Lyra Heartstrings is a particularly lonely mare. Save for her best friend Bon Bon, Lyra doesn't really have many ponies that she talks to during the day. She maintains a relatively quiet lifestyle, but she doesn't really mind, or at least that's what she tells herself.
One evening, Lyra impulsively buys a neat looking decorative glass ball from a pawn shop. She is overjoyed at the find, until strange things start happening.
Every night, when she looks into the ball, she meets some kind of... thing... from a different world called Earth. These beings also appear to have found some kind of glass ball, just like Lyra.
Every night, the ball connects with a different person.
And they all have different stories to tell. Suddenly, Lyra isn't so lonely anymore, until the ball begins to take its toll on her.
Warning: This story contains some language. Whoops?
Thanks a bunch to Paradox Theory for prereading!
Coverart by Gsphere, and can be found here!
Before I tell you what I think of the first chapter, is it all right if I tell you all the errors I found? And I want to ask if you want me to do so for the other two chapters?
That comma at the end should be a period.
You hit enter after the word 'the'.
That 'on' should be 'of'
Feared should be fears.
Remove the comma in 'camera's'
He
Should be 'he'
Put the word 'her' between chest and made.
The 'it' should be 'she'
Now, what I think of the first chapter?
Loved it!
While it was a little slow at the beginning, I loved the adamant descriptions.
I could also really feel Lyra's fear! This chapter was quite great, something I'd expect to see in a novel.
I think I'm going to love reading the next two chapters!
Cyneryk, It's getting late here, so I'll read the last two chapters first thing tomorrow.
5551511
Why thank you! It means a lot, as this story is one of longest projects so far. Also, I will make sure to edit all those mistakes immediately. Hope you enjoy the rest!
-Cyneryk
Replace 'way' with 'was'
This chapter was beautifully done. I enjoyed watching Lyra's despair only grow as she was unsure of what she saw was real.
But then we get the second vision. . . . . and despite the death of the old woman I love it. I loved how Lyra was seeing the differences between good humans and bad ones. How it made her sick. It felt like a very sharp turn from the last chapter, even bringing a tear to my eye.
Now I go to the final chapter.
remove 'if'
As for this last chapter. It was rather good. I liked how Lyra had decided to live her life differently then those three that robbed an old woman, how she suddenly got over her breakdown.
But the ending left me with a question. . . . will there be a sequel?
Thank you for giving me this opportunity, and if you ever need a prereader in the future, I'll gladly help if you ask.
*Slow clap gradually getting faster* Bravo! Bravo!
This chapter was well written, from Lyra's rebound to the heart broken girl who had a baby. I loved this book immensely
I didn't see many errors on this chapter either, so post when you like.
Seems like Lyra has some kind of, social anxiety or something.
5552684
Ending? But it's marked as incomplete.
Which would mean it's not ended.
5558660 When I was pre-reading, it said complete. . . so I thought it was over.
Then Cyneryk tells me he finished the third chapter. Only now do I hear that it is incomplete.
Well, this story is pretty good, don't care much for the melodrama of Lyra's severe anxiety disorder, it's almost layed on too thick in that aspect in my opinion, but everything else is cool.
5558887
Ah, ok.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, was when I realised I was in for something good.
God damn mate.
This is absolutely riveting.
Liked, faved, and if I wasn't already following you I would be now. This is amazing.
Damn, this is good. Liked and faved.
This story is one of the best I have read in a while. Great job! You did exceptionally well on the description of the settings and characters. Keep it up!
5552649 what I want to know is how you see these things.
This chapter was a virtual page turner. I loved it, and was fully engulfed. Amazing job!
Whoa.
Just whoa.
That was amazing.
5632318 I credit my vast imagination, unlike most people I can literally be in the world that is being told in this story.
And if you mean the grammar. . . . . then I'm just a grammar Nazi. Because no one can be clear.
This is a very intriguing story with a rather unique premise, and thus far a quite enjoyable read. My only concern is along the same line as Pyro's I understand Lyra has some serious social anxiety and you've illustrated that rather well, I can relate to how she feels and even more so that she seems to know 'it's all in her head' but that doesn't mean it's not real. Either way my concern is that while you've set up the character, showing where she is starting from, try to no harp 'too' much, cause I fear it could drift from showing us what she's feeling to beating us over the head with it.
Oh goodness, this is amazing so far! I wish I had a crystal ball... maybe. Might keep me up a lot...
I wish my drawing would improve like Lyra's!