You're Not Buying It, Are You?
So, at this point, things were looking more dark and grim than a Warhammer 40K novel.
I'd... I had seriously fucked up. Big time. There was no getting around it. I'd had this image in my head for what Sombra would be like. I had assumed that he'd be like some sort of Saturday morning cartoon villain, who was egotistical in the extreme and wanted to be the center of attention. The kind who would come in with a big, dramatic speech, waving his metaphorical dick around while boasting about how big it is. My plan had more or less been that, while he was doing that, I'd just walk right up to him, punch him about a dozen times in his non-metaphorical dick, and knock the wind out of his sails. From there, it would all be over except for the ultra-violence. Instead?
I had played right into his hooves. While I'd been dealing with the big, obvious attack right outside my front door, he had waltzed right in, entered the most secure room in the hive, and abducted someone right under my nose. Not only had he proven himself smarter than me, he had demonstrated that, regardless of how small or large his metaphorical or literal dick might be, he had balls of solid brass so large that they had their own gravitational field.
We all have preconceptions about how people from the distant past were. The overall assumption is that they were idiots who were bound by foolish superstitions and who couldn't handle any sort of math higher than two plus two. We forget that the distant past contains such notable figures as Plato, Aristotle, Cicero, Diogenes, and sundry others. You know, the guys who had more or less invented math and modern philosophy. And had done it inside their fucking heads. Likewise, the ancient world had a vast number of military geniuses, like Hannibal, Belisarius, and Sun Tzu. And then, there's the rulers...
Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, Mithridates the Sixth of Pontus, Vlad the Impaler, Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden, Attila the Hun. Great men, terrible men, heroes, villains, they are men whose names have been etched into very bedrock of history, from ancient manuscripts to the Badass of the Week website. Men that you underestimated at your peril. Men who had carved such reputations without any sort of magic or supernatural powers...
I had thought that my opponent was something like Skeletor, Gargamel, or Cobra Commander, when in fact he was someone in the same class as Count Dracula, Darth Vader, or Ronan the Accuser...
The suddenness of how thoroughly I had been outclassed had left me stunned. I might have spent hours in that stupor, were it not for the sudden noise that came from under the royal bed. Had I been in a rational mindset, I might have assumed that it was Leni, who had started hiding under the bed at Sombra's arrival, and would have been preparing to give her an earful as I tossed the bed aside. However, since I was too stunned to really think, I moved on autopilot. I stepped carefully past the unconscious six mares, and flipped the bed to one side, and was shocked by what I saw. The sight of Skyflower, trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey, ended up snapping me out of my mental daze.
I went to college, so I pride myself on being pretty bright. I figured out what had happened almost immediately: Leni had done as ordered. She had ensured the Skyflower remained safe, by taking her place...
I didn't say anything as I released Sky from her restraints. I'd planned on asking her about what had happened once she was completely free, but the instant her limbs were loose, she started hugging me tightly, her body trembling with shock. She had come within a hair's breadth of dying just a few seconds ago, so that kind of reaction was perfectly understandable, as were the tears running down her face.
And then, she started to tell me what Sombra had done, and threatened to do to the others in the room...
At that moment, I came to a resolution: I would not kill King Sombra. No, he must live. If possible, I would find a way for him to live forever. No amount of murdering could possibly kill him dead enough to satisfy me now. No amount of physical torture would be sufficient to express my absolute hatred and boundless contempt for him. Instead, I would drown him in an ocean of endless despair. All that he had tried to accomplish, I would not only undo, but would rub his face in the futility of his goals like I'd rub a naughty dog's nose in its own shit. All his plots, his schemes, his plans, I would destroy them all, and walk away from the burning remains while smoking a cigarette like a badass. I would murder his aspirations, shit on his hopes, and then wipe my ass with his dreams. When I was done, he would look upon the flaming wreckage that was once his life, and beg me to kill him, so that he might escape the hell that had become his new reality... and I would whisper, "Fuck you," and kick him in the balls as hard as I possibly could.
But first, I would need to find him...
--------------------------------------
An elderly unicorn gazed at a piece of glowing quartz crystal, as he stood in the remains of the ranger's deserted camp.
"I'll admit, it is an impressive little toy," said a voice nearby. "Especially since it was able to stymie even your best efforts until now."
