• Published 27th Dec 2014
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Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of? - Bucking Nonsense



A human, after a tragic accident, ends up in the body of Lord Tirek. It all goes downhill from there.

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I Build Things! I Don't Break Things! Except Maybe When I'm Drunk, And I Trip On Something!

You want to hear about the most surreal thing that I have ever experienced?

The changelings had decided to throw a party. A party. To celebrate the death of their queen. Whom they had just violently executed five minutes ago. I mean, her body wasn't even cold yet, and the changeling hive decided to have a party. And I was the guest of honor. Yay me.

So yeah, I was Dorothy, Skyflower was Toto, and the changelings were the munchkins. Given that we were in 'The Emerald City', and had just inadvertently killed one of the wicked witches of the compass directions, I couldn't help but feel that this was all some sort of bizarre dream, based on The Wizard Of Oz. I honestly believed I was in a coma at that point, and the doctors had decided to move me up to the good shit.

The changelings were singing and dancing up a storm. And let me tell you, if you think ponies can sing, you have not heard an entire swarm sing in unison. It's... incredibly compelling, yet also kind of creepy, given that they were singing about how their queen was now dead. Yes, they did, in fact, have a 'death song' for when their rulers pass away, and when sung normally, it is incredibly somber and heart-wrenching. However, when the swarm sang it for Chrysalis...

They made it rock. I swear, under other circumstances, I would have been head-banging to it. I know for a fact that half the hive was. If they'd had hands, I was certain that everyone would have been 'Throwing The Goat'. It was like the most metal version of 'Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead' you could ever imagine.

Anyways, I couldn't refuse attending for three very important reasons. Reason one: I was their guest. Reason two: I had nothing better to do. Reason three: Free fucking beer. You heard me. Believe me, if there was ever a time in my life that I needed to get hammered, this was it. I sat with my back against the wall, watched the festivities, and pounded back brews like they were going out of style tomorrow.

Sadly, I was beginning to learn some very unpleasant truths about my new body, such as how the size disparity between myself and my guests meant that one 'glass' of beer for me would be one keg for them. There was also the fact that my body was turning out to be spectacularly resistant to poisons... such as our good old friend, Mister Alcohol. Long story short, beer would not be enough to do the job.

Skyflower, on the other hand/hoof, was under no such restrictions... and was well on her way to becoming totally smashed. I couldn't guarantee her safety if she left my sight, and when she had seen all the beer upon our arrival at the party, she had essentially said, "Fuck it, I'm drinking." She got buzzed pretty quickly, from what I could tell, and was fast approaching the 'flirty' stage of being drunk. Thankfully, the changelings didn't seem interested: Being my 'captive' seemed to have made her pretty unappealing. Messing with her meant messing with me, and no one wanted to mess with me.

I felt a tap against my side, and I turned to see a changeling, fairly young and feminine in appearance (In that she was smaller than most of them, and noticeably more slender), with a fairly small glass filled with a pitch black liquid. Holding it up, she asked, "Poko, milord?"

I picked up the glass in question, and examined it. It didn't look like much. Just a regular mug, really. I suspected that it might have been the the changeling version of hard liquor. Given that regular beer had proven to be less than effective, I supposed that it might help to move up to the stronger stuff.

I tipped my head back, and drank it. All of it. In one go.

Let me explain something to you folks, since you've probably never tried poko before. I can tell, because you're still breathing: Poko is not hard liquor. Oh no. Hard liquor is to poko what a BB Gun is to the fucking Death Star. Apparently, the commander had noticed my one-centaur war on sobriety, and decided to be a friend and help me out before I drank all the beer the changelings had left. In retrospect, he probably should have just given me the damn beer.

Now, I honestly cannot say what exactly happened for the rest of the night. I mean, I've heard the stories, and read the summary of events after I woke up, but I personally cannot testify to their veracity. It's all a blank, even now. The last thing I remember was drinking that mug, and then waking up in the morning.

And what a morning...
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Meanwhile, back at Canterlot...

