The Cutie Mark Crusaders are working on getting their black magical cutie marks, but they suddenly find themselves flung into a disturbing underworld. Separated from her friends and so terrified that she can hardly stand, Applebloom comes across the dark queen of the parasites that crawl in the night. The Queen demands "love", and she's determined to get it one way or another. She subjects Applebloom to certain tests as she flirts, with the feisty filly standing up for herself. Can she save her friends?
Please note that there's no gore or extreme violence, but there's somewhat dark content. The excellent "Sweetie's Mansion" by Moon Shooter has been a large inspiration as well as the wonderful "Silent Ponyville" by JakeHeritagu. Thanks very much for reading.
seems interesting. i'll follow this for now. oh, by the way, you might need an editor. spotted a few errors.
dis gun be rapen herpen in derpen
That was bizzare... But hey, I'm all for that!
You're taking the characters out of their normal comfort zones, usually I'd say; "They wouldn't react like that!", but in this case, who really knows, the CMC have never been thrown into the underworld before, have they?!
So yeah, I'm gonna see where this is going...
Hmmm looks interesting.
I like where this is going.
Do continue my good sir.
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ill read later feeling sleepy
hmmmm.... what could it be?
nice chapter, btw. have a stache.
She hasn't taken to my removal of her brains very well, sadly.
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Can't tell if Clop or Horror, either way, I like it.
"Augh!" Sweetie screamed.
Cool chapter and concept though. I commend you.
Not Sweetie Belle! D:
I like where this is going. Besides, it's actually making me think... Which I don't do very often anymore...
its different but.....
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ohh, waiting to see what happen next
There were a few grammatical errors here and there, but overall nothing too serious that it could ruin the mood of the story. And the Plot is kind of a strange one, but for now I'm liking the concept of the story.
Sincerely, In Medicus
Glad that you guys love it!
516148
Fixed!
And thanks!
Sci-fi!
It is pretty cool so far, I will continue!
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I hope that doesn't make me a bad person
Awww... poor sweetie...
Poor Applebloom. And Sweete Belle and Scootaloo. But especially Applebloom.
These signs are really harassing her, aren't they? (I mean she is cute and everything, but... that slime is kinda creepy.)
I guess the CMC can be glad I am not in Appleblooms place. Because despite thinking about everything for a bit I still didn't manage to figure it out...
Well, I am pretty sure the key to solve the riddle is mirror.
It might be Door 6. Because mirroring "P" (vertically) results in "6".
Or door 527, which would be the door behind her when she looks at door 1 and 2 (the door she would see if you put a mirror between door 1 and 2). That is if all doors are on the ground floor. Since the room is supposed to be shaped like a giant birds cage with doors at different heights there might be another door right behind her.
Or maybe I am completely off.
you sir
are a wonderful author
please keep this up
and if clop should appear, this would be even better
that is all
kthanksbai
It's like you took one of those psychological thriller/horror/puzzle games and put it to print.
Well bloom is the smartest out of the 3 on the CMC, let's just hope math isn't her Acheles' heel.
And poor Gilda, ouch.
Creepy stuff, and quality as always Swiper! Keep the creep a-creepin'! And btw don't you totally agree we need a Chrysalis emoticon???
Thanks for reading and commenting you guys! Your support really, really means a lot to me!
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Oh, yeah!
520170
Yeah, that probably was painful.
520010
Well, it's clear that the Queen has eyes for Applebloom. We'll see how far this ends up going.
519774
Even though I didn't go that route, that sounds pretty interesting. And, yeah, I'm going for creepy.
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Yeah, poor Sweetie. But just keep reading.
there is a problem there is no 5th chapter
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Another pretty good chapter, but now there's not a whole lot of suspense left for the next chapter
Still liking the story thus far though
dark without gore/sad/tragedy?
I MUST READ IT!
522448 oh you tease
wow
i must be dumb
cuz i couldn't figure out that puzzle
you must be very witty friend
keep up the good work
Egads! Tis a cliffhanger!
Awesome chap, can not wait for the next one.
This story is strange and yet oddly compelling. I'm not sure where you're going with this or what you have planned but I'll be looking forward to finding out. I like how you've been having the antagonist speaking through signs and cards. It adds an apprehensive twist to the story, and builds up for the eventually meeting. Nicely played sir.
My only criticism is that the logic puzzle here wasn't as obvious as the story seemed to point out. I wasn't sure if that was on purpose, like you didn't want the reader to guess it and know before Applebloom, or if it should have been obvious from the start and I just failed to interpret foreshadowing on your part. It left me confused.
