1201114 Early thirties. I know, that line almost makes it sound like there's this grand difference in years between them, but Corey is mid-to-late twenties.
But yeah, I think part of it might be my fault. It's hard to decide on an effective synopsis when I want so much of the fic to be a surprise. As it is, you DO kinda' have to take the leap that you'll like what you find. And on the other hand, the EQD post uses the chapter art for chapter one, and I think that might be what's hurting me here.
Since a lot of people tend to pick fics by glancing at the titles and the cover image, I figure "Black Equinox" tells you very little as a title. And in an image whose only ponies are a pair of OCs, chapter one's cover art might register as an unconscious "pass" to people skimming a story-updates post. They might think, "oh, it's a story about some shitty OC's. Whatever..." and just pass it by.
I'm actually wondering if my paranoia about spoilers is really hurting me in terms of viewership. I chose that synopsis, title and image so as to avoid giving the readers expectations about things that SHOULD be surprising or shocking. Spike's death was supposed to come off as a "never saw it coming" moment to hook the readers and motivate the characters. When people actually take the leap to READ it, it's usually the proper reaction. But not a lot of people BOTHER, so what's the point?
Spike's death NEEDS to be surprising. The reader can't be allowed to see that coming, so I can't even ALLUDE to a "tragedy" in the synopsis. Using Chapter 2's art of the burning library is probably my strongest image, invoking an immediate emotional reaction. I'm fearing that I might need to use THAT image for my EQD post. Yes, it gives away that this happens, but then, it's the first chapter, and it doesn't necessarily hint that something will befall him. I fear the more astute readers putting all of that together and guessing what happens when Spike is left alone in the library for a long time. I fear the "Dun dun DUNN!!!" reaction from seasoned readers.
But I suppose it's either that, or leave Black Equinox to rot in general obscurity... It's worth a shot, anyway.
Minor issue: How exactly would the ponies be able to determine an age difference of only a few years between two members of a species they had only just seen for the first time? I get how there was a noticeable difference in their physical activity, Corey moving around a lot more while Mandeville is much more static, but are there no lazy, out of shape ponies? I've been around humans my entire life yet I still have considerable difficulty guessing someone's age--I consider getting the right general decade a victory. This seems like an artificial introduction of a familiarity with humans that ponies should not have, and to make a point about relative ages that I don't see going anywhere relevant to the story. Why does Corey's age matter?
That said, it's also only a minor bit of nitpicking on my part. Your general style is great, and seems to be improving as you go. All in all, this is a pretty good story, although it does make me feel like finding someone called Mandeville and kicking him in the face. Or maybe that's a mark of a good story?
Hmmmmm generic random soldier dude what talks like a generic random soldier dude with no endearing/defining qualities? Welp, it was a fun ride, shame we didn't get to see some real perverted testing, but now i am totes outie. tata now
Comment posted by SeraphimBrony deleted Jul 7th, 2014
YES A HUMAN WHO ISN'T BENT ON DESTRUCTION! No, wait he still is, and he is morally ambiguous, perfect .
"He was younger than Mandeville, certainly."
just how old is Mandeville, anyway? I don't recall it being specified at all, so I'm just wondering...
1201114 Early thirties. I know, that line almost makes it sound like there's this grand difference in years between them, but Corey is mid-to-late twenties.
It's a shame this doesn't have more views. It's really good.
1237117
Thanks =)
This is Minjask, right?
But yeah, I think part of it might be my fault. It's hard to decide on an effective synopsis when I want so much of the fic to be a surprise. As it is, you DO kinda' have to take the leap that you'll like what you find. And on the other hand, the EQD post uses the chapter art for chapter one, and I think that might be what's hurting me here.
Since a lot of people tend to pick fics by glancing at the titles and the cover image, I figure "Black Equinox" tells you very little as a title. And in an image whose only ponies are a pair of OCs, chapter one's cover art might register as an unconscious "pass" to people skimming a story-updates post. They might think, "oh, it's a story about some shitty OC's. Whatever..." and just pass it by.
I'm actually wondering if my paranoia about spoilers is really hurting me in terms of viewership. I chose that synopsis, title and image so as to avoid giving the readers expectations about things that SHOULD be surprising or shocking. Spike's death was supposed to come off as a "never saw it coming" moment to hook the readers and motivate the characters. When people actually take the leap to READ it, it's usually the proper reaction. But not a lot of people BOTHER, so what's the point?
Spike's death NEEDS to be surprising. The reader can't be allowed to see that coming, so I can't even ALLUDE to a "tragedy" in the synopsis. Using Chapter 2's art of the burning library is probably my strongest image, invoking an immediate emotional reaction. I'm fearing that I might need to use THAT image for my EQD post. Yes, it gives away that this happens, but then, it's the first chapter, and it doesn't necessarily hint that something will befall him. I fear the more astute readers putting all of that together and guessing what happens when Spike is left alone in the library for a long time. I fear the "Dun dun DUNN!!!" reaction from seasoned readers.
But I suppose it's either that, or leave Black Equinox to rot in general obscurity... It's worth a shot, anyway.
Minor issue: How exactly would the ponies be able to determine an age difference of only a few years between two members of a species they had only just seen for the first time? I get how there was a noticeable difference in their physical activity, Corey moving around a lot more while Mandeville is much more static, but are there no lazy, out of shape ponies? I've been around humans my entire life yet I still have considerable difficulty guessing someone's age--I consider getting the right general decade a victory. This seems like an artificial introduction of a familiarity with humans that ponies should not have, and to make a point about relative ages that I don't see going anywhere relevant to the story. Why does Corey's age matter?
That said, it's also only a minor bit of nitpicking on my part. Your general style is great, and seems to be improving as you go. All in all, this is a pretty good story, although it does make me feel like finding someone called Mandeville and kicking him in the face. Or maybe that's a mark of a good story?
(Apologies to anyone actually called Mandeville.)
This new Corey guy is awesome...
Its just to perfect.
Hmmmmm generic random soldier dude what talks like a generic random soldier dude with no endearing/defining qualities? Welp, it was a fun ride, shame we didn't get to see some real perverted testing, but now i am totes outie. tata now
1239802 You really had me thinking Trixie had killed herself, i was actually feeling sorry for her at that point. But great job on this story!