Luna was more than a little nervous at this moment. Unlike the overwhelming majority of Equestria, she'd been there to see what Discord had done at the height of his power. The embodiment of chaos was not someone you wanted to make angry, under any circumstances. Thankfully, the Draconequus was amongst the most even-tempered beings on the planet. However, the few times that he'd become truly angry, well...

The less said, the better, perhaps.

And now Luna had to break the bad news to him. Time was of the essence, and Celestia, exhausted, had already retired for the evening. Thus, Luna had to be the bearer of bad news. Sometimes, it can really stink, being a princess. Still, better to get it over with now, rather than wait. Clearing her throat, and ensuring that the throne room was empty, she took a deep breath, and said, quietly, "Discord."

Behind her, she heard someone behind her say, "Yoooooouuuuuu raaaaaaaaannnnnnngggggg?"

Turning around quickly, Luna was startled to see Discord standing there, wearing a butler's costume, wearing an unusual looking toupe, and a startlingly stern expression. The princess sighed to herself in irritation. After a moment, she said, "We have a job for you, Discord. It is one of vital importance to the safety and security of Equestria."

Surprisingly, Discord seemed... shocked. After a moment, he looked at her in suspicion, then observed, "A mission 'of vital importance to the safety and security of Equestria', and you're asking me to take care of it. What's wrong, does Twilight Sparkle have the flu?"

"She is in good health, so far as we know," Luna stated flatly, then said, "Under other circumstances, we might have chosen her first. However, recent events have led my sister and I to believe that you would be better equipped to handle this crisis than she would be."

Dropping the costume, Discord chuckled, then said, "My, my, just wait until I tell her you said that. She'll go all green with envy, just like last time." As he spoke, the Draconequus began changing in hue, until he was the green of a spring lawn.

"One of the conditions of this mission will require that you remain silent about the details of the operation," Luna said, her expression stern. "You will understand why shortly."

Discord frowned, and returned to his normal coloration. With a pout, he said, "Sure, fine, spoil all my fun." With a shrug, he added, "Well, I suppose I can accept that. What is this mission all about."

A little worried, she said, "Before I tell you the details, I need you to make me a promise. You must not, under any circumstances, leave this room in any way, shape, or form, until after your briefing has been completed."

Discord's eyes widened, then looked the princess over with an... intensely curious expression. "Well, well, how interesting. I... suppose I can deal with that. Fine." Holding up both hands, and the tip of his tail, fingers and hair tufts spread wide, he said, "Very well. I promise."

Without preamble, Luna said, "Tirek has escaped from Tartarus. Again."
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At about that time, all of Canterlot was suddenly awoken from its peaceful slumber by a sudden noise. Those few who were awake and watching the palace would have sworn that the roofs of the palace briefly rose a full body-length into the air, before coming back down with a crash. They'd also claim that the noise was someone in the palace shouting "WHAT!?" loudly...
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Luna rubbed her ears, still wincing from Discord's sudden outburst. She idly wondered if that was what it was like to be on the receiving end of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Thankfully, Discord had regained control of himself, and after a moment, he simply gave Luna a long look, before saying, "If that was a joke... No, I forgot who I was talking to: You don't make jokes."

With a snap of his griffin-taloned hand, Discord summoned... puppets. One representing Luna on his left hand, one representing Celestia on his right, and one, bizarrely, representing himself on the tip of his tail. "I seem to recall a certain conversation we had a few weeks ago. Let me see if I remember how this went."

The Discord puppet said, "Hey ladies, seeing as how Tirek is now trapped in Tartarus, maybe you'd like for me to do something to make it harder for anyone to escape. I'd be happy to do that for you, free of charge, since we're all friends now."

The Celestia puppet, in a tone that made the princess sound more than a little airheaded, said, "Oh no, Discord, that won't be necessary at all. I'm absolutely certain that there's no way that he could possibly escape from the exact same prison he'd already escaped from once."

