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Raiden Gekkou
Joined October 2011
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Raiden Gekkou
5
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Joined October 2011
80 followers
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54w, 4dCelestia & Luna
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53w, 10hOne-Shots
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18w, 4dCompleted Story Compendium
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Fortunately, you are wrong. True, it might be luck that in one sitting something like this could be made but you are wrong with your judgement. This is an excellent letter and openly admit a tear or two was shed, manly or otherwise. It went right to the core of Celestia, or at least as I see her. A pained immortal who hides behind her title. This is a beautiful piece of literature and more than happy to give it the recognition it deserves(That being a thumbs up, fav, and a comment complimenting it).
Hmm. Not bad. However, the entire thing suffered from a serious case of show vs telling. Unfortunately for you, this is an incredibly common flaw of your chosen medium, so probably not entirely your fault, per se. Letters (or diary entries) are a tricky, tricky beast to write with. Why? Because it's far too easy to just state facts or emotions, and without build up or context, the story suffers. This is especially true when the entire story is just a single letter. A lot of the potential impact this story could have had was lost because there was no build up. The entire thing felt like the pay off to some kind of trial - the resolution where Celestia reveals the lesson she has learned - but there was nothing behind it. It was just that, a conclusion without a body.
You're writing itself seemed fine enough. There were a few sentences that did not feel in character for Celestia at all, but apart from that things were ok. Grammar was fine and nothing stood out too badly. Well... apart from the paragraph structure. But looking up it seems you already know you had some trouble with that one.
Either way, not too bad. The major complaint I have with this story was its medium, but it's unbelievably hard to pull of letters, so don't feel too bad with that one! Keep writing! 
Hm. Not bad, kid. But not perfect, either.
Other than what Crystal already said, you made a couple grammar mistakes ("You I helped you hone you magic, helped you become the great magician you are today," what's wrong with that sentence?).
And this is more of a personal preference, but I've never heard anyone call Celestia by "Celly." I believe a popular thing amongst the bronies is the nickname " 'Tia."
But stop beating yourself up, seriously. For one sitting, this is amazing. 
I love when MS Word's spell check tells me that nothing is wrong with a sentence that has a missing comma, but will tell me that correctly spelled words are wrong, and will suggest that I change them to the exact same words.
And I've read some stories where Celestia is referred to as Celly, and I just like it better than Tia. It sounds more nickname-ish.
Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/a6e09e0c37062efd29be300989e48823/128582%20-%20animated%20applause%20citizen_kane%20clapping%20clopping%20covered_by_122077%20duplicate%20ponified%20rarity.gif
>>585080 The lonely immortal idea was what I had in mind for the re-write of the lyrics to "Arthur's Theme" (originals by Christopher Cross), which I have posted on DA for now until I figure out how to properly post here: "Luna's Theme" http://charlesdeleroy.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d4u9eo2
I also want to re-write his other mega-hit "Sailing", with a pegasus theme and title it "Soaring". The melody works very well for flying as well as sailing! :3
It feels so...real, for lack of a better word. So true. It really feels like a letter Celestia could have wrote to Twilight.
Well, with maybe one or two weird things (Twilight interested in dresses ? xD).
But overall it was a nice reading and a good time. Thank you, sweet Sir.
Image: http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/horrible_pun_i_feel_dirty8615.jpg
: "Aww, that was such a sweet story."Huh, so you just out-waited them? I didn't think that would work. 
Though, on the other hand, I've read the story today and didn't stumble upon any drastic mistakes. It may be because I'm not a native English speaker and they simply slipped by, though. Or the EqD pre-readers are just perfectionists. 
Not sure what it is about this that rubs me wrong. I think something about it makes C come across as, well...
Remember those friends you had as a child, and you grew out of the friendship, but they didn't? C kinda reads like that.Plus, some of the wording seemed like the kind of thing a person would write after a few drinks; just a touch too sentimental and whimsical and full of longing to really come across as believable or heartfelt.
Maybe I've just been reading a lot of C/TS stories lately, and the really stellar ones over shadow the others, but I can't really say that I enjoyed this one. Not enough to downvote; it wasn't bad, per se, just not to my tastes. Keep writing, and I'll keep reading; maybe we'll click better on some other story.
I have to agree with the sentiment of "Not bad." I like the idea. I've always enjoyed the relationship between Twi and Celly with all it's ambiguity. My only problem with this is the character voice. I could see a lot of this coming from Celestia, especially when this is supposed to be her attempt to be informal and friendly. Other parts seem too childish and rambly. Finally, I don't really see how a confession of unspoken feelings qualifies as a friendship report.
Even so, this was "Not bad."
Not a bad story at all. It wasn't my favorite story of all time, but that's okay. I am, of course, monstrously late in commenting on this story, but I'll write something about it anyway.
I think the story as a whole was written well, mechanics wise, although there were some slip ups that I found. "You, I helped you hone you magic" is one of them, and there were more but they elude me right at this moment. I think you captured the idea of the pained immortal very well here, although the idea of Celestia's mask of composure has already been beaten into the ground by enough fics to break my desk by the shear weight of the paper. Even still, you managed to capture the voice of Celestia, just as one would imagine an immortal would speak, in a very reminiscent tone. I also like how you characterized the imprisonment of NMM as an ongoing battle rather than 'out of sight, out of mind'.
On the flip side, I really don't like reading walls of text, and this story was chalked full of them. I also don't know if the title of the story is very apt, as this didn't seem so much a friendship letter as a declaration of feeling. But these things are nit-picky, one of the true problems I had with the story is that final paragraph, where Celestia asks Twilight to "return the favor". I understand that you intended for Celestia to sound a bit broken and certainly lonely in the rest of the letter, but that line makes her out to be absolutely desperate, and I really can't imagine Celestia ever saying something of the regard. I'm no father, but I don't think I would ask my hypothetical child to return the favor and keep me company after I've already sent her out into the world. But that is, of course, just my opinion.
So, with all that in mind, I say not bad, not bad at all. If you really did write this in one sitting, I would love to see what you can do with more time.
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