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treg388 122198

Joined January 2012
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    • This isn't my House!
      A man and a unicorn discover their bathroom is no longer their own and other tales.

      13,118 words · 7,554 views · 801 likes · 17 dislikes
    x

    The man's arms strained against the weight set against them. With heavy breaths he slowly marched towards the door to his home, a great multitude of plastic bags hanging from his upper limbs. The man was a firm believer in the age old art of only taking a single trip from the vehicle to the home after a grocery run. With a great skill born from years of grocery hauling the man unlocked and opened his front door, without so much as a single bag sliding out of position. He entered his home, closing the door loudly behind him with a kick of the foot, and immediately he developed a twitch in his eye.. not only was this no longer his living room, but it was full of.. animals.


    The butter yellow pegasus with the pink mane hummed cheerfully to her little animal friends as she filled their food bowls. To her the midday meal time wasn't a chore, far from it, it was actually her favorite part of the day. She always loved watching the animals as they stuffed their cute faces full of food, sometimes they would get a bit rowdy and push at each other, but with gentle persuasion they would always go right back to getting along and each having their fair share. They were all such well behaved dears.

    The pegasus happily trotted to the entrance of her foliage covered cottage, a light skip accentuating the joy presented in her gait; it was time to feed the indoor animals and then herself. Nudging the door open, the pegasus entered her home. The pegasus stood in the doorway, her brain trying to process the signals it was receiving from her eyes. Slowly things began to click into place in her mind, her pony friends had told her their rooms were being replaced but she didn't quite understand what they meant at the time. Then the smallest thought floated through her mind.

    It was an incredibly small thought, but it had the largest effect a thought could hope to have on this particular pegasus. It made her eyes widen, her heart hasten, her breath become rapid and shallow; all because of a tiny thought composed of four simple words, where are the animals?


    The man let out a groan of annoyance, he knew it would happen eventually, he wished that it wouldn't, but he knew it would all the same. If only it had the common decency to occur when his arms were less occupied with plastic baggage. Lousy universe and it's complete lack of etiquette regarding the proper time to swap one's room with that of a random stranger, who the man is beginning to suspect is either not entirely human or else a very unique individual.  He marched through the room towards the kitchen, taking note of various animals that made a path for him as if given an unheard command to not impede his movement. There were birds, mice, badgers, chipmunks, a rabbit, and all sorts of small creatures he didn't recognize immediately. The man moved to the kitchen and stored every bag in the fridge, the only modern appliance in the woefully outdated room, without even bothering to sort the contents; he figured it'd be best to deal with the suddenly large amount of animals on his hands first. The man absentmindedly rubbed the bridge of his nose, if only he knew what was changing his rooms around and how to reverse it.


    The pony was not doing well in the broadest sense of the word. If one could see the metaphorical length of her face at this moment they would not refer to her as a pony, instead they would declare her a horse with unusually stubby legs and immediately dare the shortest friend they know to attempt to ride her; that would not end well. To top it off, the pony's actual appearance was nearly as bad as her metaphorical one. Her mane looked as though it had been used to house the very animals she was searching for; the fur along her cheeks, chest, and forelegs was matted down with the slightest traces of salt, evidence of the amount she had been crying; adding an emphasis to all of the physical signs was the way the pegasus was now carrying herself, brokenly, even the most dense of creatures could take a single look at this being and realize she had just lost something so important it left her no idea where to even begin to recover from.

    The pegasus dragged herself up onto the strange couch in the strange animal deprived room, which was nearly destroyed by the pegasus' frantic search for the animals, and allowed herself to collapse upon it. She felt something underneath her, poking into her. The pegasus looked back towards her side to see a small black rectangle sticking out from beneath her. With the slightest amount of effort required the pegasus gripped the object in her mouth and pulled it out, hearing a slight click as she did so. The object appeared to be covered in symbols and numbers, with a few strange words. After a slight hum music began to fill the air of the room, the pegasus dropped the object in shock, looking for the source of the sounds. It seemed to be coming from a large rectangle on the wall and after a moment the pegasus realized that it was lighting up! There were even pictures starting to show up on it! In the arms of the angel..