Snorting the stallion replied, "The spell is almost ingenious in its simplicity. It would take an enchantment of almost limitless power to bar entry to all the alicorns that might exist, but since this enchantment is bound only to Celestia and Luna's true names, Sombra's little 'toy' can block their entry better than any force field I could ever have devised. In comparison, the anti-teleportation enchantment, one triggered whenever a distortion in space-time occurs that is not specifically in tune to this object's enchantment, is much more complex, yet uses so little power that an infant might manage it. A work of art to be envied, given that it is able to hinder the likes of Discord himself." With a sad chuckle, he added, "If Sombra had turned his talents towards good, rather than evil, he might have been the world's greatest hero. Instead, he's made everyone look a fool, myself included." With a flare of his horn, he shattered the crystal. "Come on, Scorpan. Let's go join the rest of the players in this game, and we'll see if we can salvage this mess before it gets any worse."
"I'm with you, Starswirl, as always."
--------------------------------------------
The master of chaos, it turned out, got lost very easily. Spending a lifetime eons long being dependent upon the ability to teleport at will had left the draconequus with a sense of direction that made Ryoga Hibiki look like Henry the Navigator. Sombra's magical signature had blanked out suddenly a few minutes ago, and with its sudden disappearance, Discord had been forced to travel blind... with embarrassing results. He'd already left the anti-teleportation field three times on accident, and was starting to get a little irritated. He swore, the first thing he'd do when he caught Sombra was give him an atomic wedgie. Well, first, he'd put underpants on the tyrant. Then he'd give that smug jerk a wedgie.
Discord had been moving at a fair clip, with a jet-assisted take off rocket strapped to his back, when he sensed the anti-teleportation field had finally dropped. Rolling his eyes, he muttered, "Finally..." He dismissed the rocket with a snap of his fingers, then landed on the ground. Well, now that he could teleport again, he could make his grand entrance. Smiling, he said, "Bibbidy..." and snapped his fingers again...
--------------------------------------------
Celestia and Luna had been struggling to remove Sombra's barrier. It was frustrating: Barriers like this very one had prevented the two sisters from bypassing Sombra altogether and simply collecting the Crystal Heart a thousand years ago. Had the two not been able to goad the tyrant out with taunts regarding his cowardice, they might have been stuck standing outside the Crystal Empire to this very day...
The princesses were given two sudden surprises: The first was the barrier suddenly going down on its own. The second? Discord suddenly appeared, placed a finger on each of the princesses, said, "Bobbity..." while the tuft of fur on his tail formed a hand-like shape and snapped its 'fingers', and the three of them vanished in a flash...
---------------------------------------------
"...BOO!!!"
Discord's sudden shout startled me, so much so that, had I not been embracing Skyflower, and not immediately recognized his voice, I might have punched him right in the face. As it was, I admit I jumped a good three feet into the air.
I was able to turn to face Discord just quick enough to see his shit-eating grin devolve into a look of shock and horror, as did the looks of the two winged unicorns he'd brought with him. Say what you will about Discord, though, he is quick on the uptake. "Sombra was here, wasn't he?"
Nodding, I said, "You missed him by about five minutes." Looking at the white and blue winged unicorns who were rushing to the sides of Twilight and her friends, I asked, "Princesses Celestia and Luna?"
The larger, white pony with the rainbow mane nodded as she breathed a sigh of relief, glad to see that the other ponies were unharmed. "Yes, Sir Conrad, you are correct." Her expression turning worried, she asked, "What happened here?"
Skyflower spoke up, releasing herself from the hug we'd shared and giving a bow. "King Sombra launched an attack, using his dark influence to force the rangers to lay siege to the hive. Conrad, believing Sombra would be out there, had one of the changelings lead myself, Twilight, and her friends here, to the most secure room in the hive. Sombra had set some sort of magical spy to watch for us, or at least me, and as soon as we appeared, he teleported in. Your student and her friends used the Elements of Harmony to try and thwart the tyrant, but Sombra was somehow able to instead use their power to restore himself to full strength. The changeling, a mare named Leni, took advantage of a momentary distraction, and swapped places with me. Sombra abducted her and left."
Luna, a little irritated, said, "You should have warned her, Celestia, that Sombra had a means of countering the power of the elements."
