Rarity feels like she's in a dream. In only a few months, she meets Fancy Pants, and his over-adoring wife Fleur, designs a wedding dress for one of the most exclusive weddings ever, and, best of all, falls in love. However, her dream is about to be shattered. Walking home to the boutique, going to the Library, out to buy some carrots, she catches fleeting glimpses of a mysterious pony figure wherever she goes. If that is bad enough, in the middle of the night she'll get pleading phone calls from an anxious mare, offering warnings and asking for help. She tries to shake it off, but Twilight knows what's up. Something sinister is revolving around Rarity. But who's causing it?
Thanks to LandUnderWave for the idea: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/LandUnderWave
This could be kinda cool. Go on.
I'm intrigued. However, you did have several errors such as missing letters and an uncaptialized "I". Other than that, the premise of the story has me very interested. Can't wait for more!
505791
Oh, thanks. My keyboards' kinda hard to type on, so I do make some errors. Could you point them out for me, so I could fix them? Thanks!
505802
"Oh, i don't think you'd want to know the reason."
"Sh skidded to a stop"
"...Sweetie would get i the way."
505822
Hey, I'm looking for a prereader or two to spellcheck my stories. Wanna be one?
505842
Sure, always happy to help.
Hmmm.... please, continue.
505854
Thanks, I'll just PM them to you when I finish with them. I'd also appreciate some ideas and critique.
505856
I'll try to update every two days, I have a general idea of where this is going, and the end. It might end up being like 8 chapters or something, though...
I like it~
Do keep it going
I'm wondering whether I should do another chapter tonight...
Help?
>>goldenmoonpony Two in one day? Nah.
Seriously, chill out, take a short break, and take the time to make the next chapter good. Rushing stuff out is rushing stuff out, no matter how good you are. Another chapter can afford to wait a day or two.
506235
You're right. I'll just put my beginning ideas down on paper,don't want to lose 'em, but I'll do the major proofing and writing over a couple of days.
Ohh, I see what you did there...
You'll probably want to make the bits written from the perspective of whoever tracking her stand out a smidgen more. Italics would work great.
On a similar note, the part at the top could use a bit more separating it from the rest of the story. Another star or two in that line (and that line only) may well do it, though I'd go with two or more to be safe.
On breaking immersion...
That's not... It's the only break I caught, and I'm fairly confident it'll throw people off. It certainly threw me off for a second. (Not that I can think of anything to replace it with...)
> She dove into his arms sobbing
> dove into his arms
> arms
That's all I've got on this specifically. I've got another comment I was writing up, but now I've got to update it. More to come.
(also: first?)
510619
Crap, I've failed as an editor. I think the word you're looking for is "forearms". That's what I've seen in other fics.
Rapidly updated, nailed everything. --nice-- --well-done-- Holy crap you're fast. (don't really know what to say here...
)
You've obsoleted my "other comment". Basically, I was like "hey, you can do some more of these flashback -y shorts and string us along just right, then invoke the rest of the plot", but you've one-uped that idea by including bits of 'present' heading each 'flashback'.
>>MclarenMP4-27 Only if nothing else changed between what you saw and what went up. If there was other stuff that didn't get past you, then you're doing alright.
Yes! Suffer rarity! Suffer! I'm enjoying this
Ooh, you've really nailed down 'creepy stalker'. I feel he's one step away from leaving dead animal parts in her mailbox.
510637 I think it's actually forelegs. That's the actual term for the front legs of horses and ponies anyway. Forearms are the part of your arms between the elbows and hands... I think.
513237
THAT'S what it is, I knew forearms still didn't sound right.
That give away ruined the story mostly I suggest removing the last sentence
520607
Not necessarily, there's a clue hidden earlier in the story about her.... "admirer".
Oh my
HIM?
520909 yeah but there is a difference between small clues and dead giveaways
523405
It's all in how you look at it, my friend. To be fair, however, I'm not sure if goldenmoonpony meant to hide the "admirer's" identity and this was a purposeful reveal.
At first, I wanted it to be the reader knew who it was, and then Rarity realizes it at a funeral... But I decided this was better.
I still suspect the same person. I haven't met them on the show yet, so I'm not completely certain, but all the pieces appear to fit. Rarity still hasn't figured out who her stalker is, though.
> Rarity threw herself into his arms.
An edit of some sort appears to be in order.
Arms got through again. Actually, in this case I think it works better -- forcing a 'pony' term feels, well, forced. I'd say leave it... except you use forelegs in the next paragraph.
I was getting worried without your regularly scheduled criticism.
Hehe... yeah... arms...
Seriously, if you don't update this soon I will end up like this
On a brighter note I absolutely love this story! Very well written and the plot is fantastic!
Can't wait for more
547159
Have no fear! After my prereader checks it, you'll have a chapter that's over 2,000 words long!
And the plot thickens....
550878
Woah! Nice idea! I TOTALLY know how to use that in the story...
550998 I can't tell if that's sarcasm or not.
551069
No, no, seriously, I really want to use that idea! It would work perfectly with what I want to do in the next chapter or two...
551089 Awesome!
Then I should erase that comment. Don't want to spoil anything.
551108
Don't worry, I'll credit you for your little 'idea'.
551117 That's kind of you.
But you don't have to.
This is fantastic!
All I can say is that once again you have written a wonderful chapter. As weird as it sounds I can't wait for her 'stalker' to finally take her....
I love how
is completely forgaten and no one gives a crap not even her sister
565530
I'm so sorry Sweetie...
Hopefully she'll be getting a bigger part in next next 2-3 chapters.
Definitely in the epilogue though.
Damn.
Well, at least the guards are going to realize something sooner or later.
Absolutely epic! Wonderfully written my dear, can't wait for more!
Trotting into Grimdark are we? or have we?
I'm an idiot. I was betting on Blueblood. Well played sir.
I thought that Twilight and big Mac was going to the funeral why are they not included?
585783
No no, Twilight and Big Mac aren't going to the funeral. I explained why, too. I'm sorry, was there any confusion?
586245 where did you explain it i could not find it
586965
It's in the first paragraph after the first break:
"The package from earlier had scared Rarity, and to be honest, she still was, but that wasn't going to stand in the way of mourning politely. She was going to go to Fleur's funeral, which was to be held in Canterlot, three days from now. Twilight and Big Mac had both offered to come, but neither of them knew Fleur de Lis, so she rejected them. It would just be awkward for everypony."