    The man was not having an easy time. The man's troubles stemmed from the animals that had appeared with his new living room. To be more specific it was a single animal that was causing issues, while the majority acted as if they had never seen a human male before and immediately shied away from him, a lone white rabbit had taken the initiative upon itself to display the complete opposite reaction and assaulted the man. The man's first response was to simply chuckle and remove the rabbit from his person, but one can only stand being kicked, bit at, and scratched for so long before they begin to lose patience. The scene had rapidly dissolved into one of sheer chaos. The man stood tall, panting heavily, his body covered in red lines, bite marks, and bruises. The rabbit was in a similar state, its own breathing unnaturally heavy, tufts of fur missing from its body and evidence of blunt impact dotting its form. The room surrounding the two combatants was, for the most part, utterly destroyed. The more comically flimsy pieces of furniture were nothing more than piles of broken wood and fabric, several birdhouses that once hung from the ceiling were smashed to bits on the ground, and all the animals, save the rabbit, were huddled in a corner as far away from the heat of battle as they could get. The two beings stared at each others eyes for but a moment before one of the birds let out a shrill chirp and they plunged into the fight once more.


    The pegasus was the living definition of sadness. Tears flowed freely from her as she desperately attempted to push the numbers on the small black rectangle with a hoof. The cushions under and around the pegasus had become sopping wet as she continued struggling to get her hoof to press the very specific numbers needed. She didn't know what the rectangle was, or who the strange creature that appeared in it was, but she did know that it showed her many animals that needed help and somehow copying those numbers that appeared would allow her to help them. She had to try. Much time passed as she continually tried again and again to copy the numbers. Her tears still flowed but not as strong as when they began. The pegasus barely even noticed the images on the screen had been changing until a voice came out of it quite plainly. The Honey Badger. The pegasus didn't know what it was, but something told her deep inside that she had to take a moment to watch this new message.


    The battle was nearing its conclusion, that much was obvious. The man wiped some sweat off his brow with the back of his hand, the rabbit did likewise. The rabbit struck something resembling a martial pose, it was ready to finish the fight for good. The man had similar thoughts, but he did not strike any pose, or make any sort a threat, instead he stood up to his full height and simply walked out of the room. The rabbit stood there, confused, his opponent just.. left him. It was a short while later that the man returned to the room, carrying a sheet of paper and a pen. The man offered the objects to the rabbit, who quickly snatched them and gave the man a questioning glance before looking the paper over. It was a peace treaty. The rabbit looked from the man to the treaty and ever so slowly broke the pen. The man frowned. Ignoring the man's disapproval, the rabbit dipped a single paw into the ink leaking from the pen and placed it upon the paper; he then motioned for the other animals to come forward and do the same. The man watched with a smirk as each animal left their mark upon the paper, then as the last animal was walking away he stepped forward to dip his thumb into the ink and leave his own mark on the paper. They had all come to an agreement, now the man could get back to the important business of putting away groceries.


    The pegasus shakily stood up, the last of her tears long gone; she knew now what she had to do. She had to follow the example of that brave little soul, the honey badger. The honey badger wouldn't just lay around, moping. No, the honey badger would go out and take what it needed, in this case her lost animals. She would go out and find her little animal friends, wherever they may be, she would bring them back safely home, and she wouldn't let anything stand in her way. With a fierce determination the pegasus donned a scarf and left the relative safety of her home; watch out world, there's a new honey badger and she will not stop until she has found her lost animals! A shame she left without any idea of where to start looking...

    Comments ( 74 )

    #1 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    This chapter... Meh, it's not my best, I will be the first to admit it.

    #2 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    good good a now chapter. :moustache:

    #3 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>764752 maybe not, but it was still funny none the less :pinkiehappy:

    #4 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Oh Celestia, what's going to happen to Fluttershy? Will the man ever sort his groceries? Why hasn't the man's study room (work room, whatever) been replaced with Celestia or Luna's so he can mess with Equestria's solar system(or at least the royal commands and requests)?

    Based on how the man was able to go into his kitchen doesn't that mean she'll simply walk into her front yard?

    #5 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    what is wrong with you? :trixieshiftright::flutterrage:

    #6 · 48w, 4d ago · 1 · ·
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    Thank Celestia it wasn't a show about animal hoarders.

    #7 · 48w, 4d ago · 1 · ·
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    The universe must REALLY want to screw with this guy...:rainbowhuh:

    #8 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    I'm left wondering what the terms of the treaty were. Oh, well. We'll find out in later chapters I expect.

    #9 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    I so wanted Hassenfefer

    #10 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    ...sometimes they would get a bit rowdy and push at eat other...

    This may be a misspelling. Or it may simply be unfortunate implications. I'm fine with either.

    Funny story, I'm glad you decided to continue this series. Keep up the good work!

    #11 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Oh god those animal abuse commercials! They make me sad, I shudder to think what they are doing to Fluttershy.:fluttershbad:

    Probably something like that, actually.

