute. It's a computer's way of saying 'That shit you just said contradicts everything I know to be true, and it just made my brain implode'. I never imagined that I could see a facial expression that could convey, so perfectly, that simple three word statement. And yet, on Skyflower's face, I saw that I had just blown her mind so thoroughly that I half-expected smoke to start coming out of her ears...

The lower eyelid twitching, she said, or tried to say, "But... what is this... I don't even..." Seeming to catch herself, she said, "But that's impossible. Magic is everywhere, in everything! It's in rocks, trees, and in the desert sands! Saying that there's no magic would be like saying that there's no air!"

"It's a different world," I stated, simply, "My home world has a different set of rules than this one." I pointed over to the pond nearby, which was shining silver in the moonlight. "Think of it like this: To the fish in that pond, everything is water. Even if they were able to think, would they be able to understand a world where 'everything' is air? Where, instead of swimming freely anywhere they pleased, they were bound to the ground with limbs incapable of movement? Where their lungs aren't even built to catch the air so that they can breathe? You might not be able to understand how a world without magic might work, but that doesn't change the fact that it does, just the same as the fish can live without breathing air, or you can live without breathing water."

After a moment, Skyflower nodded, then said, "Alright, I guess that makes sense. It must be a strange place, though."

"The pot calling the kettle black," I said, a half-smile on my face. "I can promise you, your world is just as strange to me as mine would be to you."

Skyflower gave me a look then, and after a moment, she said, "If it is, you've been taking things remarkably well..." The way she said it reminded me of the fact that she, like myself, was an individual stranded in a place not her own. Admittedly, I was a stranger in a strange land, rather than a pony out of time, but still, of all the individuals in the world, I was probably the closest thing that she had to a kindred spirit...

Let's take a moment to reflect on how sad that is, that the only person she had that she could make a genuine connection with is a giant centaur currently inhabited by the soul of a structural engineer. Go ahead, really reflect on it. I'll wait patiently right here. I'm cool like that. All done? Good. Let's continue.

Taking a deep breath, I admitted, "I doubt that all of it has truly sunk in yet. I mean, at first, I thought I was having some kind of weird dream. Maybe I'd survived the traffic accident, and was just in a coma in a hospital. Up until I woke up with a hangover, I hadn't believed any of this was really happening. Now, though, I guess it's just taking its time to soak in. There's a lot of things that I'll never be able to see or do now." Giving her a look of my own, I added, "I imagine that it took a while for you to come to terms as well?"

After a moment's pause, she admitted, "It took me about a moon to fully come to grips with what had happened. It probably took me that long because I was bedridden most of the time after I was found. It wasn't until after I was taken to Canterlot to meet with the princesses that I'd gotten my first real understanding of just what had happened. I..." She sniffled, and tears began to well up in her eyes...

If there is one thing that I can't bear, it's seeing a girl cry.

"...I'll never get to see any of my friends again," she whispered, weakly. "They're gone. Their children are gone, and so are their children's children. I've been away so long that even their tombstones are long gone by now. My family estate, or at least what was left of it, was confiscated by the kingdom after Sombra's defeat a thousand years ago, and the land was used to found a town called 'Ponyville'. No one remembers me or my father..." At this point, tears were flowing freely down her face.

As she began to degrade into incoherent, tear-filled babbling, I swept her up into a gentle hug. She tensed, briefly, and then she began to hug me back, her tears flowing like waterfalls... and I'm secure enough in my masculinity to admit that some manly tears were shed in sympathy as well.

That moment, I swore, whatever I had promised to do to King Sombra before, it would be nothing compared to what I would do to him now. I would make Marv from Sin City look like the fucking angel of mercy when I was done. Forget medieval, and forget bronze age. I would go Planck Epoch on Sombra's ass.

I stored that anger away, for the time when I might use it. For the time being, I just focused on comforting Skyflower. One should always have their priorities straight, and this I promise you, a girl in tears will always be my number one priority.
-------------------------------------------------

Flint was in a bit of a pickle.

The princesses had asked him to do one thing: Keep Skyflower out of trouble. When he'd read the report about her past, he'd thought that would have meant just getting her up to date on current events. He had not realized that his alleged superior officer would turn out to be like most young lieutenants: Suicidally eager for glory and a promotion. Flint snorted in frustration. Well, it was the same everywhere, and everywhen, right? A lieutenant's job was to invent increasingly impressive ways of getting their command killed, while it was the sergeant's job to make sure that no one died, except maybe the lieutenant if he or she proved to be too obnoxious. The lieutenant has his head in the clouds, the sergeant has his feet on the ground. That was the army in a nutshell.

