I am a student of writing and I hope someday to be able to become an actual writer of fiction.
Rarity's in charge of Hearth's Warming Eve this year. At least the costumes anyway. But such a huge project is too demanding for just one pony! So her friend, Coco Pommel is tasked to be her second set of hooves. Rarity can't wait to see Sweetie Belle in her own costume and the filly can't wait to sing. Story is told from Rarity's perspective only.
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Okay, it might be my naivety talking and I’m probably the last person who should be talking to you about this, but I’m seeing some tense issues. Again, this could be me, but they are just things that stand out in my mind.
Again, maybe it’s supposed to be the style. Maybe it’s supposed to be more of an exception rather than a rule. But these things certainly stood out in my mind and was interested to hear what you thought. Again, I’m probably not the person who should be calling you out on something like this.
What I really like about this story is how much depth Rarity is given. There’s a lot of subtle thoughts and movements that really add to Rarity’s character in this.
There are a lot of moments where I’m thinking ‘Are these supposed to be inner thoughts and I’m just not getting it?’ The issue, at least for me, is that it isn’t really distinguishable from the rest of the text. I know that this is all coming from Rarity’s point of view, but I feel like at some point there is a tad confusing between the tenses and that’s the only reason I can fathom that it would be like that. Like in this sentence.
Is this a thought that Rarity is having? If so, I couldn’t tell at first because there was nothing that really distinguishes them from the narrative. Again, probably not the guy who should be telling you this, but just something that I thought of as I was reading.
Maybe this is a personal thing for me but the scene with Coco whistling getting on Rarity’s nerves is a tad unjustified.
I realize that Rarity is getting frustrated at Coco for not being as effective as she would like, but the whistling thing was kind of a stretch for me.
Also, Coco’s outburst felt a tad unjustified. I know she’s sensitive, but it feels like it’s really abrupt. I would have liked to have seen more of the tension between the two. I know that it goes into great detail with it, but to me it feels like it comes out of nowhere.
The story is written well for a lot of it. Like I said, really liked the way the inner thoughts and movements Rarity had in this story. I thought it was very well done. She felt really damn arrogant in this. Not that it was a bad thing. I can kind of see where that was coming from. I do like that she kind of lets her pride and her knowledge of things kind of get in the way of what is important.
Coco was a tad confusing on the other hand. Like I said, for me, Coco snapping at Rarity seemed a little out of place. Maybe there could have been more of Rarity getting on Coco’s case about the perfection that she desires. I realize that it is implied in the story, but it also says that she pressed on. So, the outburst really feels like the first time they had actually confronted one another.
Again, this could be just me.
The ending was a cute little ending. I don’t think that Rarity would allow Coco to leave into the snow like she did. Even less Sweetie Belle who, we established very early on in the story, was protective of. I feel like Rarity would have demanded she go with her sister rather than her going alone. And Sweetie must have been gone for a long time if she had time to talk with Coco before Rarity caught up to them.
Overall, I think a little more tension between Rarity and Coco would have added a lot to it. At least to me. It’s written very well. A few tense issues that, maybe, are an issue, but I’m no expert as you’ve probably already guessed. Like I said, I like Rarity’s portrayal in this. I really like Rarity’s character in this. There is a lot to her. In her thoughts, in her movements, in her own little arrogant but still very kind and generous nature. I really enjoyed that.
Overall, a little story that was had some pretty enjoyable moments. Don’t know how much help I was, but enjoy the review and I’ll catch you later. Until then, take care.
5445885
Thank you. With such a huge document, I had not noticed a few errors in tense. I reviewed that paragraph and edited it at once.
As with the subject of narrative and character thought, yes that was Rarity's thoughts. I was using a concept called "Free Indirect Style" where a character's thoughts sort of blend in with the narrative. As long as it sounds like a thought, it probably is. I'm still learning the fine details of this so maybe I didn't do it right. It's hard to say. If I didn't then I do apologize.
I can see that it sort of comes suddenly with Coco and Rarity but if you notice it does skip two days between her arrival and that day. I did that because it probably wouldn't be that interesting to read about those two days while they were working. Assuming that Coco was annoying her in secret the entire time with her quirky manehattan personality, the two of them would be working together in some measure of difficulty. Coco wanted Rarity to let her design dresses as she pleases. Rarity wanted to have Coco come so she can teach her more about the craft. Coco had learned about Generosity before but in her time in manehattan, her unexpected fame gave her a sense of arrogance and the lessons she learned were forgotten. But it's hard to bring any of that up since I don't switch points of view. We don't directly see what Coco is thinking at any time.
With the final scene, I was going for a kind of quiet shock for Rarity. The idea of losing a friend doesn't come easily and everything was turning into a haze. With the icy scene at the beginning of scene 6, this was meant to reflect her heart becoming colder. Like how the wendigoes froze the world in the legend of Hearth's Warming Eve. Conflict brings division to a friendship. It wasn't really real. I mean, even the tea turned to ice with the steam frozen in time.
Anyway, I liked your review and thank you very much for taking the time to write one. It was obviously very helpful and I hope to improve how I develop characters, dialogue and so much more. I have another more simple tale called "Angel Bunny and the Knights of the Round Stump" up on my stories list. It's incomplete but it's an adventure tale. Maybe check it out if you like?
5446094 Of course, I'm glad I could be of any help.
I will certainly check out your other stories when I find time. Also, if you would like (but you have no obligation to), I welcome you to check out more of my stories and give them the proper review that they deserve. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts and opinions on them and more to come in the future.
A cute story indeed, and lovely addition to our Hearth's Warming Eve contest. I definitely think it was a significant improvement compared to your last entry, namely in the sense that it was a lot less ambitious. Story was much more limited in its scope, and I appreciated that very much.
5491244
Thank you for your comment. I believe it was a step up and I hope I can do even better for next contest.
5492305
It was, like I said, it most definitely was a step up. I will say this; you had some very nice descriptions of the scenery, but in a story this restrained as far as its action goes, you don't always have to try so hard with every description. Scenery can still be beautiful, but it doesn't have to sound like it's the most incredible sight ever when it might be something like someone just enjoying their front yard covered in snow on a winter morning. Simple descriptions for simple scenes makes for simple beauty. Just for future reference.
5492659
That is excellent feedback. Thanks.