Rarity gets invited by Spike to meet him at the crystal palace.
And then Spike gets her wet.
(This is my first story ever. Any helpful advice or critiques are welcome. )
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 5th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
gchamp89
Best line ever - "You can shine no matter what your're made of."
gchamp89
Joined 5th Jul, 2014 ·
Offline
Sequels1
-
gchamp89 · 1.5k words · 11 0 · 638 views
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Hardline Potato · 3.5k words · 59 13 · 2.6k views
- Excy · 1k words · 67 6 · 3.5k views
- Sense of Humor · 1.3k words · 75 6 · 3.3k views
- Arete · 1.8k words · 55 7 · 2.9k views
- Typewrittensoul · 4.1k words · 62 9 · 4.4k views
- Eclipse Lightning · 3.2k words · 72 1 · 4k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.104 seconds
Total duration
873 users online
1,115,144 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Funny...
Good story!
I chuckled for most of it..
Your really good at breaking the fourth wall, so I compliment your writing techniqes by doing so.
I feel though this is very heartwarming and nice, it's a kind of story to get you down in the dumps!
You have a great story career ahead of you!!
And this is a huge start!!
Crafty ,smart & Wow. Thank you.
Now to fix the plumbing
5263929
Plumbing?
5263978 Pipes, fixtures, sinks ,showers, Hot water hearers, Rotor rooter, PLUMBING.
5264061
I forget to add, 'Your plumbing?' to the comment, sorry for looking stupid for a moment..
Sometimes people use the expression, plumbing up the story, meaning fixing it up, so I wanted to get that clarified..
5264130 Anything Hydraulic needs plumbing. Some systems at higher pressures than others. Though I'm pretty sure a Plumber doesn't work on helicopter Rotor plumbing. Only a trained Helicopter Mechanic should be messing with those.
5264255 And this is why I'm glad I work with electronics exclusively. I have to worry about 5VDC, 12VDC, and 110VAC, and nothing else.
WELP, I just got trolled. LOL rarity is right though!:
I love these type of random stories, your awesome. (Grammar freaks might rip you apart, but don't listen to them. Keep WRITTING )
I read the Title, then the comments... I don't know what to think... Well, only one way to find out what it ACTALLY means!
Edit: Finished reading it and this was the first thing I thought after reading it "... huh..."
I like it
What if she stuck under her bed and Spike 'help' her out?
I recommend you proofread your work before posting. Also, is English not your native language? You're making a lot of very basic mistakes.
Like said anything helpful advice you want to give me I'll take it. --> That said, I'll take any helpful advice you want to give.
Mixed time tense. "Was" and" weren't" are past tense. "That means" is present.
You've introduced yourself personally as a personal narrator in th story. While that's valid, it's mildly frowned on, and generally best avoided by first time writers, as it's difficult to do well and tends to annoy some readers. For example, there are some great stories about OC alicorns. But if write one, you're immediately going to alienate some readers by doing it.
1) That's a run-on sentence. The comma after "digress" should be a period.
2) Why is this its own paragraph? You don't need to indent for single sentences, and nothing about this justifies having its own paragraph.
1) Again, you're shifting time tenses.
2) It's jarring to talk abot the messages she just received without having mentioned that she received it. It's unclear until later in the story that she received the invitation before the story started.
"this"
1) The phrasing here is awful. I'm unsure whether these are simply words that have been put in accidentally, or whether your'e trying to make her read poorly, but the grammar here is atrocious. I realize you have Rarity making fun of Spike's casual speech, but "is worth all it because all" really doesn't work. "complained while putting her hoof to her head posing dramatically." doesn't really work either.
2) tired" --> tired,"
Punctuation:
Oh here's a map, Rairty. It's very easy to get lost.
Also, your use of "real" is not correct. It's a type of incorrect that is often made in common speech, but it's out of character for Rarity to make that particular mistake. IT doesn't follow her speech pattern.
Punctuation.
1) "then noticed that hoof?" I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean.
2) Two sentences in a row with the same "She then X" structure. Don't do that.
1) of map --> of the map
2) "Then" isn't necessary.
3) General phrasing is awkward.
1) Punctuation
2) You're stringing too many sentences with "then." "She then noticed" "she then made it" "she then proceeded." Yes, we understand that these things are happening in the order you're writing them. You don't need to keep telling us that the next thing you say "then" happened after the preceeding thing you said.