Looking as sad as pony could be, Celestia replied, "Yes, I should have. But then, we all had thought that we'd seen the last of him, so I had seen no reason to warn her." Shaking her head ruefully, she added, "My fears of repeating my mistakes with Sunset Shimmer have only caused me to make a newer, more terrible mistake."
"We can play the blame game later," I stated flatly. "Right now, Sombra has taken one of my vassals away, and is planning to do who-knows-what to her. I need to know where he is, what he's planning, and what it will take to stop him."
Skyflower spoke up again, saying, "He mentioned someone named 'Grogar' several times, and about offering up a soul to him in exchange for power. And when he left... I'd have sworn that he'd walked through a portal into Hades itself."
It should be impossible for a white-coated mare to turn pale, but Celestia went from an ordinary white to an almost neon white from shock as she whispered, "Grogar...?"
Discord, on the other hoof, just looked angry as he tended to Fluttershy. He was doing an amazing job, having apparently teleported from nowhere a full intensive care unit to tend to her. After a stern look from the princesses, Discord rolled his eyes, snapped his fingers, and summoned another five to tend to the others. Irritation coloring his voice, he asked, "That old goat is still around? I'd have thought that he'd have given up by now."
A voice from the entrance to the bedroom said, "You should know full well that 'old goat' will never give up." That voice... it sounded almost like Merlin from The Sword In The Stone....
Looking towards the doorway, I saw a pony who was dressed like a wizard. No, not like a wizard, but like a caricature of a wizard. No, a caricature of a caricature... with bells on! And a righteous beard sufficient to rival my own! He might have looked ridiculous, save for an almost tangible aura of power that seemed to radiate from him. He might have looked a little silly, but there was no mistaking it: This was a wizard of the highest order...
"Starswirl," Celestia whispered, her eyes wide in shock.
With a small bow, 'Starswirl' said, "I wish we might have met under better circumstances, your highness. It has been a long time. We have a great deal to discuss." Turning towards the doorway, he said, "Don't be shy, Scorpan. It's not like he'd be able to recognize you, anyways."
A creature walked in that... well, look, Scorpan is a whole new type of weird. I'm not going to waste everyone's time trying to describe him, anymore than I would Discord. Let's move on.
Celestia asked, "Where have you been all this time?"
-----------------------------------------
The short answer was, he was ensuring the safety of Equestria.
Think on this for a second: Tirek and Scorpan came from a land outside of Equestria, and between just the two of them, they were able to bring Equestria to almost absolute ruin. Just the two of them... from a race numbering in the tens of thousands, if not more. If their race decided to advance on Equestria en masse, there'd be no stopping them. So, after Tirek's defeat a thousand years ago, Starswirl the Bearded and Scorpan had departed, for the homeland of Tirek and Scorpan's people, in order to teach them about the magic of friendship.
It was not easy. It took nearly a thousand years before the magic of friendship reached one hundred percent saturation, but in the end, Starswirl succeeded. Tirek's people didn't need to come to Equestria in search of magic now: The power of friendship had provided them with all the magical energy that they would ever need.
And how had Starswirl lived so long?
-------------------------------------------
Half an hour later, after Twilight and her friends had recovered, and Ash, along with the rest of the hive, had been brought up to speed, we all gathered together around the meeting table in the throne room. Myself, Skyflower, Discord, Luna, Celestia, Twilight and her friends, and Ash sat around the table, while the rest of the hive watched us all with nervous anticipation.
Looking at Starswirl's wings with an expression of shock, Celestia exclaimed, 'You're an alicorn?!"
Shrugging, the elderly wizard said, "They just appeared one day while I wasn't paying attention. I couldn't tell you when they grew in. I was so busy, almost every day, trying to teach fellows who made Tirek seem like a saint that cultivating friendship was far better than robbing others of their magic. It was harder than you could ever imagine. I swear, if I had not had Scorpan around to demonstrate just how effective the power of friendship could be, I doubt I would have ever gotten through to them..."
"As interesting as that all is," I said, butting in, "We don't have time to catch up. Sombra kidnapped Leni, and while we're chit-chatting here..."
Starswirl interrupted my interruption, stating, "Your concern for those you lead does you credit, Conrad, but I can promise you this right now: Nothing will happen to Leni until after sunset, so we have hours yet."
