It's okay, I guess. A few missing pieces of punctuation, and I'm not much on spelling. Tracking.

>>523963523963

thank you...though I must ask where you see the missing punctuation, and trust me, I've noticed some typos myself and shall make appropriate edits. My only excuse is that I wrote this capter while getting slapped and stapled, so I may have missed a few details.

>>527082527082 No problem! If you read it back, you are missing speech marks (") and awkward moments where a comma is at the end of speech when something such as a (?) would be more appropriate. Example:

Have a good sleep last night,”

Needs (") and a (?) in my opinion. There are probably more, but I'm sure you could find the rest. I'm kinda tired.

>>528599528599

thanks, although I'm a bit confused, mainly because of the quote you used, considering the fact that it's only part of one sentence in general, wouldn't the comma be more appropriate?

I'm reading this and I'm going to make comments as I go along:

Pre-triple asterisk break

-Paragraph 3, line 2: "Her eyes were slow to adjust to the dim light of the sun" I may be mistaking your intent with these words, but I'm assuming you mean that she's adjusting to the dimness of the light and not the brilliance of the light. She has been sleeping in the darkness of her eyelids all this time, so to say that she's trying to see more light doesn't make logical sense.

-Paragraph 4, line 2: "which seemed to fail at blocking sunlight very well at all." Awkward sentence phrasing

-Paragraph 8, line 2: "(the local alcoholic drink of choice,) but" Comma should go outside the parenthesis

-Paragraph 8, line 5: "Rainbow had made to help her friend up" I'm pretty sure that you wanted to use "meant" and not "made" here

-Paragraph 9, line 1: "Have a good sleep last night,” Replace the comma with a question mark. You should realize that the words following this are actually a separate sentence.

-Paragraph 9, line 2: "upon the Cyan one’s face,"  "Cyan" should not be capitalized

-Paragraph 10, line 1,2: “You remember last night,” Replace the comma with a question mark. Henceforth I will not make this same comment again, and I advise you to check for this error.

"Twilight seemed…odd"  The ellipsis should be separated by spaces. This is both grammatically correct and lengthens the text so it let's the reader feel the pause rather than just imagine it.

"to say the least the night before." Rephrase to "the night before to say the least"

-Paragraph 11, line 1: "answered, 'of course silly, what ... when I want to." should read "answered 'Of course silly. What ... when I want to?"

-Paragraph 12, line 1: "But, all the…things…we did last night" Ellipsis spacing error again. I won't draw your attention to this sort of error anymore and you'll have to search for it

-Paragraph 12, line 2: "mare, she actually liked that, it" run on sentence

-Paragraph 12, line 3: "friends; just as well," run on sentence

-Paragraph 13, line 1: "Rainbow followed suit, an" run on sentence

-Paragraph 13, line 2: "she watched Twilight, waiting for a reply." Change the comma to a semicolon

-Paragraph 14, line 1: "Rainbow eyed her nervously, unsure as" Change the comma to a semicolon Henceforth I won't note comma/semicolon errors

-Paragraph 15, line 1: "In any other situation Twilight" Insert a comma after "situation"

-Paragraph 16, line 1: "glaring at the overly cheerful Unicorn, 'you" Run on sentence and "you" should be capitalized. Henceforth I won't draw your attention to capitalization errors within parentheses

-Paragraph 16, line 2,3: "brush it off like it’s nothing, it’s just not right, it’s just not you.” Run on sentence. Henceforth I'm not going to point out run-ons

-Paragraph 17, line 1: "dragon scribe" needs a hyphen

-Paragraph 21, line 3:  I’ve done this with.” I suppose it may be fine here, but generally in formal writing one should not end a sentence with a preposition

"Rainbow Dash hung her head in shame, she felt like trash saying that." part should read "trash for saying that." (one last time: it's a run on)

-Paragraph 23, line 1: "when I feel anything for someone," This isn't a humanized story, so for immersion's sake I suggest using "somepony"

-Paragraph 24, line 5: "her friends never seemed to see her in: sorrow." Change the colon to a comma

-Paragraph 26, line 1: "get things ready for the Summer Sun Festival" Unless you're speaking of something different, the big event where Celestia raises the sun in public is the "Summer-Sun Celebration."

-Paragraph 30, line 1: "And I would do it again, Rainbow Dash ... Rainbow Dash'" Opening quotation mark needed. Also, double usage of the same word or name in short succession is considered distasteful unless you really want to draw attention to it.

Post-triple asterisk break

Paragraph 1, Line 1: "being so far deep" the usage of both "far" and "deep" is redundant. Choose only one.

Paragraph 1, Line 2: "lyre playing" Hyphen needed. Henceforth I won't drawn attention to this sort of error

Criticism:

This was well written for a romance thus far; granting you the license to change Twilight's character so long as you're making it obvious that you know she wouldn't act this way in the canon. Other than an abundance of grammatical errors I had a hard time finding much to say.  Given also that Lyra and Bob-Bon are side character's with no canon character development beyond speculation, I can't say too much about them. I suppose your analysis in defining "Loyalty" is unique as far as I've seen. Also, I'm not sure how the "alternate universe" tag fits in. I can't think of much else now, but I'll come back to it if and when I find some proper criticism.

