I Had You Going There For A Minute, Didn't I?
Fun's fun, but business is business.
After three hours of hard rocking loud enough that all the damned souls in Pony Hell were probably trying to figure out how the throw the goat with hooves, I had gotten myself fully acquainted with my new guitar. I will freely admit, it was tricky, learning how to play with Tirek's sausage-like digits, especially since I was a little out of practice, but after three hours, I was fully prepared for what was to come.
Discord had the magical kazoo. I had my guitar. Starswirl had the transportation handled (We'd appear at the outskirts of the city. He dared not transport us inside, for fear that Grogar might take advantage of the dimensional distortion and try to escape). Everyone else, even the changelings, were in the throne room, ready to see us off. We just needed to say our goodbyes, and we would be on our way.
Trust Ash to think of the one thing that nopony else had, though.
"Milord, the hive and I wish to give you something before you go," He said with a bow, while Discord and Fluttershy exchanged tearful promises to see each other soon.
Nodding, I said, "Alright. What do you wish to give?" Whatever it is, I was certain that it would be useful: Every gift he'd given me thus far had been awesome, after all.
Ash turned towards the gathered changelings that had returned to the throne room, and said, "Alright, everybuggy! Fifty percent, but no more!"
The assembled changelings opened their mouths, and...
And a pink, smokelike energy began to emerge from their mouths, and gather into a sphere in front of me. With a bow, Ash said, "We offer you this, milord: Half of the love energy in the hive. Sombra and Grogar both use the power of fear and hate, which can only be countered by courage and love. While your valor is certainly not in question, you may need an additional boost in regards to love, should things go awry."
The sphere that was forming didn't grow, exactly, but rather it simply condensed. Otherwise, I had the distinct impression that it would have been large enough to blot out the sun. Tactfully, I said, "I do appreciate the offer, but I don't know if it'll work. When I tried 'eating' the queen's energy..." Well, it had been so horribly minty, like I'd tried to eat toothpaste...
"The queen was a madmare," Ash asserted, "and I am certain that when she used that energy to attack you, she tainted it in some way. If you try it now, I am certain that it will be to your liking."
Hesitantly, I traced a finger along the edge of the sphere, and pulled off a tiny spec of energy from it. I gave it a tentative lick, and...
Okay, I am kind of ashamed to admit it, but I immediately grabbed the whole sphere and started chowing down on it like there was no tomorrow. I mean, it was like pizza made from bacon, or like steak made of beer, or like cotton candy made from the sugar of the gods! It was so delicious that, after I was done, it took all my self-control not to reach out, crack open a changeling, and eat some more...
And the rush I felt afterwards. Indescribable. Words fail me. I had never experienced anything like it, before or since. I wondered if that was what becoming a super-saiyan felt like...
"Huh," Twilight said, surprised. "I was half-expecting him to start growing..."
"Quality over quantity," Scorpan said, simply.
Confused, the lavender pegacorn asked, "What?"
With a shrug, the... winged monkey man thing said, "Not all magic energies make my people grow. Raw magic energy gives us strength, but it inflates us like balloons. Other energy types, like love, friendship, and stuff like that, empowers us without making us enormous. It's a whole lot safer than what Tirek was stealing: If Tirek hadn't been stopped when he had, he would likely have continued until he popped... explosively. And an explosion like that would have left a crater where Equestria once was."
Yikes. "Thank goodness no one offered him a wafer-thin mint," I said with a chuckle.
Discord burst out laughing, as did Pinkie Pie. The rest of the assembled ponies and changelings just looked confused. I sighed, then said, "Right. As soon as I get back, I'll need to introduce all of you to Monty Python." Shit, if time wasn't a factor, I'd have gone ahead and introduced them all to one of the greatest things to ever come out of Great Britain....
"Um, is Monty a nice python?" Fluttershy asked... shyly.
I'm sorry, but words fail to describe the cuteness of Fluttershy, especially when she asks a silly question like that. I know it sounds kinda odd, since she's basically a teenage girl, but regardless, she's the most adorable teenage girl ever. Forever.
Unable to think of a better answer to that adorable question, I said, "He's a very silly python who has a flying circus. Ask Pinkie Pie about it after we leave. She probably knows more about it than I do." And damned if Pinkie didn't salute and nod with a smile. I will never understand that silly pink pony, but I can't help but like her nonetheless.
"Alright, Discord," I said, looking over at him and Fluttershy. "It is time to go."
The draconequus nodded, and the two of us stepped through the magic portal to the Equestrian equivalent of R'lyeh to face goat Cthulhu and pony Hitler in a battle to save the life of a love-eating bug pony that I'd known for maybe about three days.