The Luna puppet, somehow managing to convey the exact same airheaded-ness while also sounding exactly like the original, said, "And even if he did, we're absolutely certain that we can rely on the mysterious power of rainbows that Twilight and her friends have no idea how to use again if there's ever another escape." The Luna puppet turned towards Celestia and said, "Now, sister, let us be away to have tea and cake, while we ignore the potential threat looming over our heads."

"Yay, I love tea and cake!" the Celestia puppet exclaimed, then both suddenly sprouted wings and flew away.

Luna, frowning, said, "Yes, yes, you told us so."

Smiling, Discord said, "Yes, I did. But since you admitted it, I won't bother to rub it in..." Discord snapped his fingers, there was a bright flash, and the Draconequus was suddenly wearing a red bandana and green camo pants. He was also carrying what seemed to be some manner of weapon in each hand. It took Luna a moment to recognize the weapons in question, having only heard of them from Twilight Sparkle's adventures in the world of humans: The Draconequus was carrying firearms, AK-47s if she remembered the designation correctly. The puppet, still on Discord's tail, now had a knife clutched between its teeth. Now girded for war, Discord asked, "So where is he?"

The alicorn held up a hoof and said, "Before I tell you, I need to inform you of the exact nature of your mission, amongst other things."

An eyebrow raised, he asked, "Seek and destroy?"

With a sigh, Luna admitted, "More along the lines of search and rescue. Tirek, from the reports we have obtained, has allied himself with the changeling swarm. We currently have no information beyond that, save a general location. That, and the fact that he has a hostage. While our forces gather in preparation for an assault, we need you to locate the enemy stronghold, obtain intelligence in regard to their plans and the overall strength of their collective forces, and if possible, determine whether the hostage still lives."

His expression hopeful, Discord asked, "And Tirek?"

"We'd prefer not to tip our hooves until our forces are fully gathered," the princess stated formally. "The changelings have twice evaded capture, and we would prefer they not succeed in escaping a third time. However..."

The Draconequus gestured with one of his guns, and asked, "Yes?"

"If you can succeed in capturing him without anyone seeing you," The princess said, after a moment's thought, "then do so. However, you must capture him alive."

An eyebrow raised, Discord asked, "Why?"

"When Scorpan aided us in capturing his brother, he had one condition," Luna admitted, unhappily. "He still held out hope that his brother might one day embrace the joys of friendship. Thus, while we may capture and contain Tirek, we are oath-bound not to slay him... nor are we to allow anyone else to do so in our stead. So, before we can inform you of his location, we must have your word that you will not attempt to slay him, or do him any lasting harm."

DIscord pulled the trigger of his weapon, and... a little flag with the word 'Bang!' written on it popped out. Rolling his eyes, the Draconequus said, "Fine, I won't kill him..." The flag suddenly shot off, and embedded itself into the stone of the ceiling, "But he won't be happy when I'm done with him..."
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Ah, the morning. That wonderful time when you discover that you can't remember anything that you did the night before, but the blinding pain of your headache tells you that it was probably something you'll regret for the rest of your life...

The fact that I woke to somewhat feminine snoring next to me helped to reinforce that message. Raising my hand up to my face, I received two rather nasty surprises. The first was that my hand was rather large and well-muscled... and red This, combined with the agony of my hangover, informed me that, whatever this was, it wasn't a dream or a hallucination. Worse, since there really shouldn't be hangovers in heaven, and I'd not lived a bad enough life to warrant hell, I wasn't in the afterlife either. So, at that moment, I'd realized that this was my new reality.

This revelation was eclipsed by the fact that I now wore a wedding ring. It took a moment for the full ramifications of that to sink in: I was a centaur, and thus far, the only creatures that I had encountered were ponies and bug-ponies. Therefore...

I turned my head to the side, and saw...

Well, it took me a moment to recognize her without her helmet or her armor: I'd not realized that she was blonde, since her helmet had fully obscured her mane, and I'd not really noticed the color of her tail before. Still, the facial structure and overall coloration were the same, and she was definitely still a unicorn. A gold ring, matching the one I now wore on my hand, was on the base of her horn. Somehow, last night I had ended up getting married to Skyflower.