    #12 · 48w, 4d ago · 1 · ·
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    but one can only stand being kicked, bit, and scratched for so long

    Me: *Looks over too bookshelf, and looks at a book. Books's title reads "Kicked, Bitten and Scratched."*

    Me: Hhhmmmmmmmm.....

    #13 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>764939 I was unaware such a book existed, what's it about?

    #14 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Ok... Apparently the Elements of Harmony physically sealed Discord away, but yet he's still able to screw everything the buck up... What's next, The Tool shed? (:ajbemused:) The Back deck? (:trixieshiftright:) The Den? (:raritywink:) The Entire house?! (:trollestia:)

    #15 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Oh oh I know switch his garage for Applejack's barn that way she now has a car and he has a whole bunch of farm stuff

    #16 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>764949 Really, its kinda bad. I got it at a yard sale because it looked promising. The true title of the book reads "Kicked, Bitten and Scratched, A tale of mishaps in a zoo" or something along those lines.

    It started out promising. Sure, it's non-fiction and I hate non-fiction. But there was blood and stuff. But then the book turns booorrriinnngggg. It basically day-to-day life in a zookeeper's life and stuff. I want my money back.:twilightangry2:

    Spoiler:The book has animals in it.

    #17 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>764822

    That would be horrible... poor Fluttershy. :fluttercry:

    #18 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>764978

    You sir are as good at guessing as the Sandman...

    #19 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Guy has no luck. The ponies destroy every one of his rooms without fail.

    #20 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>764991

    *POOF*

    WHO HAS SUMMONED SANDMAN THE ALL-KNOWING?

    You!

    I should have known.

    Let's see: living room, kitchen/dining room, bathroom, and bedroom have been done.

    That leaves an office/work room, a laundry room, garage, an attic, and/or a basement as the most likely of choices.

    And already predicting AJ's barn swapping with his garage, on to Rarity!

    It could be Rarity swapping closets or laundry rooms so he could finally get something out of it like the stupid amounts of gems she has. Maybe so he can repair/renovate the swapped rooms?

    And she might get something out of his washer and dryer for however long the switch provides power.

    Though the disappearance of all of his clothes would be major suckage, and Rarity's drama promising a hilarious show at losing many of her clothes/supplies.

    Maybe his attic switches with Luna's room/observatory.

    His office could do a number of things, I see it switching with either the Mayor's office or Celestia's room/office.

    I think with all the shit that she has to deal with, Mayor Mare could do with a whiskey pick-me-up, unless she's a scotch kinda lady.

    Now I wanna see her in a leather chair relaxing with a cigar and tumbler of scotch.

    As for the basement, my thoughts keep leading me back to Lyra for some reason.

    As for the chapter, digging how he's unflappable.

    He's got better shit to do then freak out over stuff that's only moderately inconvenient.

    For he is a man.

    #21 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    The hay is "The Honey Badger"?

    #22 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765114

    Honey badger doesn't care whether or not you know him, honey badger just takes what it wants.

    #23 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Fluttershy :facehoof: Luna's mane, what are we going to do with you 'Shy?

    XD Angel and the man :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: and the peace treaty XDXDXD I was expecting him to come back with a carrot or something.

    >>765114 A honey badger is an animal that lives in africa. It is, as it's name implies, a badger. It breaks open the hives of African Bees (things that make huge swarms and have highly toxic stings) and takes their honey. The honey badger is pretty much the only thing that can mess with these bees and get away unharmed. Every other animal is pretty much terrified of honey badgers. Think Flutterbitch, only the size of Angel Bunny and twice as bad. Oh, and since badgers are a member of the weasel family, they can spray stink, just like skunks (they use it to drive away the bees when they swar too much). All in all, honey badgers are mean little fricks.

    #24 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Those ASPCA-or-whatever animal cruelty commercials make me sad too, Fluttershy. :fluttercry:

    #25 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    ...Why would you show her that?

    As soon as I saw In the arms of the angel.. I went "ohhhhh shit".

    You cruel, cruel person.

    #26 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    I pity this man...Renovating every room in a house is costly, not to mention his own personal belongings disappearing. If my Bedroom disappeared with my laptop in it... well lets just say rainbow's house would be more accurately compared to a pond... of acid... filled with snakes... Yeah I have no idea where I was going with that...