...I love how crazy my life has gotten.
-------------------------------------------
Okay, my first impression of Tambelon justifies my likening the ancient ruins to H. P. Lovecraft's corpse city of the ancient unknowable horrors from beyond time and space. THe city was a study in non-Euclidian geometry that made me feel sick to my stomach just looking at it. I can't do the place justice with words. Here's something that can give you an idea: Look at the nearest door frame. Now look at the upper right corner. Now imagine that corner as an angle, a curve, and a straight line ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! There's a reason why the Equestrian army considers the outpost overlooking this place the worst place in the world to be, and that's even before the creepy shit that stalks this place at night. This place did not belong in this world. It would be like seeing a location from a cartoon drawn in the 1980's in the middle of a current era work.
Discord told me later that this place looked a lot more normal once, but eons of contact with the realm of shadows had sent reality out to lunch in ways that even the master of chaos himself could not achieve. Discord likes things to be random and crazy, but even this was beyond his capabilities. He could bend reality to his whims, but here, reality was broken to the very foundation...
Anyways, for the sake of everyone's sanity, especially my own, I'm going to stop trying to describe the indescribable.
"Uh oh," Discord said, looking at the sky.
I looked up as well. Dammit: The sun was almost completely down. Starswirl had made a miscalculation: Tambelon was in the far eastern section of Equestria. The White Tail Woods, where the hive was located, was in the far west. That put the ruins in a different time zone than where we started. Translation? We'd left a couple of hours before sunset at the hive, but here, the sun was almost gone.
We'd planned on reaching the place where Sombra would make his offer, wait for things to go bad for the jerk, then step in before Grogar killed Leni. Instead, we'd have to run, or we might not make it in time...
---------------------------------
Meanwhile, in the throne room of the ruined castle of Tambelon...
Sombra was in the midst of the ritual needed to call Grogar forth from the realm of shadows. The blood red candles, all fifty-nine of them, were lit with black flames. The twelve bowls of offerings (Milk, honey, oats, barley, wine, etc.) were filled to their rims. Sombra was in the process of walking the dread tread, the peripatis thaumaturgae - counterclockwise, eleven steps to the circuit, with, of course, the semi-hop following each third completion of the circuit to throw off what demons might be tailing behind in the astral plane. And he was almost done with the chant of ages, a chant created by an ancient elder race with neither mouths, tongues, nor throats. It made for an interesting chant.
...Admittedly, the ritual could be performed with just two small bits of wood and a fresh egg (or 2cc of mouse blood), but Sombra was a traditionalist to the core. Besides, a fresh egg in Tambelon tended to hatch suddenly... and the thing that came out when it did so was rarely a chicken, and mouse blood did even stranger things here...
Leni watched all of this with an expression of frustration, suspended from the ceiling by a chain connected to the manacles around her legs. It had been trying, keeping up the perfect Skyflower disguise for so long. She'd expected Sombra to just kill her quickly and be done with it. Instead, he had something dreadful planned. Something that promised to be slow and agonizing. Were it for just anyone else, Leni would have dropped the disguise by now and be done with it. However, every second she remained here in disguise was a second that Skyflower had to find someplace to find shelter. It gave the hive more time to prepare for Sombra's return. And it gave Emperor Conrad more time to come find her. He had changed the fate of the changelings in but a single night. He had faced Discord himself in battle, and had defeated one of the most powerful beings in Equestria just by shouting at him. He had befriended that very being within a few minutes afterwards. There was nothing that Lord Conrad could not do. Leni believed, with all her heart and soul, that he would come and save her...
And that he would kick Sombra's sorry flank so hard that his face and cutie mark would switch places.
In the middle of the room, a crack appeared in the air, and something was visible within...
It was an eye. A glowing red eye, with a rectangular bar of black for a pupil...
The eye swiveled towards the tyrant, and a cold, empty voice said, "Ah, Sombra. I was wondering who was calling me. It has been some time since I saw you last, has it not? A thousand years, give or take? I would say I was beginning to worry about you, but we both know that would be a lie."
Scowling, Sombra said, "Grogar, I have come to make an exchange, according to the terms of our agreement." Gesturing towards Leni, he said, "In exchange for the soul of a blood relative, I request a boon of power from you."
The eye swiveled back to give Leni a glance that left the disguised changeling deeply unnerved. In the eye of Grogar, she could see own reflection. Her own, not Skyflower's.
He... he could see through her illusion. Grogar knew that she was a fake! It was as good as over now...