>>528679528679 By "part of one sentence", do you mean that it is only part of that chunk (lol) of writing? I guess you could keep the comma, but I have this weird need for everything to be perfect in my eyes. Then again, there is nothing wrong with having "Have a good sleep last night?" Twilight inquired instead, eh?

But I guess the big issue is the (")'s. Everything else is just me being "different", lets say XD

Edit: Listen to Ponysopher. He/she is probably better than me, because I am (and this is put gently)... rubbish.

>>528702528702

Holy cow that was a lot, I'll have to get to working on fixing those when I get the chance, although I was sure those you said needed Question marks were correct, because of the fact that the text afterward was related to it.

I.E. "What was that about," Fluttersh asked nevously.

wouldn't that be the correct grammer, that's the way my Creative Writing teacher and all of my English teachers have taught me. . .

>>528708528708

I guess, it's just confusing seeing as how I've been taught to write differently for 12 years now...makes me feel. . . sad

>>528729528729

What is in quotations and what is outside quotations are considered separate entities. It is for that reason that you capitalize the first letter of a quote midway into a sentence. They are separate, so the entity should end with an ending punctuation. (i.e, a question mark or period).

I've always been told not to capitalize quotes midway because they are the same entity, but after analyzing a page from Order of the Pheonix, I see it differently, other than that. Thanks.

>>528755528755

>>528740528740 Nothing to be sad about! You write how you write, nothing to be upset over.

>>528791528791

still, just makes me feel plain weird, I've been writing this way for a while now, feels odd being told I'm doing it wrong fluttercry:

>>530853530853 Whoa, I wouldn't say your writing is wrong. It's just not the way I've been taught, and I tend to take a while to adjust to reading a different style (i'm a picky reader!).

Ok guys, thanks for your input. It's much appreciated, I have taken into account your suggestions and edited accordingly.

love triangles.

I love this! Lesbian love stories lol

>>539028539028

Oh, it's about to get a lot worse. . .AJ will have an. . interesting. . .story to say the least.

So is this gonna be the whole story cause i was kinda hoping for stories about everypony (and Spike) that happened at the same time and/or played off of each other, that kinda thing. That's what the description reads and i just wanna make sure that's the plan here (which i believe it is but knowing beats believing's ass) cause if its gonna just be about Rainbow's, Twi,'s and a none to pleased AJ's romantic happenings that's fine but its not really something I'm interested in reading at this moment.

I will however say this a shit storm is a brewing.

>>539170539170

It's gonna be exactly like that (your first observation.), this first story is kind of a prelude, setting up for stories to come by introducing characters involved, after that, there will be many sequels that focus on certain characters, up until the first climax when I plan a big reveal, but I've said too much.

As River Song says, spoilers.

>>539187539187 alrighty just wanted to make sure i knew what i was getting into before I got 5 chapters in and was stuck thinking "this is not what i signed up for". Damn you dirty mind and your constant first thought when you read climax.

anyways, i don't really think you spoiled anything it was just vague enough to understand the plot flow without giving any real details. I shall await more

yeah, I'll try to get more in about other characters (specifically Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity) soon. be patient, the storm that is Applejack must set the story at it's proper pace.

>>539236539236

>>539254539254 I'm going to guess that the story has something to do with the mare that shall not be named from the first chapter.

>>5393053930

Mare that shall not be named, there were two that weren't named, but no, it's not, there is a villain throughout the series, but she's not ready to be revealed yet, not in this story at least. The mares who are unnamed are actually Applejack and Pinkie, but I kept Lyra and Bon-Bon from saying their names directly for more suspense.

I can't stop laughing! DVWAEGAWRFfsbas!

Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/65894a845b95adcf0f605760279dbe32/75622%20-%20animated%20laughing%20rainbow_dash%20shadowbolts.gif

>>540132540132

I must ask why...

>>540370540370 Honestly I don't know.

>>540398540398

Blame the ider, always the cider.

good job Rarity

>>543400543400

you have won an internet for that in my opinion.

Loved it ! Totally called the whole Appledash thing though... but still awesome so heres a mustauche

>>543433543433

lol, I thought people would hate me for how I wrote her, glad to see they like it. I'm waiting for you all to guess the mystery mare, though it's probably obvious.

>>543449543449 hmmmm, it's FlutterShy!!!! Keep it up man, this is going to be so awesome!

Moar! Do it naow!

>>543803543803

unfortunately I can't for a while, I have Prom this weekend, and graduation/Last school week stuff to do all week, if I can get a chapter done it will be a miracle.

>>544498544498

my sentiments exactly

fun fact, I almost added," Because that's my job," to Rarity's last line, but it didn't fit in the grand scheme of things

>>544673544673 What?! That would have been better and more funny!