Raising an eyebrow, I asked, "How can you be so sure?"
Looking grim, Scorpan said, "In order to attempt to make the trade he intends, Sombra will have to bring his offering to the ruins of Tambelon. However, Grogar, the being he must make the offering to, can only interact with the land of Equestria during the time when barrier between the world of light and the world of shadows is at its weakest: During the night."
Twilight raised her hoof, like a student nervous to question her teacher, but unable to contain her curiosity, and asked, "Just who is Grogar?"
Starswirl smiled at the winged unicorn, who seemed to have been struck by a bad case of hero worship, then said, "Grogar is perhaps one of the most evil beings to have ever lived. He is a master of fear and hatred, and a true virtuoso in the art of dark magic."
"Like Sombra?" Skyflower asked, her expression grim.
"Sombra is to Grogar what an acorn is to an oak tree," Starswirl said, plainly. "The powers that Sombra currently possesses are a combination of his own innate magical genius, and the boons of power that Grogar has granted him. Without the power that Grogar had granted him, Sombra would be a powerful wizard, but nowhere near as strong as he is now."
Applejack, surprisingly, asked the most important question of the day. "But why in tarnation would Grogar give Sombra power, and what does Skyflower have to do with all of this?"
"An excellent question," Scorpan said with a nod, then added, "And to understand the answer, a history lesson will need to be given."
-------------------------------------------
Long before the modern age, before the unification of ponykind, and before the time of the three conflicting nations, the land that would become known as Equestria had a different master. Before ponykind had split itself into three seperate tribes, the ancestors to the modern ponies were slaves to the empire of Tambelon. Grogar and his servants, the trogs, ruled the realm with an iron cloven hoof. His power was absolute, and none could stand against him...
And so it was for centuries, until one day, one of his slaves hatched a clever scheme: Grogar's dark powers stemmed from a magical relic he possessed, a bell that he always wore. The bell possessed the ability to pull power from the realm of shadows itself, the place where all dark magic originates. If such a small bell could bring him such tremendous power, why couldn't a second, larger, bell be made, one that, instead of drawing magic in, could force Grogar and his subjects away? Making a bargain with Discord, the slave was able to obtain the plans to create such a bell. In exchange, the ponies would leave the realm after their victory, allowing Discord complete dominance over the land.
A conspiracy was hatched, and shenaningans were performed. It took years, but eventually, the great bell of Tambelon was ensorcelled, so that when it was rung, it would banish the evil rulers of Tambelon to the realm of shadows for all eternity. Grogar became aware of the plot, and nearly succeeded in halting the plot, but at the last moment, he was hindered by Bray, his inept lieutenant, and his empire was undone.
In the aftermath, the ponies split into three groups, and headed for different lands. Over time, the magic of those lands changed the ponies, and pegasai, unicorns, and earth ponies were formed. Before long, the horrors of Tambelon were forgotten, and even the records of ponykind's common origins were lost. When the three races met again, thousands of years later, nopony remembered Tambelon...
But Grogar remembered. He was still trapped, and desired nothing more than to return, to reestablish his dominion over all of Equestria, and to make ponykind his slaves once more. The veil between the worlds of light and shadow can be thinned, if Equestria becomes a darker place. For that reason, Grogar summoned the Windigos to try and freeze Equestria. Had things gone a little differently, had the fires of friendship not blossomed when they had, Grogar would have already returned. Granting Sombra, a cruel, heartless, evil pony with incredible power was his next attempt at weakening Equestria enough to escape his prison...
----------------------------------------
"But while unaware of Grogar's true intentions, Sombra did not trust the old goat. While Grogar is known to never tell a lie, he will gladly twist his word so that he can take advantage of the shortsightedness of others. Sombra decided to be clever: He wrote a detailed contract in a dead language, thousands of pages long, and ensured that it would be ironclad without a single loophole. The gist of it? In exchange for the souls of those who share his bloodline, Grogar will grant Sombra power. When he approached Grogar, Sombra had a flawless bargain... or so he thought."