    #27 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Loved this chapter as well!:pinkiehappy:

    And I throughly agree, two trips is for wimps.:flutterrage:

    But I am forced to ask, if the rooms do not return to their respective universes. What is the Man going to do with all the animals:rainbowhuh: and good luck Fluttershy:yay:

    As always looking forward to more, AND THAT MAN IS UNSHAKABLE

    #28 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Man is my hero. I'll name my firstborn after him, I swear.

    #29 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    no clue why but all i could think of when fluttershy started watching TV was David Attenborough and how enraptured she would have gotten by him

    #30 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    So, Man thinks he's oh so good at getting grocerys through only one trip to the car?! :twilightangry2:

    Ima show him next time the family goes shopping!

    #31 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    ...I'm more worried about Twilight getting her hooves on the TV than anything else.

    Or Lyra.

    I mean, it's clearly playing human shows...

    #32 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765577

    oh god, ponies + Big Brother

    #33 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765585

    ...what? Why would 1984 happen? It's a TV, not the Ministry of Love.

    #34 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765630

    1984 what? big brother the reality TV show

    Edit Just realised that, as a Brit, my TV experiance is a bit different to an Americans

    #35 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Oh... Oh my god!

    You made poor Fluttershy suffer through that fucking Sarah McLaughlin commercial???

    You son of a bitch... I've done some horrendous shit to characters in fan fiction, but this is downright EVIL!

    #36 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765662

    >makes reference to Big Brother

    >doesn't know what 1984 is

    #37 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765833

    when i did english lit in school, we went for Romeo & Juliet, Animal Farm, Of mice and men and Macbeth, also did a bit of Midsummer Nights Dream im a Brit, Shaespear ftw

    #38 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765851

    The author of 1984 was British, and in fact is the same guy who wrote Animal Farm. The story was set in London.

    And it's spelled "Shakespeare".

    #39 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765881

    damn my lack of spelling

    and I know George Orwell was a brit, but Shakespeare still manages to take up alot of space

    #40 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765909

    Yeah, people are rather excessively fond of the Bard, aren't they?

    It's really weird, almost none of the really renowned works these days are pop-culture-reference storms, but Shakespeare flung those around like they were going out of style.

    ...Maybe he just ruined it for everyone else?

    #41 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765926

    true

    on the other hand, my english teacher was an idiot that thought Anon and Paddok were the names of cats, like Greymalkin

    #42 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765630 Dont you mean "Ministry of Morale"?:pinkiesmile:

    #43 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765914 Im aware that the bottom hole is a ground which is not powered, my suggestion of the water was the only rational thing that could explain it to me beyond just "magical horn meets oulet" *shrug*

    #44 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765978 Finally someone gets my rather dated references!

    #45 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    This is awesome so far, but I have a question. First, does this happen in a world where MLP:FiM doesn't exist?

    Second, does he still not understand that the owners of these rooms aren't human? I could understand not making the connection with the first 2 rooms, but the bedroom should probably have made things very clear to him. For one thing, I imagine RD would probably have at least one picture of her and her friends in her room (if not a picture of just herself), so he should at least know who one of them is by this point.

    #46 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765888

    thanks ^^

    but no, that's not a recolor of one of the mane 6. In the episode with the supe cider sqeezer thingie at the end all ponys get angry at the flim flam brothers and Lyra happens to look that way (points at avatar). just search for angry Lyra at the internet. should be found really quick

    #47 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>765165 Kill it with fire.

    #48 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    I am Guessing that in the future Twilight will help her friends to recover their rooms...

    But if this keeps at this pace, every room of his house will be swapped, so if twilight does her spell with the man in the house, they will have a Guest,,,

    I hope that he gets moved, or he will find no house for him in the morning...

    #49 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    So the man signs a peace treaty with all of Fluttershy's animals including Angel Bunny after they've already torn the living room apart (That little demon, seriously Fluttershy seems to be the only one who can keep him in line) while Fluttershy lounges on the couch watching animal abuse commericals seems like a reversal of what happened in the earlier chapters. :fluttershysad:

    Next up will probably be something with Rarity, too bad the bedroom and bathroom have already done. :raritywink:

    And the man was lucky he didn't swap sheds with Fluttershy because then we'd be getting comments saying things like "Hey, hey, hey stay of my shed o.k." or "Hey, hey, hey what'd I tell yal about coming in my shed?!" :facehoof:

    #50 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    So... that T.V got a connection in Equestria? That must be a DANG good satellite connection. (In Other news, that T.V is not connected to the internet, or Fluttershy wouldn't care, because Honey Badgers don't give two bucks. The internet knows that, of course.)

