• Member Since 21st Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Oct 4th, 2016

HalfAngelHuman


Two people who share one body. You'd think that would make writing stories easier?

Sequels1

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Free Spirit is not like other Changelings. A Half-breed Changeling. Exiled by the Empire, he was forced to find a new home, the kingdom of Equestria. But will he be accepted in a place that is on the high alert on Changelings?

Author's note: Free Spirit is my OC. He and this story were inspired by the story's cover.
*Takes place after Season 2 and before Season 3*

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 24 )

I'm enjoying this story so far. Can't wait to see the next chapter.

That was intersting. Cant wait for next chapter

Wow im loving this story so gar keep it up :D

>>RanbowCoolDash I'm already working on it.

I like it so far. Looking forward to chapter 2.

Expect a PM from me shortly with some suggestions.
As for an idle comment...

:rainbowlaugh:

Order 66? Star Wars refernence?

How does Free Spirit feel about Crysalis? Does he hate her for exiling him?

I'm glad to get the answer to my question.
It was actualy Kalinka! She did it! It has to be her! Spirit would never do this! Spirit is innocent! Try telling Twilight or Celsetia that though.

5338134 Was it really Kalinka? Or has the "innocent" Free Spirit been nothing more than a facade?

Well, I don't want to sound like I don't like it, or imply that your a bad writer. I have only one suggestion, quality over quantity. Again, I don't want to sound rude, but you need to prioritize quality, not quantity. :scootangel::scootangel::scootangel: but it's still very nice

5342680 You have a point. Thanks for the input.

A very interesting story to say the least. A changeling battling with his inner emotions and inner changeling... I can't wait to see how this all pans out, I expect epic battle.

-Ambassador of the Changelings
Dopple Ganger

I realy like the story so far, but I think I would rather longer chapters every couple of weeks or so than theese chapters that I've honestly come to think of as pages. I'm not saying that the story is bad, I love it so far. I'm just saying that we're four chapters in, and I could read the entire thing in less than fifteen minutes.

Only the Order 66 reference so far.

5345174 In chapter 3, I made a Kanye West reference.

Yes this was a great story keep it up. Cant wait for the sequel to be out.

This is my first fanfic ever! :pinkiehappy: Criticism is welcomed.

You got it.

"Whenever somepony was summoned to the Counsel, it was never good." - Shouldn't this be "someling? Why would changelings say "somepony"?

"She turned around to go upstairs to do the same. “It’s so peaceful tonight.” She thought, closing her eyes.

“SOCIAL ACTIVITY! WOOHOO!!!”

Startled by the sudden outburst, Fluttershy flipped right out of her bed,

So . . . she closed her eyes to go upstairs and next thing she's falling out of bed? This needs some kind of transition. Or have her close her eyes to settle in bed, since that sentence was written like she was in bed already.

she heard someone knocking on the front door. “How could that be?”
- Did you mean "Who could that be?" Or is Fluttershy asking how it could be that somebody's at the door?

“Th-they dead. - *They're dead. Also the whole section where he starts breaking down feels like it has either too much stuttering, or needs some descriptions of his rising emotions to break it up.

“50 bits!? Wow Fluttershy, where in Equestria did you get all this money from?” He wondered. “You really didn’t need to do this,” He muttered. “...But I guess it would be impolite to reject her offer!”

Is all this out loud? This is actually distracting throughout the story, since you have full quotes around every single thought and that makes me imagine every thought being spoken.

Thoughts written like this, 'like this'.

For example;

'Am I being too hard on person's story?' I wonder.

' . . . Nah. TYPO RAPID FIRE ROUND!'

His glowed in its signature green color,
- *He glowed

We’ve already see what you truly look like, so there is no need to put it back on.”
- We've already *seen

He said, sweeping her up in a tight embrace.”
- That quotation mark at the end shouldn't be there.

staring closely her. - Staring closely at her

Expect that she was a pure-blooded Changeling.
- *Except that she was a pure-blooded Changeling.

Also, I don't think "changeling" should be capitalized. You don't capitalize 'pony' or 'human'.

“Yes, did I. Is there a problem?”
- "Yes, I did*

Fluttershy awoke to the sound of somepony tapping on her window.

Is he just hovering outside her bedroom window? Up until this point, I thought he lived with Fluttershy and all of a sudden she doesn't. When did he move elsewhere?

This needs clarification, and also I think it'd be worth stating that he's hovering outside the window, just to help the whole mental image of the scene and the vampire motif.