Starswirl shook his head sadly, and said, "Grogar has neither a use nor an interest in souls, so those that Sombra offered were immediately released to their final destination. However, in Sombra's sick and twisted mind, the goat saw the potential for a new darkness that could sweep over the land. A darkness born of ignorance, bigotry, paranoia, and hatred. First, Sombra would create a world dominated by 'pure' unicorns. And then those unicorns would fall to quarrelling over what 'purity' actually meant." Huffing in frustration, Starswirl added, "Just about any civilization that becomes obsessed with 'purity' ultimately falls into chaos and self-destruction. Pure alcohol burns. Pure arsenic kills. Pure potassium explodes. There are reasons why such things are not often found in nature. Almost everything that exists in this world is a blending of many things, and is often better for it: Alloys tend to be much stronger than their component materials."
"Ah, but I am going off on a rant. Returning to our original subject: Sombra's insanity was just the thing to plunge Equestria into an era of darkness sufficient to free the old goat, so Grogar decided to use Sombra, accepting his contract. The deal was not as foolproof as Sombra thought: If the tyrant proved incapable, there were a few things that Grogar knew that Sombra did not. Things that would allow Grogar to render the contract null and void, and inflict any punishment that he saw fit upon Sombra, if he should fail."
"What kind of things?" I asked, curious.
Looking over at Skyflower, Starswirl answered, "The fact that Skyflower does not share any blood with Sombra."
Had the circumstances been even slightly different, Sky's expression of shock would have been comical. "WHAT!?"
"Your mother was already a moon pregnant when she married your father," Starswirl admitted with a sad chuckle. "It wasn't all that uncommon back then, and it still isn't. Your parents were brought together as an arranged marriage, and prior to meeting her husband for the first time, she trysted with an earth pony that she had met while escorting her father on a diplomatic venture a short time earlier. While she came to love her husband a great deal, you are not his daughter, and the fact that you share a color scheme with Sombra is just the result of random chance, not any blood relation to him."
While Skyflower was rocked by that little revelation, Twilight asked, "So, even if Sombra had the real Skyflower to offer, Grogar would still be able to go back on his deal."
"Exactly," Starswirl said with a nod. "And after a thousand years of inaction, combined with not one, but two defeats, Grogar will be eager to do away with his pawn, and reclaim the power that he had granted Sombra."
"And what will happen to Leni?" Ash asked, gravely concerned.
Discord, with a snort of disgust, said, "Odds are, he'll just kill her and be done with it. Grogar was well known for being a cold-hearted monster, long before his imprisonment. The eons have not sweetened his disposition in the slightest."
Crossing my arms over my chest, I said, "Then we'll need to nip that in the bud. Where's Sombra right now? If we can stop him before he even goes to Tambelon, then we'll have nothing to worry about."
Shaking his head, Starswirl said, "Sombra has retreated to Hades, the one place no creature with a good heart may easily enter, to wait for sunset. By the time we could manage to enter that realm, the sun will have set and then risen again a dozen times. I'm sorry to say, the only way to stop him is to confront him, and Grogar, at the ruins of Tambelon tonight. However, you will not be able to face Grogar in a direct confrontation. His power is too great. In a battle, he'd annihilate you, even with Discord and all the alicorns in the world at your side." A sly look crossed his face, and the wizard added, "But Grogar is quite prideful. If you were to challenge him to a contest, one that did not rely on strength or magical power, with Leni's fate on the line, then you might have a chance at victory. Grogar does not go back on his word."
Curious, I asked, mostly to myself, "But what could we challenge him to?"
Smiling, Discord said in a sing-song voice, "'The wizard and the demon had a battle royale; the demon almost killed him with an evil kapow. But then he broke his tooth and thus the demon said 'ow'...'"
I was stunned for a moment there, I admit. I have no idea how Discord seems to know so much about my world, and I'm almost afraid to ask him, but I have to admit, it was the perfect idea. "Do you really think that could work?"
With a wicked chuckle, the draconequus asked, "Can you think of anything better?"
Rarity, confused, asked, "What does that mean, exactly?"
Pinkie Pie raised her foreleg and waved it enthusiastically, and said, "Oh, oh, I know! It's a reference to a movie called The Pick Of Destiny, and at the end..."
Discord snapped his fingers, and Pinkie's mouth suddenly zipped shut. Tut-tutting, Discord said, "Now, now, no one likes spoilers. Don't ruin the ending for everyone who hasn't seen it, Pinkie." After a moment, Pinkie nodded. With another snap, Pinkie's mouth returned.