Grogar gave a chuckle which held a trace of something that might, were one obscenely generous, have been called amusement, then swiveled back towards Sombra. "Truly? You wish to offer her to me in exchange for a boon of power?"
Staring the... thing in the eye, Sombra asked, "Did I stutter?"
"I simply wished to confirm, before we began," the... whatever that was said, his voice once again cold. "Very well. You know, of all the beings that have come to strike bargains with me, I think that you might be my favorite." At Sombra's shocked expression, Grogar gave another cold chuckle, then continued, "Others come to me with their trifling requests. 'Oh Grogar, please save my foal from dying due to this terrible disease,' or 'Please Grogar, help me take revenge on the monsters who wiped out my village.' Matters beneath my contempt, really. But you, you came to me, demanding the power necessary to force your own ideals upon the world." With a final hollow chuckle, he added, "And even after being sent to Hades, you come back right away with the intent of repeating the same actions. Most ponies, upon ending up there, would reflect upon their actions, and consider the possibility that they might have been in the wrong, but not the great King Sombra. I wonder, do you even remember why you started down this path, or has your lust for power drowned out the memory of your father's death?"
With an angry snort, Sombra said, "Enough stalling! Grant me my boon, and be done with it!"
"Hmph," Grogar said with a trace of annoyance, "Very well. I shall give you the greatest boon that I can bestow." The eye began to glow with a dark blue light, and a moment later, Sombra's body began to glow the same shade. For a moment, the tyrant seemed confused, as if, besides the glow, nothing was happening. And then...
And then his horn fell off.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" Sombra exclaimed, staring at his shorn horn in horror.
Laughing, this time with malice, Grogar said, "I have done you a favor: I have transformed you into a superior species!" At Sombra's incredulous expression, the... thing said, "Oh, you thought that just becasue you could shoot spells from your horn, that you were superior to the 'Mud Ponies' and 'Feather Dusters' of the world? Foolish. Of the three races of ponykind, the Earth Ponies are far more resistant to disease, much more resilient when it comes to recovery from physical injury, and live much longer and healthier lives than their counterparts due to their active lifestyles. Further, they are much more fertile, bearing on average far more offspring than either race combined. Meanwhile, pegasai are prone to breaking bones more easily, due to the lighter bone structure that enables them to fly, and unicorns live shorter lifespans, due to their bodies being more frail, since... heh, they rely on their magic to do everything for them. Oh, and Earth Ponies can grow their own food." And then, he twisted the proverbial knife, adding, "Superior. Right. What kind of superior lifeform can't even establish their own stable food supply?" Looking over at Leni, he added, "No offense?"
Dropping her disguise, and revealing herself as a changling for Sombra to see, Leni said, "None taken. We're working on that."
His eyes wide, Sombra whispered, "She was a fake..."
With another laugh that dripped with malice, Grogar said, "Even if she had been the real Skyflower, she would not have met the criteria for the offering: She is no more your blood relation than Celestia or Luna would be." His tone became mocking as he rubbed salt in the wound, adding, "Poor little Sombra, so blind to the world around him that he failed to notice that his sister-in-law's pregnancy was a month shorter than the norm..."
Grinding his teeth in impotent rage, Sombra said, "Curse you, Grogar. I swear, by all the blood in my body, that you will suffer for this..."
Grogar gave another chuckle that was equal parts mirth and malice, then said, "A hollow threat, especially from a weakling. You have no defense against those who will come seeking vengeance against you now. And while you may have an earth pony's body, you lack their strength or stamina: A five year old filly could take you in a fight, let alone the things that wander the ruins of Tambelon after nightfall. I sincerely doubt that you will even see the sun rise." The eye narrowed, and Grogar asked, "But why wait, when I can strike both you and her down right here and now?"
Another eerie glow filled the room, and the shadows of the room became darker, more menacing. Skeletal limbs began to reach out from the darkness...
And then, there was a noise. No, noise did not do it justice. Nor did sound, or any other word. What came from everywhere at once was not a sensation, but an experience. It was as if the gods themselves had come down from the heavens, grabbed the entire world, and shook it while roaring at the top of their lungs. A moment later, the roof of the throne room was torn away, and the sight was replaced by a titanic monstrosity made of metal...
And then, impossibly, Lord Conrad's voice roared out over the metal god's voice, shouting, "BAGGER 288, BITCHES!!!"
Her eyes and mouth open wide in awe, a portion of Leni's mind wondered if Ash would be okay if she regular-married him, and turbo-married Lord Conrad...