>>544699544699

But it would be a bit OOC considering her role later in the series

btw, I'm toying with the idea of submitting this to EQD if I get enough favs/thumbs up, think it could get in.

>>544724544724 I think it will get in! I mean there's TwiDash, mad Applejack, and Rarity and her secret lover! It's the perfect story! Not to mention blushy Rainbow Dash!

>>544890544890

And the villains coming soon, and the doctor, and a certain Captain of Torchooves

>>545025545025 YES!

Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/85f8b83e512607a90842a416bcd1dcc4/112057%20-%20animated%20pinkie_pie.gif

Lol, reminds me, I should get to drawing my draft of the good Captain Jack Haykness (what a punny name lol)

>>545050545050

Yay, Rarity did something I liked in a story for once, maybe she will be like the... 'Good pony.'

>>545794545794

Quite the good pony. . .

OM celestia

Only the sweetest candy maker in all of town and her musical angel could give her the help she needed.

Writing in this dramatic style is cool. With internal monologue, you also have to keep in mind who is talking. Is Rainbow inclined to poetry? I'd rank her next to last in poeticness, AJ being dead last, myself. I can see her privately thinking in a soppy, silly, or romantic way, on occasion. But poeticness? No way. That takes notable literacy, which I'd look to Twilight, Rarity, or perhaps Fluttershy (fanon romance novel writer.. I can certainly see her reading them, at least) for.

In short, enjoy your poetic turns of phrase, but use them appropriately, K?

I.E. "What was that about," Fluttersh asked nevously.

wouldn't that be the correct grammer, that's the way my Creative Writing teacher and all of my English teachers have taught me. . .

...

There's really no other way to say this: They were wrong.

As a practical matter, it's the fact that everyone writes that way (that is -- "asking a question?",). This includes professional writers, amateurs (fanfic writers), and everyone in between. If you ask a professional writer, this is the way they will tell you to write these things:

"What was that about?", Fluttershy asked nervously.

(The important aspects being 1. comma -after-, not before, end quote, and 2. Question mark when there is a question, including when it might be considered to be implied (eg. with 'asked'))

Your teachers may have formal arguments based on the structure of English as to why we shouldn't do that. Those may be good arguments. But the fact will remain that people who want to be understood will write using the conventions people understand -- in this case, question mark after actual question, followed by ending quote mark, followed by comma and rest of sentence if applicable.

Otherwise, it's almost as weird to read as this:

"What was that about.", Fluttershy asked nervously.

which is BLATANTLY, OBVIOUSLY wrong, unless you intend to convey a monotonous and  robotic manner of speech.

TL;DR: Don't let their ideas of the right way to write get in the way of writing in a way that is understandable.

"What are you talking about," Twilight started

Now this is a bit of an exception. Since the question isn't completed,  it works to omit the '?'. The comma still belongs on the other side. Only reason for putting a comma immediately before a quote is for something like this:

"Well, hold on," he yelled, as he rummaged through the pack, "what exactly do you mean by that? The biggest one, or just a big one?"

(ie. where the statement or question is temporarily interrupted by narrative.)

As for the actual story, so far it's pretty cool, your characterization is quite believable and pacing is good.. can't comment on plot yet, this early. Thumbs up.

Oakay. Perfect note to end a chapter on :)

Oh, and did I mention, I love the description for this story. Way to actually make a statement about life instead of ask bland or transparently dramatized questions!

>>552290552290

Thank you for your input, I'll take it into account when I get to writing Chapter 4.

As for the question of Dashie being poetic, I could find that more believable than the other option. After all, whose to say her introduction to Daring Do didn't lead her to more. . .poetic pieces. Like say, a ponified version of Homer's classics, or even a ponified Tale of Two Cities. I'd say she could be interested in that.

New chapter, yay

"A lot of good that turned out to be.,"

Do you think perhaps you're trying too hard to apply that comma rule? I've never seen a comma following a full stop before.

This wasn't some some random little filly that you might give some random assortment of Flowers for on Hearts and Hooves Day, saying you . No,

Methinks you omitted a couple of words there ('like them'? 'have a crush on them'?)

"Now what would

(missing character)

his face remained solid when she broke the hug

Solid is a rather surprising choice of adjective for someone who's not a ghost. Did you mean stern, resolute, or focused? Or I suppose you might have typoed 'stolid'.

His companion, Jack Haykness (or Captain Jack, as he preffered)

You didn't! Well, I suppose given the presence of the Doctor, it's only natural.

" it can be, at times, loads of times honestly.

Surely you omitted an adjective after 'be'?

"So, how about Cadance, things going alright between you two?", Twilight asked, giving her brother a playful jab.

Good to see you are following through with using question marks appropriately

At the end of the chapter I have a satisfied sense of anticipation. It's kind of like when you eat a meal that is just exactly enough to sate your hunger, no more and no less.