Yeah, I don't know how Pinkie Pie knows about The Pick Of Destiny, either. I could do an eight thousand page doctoral thesis on just how impossible that little pink pony is, and still only scratch the surface of the weirdness of The Pink One. I honestly wonder, sometimes, if Equestria is somehow caught in the Matrix, and Pinkie Pie is the only one who knows it...
"Well, we have the beginnings of a plan," I admitted, "but I don't think Grogar will accept a challenge unless we can offer him something that he wants."
"I think Discord might have something," Celestia said, smiling slightly.
Surprised, I asked, "What?"
Looking a little embarrassed, the draconequus admitted, "I helped banish him once, if you'll recall. I do happen to have a little something that could allow Grogar to escape his imprisonment... or put him back in if need be. I kept it around mostly because it amused me. After all, who'd ever imagine that the fate of the world could rest upon the possession of a kazoo..."
Her eyes widening in shock, Luna exclaimed, "The Kazoo Of Wonders? It's real?"
Rolling his eyes, Discord said, "Of course it is. I created it!" At her surprised expression, he explained, "Do you really think that anyone else in Equestria could ever have made something so ridiculous?"
Raising an eyebrow in amusement, I said, "So, we're going to go to the ruins of Tambelon to challenge Goat-Satan to a... competition, with the life of a changeling and the world's most ridiculous magical instrument on the line, in a battle that might decide the fate of Equestria for generations to come?"
"Second most ridiculous," Twilight Sparkle said, suddenly.
Confused, I asked, "What?"
"The Kazoo Of Wonders is widely regarded as the second most ridiculous magical musical instrument ever created. It is considered third in some circles, but only if one considers a magical kazoo less ridiculous than a magical fluglehorn. The Bagpipes Of Flatulence are universally regarded as the most ridiculous musical instrument to have ever been created, and has been since their appearance one thousand, two hundred, thirty-seven years ago." It sounds bizarre, but Twilight seemed pleased to have been able to recite that from memory.
"One of my more inspired creations, I admit," Discord announced, proudly.
I love Equestria so fucking much.
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NEW CHAPTER UP!!!
Soon, it shall be time....for a rock-off.
Don't throw the horns, "Tirek" already has plenty.
derpicdn.net/img/2014/5/26/637000/full.png
I just love mixing Gen4 with it's predecessors. And you do it so well.
I should've seen that pick of destiny reference coming.
That does sound like something Discord would dream up.
Hey, now I have more fleshing out for my potential fanfic about the defeat of Sombra via Wise-Cracking Mule Armed With Magical Kazoo.
fbcdn-profile-a.akamaihd.net/hprofile-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-1/c2.0.160.160/p160x160/1531804_341525192651904_2094529072_n.jpg?oh=dd3c174cdf0944a075aaf2d88c1da723&oe=556C2EB9&__gda__=1435886235_85c1226258aa6c60b0e843840ca74655
You go, Starswirl.
Ryoga, the only guy that could get lost in China when navigating Japan.
The Bagpipes Of Flatulence
only discord could turn farts into a kind of music
I want a Bagpipe Of Flatulence,
NAOW!!
Randomness aside, very nice chapter. I think most people here had guessed that it was Starswirl (I think, I really didn't read the comments)
And I believe that I speak with everyone when I say that I can't wait to see Emperor Kickass McAwsometown face off against Grogar and Sombra
Oh sweet baby Buddha. A guitar hero duel for the fate of Equestria?
5597167
I LOVE IT!
There is nothing about this story that I have not just adored.
PRAISE BE TO THE AUTHOR!
(and to comedy)
soooo,
did anyone else read it in the narrators voice from hitchhikers guide to the galaxy?
awesome
Well thanks for spoiling the ending! CURSE YOUUUUUUUUUU!
112 LIVE READERS!? HOLY SHIT
5597167
Hang on, didn't Skyflower have to wear makeup or something because she looked like Sombra (due to Sombra's brother being her father)? But this just said Skyflower isn't related to him...
I history-geek-gasmed when you listed all of those military genius'.
5597256
Any time someone goes on about purity in a story, I'm reminded of the fate of the Highbreed in Ben 10: A race so obsessed with 'purity' that they inbred themselves into absolute sterility, and while physically mighty, were extremely susceptible to disease and infection. Their insane obsession with purity nearly wiped out their entire species.
