Lost in the waste, a forgotten cursed city looms. Trixie intends to plunder it. This ain't no bullshit adventure tale, this one has dudes getting brutally fucking murdered, half the story was written on lsd and salvia, gold and treasure by the ton, battle scenes out of fucking conan, we're talking shit that don't even make sense yo. Shit from the nightmares of an opium addict.
First three chapters revised.
Page generated in 0.077 seconds
Total duration
911 users online
1,073,137 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I'm always up for a Daring Do and Trixie Adventure fic, so i saw this in the new stories place and said to myself "...hhmmm...might as well take a gander at this." and I'm glad i did.
You wanted feed back? Well here it is. The thing I'm having trouble with first off is the perspective. is it daring fallowing Trixie? is it a monster stalking her? it was mildly confusing, mainly because Trixie is wandering the large, vast wastelands so why couldn't Trixie see her Daring? (or whoever fallowing her) is Daring hiding on a cloud? is the ground rocky and have a lot of places for cover? could she even hear Trixie talk to herself? how close was she? is Daring that good?
Another thing is the flow of this chapter seemed off. here I'll use an example
This section, it just doesn't flow well. It feels off. I think it's because you not just introducing Trixie but daring as well. if Trixie is doing stuff have Daring react to it. here let me try my hands at this part.
See, you can have Trixie be the star of this chapter and still show a side of Daring.
So those where the things that irked me but here's the stuff i liked. for your first fic this is...good, like really good. you have an amazing vocabulary that isn't seen most often. Your punctuation, while not perfect, is with so few flaws that it's not even worth me mentioning it. And lastly, the imagery you did have I loved.
Over all i have to say for a chapter 1, under 2,000 words, and your first time. I'm hooked. Here's hoping for more.
I'm tired.
I review bad stories, so this is something unexpected from something... like this.
Lets start off with bad stuff, since I'm always good at saying what's bad.
I don't know if the grammar was intentional, but sentences do not usually start with "and", "so", or "because", something I learned in my early years of education.
Radio is right, it was confusing at times. I didn't even know Daring was in it, because it seemed like a third person perspective rather than first.
Then that family at the end? I think it was, but how come they were there? The foal and the elder, correct me if I'm wrong.
The whole ending. I might be reading it wrong, but it is super hard finding out who is being described sometimes.
The whole describing thing is difficult to understand.
Good-
The idea.
The execution.
Great explanation of everything.
8/10
Great everything besides the mentioned above. Work on it, if possible. Not all people have the mind of a literal genius or modern-day Shakespearan writer.