    #51 · 48w, 4d ago · · ·
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    #52 · 48w, 3d ago · · ·
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    Honey badger dont give a damn.

    #54 · 48w, 3d ago · · ·
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    Hang on if they keep the rooms what if one of them sees mlp fim on the tv that would be interesting.

    #55 · 48w, 3d ago · · ·
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    Oh man, I love these.:rainbowlaugh: What you should do next is switch Rarity's and the Man's workspace.

    #56 · 48w, 3d ago · · ·
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    >>769134

    And the final guess has been completed, give em the golden horseshoe.

    #57 · 48w, 3d ago · · ·
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    >>769155

    Really? Sweet Celestia that's awesome! :pinkiehappy:

    #58 · 48w, 3d ago · · ·
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    I think that, Fluttershy being my favourite pony (And extremely close to my personality) and all, I'm the sole commenter that found this segment extremely sad :fluttercry:

    Brilliant segment though - Well written. I'm surprised the man didn't continue to attempt to converse with the rabbit some more now knowing that it possesses actual reading skills (Or however the treaty was such formed), and human-esque intelligence.

    I personally think Fluttershy would subsequently progress from her House to Twilight's, who, using magic, was successfully able to recover her bathroom (You stated that she had knowledge of the other pony's switches).

    I'm personally curious as to what'd happen if Fluttershy had turned on the TV at the precise time an episode of MLP had started airing on the Hub :yay:

    Thanks for the enjoyable segment, and I look forward to the future ones!

    #59 · 48w, 3d ago · · ·
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    >>766443

    That would be pretty funny. Man goes to bed, someone uses a "random room-swap reversal spell", and Man wakes up the next morning lying on the ground in an empty lot.

    #60 · 48w, 3d ago · · ·
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    >>770051 Nah, if a Whole pack of cute animals was transported, he won´t be left behind...

    DF
    #61 · 48w, 2d ago · · ·
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    I love this. I laughed so much. The contrasting reactions between the man and the ponies is just hilarious.

    #62 · 48w, 2d ago · · ·
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    I think he should start leaving notes around his house in case it happens again. Notes what items do, their usage, notes about personal property, 'please stop doing this', ecetera.

    #63 · 48w, 1d ago · · ·
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    Somewhere in the human world, there is a brony conducting a ritual to send himself to Equestria, and he can't figure out why nothing happens.  Probably will send this guy there first.

    ΔΓ

    #65 · 47w, 6d ago · · ·
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    "...most of dense of creatures ..."

    "...single animal that was causing issues,.."

    "...voice came out of it quite plainly."

    "...questioning glance before looking the paper over. "

    #66 · 46w, 6d ago · · ·
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    >>769682

    I had pretty much the same reaction as you did. I cried a river. Poor Fluttershy.

    #67 · 45w, 5d ago · · ·
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    Of course, it is only a matter of time before he’s still in the room when it is swapped.

    Imagine a pony like Sweetie Belle  Trixie after seeing a room swapped and with such a strange creature inside of it.

    #68 · 44w, 5d ago · · ·
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    The shit this guy has to put up with. :ajbemused:

    I'd rage thoroughly if the rooms of my home were magically temporarily replaced and then re appeared  with my stuff destroyed. :twilightangry2:

    Were is batman because justice needs to be served. :unsuresweetie:

    #69 · 43w, 5d ago · · ·
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    I really dont want to be this guy if he gets taken to equestria and RD finds out hes been snooping...

    or did his business in Twi's bathroom...

    or taken pinky's food... (although I dont think shed be too much even though hed be broke)

    or had a serious fight with A.B. and terrifyed the others...

    still a great story cant wait for the next chapter!

    #70 · 42w, 6d ago · · ·
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    DUDE. The moment I read the line "in the arms of the angel..." I was like:

    No...... NO!..... DONT WATCH IT FLUTTERSHY! IT'S TOO MUCH FOR YOUR GENTLE SOUL TO HANDLE!

    Dude you are so freaking cruel! XD

    Great writing.

    #71 · 42w, 4d ago · · ·
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    Next up! AppleJacks barn and his garage!

    :applejackconfused:

    #72 · 41w, 5d ago · · ·
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    >>764823 Yeah, really. I wonder if we'll eventually find out why this is happening...

    #73 · 24w, 1d ago · · ·
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    Why'd you have to make her watch the ASPCA commercial? You evil person.

    Peace treaty. That's great.

    #74 · 17w, 5h ago · · ·
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    Honey Badger doe'snt give a shit.

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