Likewise, a lot of royal and aristocratic families became so obsessed with keeping their bloodlines 'pure' that they ended up being more inbred than any stereotypical redneck family could ever be, and insanity, mental disorders, and rare hereditary illnesses are more common among many families than things like blue eyes or a roman nose. (Okay, maybe an exaggeration, but I'm on a roll here).
Long story short, purity is for suckers. You can keep your purebred dogs with their vast multitudes of health problems and bad tempers. I'll take an affectionate, healthy mutt any day of the week.
5597328
Her mother had a black mane and tail, her grandmother had red eyes, and her biological father had a gray coat. She just happened to inherit the right qualities to look like a female Sombra.
Awesome
Speaking of magic kazoos, when do we get to read the 3-day war? 
OH. MY. GOD. Are we doing this? Are we really doing this?
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/rock.gif
YES! YES! SO MUCH YES!
5597329
I'm a bit of a history buff
I love this story!
5597338
I'm reminded of a Babylon 5 episode called "Infection."
In it, a species called the Ikarrans was repeatedly invaded, and so they created powerful sentient biotech artifacts which bonded with a host to create living superweapons capable of independent thought and adapting to new situations. To ensure the weapons wouldn't be subverted, they were designed not to be used by anyone that wasn't a 'pure' Ikarran.
However, their definition of a 'pure' Ikarran was based on the ideology of religious fanatics, military extremists, and xenophobic politicians. When they were deployed in another invasion and defeated the invaders, they wiped out all of the Ikarrans themselves, as none of them were 'pure' enough to fit those parameters.
I'm quite certain, sir, that you did not mean to blow my mind.
5597271
same here.
5597296
I'm not ashamed to say yes to that.
5597293
May the author never falter...Amen
So, is the internet ready for the story of the wise cracking mule who defeated Sombra with what we now know as the Kazoo of Wonders now? Also, Twilight seems a bit too calm in regards to the fact that Starswirl the Bearded is standing right in front of her. I get the feeling she freaked out upon waking up, but not having that freak out makes her a bit too OOC.
We challenge youuuu to a rockooooff!
Give us one chance to rock your socks off....
… Bagpipes… of Flatulence…
You are my new best friend. Who needs alcohol when I have you?
So. Somebody is screwed. I know it's going to be Grogar.
5597498 This is beautiful.
5597279 Look up Mr. Methane
Shit, grogar is overpowered.
but, what if jnstead of darkness, an alicorn had access to all the power in the realm of light?
seems like there should be a creature like that...
I quite agree with Conrad's statement there at the end. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
Well done with this.
Starswirl shows up as full "Does everything wizard brain", the guy who is supposed to have never been able to learn the magic of friendship, and it's stopped being funny.
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Got it.
Glorious, just fucking glorious. Whatever song you choose to challenge grogar with, let it be epic!!!!!!!
GODS I LOVE THIS!
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In G1, he was considered the second most evil being, beaten only by Tirek, and was considered amongst the most powerful villains in the series. So, he's kinda like G1's version of Sombra, except with more screen time.
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tirek beat him, yet conrad and all the alicorns would have no chance...seems op to me.
2op4me.
Characters like grogar are annoying.
Also, you are very informative.
Some lf those things in history I didn't know either.
A... kazoo.... ok. well you learn something new everyday.
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5597498
ME: Is that a PoD reference? keeps reading Yes, Yes it is
Poor Scorpan, just sitting there quietly while the ponies talk...
5597636 THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!
...yeah, not classic Gurren Lagaan, but if you want to do something truly epic, and not overdone, here ya go. Also...yeah, do I even need to say it?
Conrad is gunna Giga Drill Break a bitch!!!
And if not, ok...but seriously, he should do so! it'd be so damned epic!!
Congrats, Conrad, for now officially being a brony... as that statement goes through our minds on a daily basis.
Nice reference to Ranma 1/2.
Ooh, this is gonna be good.
FFFFFUCK you. As a writer, writing this, that's your god damned job. TO DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER.
Argh, I'm so angry and upset and argleflargleblaarrgh.
So, Tirek v Grogar in an epic guitar battle for the future of Equestria, huh?
I like it.
(Guitar battle is what you're talking about, right? With the Tenacious D reference...)