Let me ask you a serious question: Just how drunk do you have to get to marry a pony? Poko drunk. If I ever met Tucker Max, I had the beginnings of a story that would make even his most extreme drunken misadventures seem like nothing in comparison. I married a unicorn last night. I had gotten so drunk that I had married a fucking unicorn. A UNICORN WHO BARELY CAME UP TO MY KNEES!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!? I COULDN'T REMEMBER!!!

I felt a scream welling up. At that moment in time, I would have believed that there was no force in all creation that could stop it.

I was interrupted from my horror, blessedly, by the one sound that can make everything right in the world once more: A puppy yipping. I looked over towards my... hooves, and saw a golden retriever pup, in the universal 'Let's Play' position, wagging his tail happily. And he was not alone. There had to be half a dozen puppies, some of them nipping at my hooves, playing on the bed. The pain of my hangover headache had prevented me from realizing it before. Strangely enough, their adorable presence helped ease the pain...

Carefully gathering all of the little ankle-biters with one hand, I rose as gently as I could from the bed, and walked out of the room, before releasing them, after which they took off down the hall, playing puppy games. I was not about to wake Skyflower, just so I could listen to her scream in my face. Not with a hangover, please. Let her sleep it off a while longer...

The commander met me at the doorway. He'd somehow acquired a name tag, proclaiming his name to now be 'Ash'. He seemed to be a little sheepish at that moment. I went to college. I graduated with a masters in structural engineering, and in the top five percent of my class. I can put two and two together a whole hell of a lot faster than most people can. I pointed at the bedroom, then said, "You're responsible for that. Explain."

Nodding, Ash said, "Yes milord. Last night, I noted that you were drinking to excess, yet were suffering no ill effects. You seemed to be trying to drink yourself into a stupor, but the beer we were serving you was clearly insufficient. So, I had a serving maid bring you a glass of poko, hoping to aid you in reaching the goal you were obviously trying to reach."

Curious, I asked, "Just what is poko?"

The commander, after a moment, said, "It is the beer of the gods, and the god of beers. We give it to dragons as tribute, since a shot glass full can get even an adult drake thoroughly inebriated. You drank enough poko last night to floor the entire hive... and you just kept going."

Uh oh. That was a disaster waiting to happen... and it sounded like it had.

"Realizing that you'd not likely remember what you would do come the dawn, and unable to stop you, given your... prodigious proportions, I began chronicling your actions for you, at first so that you'd have a record of the events, and later for posterity." Gulping, Ash said, "You had a very busy night last night, milord." Handing me a sheet of paper, he sat and waited while I read it.
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0:00: Lord Tirek drank a single glass of poko.

0:01: Lord Tirek sprang to his hooves, and called for the attention of the entire hive. He immediately got it. A centaur his size is hard to ignore.

0:02: Lord Tirek asked why changelings did not have names. The answer, that we primarily communicated and identified one another via scent, was insufficient. Lord Tirek promptly gave an impassioned speech regarding the vital importance of verbal names, including how, with a name, one could be remembered for centuries after their passing. He ended his speech by saying that it would be a terrible thing if the only changeling ever remembered in history was the queen that had just been deposed.

0:30: Every changeling in the hive, moved by his eloquent speech, immediately demanded names. Lord Tirek, dubbing himself the ruler of the changeling hive (And no one was willing to challenge him for the title at that moment), and renaming himself Emperor Kickass McAwesometown, gave the unicorn named Skyflower the title of Royal Name Giver, and told her to get to work. Skyflower (Thoroughly inebriated) giggled and promptly did so with startling enthusiasm.

0:44: My name is now Ash. I admit, I like it. It feels right, somehow.

0:45: Emperor McAwesometown (Tirek) asked how the hive now planned to gather love. When the subject of infiltration came up, he promptly labeled that 'Bullshit'. He also dubbed conquest as 'Double Bullshit'. He then informed us of the fact that 'puppies' were a life form that would, in exchange for food, care, and attention, provide all the love we would ever need. One changeling, having now been given the name 'Lenny' mentioned that there was, in fact, a puppy mill within two hours flight of the hive.

