Prologue: Stranger-Than-Usual Things are Happening
Ponies and the Protagonists
Prologue
Stranger-Than-Usual Things are Happening
The weather scheduled for that day in Equestria was overcast with a brisk wind, muting the sunlight as ponies trotted briskly along the cobblestone streets of Canterlot. While there was no rain planned for that day, there was a storm planned for the following one, so the citizens were busily trying to run their errands while there was still time. Nopony liked being caught in the rain, especially the socialites of Equestria’s capital.
The gloomy, overcast skies only dampened the demeanor of Princess Celestia, who had looked out the window to find solace from the throne room’s distressful atmosphere.
"Your Highness, we have more news about the events at the Everfree Forest!"
Two members of the Canterlot Royal Guard raced into the grand throne room, gold horseshoes clanging on the pristine marble floor.
"What is it?" Princess Celestia sat atop her ornate throne, head drooping slightly. She hadn't slept ever since the first sightings, and since then, reports had been flooding in. She was utterly confused about what exactly these reports even meant. While the descriptions of the creatures varied, they all told the same story: one of watching and waiting. Even with Luna’s help in poring over books describing all sorts of magical and non-magical creatures, she had found nothing.
Luna. A wave of relief suddenly washed over Celestia. She was so glad that her sister had returned to her, especially now. She wasn't sure what she would do without her by her side.
"Your Highness," the guard’s voice jolted Celestia from her thoughts. One of the unicorns pulled a scroll from his saddlebag, which Celestia quickly took hold of with her magic. Pulling away the ribbon and unrolling the paper, she calmly began to read the letter. As she read, however, shock, confusion, and rage quickly dawned on the alicorns expression.
"Send the Royal Guard to Ponyville at once!" Celestia's voice was hard as she finished the letter and tossed it aside. She rose to her full height, ferocity in her gaze. "We can't let this happen again."
"Right away, your Majesty."
With that, the guards galloped back out of the throne room. Celestia trembled, her legs straining to support her until they finally gave way as the doors closed with a dull boom. However, she then heard was the soft click of hooves on marble. She began to straighten back up again, until she saw who it was.
"I hope the news is not too bad, sister," Princess Luna regarded her sister with a sympathetic gaze. Celestia stood and gave a sigh.
"I wish I could say that, sister," Celestia responded, walking towards her sister. "Mayor Mare says that the strange creatures have finally attacked. There have not been any casualties, but ponies are injured, and some of them are missing."
Luna gazed seemingly calmly out the window, but the trembling of her hooves told another story. "Did she say anything else?"
"Unfortunately, yes. It seems that, somehow, the creatures speak our language. They left us a message."
Luna shivered at Celestia's frightened gaze. "What did it say?"
"Just three words. 'Surrender, or die.’"
“May I see the report?” Luna asked, thoughts already whirling around in her head. Celestia nodded, levitating the scroll from where it had been unceremoniously flung towards her sister. Seizing it with her magic, Luna began to read aloud to herself.
“Few in numbers… strange weapons with magic-like properties… caused severe damage to buildings, yet minimal damage to ponies… this is most strange.”
Luna levitated the scroll back towards her sister. She gazed at the window again, but she wasn't looking out onto the castle grounds. "It seems, dear sister, that we have a war on our hooves. The question is: Are we prepared for it?"
"We can only hope, Luna. We can only hope."
"I hope Princess Twilight and her friends are up to the task,” Luna said.
“They have to; surely there was nothing more terrible facing Equestria than—it,"
Twilight Sparkle stood on the grounds of Sweet Apple Acres, looking out at the sun setting on the poor town she called home. Ponyville had taken a few knocks before, but somehow this damage seemed more… malevolent. Almost all the roofs were blackened where those... things had set fire to them. The newly created castle, which was only about a month old, was visibly chipped and cracked, even from the farm. The Carousel Boutique's windows were shattered, and part of the roof had caved in. Twilight thanked Celestia that nopony had died in the attack, brutal as it was, although there were plenty of injuries that needed attending to. It was good the farm had been ignored, as there was still some shelter left. The alicorn sighed, her gaze becoming unfocused as she lost herself in thought.
"Hey, Twilight." Twilight jumped. As she turned around, she was still amazed that somepony as large as Spike was now could be so silent. And he was large. After she had gotten over the strange dragon-growth magic Zecora had informed her of, she began to really see how big he was. He stood now on all fours, and was good bit taller than Twilight even while doing this. His new purple wings were tucked against his back, but now opened up in a majestic stretch.
"Are you okay?" The dragon frowned as he looked Twilight in the face. He'd spent enough time as her assistant to tell when she was worried.
"I just-I just never expected this. Any of this. It came out of the blue, and so far we have no idea who was behind it. Discord's been reformed, Nightmare Moon is gone, Sombra and Tirek have both been banished, and Queen Chrysalis hasn't been heard of since her failed invasion. Besides, the creatures obviously weren't Changelings. Most of these things looked nothing like ponies."