Fab has requested your presence in his backstage dressing room with the rose petals placed along your mane.
fab never invites me to his back stage dressing room
#forever alone
530071
This story is strange and yet oddly compelling. I'm not sure where you're going with this or what you have planned but I'll be looking forward to finding out. I like how you've been having the antagonist speaking through signs and cards. It adds an apprehensive twist to the story, and builds up for the eventually meeting. Nicely played sir.
My only criticism is that the logic puzzle here wasn't as obvious as the story seemed to point out. I wasn't sure if that was on purpose, like you didn't want the reader to guess it and know before Applebloom, or if it should have been obvious from the start and I just failed to interpret foreshadowing on your part. It left me confused.
Yeah, it is strangely fascinating. It feels like we are following Applebloom through a dream (or a nightmare), somehow unreal but making sense in its own way at the same time.
I also agree on the logic puzzle part (especially since I tried solving it in vain as well) - it felt like the reader should have been able to solve it at the end of chapter 3, but the solution seems to have relied on eliminating almost every door by picking wrong doors during the solution. Maybe it is because I like reading mystery/detective stories which often allow the reader to solve the riddle themselves before the solution in presented by the main character.
Anyway, Sweetie Belle is safe and now the way to help Scootaloo is also obvious. And even better, Scootaloo does not seem to be in danger (however Applebloom herself kinda is).
The story tags kinda spoil who the CMC are dealing with. And she seems to enjoy this way too much. On the other hand, "playing" with Applebloom by making her worry about her friends might even be the correct way if her main interest lies in Appleblooms "love" for her friends.
Come on Applebloom: Show her how great Ponies are in singing songs they have never heard before. If Pinky Pie made the whole town sing along her you surely can do the same in a Karaoke test to safe Scootaloo.
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I have to admit that the logic puzzle thing may not have been written too well. I've trying to make it ambiguous as to whether or not the Queen is actually testing Applebloom for anything, or if it's all completely fake and a ruse with rules/concepts for things changing-- just so the Queen can toy with her and magically feast from Applebloom's love for her friends.
I also really wasn't sure how to present the whole logic puzzle thing. That's not really my strong suit, as I'm more of a slice of life / comedy / pure adventure / romance author. I don't do dark well, and I know it. Part of writing this is me trying to expand my horizons.
530828 sounds good
you stumped me tho
probably because you didn't know the answer either
...
hey
ik its weird to ask
but have you checked out my fic?
530842
I really don't like humanizations unless they're just straightforward romances or comedies. Something about ponies in human bodies makes me feel weird.
But, if you want, I'll look at it.
530886 well
i may contact you later as a pre reader
seeing as there will be a clop portion at the end
and you are one of my fav clop writers
530894
I'll look at it sometime.
Also, just curious, but have you seen my stories http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23403/Gooby-Floopy-Pancakes and http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21932/A-Brush-With-A-Beauty ?
530939 i didn't read gooby floopy pancakes
didn't strike me as something i would enjoy
seeing as the fic the universe is based on didn't get my attention after the first chapter
and i have not checked out a brush with beauty
on my way now
Hmmm... well this is different
Course I guess you'd have to expect something like that out of this kind of fic, it can't all be puzzles and rising water.
"s'taht tcerroc" Read it correctly without thinking, Fuck yeah.
Reads puzzle "I don't get any of this"
Remembers reading "s'taht tcerroc" Correctly
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AppleBloom you're making it hard for me to vote for you when you don't pick Video Killed the Radio Star
531278
Please tell me honestly what you think about the puzzle, and be specific (like if you went on for paragraphs, that would be great). I might revise this whole story later.
531303
In fairness, she never picked any song. She just selected one by a total accident.
Agreed, though, I freaking love that song. All of the songs that I mentioned are favorites. You love them all too?
531317
Paragraph Challenge accepted, however I'm currently trying to get myself unbanned from a server so it'll have to wait.
Also I'll need to re-run through that chapter, though all in all I understand the basic concepts of the puzzle, they were all clues to the answer being golf related.
HAWT.
If I were Applebloom and if I rolled that way, I would've totally taken up that dressing room offer.
Ok.
I have no idea how the Queen is doing all of this, but i love her selection of music.
What did I just read?
Another interesting chapter to this experimental trip down the ol' Rabbit hole as it were. Don't have too much to say in the way of criticism for this one, it was a nice update and leaves me once more wondering what's next for Applebloom. Apparently a duet with a hungry wolf, a very hungry wolf. Nice double imagery there, SwiperTheFox, considering the characters involved.
537097
Is that a good crazy or a bad crazy? I assume the latter.