But because Skyflower had gotten herself captured, Flint had expected to be able to say goodbye to his career. However, it seemed that, because of whatever had happened at the changeling hive last night (The sounds of celebration had been so loud, the Equestrian forces could hear them from here), the princesses had decided that, since it all turned out for the best and this had all happened specifically because Skyflower had ignored his advice, there would be no repercussions for what happened.

But that didn't mean that they were happy with him.

He'd have to find a way back into their good graces soon. While he had no plans regarding rising above a sergeant, there were worse things than being denied a promotion. There was the possibility of being reassigned, for example. He could end up being transferred to the border outpost out in the badlands. Or one of the bases in the Crystal Mountains. Or maybe the outpost outside of the ruins of Tambelon...

Flint shuddered. Being assigned to guard Tartarus itself would be preferable to the ruins of Tambelon. The stories that you heard from the guards who came back from there were fit to dye a grown stallion's mane and tail white.

Sadly, the sergeant was so wrapped up in his dilemma that he failed to notice the black shadow creeping into his tent until it was much, much too late...
----------------------------------------

Skyflower finally finished crying, and promptly fell asleep, snoring gently. It was an oddly comforting sound, really. Restful. At peace. As gently as I could, I carried her down to the 'royal' bedroom, and tucked her in. I, myself? I was too restless to sleep. I'd not gotten an answer regarding how to use magic, so I decided that it was time to do a little bit of experimentation.

Back up on the roof, I made a checklist of things to try, and began working my way through the various options.

I tried shouting the following: Bibbity bobbity boo, abra cadabra, hocus pocus, alakazam, klaatu barada nikto, open sesame, presto chango, sim sim sala bim, wala wala washington, azarath metrion zinthos, and mecca lecca hi mecca hiney ho. Nothing.

I tried several lines of Klingon. Yes, I know Klingon, at least enough to get by at scifi conventions. Yes, yes, I'm a fucking nerd. Get over it. Anyways, it didn't work.

I made a series of hand gestures, up to and including throwing the goat, and making the rocker, the spocker, and various others others. No go.

I shouted "Hastur Hastur Hastur" as loud as I could. Suddenly, the skies rained blood, and a hole opened in the sky. A yellowish figure descended from the abyss beyond time, at once a humanoid figure in a yellow robe and a tentacled mass that hurt even to look at. It landed in front of me, and said, in a voice like a thousand screaming souls, "'Sup." Clearing my throat, I said, "Sorry, wrong number." The figure shrugged, then said, "It happens. No big." He/It then jumped back up into the sky. The hole vanished, as did the rain of blood, as if it had never been. I made a note to never, ever, forever do that again.

I pretended to be holding a sword, held my arms up high, and shouted, "By the power of Grayskull!" That worked exactly as well as you would have thought it would. Same with "Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats! Ho!" "Shazam" too. I considered doing the "Ancient Spirits Of Evil" thing, but after 'Hastur Hastur Hastur', I wasn't ready to try anything that, you know, might work in the worst way possible. I did try "AMAZING HEADBAND OF JUSTICE IN PLACE, AMAZING ARMOR OF JUSTICE PROTECT ME!", but I couldn't do that one with a straight face.

I tried to do a hadoken, a kamehameha, and the reigun. Nope. Not even a spark.

After an hour of trying, all I'd managed was to make a royal fool of myself, and nearly bring the wrath of the elder gods upon Equestria. As I panted for breath, I heard a slow clap behind me. I rolled my eyes, then asked, without turning around, "Exactly how long have you been there, Discord?"

Chuckling, the embodiment of chaos said, "I was already in the area, on an assignment. I came up here shortly after you summoned the formless horror from beyond the abyss of time and space, and stayed to see what else you might manage. Well done, by the way. I would never have thought of trying that, myself. If I was still in the 'causing chaos for my own amusement' business, I'd be tempted to give that one a spin myself."

Turning around to face him, I admitted, "I'd advise against it. I don't think all the elder gods are as understanding as Mister H was."

Smiling, Discord said, "I'll keep that in mind." He paused, then asked, "So, what are you doing, asides from racking up copyright violations?" The irony of that statement did not escape me, given the Godzilla incident from earlier today.

Sitting, I answered, "Trying to use magic. It is nowhere as easy as people seem to think it is."

His expression dumbfounded, Discord asked, "Is that all? If that's all you need, I suppose I could give you some pointers..." The hopeful expression that Discord gave me would have done justice to a puppy looking at a pork chop being dangled over his head.

Well, they do say that, when the student is ready, the master shall appear. "I'd be a fool to turn down that offer. Sure. If you can teach me how, I'd be grateful."

Discord snapped his fingers, and there was a flash of light. When he reappeared, he was dressed like Pai Mei from Kill Bill, complete with beard and eyebrows. At my surprised expression, he asked, "Would you prefer Mister Miyagi?"

Comments

[Bucking Nonsense]

NEW CHAPTER UP!!!

Sorry for the wait.