Twilight had begun to pace nervously as she spoke. Spike laid his long tail in front of her, stopping Twilight in her tracks.
"Twilight, you're going to wear a hole in the ground. Again. Just relax; we'll get through this, you'll see."
The alicorn took a deep breath. "You're right, Spike. C'mon, let's join the others."
Both of them turned and began walking towards the farmhouse Applejack and her family now called home. Pushing through the apple trees, they were greeted with the sight of the Ponyville residents camped out in the field. Near the barn were Applejack, Fluttershy and the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were helping patch up those who were injured in the attack.
"Yo, Twilight, over here!" Twilight turned to see Rainbow Dash waving at her. Sitting next to her were Rarity and Pinkie Pie, the latter with her small green crocodile, Gummy, latched onto her fluffy, pink tail.
"We've been waiting forever, darling," While addressed to both Twilight and Spike, Rarity's "darling" seemed more directed at the dragon who had now seated himself by her side. Spike's scales briefly flushed red as Rarity smiled at him.
"Aaaaanyways," Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes at the cheesy scene. "We wanted to talk about those weird bug monsters that attacked last night. You know, the ones whose butts I totally kicked!"
"Ah, hay. You fought two of ‘em, Rainbow. Ah'd like to see you take four ah them things on at once, like Spike here." Applejack and Fluttershy had finished bandaging up the last pony and had come over to join them. Spike had ended up being invaluable during the attack; his size and strength allowed him to quickly fend off the party of raiders.
“And whaddya mean “bug” monsters? The ones Ah saw were weird and piggy-like.”
"Yeah, well Spike's huge! He could probably fight off a Manticore, no sweat!" argued Rainbow Dash, "and at least I was useful and fought the weirdo bug things. How many did you fight? That's right, zero!"
"Ah could'ave beaten twenty ah those things if I hadn't been leading the town to safety!"
Spike’s huge tail smashed down into the ground between the arguing ponies. Glaring, he hissed at the two friends, who stared back in surprise.
“Why are we arguing?” Twilight asked with a hint of panic in her voice. “We need to focus on fighting those strange creatures, whatever they looked like, and not each other. Form a plan an— Pinkie, what are you doing?"
Twilight's speech was interrupted by the sight of Pinkie shaking an empty red-and-white striped popcorn bag.
"Aw, just as it was getting to the good part, too." The pink pony tossed the bag aside.
"Ahem, anyway," Twilight continued, "We need to form a plan. The message the Crusaders found in the fountain made it very clear that this is going to happen again. We have to think of a way to defend ourselves."
"Princess Twilight!"
The alicorn paused. Looking behind her, she saw a Royal Guard unicorn running towards her.
"Your Highness,” the guard snapped a salute, “Princess Celestia has ordered the Royal Guard to set up a military outpost with which to combat the creatures emerging from the Forest. We need someone who knows the area well so we can entrench ourselves to the best of our ability."
Momentarily caught off guard by the abrupt greeting, Twilight shook her head. "Of course. Mayor Mare is very familiar with the surrounding area. She can probably help you, or at least direct you to a map of Ponyville.”
“Right away.” Raising his hoof in another smart salute, the guard member quickly galloped off to find the mayor.
"Um, Twilight, do you really think we'll be okay? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking," Fluttershy quietly asked.
"Yes, I do. But we are going to need some help," Twilight stood, shaking her head. “What we really need though is a miracle.”
"What kinda help? We've saved Equestria countless times," Applejack wondered.
"Actually, it's more like five. See: 1,2,3,4,5!" Pinkie exclaimed as she held five hooves in front of her.
Twilight continued on. She'd learned not to question how Pinkie did the things she did. "I don't know. But one thing's for sure: these monsters aren't from around here. Hopefully somepony out there knows enough about these monsters to fight them."
"Maybe they'll be a hero too, like you guys. Or even a superhero like the Power Ponies," Spike's tail twitched at the prospect.
"Don’t be ridiculous. There aren’t any real superheroes. But it would be nice if these ponies—if they even exist—got here soon."
Twilight glanced up and saw, to her surprise, the moon. She hadn't realized it had gotten so late. She felt Applejack nudge her shoulder.
"We better hit the hay. All y'all wanna join me in the house?"
The five ponies nodded. The ponies trudged towards the house, but Twilight looked back, looking out at the town as the last rays of sunlight disappeared behind the horizon.
"How did we ever get into this mess?" she sighed before turning and shutting the door behind her.
Just as she shut the door, strange lights began to emanate from the Everfree Forest, transforming the night sky into an Aurora Borealis.
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You have attracted my attention. Show me more and you might recive my fav...
Hooray, Yay!
...
This should be entertaining... or something...