3) proceed --> proceeded
you --> You
1) Is he "Spikey-Wikey" or "Spike-Wikey?
2) "was most piqued" is not correct grammar in this context.
3) quick --> quickly
1) It's peculiar to specify that he "started" to blush rather than simply telling us that he blushed. Why are you calling attention the the beginning of the process of blushing? Did he start to blush, and then not finish? Did he begin blushing, but completing his blush was a lengthy process that didn't complete until several sentences later? Why are you doing this? The way you've phrased it seems to imply that remembering the reason he called her hereinterrupted his blushing, and so he somehow never finished blushing.
2) here, --> here.
3) Oh snap, Rarity --> Oh, snap! Rarity
4) "I got something to show you" is grammatically incorrect. But earlier you had Rarity mocking Spike's grammar, so I'm unsure whether you're deliberately having him speak incorrectly.
...umm, ok?
Also: cosy --> cozy
Yeah, this is exactly why people dislike personal narration. The narration style you're using adds nothing to the story.
kitchens." Spike --> kitchens," Spike
1) he --> the
2) "Saw" is a peculiar word choice in this context. It's not incorrect, but "watched" would be a more natural choice.
3) Is English not your native language? Your verb/object/subject ordering is unusual. The more natural way to phrase this would be "Rarity watched as Spike pulled a round, bluish blob out of the sink." Your word order is not incorrect. Yes, you can do what you're doing in English. But it's unusual.
Needs a comma: Rarity giving --> Rarity, giving
place" said --> place," said
Awkward phrasing.
1) What explosion? It's weird to suddenly introduce this in this manner.
2) THAT'S was --> THAT was
That's is a contraction of "that is" or "that was." Saying "that's was" is like saying "that is was" or "that was was." It doesn't work.
3) 2 days ago'. --> 2 days ago.'
Though note that the proper convention here varies depending on whether your'e using American English or British English. If your'e using British English, I think you have it correct. Otherwise, no.
1) in --> into
2) treated --> exposed
3) You're not actually saying what I assume you probably mean. I think you mean that when heated, they keep, or "harden" in the shape they'd been given. That's not what you're saying. You appear to be saying that when heated they take on the shape they'd be shaped to. Which is kind of like saying that when you eat an apple, it's eaten. It doesn't really convey any new information.
1) of blob --> of the blob (or) of a blob
2) subject --> subjected
Spike! This
Oh, look!!!!!!Exclamation point abuse!!!!!!! Do you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if we add more!!!!!!!!!!!!! exclamation!!!!!!!!!! points!!!!!!!!! we'll get the!!!!!!!!!! point across!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, one is enough.
Also: possibiltes --> possibilities
Punctuation: blushed and said, "well
Anotehr example of stringing things together with "then." Yes, we understand that the thing you say next happens after the thing you said before. You don't need to continually keep reminding us. You're needlessly adding extra words for no reason.
For example:
Spike tapped the faucet, releasing a stream of cold water onto the rose, turning it back into a rose-shaped blob.
It's a little odd that you keep saying this.
Punctuation and capitalization:
"Simply marvelous, my little Spikey-Wikey," Rarity complimented.
Needs a period:
thank you."
Dash and ellipses? Pick one. Related, you're over-using ellipses:
I'm not going to quote them all, but you're way over-using this. Ellipses are used to indicate a trailing off pause in spoken speech, or an omission from quoted material. They should not be used to replace a comma.
Needs a comma: wrong, Spike
Tapping it once turns it on and off? Are you sure that's what you mean? How do you turn it on and keep it on if tapping it causes it turn on and off?
Incorrect word choice.
naught --> not
"Naught" means something totally else.
1) Needs a period
2) Generally poor grammar. Rephrase that.
It's a little odd that despite the urgency of the situation, you have Spike not using the obvious contraction: "I'm" instead of "I am." It's not incorrect, but it's a little odd.
1) Yes, we understand that he came back out after he shut the water off. You don't need to keep constantly reminding us that something happened and then the next thing happened.
2) bunch large --> bunch of large
3) "Quickly?" Why did he grab the towels quickly? Of all the things going on here, Rarity being soaked in a panic, he leisurely went under the sink, he leisurely turned the water off, but then OMG! Need to hurry!" "quickly" grabbed some towels? Why?
Again with the quickly. Two sentences in a row, even.