Speaking of vampire motif, why is he drinking Fluttershy's blood? I thought he was supposed to be feeding on her emotions? What's he drinking blood for?

And while I'm at it, do changelings need to feed on emotions to survive in this story?

If not, then why does he have such a strong inner need to feed off emotions? Just because "that's what changelings do", even though it's completely unnecessary? If it's not unnecessary, than shouldn't it be important for him to actually feed on emotions for his own health, and find his own way to do it? As it is, it seems like he just has this innate need to feed because changelings are inherently "evil" or something. It feels like you wrote it as a metaphor for someone's inner dark side, but it doesn't work when it's a species that's does the "evil" thing (feed on emotions) as a part of its biology.

Anyway, continuing with typos.

he hissed as plunged his fangs deep into her neck.
- as *he plunged his fangs.

blood staining the bed and his fang
- *fangs

Do you even know what a heart is!? A miserable pile of emotions for us to feed on! And you won’t refuse to do so!
- Double negative. He "won't refuse to do so" means he's perfectly willing to do so.

as clashed against each other repeatedly
- as *they clashed against each other repeatedly

“You what to know where this strength came?”
. . . You what to know why!? - *want

Dramatic moment ruined.

“Just like that, you’re gonna ya quit?”
- you're *gonna quit?". You got rand 'ya' stuck in there.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Kalinka shook her head in disappointment.
- This sounds like Kalinka is the one speaking. Put "Kalinka shook her head in disappointment" on the next line.

they said, a smile smile on their faces.
- *a smile on their faces, or even better smiles on their faces

he picked up Yin magic, - Did you mean he picked up in in his magic? It's written like he picked up Yin's magic somehow.

a metaphorical target reticle appearing in his
- This is not a typo. It's just such an obscure word that I wasn't sure what you meant for a second. You don't have to change it of course, but 'cross-hairs' may be a bit clearer.

Yin barely had time to react as the beam grew closer to him, threatening to engulf him.

“If you think it’ll be that easy, you’re sorely mistaken!” Yin said

Having the time to get out that whole sentence is 'barely had time to react'? Seems like plenty of time, especially considering he should be getting blasted right now.

You cut away and when you cut back to the subconscious you seem to be trying to do something like that scene in Harry Potter where he's dueling with Voldemort and both their spells are joined in a single beam. You'd do better to describe that this is what's happening before cutting away, otherwise, I'm left wondering why the spell isn't just blasting Yin while he's spitting out a one-liner.

“In the name of Tau, please be strong Spirit.” she said, struggling to keep a grip on him.

In the name of Tau?

This isn't a technical mistake, but without any prior established world-building on that it just make me wonder who/what Tau is. Maybe you don't really care and it's just a reference to your own headcanon, like I said, not technically wrong just thought I'd point it out.

“Wait, Spirit? You mean the your cousin is a Changeling?” - *You mean your cousin. You got a random "the' in there.

I won’t let arrest you.”
- Missing word. "I won't let *them arrest you."

we I had that nasty headache?”
- **When I had that nasty headache?"

he won’t be showing up anything soon.
- showing up anytime* soon.

“I decided to Equestria
- "I decided to come to* Equestria.

Kalinka slowly got off the and followed Luna
- off the *bed and followed Luna

A popular piece of proof-reading advice is to read what you write backwards so you notice every word. But that's tedious. I'd suggest reading things carefully out loud to yourself to catch missing words/extra words, etc. Or get a proof-reader. I think you can get volunteers on the Fimfiction forum if you can't get any friends or family to do it.

I liked the opening, it was a good way of delivering exposition that felt natural and engaging.

The story was interesting, I thought the Aloe and Lotus scene was resolved a bit quickly though. Did Lotus just not care that he was a changeling once Aloe made her decision? Did she just not have any seniority because she's the little sister? I felt like that was left untouched.

Anyway, I read this story at about 2 am in the morning after I should've gone to bed and I don't regret it.

Awe... that’s cute
Also what other half is he thought?

Is he still a little Colt or you just did a time skip when he’s finally old enough to live by himself as a Stallion.

Bruh...
I hope his changeling side will reform himself in the end or just completely destroyed Yin so the pony side can take the changeling abilities.

“I’m a monster for doing what nature intended? I’m just following the Rules of Nature. Something that you should be doing.” Yin said smugly.

Rules of Nature?
And they run when the sun comes up, with their lives on the line?

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