But in all seriousness, I'm looking forward to more.
I'm surprised this isn't more popular, it's such a great story! The grammar, pacing, spacing, and details are all very well done! I can't wait to read more!
I demand you update this soon.
5562775 I hope so. I like Smash Bros. logic.
For the uninitiated, that means "anything goes, as long as the resulting fight is cool". And oh yes is there coolness potential here.
I have begun writing the official first chapter, however school and blargh is taking up a lot of time. It will take a little time.
Also, maybe not as much "Smash Logic," but you are in store for explosive amounts of Nintendo awesome.
5563490 Yes! Everything yes!
You have my full attention my friend if I could give you more likes i would but for now, have a 'stache
Ps. Is it going to be Link model from Hyrule Warriors and Sammus from Other M?
Pss. Is Kirby going to eat Pinkie at some point? (please say yes!)
Psss. Are the Silent ones gonna talk?
Pssss. Thats all :D keep it up!!
I am okay with this, but i hope Spike doesn´t start to be the grown up of the group and decide when anyone can do what they want. I mean not that he starts to stop everyone, as long as they do something he thinks could be bad, if you know what i mean. I think Twilight has to say more.
I know i say to much already, but i am just affraid, what could happen with big Spike here. I don´t want Rainbow or Applejack being affraid of him or just stop everytime he does something like this.
Long story short, i think what i want to say is, i hope Spike don´t get to much controle of the group. He is maybe bigger now, but i don´t think he should suddenly get to much authority, even if he is really together with Rarity.
5563884 Oh. Okay. Um, that's awesome too. Excuse my brain derp.
You sir, have caught my attention
5563849 It's not a matter of authority; Spike was simply breaking up an argument. Twilight would have done the same if she had gotten there first.
THIS IS AS AWESOME AS CHOCOLATE MILK .~PinkiePie
THIS IS AS AWESOME AS CHOCOLATE MILK ~ Pinkie Pie.
5563935 The fighting will (hopefully) be really cool, but I also want my story to have some real substance and not just be "Fight scene, boring filler, fight scene"
Hmm, somewhat vague. But that's to be expected, considering that the story has only just begun, thus making it rather unwise to reveal too many details right away. I'll keep an eye on this for now.
I was very afraid to read this story and find a rushed work from a 10 year old. However, this is not the case.
The narration, the pacing, the grammar; everything is extremely competent. This is a good work of fanfiction.
If I had to point out something I'd find jarring, would be the formating: while there are clearly a separation between paragraphs, there's nothing else to indicate such. You should probably add a line between each paragraph, including dialogues, in order to facilitate the reading of the chapter. I've noticed that there are "double spaces" between words, and while it isn't really an issue, it can be fixed too.
As for the story itself, the setting that this chapter explained is kinda ambiguous for those who didn't read the story description, with no glances as to what these creatures look like or a description of them. I usually prefer stories to start when things begin to happen, but here, the narration starting afterwards, is effective, because it helps the plot move forward quickier than with 5-6 paragraphs of build-up and then the ensuing action.
However, I didn't like how in the end of the chapter Twilight was all like "Genre Savy". It enters in conflict with the situation at hand, where nopony has any idea of what is happening. Twilight hoping for "A group of heroes" to appear is oddly especific, and very unlikely to cross her thoughts, since she's on the dark about everything; how can she deduce that these invaders already have an enemy that are going to come and stop them from invading Equestria?
It feels as if you are explicitly telling the readers what is going to happen. That is a no-no of story-telling. Readers should be intrigued, they should be able to make the questions so that they can learn the answers after, not the other way around. You are taking away the surprise from the story, and in a painful way at that.
If you want a more concrete proof, there's the last line:
You are explicitly telling the readers that the villains have just arrived Equestria and that they're going to appear on the next chapter.
I'm sorry for this rant, but I liked the rest of the chapter and want to see more of this story; I'd strongly suggest to give a look at this issue, since this story has a lot of potential; You did everything else right so far, so this shouldn't be a problem.
Peace.
HSXI
5614578 Thank you for the wonderful feedback. I'll probably go on an editing spree at some point. And thank you for the compliment on the overall storytelling. Frankly, you should have seen it before the editor took a pass. It was mostly small things, but they probably would have driven you bonkers :P
Honestly, the funniest thing about the featured in list is that every single group it's featured in was featured by someone else :P
Nice re-edit. There's still the issue about Twilight being genre-savy, but I can ignore it if we assume that she came to the conclusion that this creatures come from another dimension because they are nothing like what Equestria has ever seen before. But I find no way to justificate why she belives that "heroes" will come to help them.
5914925 It ain't heroes, it's just someone who knows something, anything about the monsters. Not to deal with them, but just to learn about them.
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Are you going to continue this story?
Just found this fic, hoping for some Sub-Space Emmisary magnitude of awesome.