[lumberjack]

I thoroughly enjoy the writing style in this fic. I'm officially hooked!

[Mother3Forever]

I shouted "Hastur Hastur Hastur" as loud as I could. Suddenly, the skies rained blood, and a hole opened in the sky. A yellowish figure descended from the abyss beyond time, at once a humanoid figure in a yellow robe and a tentacled mass that hurt even to look at. It landed in front of me, and said, in a voice like a thousand screaming souls, "'Sup." Clearing my throat, I said, "Sorry, wrong number." The figure shrugged, then said, "It happens. No big." He/It then jumped back up into the sky. The hole vanished, as did the rain of blood, as if it had never been. I made a note to never, ever, forever do that again.

....I have a sudden urge to Play Cthulu Saves the World.

[Bucking Nonsense]

5502408
I love that game.

[Jack Kellar]

I tried shouting the following: Bibbity bobbity boo, abra cadabra, hocus pocus, alakazam, klaatu barada nikto, open sesame, presto chango, sim sim sala bim, wala wala washington, azarath metrion zinthos, and mecca lecca hi mecca hiney ho. Nothing.

I tried several lines of Klingon. Yes, I know Klingon, at least enough to get by at scifi conventions. Yes, yes, I'm a fucking nerd. Get over it. Anyways, it didn't work.

I made a series of hand gestures, up to and including throwing the goat, and making the rocker, the spocker, and various others others. No go.

I shouted "Hastur Hastur Hastur" as loud as I could. Suddenly, the skies rained blood, and a hole opened in the sky. A yellowish figure descended from the abyss beyond time, at once a humanoid figure in a yellow robe and a tentacled mass that hurt even to look at. It landed in front of me, and said, in a voice like a thousand screaming souls, "'Sup." Clearing my throat, I said, "Sorry, wrong number." The figure shrugged, then said, "It happens. No big." He/It then jumped back up into the sky. The hole vanished, as did the rain of blood, as if it had never been. I made a note to never, ever, forever do that again.

I pretended to be holding a sword, held my arms up high, and shouted, "By the power of Grayskull!" That worked exactly as well as you would have thought it would. Same with "Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats! Ho!" "Shazam" too. I considered doing the "Ancient Spirits Of Evil" thing, but after 'Hastur Hastur Hastur', I wasn't ready to try anything that, you know, might work in the worst way possible. I did try "AMAZING HEADBAND OF JUSTICE IN PLACE, AMAZING ARMOR OF JUSTICE PROTECT ME!", but I couldn't do that one with a straight face.

I tried to do a hadoken, a kameamea, and the reigun. Nope. Not even a spark.

... why exactly is this entire section inside a separate letterbox in the story itself? It makes no sense whatsoever.

[Bucking Nonsense]

5502417
I've been doing that in this story every time I make a list, so I figured why stop now?

[redbit1234]

You must give me much loves. Noa. Edit: pancakes pancakes edit: one does not simply edit their comments proof,exclamation point, dot

[IkioStar]

Ah, the references this chapter...

I bask in their presence.

[chittin]

Ooh. More copyrights!

[Jack Kellar]

Ooooooo boy. Discord the Teacher. Teaching a young human nerd with a higher education degree on how to use magic. The magic stored in the body of a centaur so powerful and magically versatile he might as well be a demigod.

This shit can only end well... or hilarious. I don't think the two can overlap.

Also, Conrad you dim sod. You didn't sing 'PARGON', of course you're not gonna be able to cast jack shit!

[H3lios]

Hastur:
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/152/4/a/4ad3e2c3059d4c9b4b47812f17956b8d-d1f08q8.jpg

Cthulhu Ftagen!

[Snowy Flanks]

Discord is going to be good master

[Gilimmar]

Comedy located. Centering.....

Calculating hilarity......

Initiating reaction.

Hah. Hah. Oh. Poor Flint. Hah. Hah. Hah.

I loik it.

[Coyote Fire]

Sweet! Can't wait to see the next chapter

[6flyer]

It's all fun and games until you accidentally summon an elder god.

[HeavensRaptor]

5502371

At my surprised expression, he asked, "Would you prefer Mister Miyagi?"

Yes, yes I would thank you.

[Symyon]

that bit at the end with him trying to do magiks along with Discord had me in hysterics

[Nightmare Wolf]

At my surprised expression, he asked, "Would you prefer Mister Miyagi?"

- To be fair I would like Muten Rōshi.

[Ocean Waves]

To answer Discord,

Yes. In all honesty I would have.
But that's just me.

[Philosophysics]

5502371 NO! WHY YOU STEAL FIRST COMMENT!? AGAIN!?

Anyways...

Get him to be Old Master Turtle from Dragon Ball.

[Krazyfan1]

AMAZING chapter as usual.