------------------------------------------
If anyone ever says that the power of love is for losers, feel free to slap the fucking shit out of that dumbass two hundred eighty-eight times.
We'd made very good time through the ruins of Tambelon, since whatever monsters roam Tambelon at night knew better than to start shit with the master of chaos and the world's most metal centaur. However, our destination was the throne room of the palace, and it would take a long time to navigate the corridors of that place, even in its normal incarnation. With the things that the shadow world had done to that building over the ages, it might take centuries to find our way to the throne room by foot. Worse, teleportation was a bad idea here, due to it being a no-Euclidian-geometry-allowed zone. Who knows where we might have ended up? So, what was a pair of uber-powerful beings to do, in a situation like this?
Answer: Fuck. Shit. Up.
Like I said before, I was feeling like a super-saiyan at the moment, so I decided to just take all of that extra power that the hive had given me, and use it to spontaneously manifest a Bagger 288. It's like how Discord just makes stuff appear, just on a far larger scale. I honestly couldn't explain how I managed it now. Maybe it was just the adrenaline, letting me tap into some portion of Tirek's brain that I normally couldn't access. Maybe it was just a place where our interests intersected: My random trivia knowledge jived with Lord Tirek's inherent love for wrecking things, or something like that. Regardless, without any help from Discord, except for driving that awesome engine of limitless annihilation, I managed to call forth earth's mechanical version of Bahamut purely from the power of love.
From there, it was just a matter of ripping our way through to the throne room.
Simple. Yet. Awesome.
Striding along the massive arm of the massive bucket wheel excavater, I made my way casually to the throne room. Dropping in from above, I asked, "So, what's up?"
Sombra, dehorned, was sitting in a corner, crying and wailing like a little bitch. Leni was suspended from the ceiling, looking at me as if I had gone beyond being the god of the changelings to being the supergod of everything awesome, everywhere, forever. And in the crack in the air, I got my first glance of Grogar, or at least his eye.
Goat eye. Creepy. As. Fuck.
In the cold, empty voice of his, he asked, "What is that?"
Clearing my throat, I recited from memory, "That is the Bagger 288, or Excavator 288..." I then recited, verbatim, the entire contents of the wikipedia article concerning this epic monster of devastation. It took me about five minutes, all told. I'd heard about it, one day, and out of curiosity, spent an afternoon looking up the machine, as well as looked into a documentary about it.
Still reeling, Leni said, "You sure seem to know a lot about it..."
Spreading my arms wide, I proclaimed, "I AM A RANDOM TRIVIA GOD!!!"
Grogar, seemingly not amused, asked, "As enlightening as all of that was, I must ask, what are you doing here?"
I pointed towards Sombra and said, "That asshole abducted my vassal." I pointed towards Leni, then said, "I'm here to rescue her." As an after thought, I added, "And I'm taking that asshole, too. I have plans for him." Oh what plans I had...
"I think not," Grogar said, his tone stern. "Regardless of whether she is your vassal or not, she is mine now, as is that 'asshole', as you call him."
I had hoped that he'd just let us take them both, given that I had just summoned the god of excavators to lay waste to his palace, but I suppose it takes more than a marvel of engineering to impress that old goat.
"So I shall take them now, if you have no other objections," said goat stated, his eye glowing a dark blue.
At that moment, Discord dropped down, dressed in leather like Rob Halford from Judas Priest (Circa 1979), and shouted, "Wait! Waaaaaaaiiiiiiit!!! WAAAAAIIIIIIIT, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! WE CHALLENGE YOU TO A ROCK OFF!!!" Then, in a quieter tone, he added, "Give us one chance to rock your socks off..."
Dammit. I'd really wanted to be the one who said that.
Bagger 288
Rob Halford is the front man for the band Judas Priest, one of the most iconic metal bands out there, and along with Monty Python's Flying Circus, is one of the greatest things to ever come out of the UK.
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NEW CHAPTER UP!!! THE CLIMAX IS ALMOST UPON US!!!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~
5643624
*gives you another hug*
5643624 Sorry. I couldn't read properly through the tears of manliness. It was simply too awesome Bagger 228.
*Breaks Down*
Please phone GOP later when he is coherent.
MOAR
5643624 Wait, this isn't the climax?! Fuck, I don't know if my heart can take it, this chapter almost explodonated it all on its lonesome!
... I love it!
The Bagger 288. Truly the most metal excavator in existence. I loved this chapter. Conrad really knows how to make an entrance.
Add in incredibly rare geomancy among very few Earth Ponies and you've hit my personal headcannon to a T.