0:55: Emperor McAwesometown, after hearing this, pulled one of the larger gemstones off of the throne, and promptly proclaimed, and I quote, "Go forth, and buy all the puppies that you can carry! Your emperor wills that it be so!" Lenny took the gemstone, easily enough to buy the entire puppy mill three times over, saluted, and left with a dozen other changelings to fulfill the emperor's will.

1:00: Skyflower stated that she was hungry. Emperor McAwesometown demanded to be led to the kitchens, where we would normally prepare meals for non-changeling prisoners and/or guests. Skyflower, more heavily inebriated, yet somehow having completed her naming duties, followed. The emperor proclaimed that he would craft for us the true food of the gods.

4:00: Emperor McAwesometown, after having turned the kitchens into a disaster area, returned, bearing a confection called a 'cheesecake'. Sadly, since changelings lack taste buds and digestive systems, no one could eat it save the emperor and his captive. Skyflower, curious, ate a slice.

4:01: Skyflower immediately ate all of the cheesecake, then proclaimed her eternal love and adoration for both the confection and its cook. She promptly climbed up Emperor McAwesometown's leg, then chest, then, upon reaching his face, began to engage in an action that can only be described as 'making out' with him. Emperor McAwesometown, while surprised, does nothing to stop her, and in fact began enthusiastically returning her drunken affections with his own equally drunken affections.

4:30: They are still making out. Shamelessly. In full view of everyone. The entire hive, almost as drunk as they are, cheers them on. Some couples around the room are trying to match them in intensity.

4:31: ...I really miss my mate. I wish that she was here to see this. A year she's been gone, and it still hurts, sometimes.

5:00: Lenny returns with puppies. In addition, he purchased dog food bowls, leashes, water bowls, toys, and sundry other canine accessories. Given that he has proven himself able to think ahead, even when heavily intoxicated, I have chosen to, once sober, consider him for a promotion. He may be officer material.

5:01: Correction: Lenny is a she. She prefers that it be spelled 'Leni'. She's... kind of cute, although that may just be the beers talking.

5:05: The puppies prove to be as loving as the emperor claimed they'd be. I cannot begin to describe how happy this makes me. Why hadn't we thought of this sooner? All those wasted years...

5:06: Emperor McAwesometown commands that we find someone to perform a wedding. He and Skyflower have chosen to be wed this very night, and is currently working with the unicorn to turn some of the gold from the queen's throne into a pair of matching rings for them to wear. Leni promptly leaves with others in tow. I hope she comes back soon...

5:09: Leni returns with an earth pony named Cheese Sandwich, who had apparently been in the area, trying to locate our celebration. It turns out that Mister Sandwich is able to perform weddings. He is also a notary, surprisingly enough, and is able to provide a fully legal wedding certificate and a prenuptial agreement for the happy (yet also incredibly inebriated) couple.

5:15: It turns out that I'm the type who cries at weddings. This comes as a surprise to me. Leni thinks that it's cute...

5:30: The emperor and his bride are now wed. They promptly depart for the queen's bedchambers, to... 'consummate' their union. That cannot possibly end well, but I am not able to stop them...

5:31: Within a second of having entered the room and shutting the door, both husband and wife are snoring loudly. Thank goodness. I have no idea what might have happened if they'd actually followed through on their plans. Speaking of plans, Leni has been giving me a look for a little while now, and now that Lord Tirek is asleep, I think I should see what that look might mean. I should probably stop writing now, I seem to be writing anything that pops into my head at this point...

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After reading the entire 'after-action report', I turned towards the commander, and said, "I need a bath. Is there anyplace that can accommodate my... 'prodigious proportions'?" I needed some time to process all of this... or maybe just drown myself...

"There is a pond we often use for bathing behind the hive, Lord Tirek," Ash said with a bow. "I'll lead you there now."

As we walked, I asked, "So, how did it go with you and Leni?" Idle conversation, I hoped, would keep me from losing my tenuous grip on sanity at the moment.

Shrugging, Ash said, "A gentlebug never tells, sir."