[Fresnor]

5502507 Nah, Fluttershy would kill him if he started perving on other mares.

[Lycanthromancer]

I've only gotten a few paragraphs in, but I can already tell that this chapter needs some edit-work.

Oh, and I just finished the rest of the story when it updated. Enjoying it so far.

[Shocks]

There's a saying back home: Does Not Compute. It's a computer's way of saying 'That shit you just said contradicts everything I know to be true, and it just made my brain implode'.

*Goes to worlds largest super computer. Tells it to divide by zero*

[Kamunari]

So much for reigning in the Copyright violations.

[Philosophysics]

5502540

...

Isn't that the point?

or

And your point?

Choose one. Your Argument is Invalid.

[amiamera]

Wracking up copyright violations? Huh, the only copyrightable thing is the Thundercats stuff. Most the phrases are too generic and Cthulhu and most of its mythos are so old they've entered public domain.

[Lycanthromancer]

5502417 Yeah. Doesn't really work.

Also, "kamehameha."

[Eliseo221]

Hahaha! dat michio kaku reference

[The Space Butterfly]

You sir.

Yes, you.

I like you.

Mostly this.

Actually, just this.

[BlueYoshi]

Discord: "If you are allowed to break copyright laws and come up with various references in this story, then I will do that, too."

That being said, I'm definitely looking forward to Discord teaching Conrad on how to use magic. It could definitely come in handy in the future, especially with Conrad's upcoming battle against Sombra.

Also, Discord dressing himself as another character was hilarious! This is why I love stories with "Random" tag in it; when the story style is written properly, you would be bursting out laughing at the humor instead of scratching your head or going "what?" at it.

[Heartless99]

Dat facial hair...

[Bucking Nonsense]

5502507
5502488
If I was going to do anything Japanese...

It would have to be Koro-Sensei, because I honestly believe that he's the Japanese answer to Discord.

[LunarRai]

5502438

Also Hastur.

vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/nyar/images/1/17/Hasuta_In_De_School_Uniforn.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width/640?cb=20130803194445

If anyone else recognizes where this is from, you are awesome.

[Quantum_Shift]

I can't help but imagine John De Lancie in a Miyagi outfit now.

[Bucking Nonsense]

5502633
IT'S A TRAP!!!
Haiyore! Nyaruko-San.

[SingABrightSong]

Henderson Henderson Henderson.

[Fusion Blaster]

Discord snapped his fingers, and there was a flash of light. When he reappeared, he was dressed like Pai Mei from Kill Bill, complete with beard and eyebrows. At my surprised expression, he asked, "Would you prefer Mister Miyagi?"

My responce "Honestly, Yes."

[Proswagonist]

Aww yee

[SorenPixels]

them worse. Worse, being a wizard becomes a young person's game,

First full paragraph. Not sure what happened, there.

Bruce Lee once said that he didn't fear the man who had practiced a thousand kicks one,

not sure there either.

[Philosophysics]

5502630 You should try the manga.

But I am satisfied with your selection. Pervy enough for me.

[Heron Brokengear]

"Hastur Hastur Hastur"

Crap you should not do, ever, but most especially in a high magic environment.

I don't think of it a s superstition, so much as not annoying a being of incomprehensible nature and strength that may exist. After all, caution costs nothing and recklessness has a non-zero chance of getting the attention of an Eldrich abomination.

(if you take into account quantum probability, then it is almost a certainty that another version of you actually got the answer they really did not want.)

Also, if he did invoke the ancient spirits of evil, would he have turned into Mum-ra, the Ever Living

Also, once he figures how to do magic (besides eating it.) he should see if he can get the horns to work for hexes or anything. that many old gypsies can't be wrong!

[magemagics]

Discord snapped his fingers, and there was a flash of light. When he reappeared, he was dressed like Pai Mei from Kill Bill, complete with beard and eyebrows. At my surprised expression, he asked, "Would you prefer Mister Miyagi?"

Oh my god...

[Bucking Nonsense]

5502662
Both corrected. Thanks.

[Bucking Nonsense]

5502665
I have. I love it.

[Exaxxion]

5502630 The fact that you know koro Sensai means you have earned a follow if you don't already have them and this story has or will be given all three tags(favorite,tracking,read later) it's how I tell for me personally what the best shit on this site is and you have definitely earned it

[Oxyaction]

5502543 it would just say unsolvable, it wouldnt blow up, instead try using a logical paradox instead of a mathmatical, like "this statment is false

The above statement is true"

[Philosophysics]

5502677 I WISH IT WOULD UPDATE FASTER!

[Meep the macho]

5460054 I know your comment is old. But you must understand that this is humor in FIM not a war with this guy in it

[Solid Punch]

5502428
Celestia's faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, versus Discord's faithful student, Conrad! Fight!!! (Mortal Kombat music)