OH MY FUCKING GOD. YES.
Finally someone who agrees with my that Goat Eyes are creepy as fuck.
Oh and Judas Priest. Fuck Yes.
I fucking love this.
You did it! i Knew i could count on you to make a tenacious D reference!
You have introduce me a bag of awesomeness. I thank you.
Germans save the day! Although it could have been more awesome it it had been the transformer edition.
I bucking love this story
...We need Conrad to make it do this:
You can't write this AWESOME story faster?
Dang it, cliffhanger.
emperor titan is better at 2km tall
Kinda wish Conrad had taken a page out of Ghost Riders book and further pimped out the Bagger 288 with the fires of Hell. That's the one thing Spirit of Vengeance did right.
5643810
Yeah, but the Emperor Titan, as awesome as it may be, is a work of fiction. The Bagger 288 is real.
GO, CONRAD AND DISCORD! SHOW GROGAR WHO ARE THE BEST ROCK DUO IN EQUESTRIA!!!!!
5643768 Shh. Don't. Ask.
My life is officially richer after seeing that Bagger 288 song.
5643820
As a gay man i don't care if you're a a man, woman, centaur, saytr, god, demon, or Sarah palin... i.. i... think i'm in love with how amazingly random and hilarious you are, can i marry you?
It's like Sombra has just been emasculated. I almost feel sorry for him.
Would have been easier to describe the Badger 288 as that machine in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, sorry to say that I skimmed through all that trivia.
So it looks like Earth Ponies are the master race. I bet Aryanne would be very happy to hear that.
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This chapter was so awesome and so metal that I gasm'd out of every single orifice. More please.
Your back on the featured list i see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-WHW-QNswE
Goddamnit, I was just reading the Wikipedia entry for the Bagger 288 YESTERDAY, and now you made me have to read the whole thing through again.
5643747
That was the most awesome thing involving an excavator ever since Ghost Rider lit it on fire an d used it to wreck shit
Ha, the Bagger 288 IS a metal god!
I'm fully expecting Grogar to continue the song banter as it goes
5643890
Almost.
5643832
I don't know why I put that here, but it just felt... right.
5643869
Sorry man, I'll have to say no: I promised my mother that she'd have at least five biological grandkids, and I don't think that you'd be able to provide.
Amazing I want one
I really hope that you finish up the next chapter, soon. That was way too awesome to have to wait for the next part.
5643988
aw poo. well in any case if you ever need a new cover for any new stories just ask! i think im pretty good if i do say so myself!
Bagger 288 for the mental music, Bagger 293 because its newer? I thought there was suposed to be a new one brought into operation in late 2014 due to them bringing a new one out every 20 years or so.
When you absolutely, totally, definitely need to get somewhere in a hurry, make Nothing stand in your way.
I really hope Discord has remembered his 17 sided die, with 17 on all sides.
5644040 bagger 293 was built in 1995 and is very, very, similar to the bagger 288.
...What did I just watch? Seriously, I can't remember that Badger 288 video that author posted...and I am scared to watch it again.
Then again, I do have a very shelter YouTube life, and maybe just need to build an immunity...
to find error.
5643820
Imagine, if you will, a Ghost Rider Megazord type mech. Now imagine that mech transforming deception style from the Bagger 288. It now sprouts a set of sonic boom box cannon wings, with Discord mega mixing sick beats from the internal super sentai style command center. Meanwhile, Lord Conrad thrashes out an epic tirade of magically charged metal music Sabaton style from on top of the mech's head platform, summoning a mystic sword of extreme righteousness which the mech uses to duel with Grogar, attacking in time with the beastly metal shredding and the blasting base drops. Even if it's just in passing, could you make use of this image somehow? It popped into my head when I read the chapter and the sheer awesomeness of it won't allow the image to fade from my memory.
5643747 I forsee a lame ending for Sombra. Wait... why did I mention you? Oh right BAGGER 288 TRANSFORMER OP!
Also... Starswirl made a calculative mistake due to time zones.
5643820
So when does Bagger 288 transform into a stage with far too many speakers, smoke machines and lasers shooting fire... or was it fire shooting lasers? Well, anyway, because every true rock concert has lasers and fire.
I just hope poor Leni doesn't have it's changeling mind turned to mush from too much collateral epic Rock swagger that's about to be unleashed on Grogar.
Also, someone better keep an eye on Sombra before he takes that horn and stabs someone with it. It's tiny but it's so full of hate, it's like concentrated evil.
5643624 Well, I certainly climaxed this chapter. And the one before. And the one before that, and before that...