This could be kinda cool.  Go on.

I'm intrigued. However, you did have several errors such as missing letters and an uncaptialized "I". Other than that, the premise of the story has me very interested. Can't wait for more!

>>505791505791

Oh, thanks. My keyboards' kinda hard to type on, so I do make some errors. Could you point them out for me, so I could fix them? Thanks!

>>505802505802

"Oh, i don't think you'd want to know the reason."

"Sh skidded to a stop"

"...Sweetie would get i the way."

>>505822505822

Hey, I'm looking for a prereader or two to spellcheck my stories. Wanna be one?

>>505842505842

Sure, always happy to help.

Hmmm.... please, continue.

>>505854505854

Thanks, I'll just PM them to you when I finish with them. I'd also appreciate some ideas and critique.

>>505856505856

I'll try to update every two days, I have a general idea of where this is going, and the end. It might end up being like 8 chapters or something, though...

so awesome. u and i write somewhat alike. Naice story so far. 20% cooler than most ive read recently keep up the good work man!

I like it~ Do keep it going

I'm wondering whether I should do another chapter tonight...

Help?

>>goldenmoonpony Two in one day? Nah.

Seriously, chill out, take a short break, and take the time to make the next chapter good.  Rushing stuff out is rushing stuff out, no matter how good you are.  Another chapter can afford to wait a day or two.

>>506235506235

You're right. I'll just put my beginning ideas down on paper,don't want to lose 'em, but I'll do the major proofing and writing over a couple of days.

Ohh, I see what you did there...

You'll probably want to make the bits written from the perspective of whoever tracking her stand out a smidgen more.  Italics would work great.

On a similar note, the part at the top could use a bit more separating it from the rest of the story.  Another star or two in that line (and that line only) may well do it, though I'd go with two or more to be safe.

On breaking immersion...

> She dove into his arms sobbing

> dove into his arms

> arms  

That's not... It's the only break I caught, and I'm fairly confident it'll throw people off.  It certainly threw me off for a second.  (Not that I can think of anything to replace it with...)

That's all I've got on this specifically.  I've got another comment I was writing up, but now I've got to update it.  More to come.

(also: first?)

>>510619510619

Crap, I've failed as an editor. I think the word you're looking for is "forearms". That's what I've seen in other fics.

Rapidly updated, nailed everything.  --nice--   --well-done--   Holy crap you're fast. (don't really know what to say here... )

You've obsoleted my "other comment".  Basically, I was like "hey, you can do some more of these flashback -y shorts and string us along just right, then invoke the rest of the plot", but you've one-uped that idea by including bits of 'present' heading each 'flashback'.

>>MclarenMP4-27 Only if nothing else changed between what you saw and what went up.  If there was other stuff that didn't  get past you, then you're doing alright.

Yes! Suffer rarity! Suffer! I'm enjoying this

Ooh, you've really nailed down 'creepy stalker'. I feel he's one step away from leaving dead animal parts in her mailbox.

>>510637510637 I think it's actually forelegs. That's the actual term for the front legs of horses and ponies anyway. Forearms are the part of your arms between the elbows and hands... I think.

>>513237513237

THAT'S what it is, I knew forearms still didn't sound right.

That give away ruined the story mostly I suggest removing the last sentence

>>520607520607

Not necessarily, there's a clue hidden earlier in the story about her.... "admirer".

Oh my

HIM?

>>520909520909 yeah but there is a difference between small clues and dead giveaways

>>523405523405

It's all in how you look at it, my friend. To be fair, however, I'm not sure if goldenmoonpony meant to hide the "admirer's" identity and this was a purposeful reveal.

At first, I wanted it to be the reader knew who it was, and then Rarity realizes it at a funeral... But I decided this was better.

I still suspect the same person.  I haven't met them on the show yet, so I'm not completely certain, but all the pieces appear to fit.  Rarity still hasn't figured out who her stalker is, though.

> Rarity threw herself into his arms.

Arms got through again.  Actually, in this case I think it works better -- forcing a 'pony' term feels, well, forced.  I'd say leave it... except you use forelegs in the next paragraph.   An edit of some sort appears to be in order.

I was getting worried without your regularly scheduled criticism.

Hehe... yeah... arms...

Seriously, if you don't update this soon I will end up like this

On a brighter note I absolutely love this story! Very well written and the plot is fantastic!

Can't wait for more

>>547159547159

Have no fear! After my prereader checks it, you'll have a chapter that's over 2,000 words long!

And the plot thickens....

>>550878550878

Woah! Nice idea! I TOTALLY know how to use that in the story...

>>550998550998 I can't tell if that's sarcasm or not.

>>551069551069

No, no, seriously, I really want to use that idea! It would work perfectly with what I want to do in the next chapter or two...

>>551089551089 Awesome!

Then I should erase that comment. Don't want to spoil anything.

>>551108551108

Don't worry, I'll credit you for your little 'idea'.

>>551117551117 That's kind of you. But you don't have to.

This is fantastic!

All I can say is that once again you have written a wonderful chapter. As weird as it sounds I can't wait for her 'stalker' to finally take her....

I love how is completely forgaten and no one gives a crap not even her sister

>>565530565530

I'm so sorry Sweetie...

Hopefully she'll be getting a bigger part in next next 2-3 chapters.

Definitely in the epilogue though.

Damn.

Well, at least the guards are going to realize something sooner or later.

Absolutely epic! Wonderfully written my dear, can't wait for more!

Trotting into Grimdark are we? or have we?

I'm an idiot. I was betting on Blueblood. Well played sir.

I thought that Twilight and big Mac was going to the funeral why are they not included?

>>585783585783

No no, Twilight and Big Mac aren't going to the funeral. I explained why, too. I'm sorry, was there any confusion?

>>586245586245 where did you explain it i could not find it

>>586965586965

It's in the first paragraph after the first break:

"The package from earlier had scared Rarity, and to be honest, she still was, but that wasn't going to stand in the way of mourning politely. She was going to go to Fleur's funeral, which was to be held in Canterlot, three days from now. Twilight and Big Mac had both offered to come, but neither of them knew Fleur de Lis, so she rejected them. It would just be awkward for everypony."

well played Fancy Pants.

Btw, i found a gramatical error; you used "Fancy Pant's", when the apostrophe goes after the 's'. Using the apostrophe in the first place implies his name is Fancy Pant.

Thought I might help ya out there, bud, since I favorited the story

>>592270592270

Thanks, I'm usually good with this stuff

>>592677592677

No problem, sir. Continue with the good work.

>>574899574899

Unless he's paying them to keep quiet.

Oh yes... Romance and Grimdark. My favorite!

Aha ! It was Blueblood !

Called It! *Dances like old man from six flags commercial*

In the words of Charlie Sheen: "Winning."

Ok. This is getting ridiculous. I mean, I can understand caution but with how spooked up she was while being still in Ponyville, then she disappears while in Canterlot and they don't at least ask, oh I don't know, Twi's brother, the freaking captain of the guard, to look for her? Or organize so that someone from the group can go to Canterlot and ask around, look around?

"Best not to have them worry?" Ehm, actually, when a person has no contact with you and disappears for FIVE DAYS AFTER THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO GO BACK, it's the PERFECT TIME to start worrying and get your flanks in gear.

Sorry if I seem harsh, but it's because you had started so well and I hate seeing this go down the cropper.

Meinos Kaen

P.S.: Also, first, I guess

>>765612765612

Here, I fixed it. If it's still not at it's best, do you have any words or advice?

>>767319767319 Aaaah, much better. Ok, now it can keep going. Next time, though, just... Well, I'll put it like this. I understand that you did that first version because you have a pace set up for the story, but you have to always make dramatic pacing meet common sense. Unless it's a crack fic. Yes, it is a story, but it still has to follow logic, no?

Meinos Kaen

You mispelled fleur at the very end.

u mispelled 'let's' in one of twilight's lines but otherwise great job. Which is why I favorited this story.