1) Wow, she recovered quickly from that.
2) Peculiar punctuation. Read that out loud with the commas and see if that's really how you want her to say that.
1) Again with the "then."
2) on the wall --> on the wall.
will --> we'll
1) Punctuation and capitalization:
Okay, Bye Rarity" Spike --> Okay, bye Rarity," Spike
2) While drying the floor? Things things happened at the same time? Spike was ignoring Rarity and paying attention to drying the floor when he answered her?
Another shift in time tense. Although I'll note that this one makes more sense, since Rarity is addressing the reader. So this might be ok. But again, I recommend caution with the style of narration you're using here. I might have to go back and read the beginning and ending again to figure out if you were deliberately doing something slightly meta here. It's not obvious on the first read.
By all means, as a writer, explore this kind of thing. But if you're going to do it, you kind of need to do it well or else it comes across as bad writing.
an --> a
inside, --> inside.
1) well --> will
2) assure --> assured
5264265 30/28 VDC, 24VDC ,12 DC110AC, 300AC, 5DC, linear transformers, helipilot systems good mechanics also do good electrical.
As for this story it's a different fresh look at Rarity, Through the 4th wall.
Aging spell !
Best title ever, both of 'em.
Exactly what was on the tin, and very obvious... Drop the second line of the description and you are gold.
5264831 Thanks for the tip.
Wow, fucking tease, much?
I figured something like that was going to happen. At least there was wet mane Rarity for a short while there, that's always cool.
Silly Rarity, only Pinkie can break the fourth wall!
Yeah, that pretty much went EXACTLY the way I expected it to on reading the title.
5268448 What do you mean?
5269787 Your picture really bloody enchances the comment you made XD
Hmmm, only one proper way to display my approval.
hahahahahahahaha amazing wow
media.giphy.com/media/EByzwv33KTAqs/giphy.gif
Still getting her wet?
fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/050/9/3/spike_rarity_splash_by_hillbe-d8iq6be.jpg
Ok, I see you have plenty of technical feedback already. Allow me to add mine:
Short feedback: You have a lot to learn, just like me. We're pretty much in the same boat. You will definitely benefit from a committed editor or 2. Check your tenses, and how many times you press your space bar. For this particular fic, since Rarity will apparently talk to the reader, I think present-tense would be better. But whether past or present, you have to stick with one. I still make this error, though. And my editors keep harping me about it, to my utmost shame and dishonor.
Detailed feedback:
1. "She then continued down the hallway, checking the doors for the room she was looking for, until she came to a intersection and made a right."
2. Rarity stops and pulls out the message she got from Spike,
- Check your tenses.
3. Rarity sighed. "Well I do hope that whatever this this thing I 'just gotta see' is worth all it because all this walking is making me tired," Rarity complained while putting her hoof to her head posing dramatically.
4. With the help of map she then made it to the door of the room that was her destination. She then proceeded to knock and call out, "Hello?...Spikey-Wikey?".
- Add "ed" to proceed, and delete "."
5. "Rarity! you came! " Spike happily exclaimed while hugging Rarity.
6. Rarity quickly returned the hug, "Why of course my little Spike-Wikey, your message was most piqued my interest and I came as quick as I could. Also seeing my favorite dragon never fails to lift my spirits."
7. "My what a cosy little kitchen" Rarity repeating what I just said while walking to the sink. "Is this the main kitchen?"
- Add "," after "kitchen."
8. "No, just one of the smaller kitchens." Spike answered. "I thing this palace has at least 5 or so...but anyway check this out!"
9. Rarity saw Spike pull out of he sink a round bluish blob. It glowed with a pretty blue light and was malleable in the dragon's hands.
10. Rarity nodded while thinking 'So THAT'S was the cause of that explosion 2 days ago'.
- Rarity nodded while thinking, "So THAT'S was the cause of that explosion 2 days ago."
- If you want it could be like this: Rarity nodded while thinking, "So THAT'S was the cause of that explosion 2 days ago."
11. "Rarity's jaw hit the floor. "Spike! this...this is amazing!! I have never seen anything like this!!! Why the possibilites are endless!!"
12. After Spike's brain booted back up from the massive sensory overload, he blushed and said "Well, anything for you, Lady Rarit-oh I just remembered, there's something else you need to know."
- Paragraph tab all of a sudden?
13. "Oh my look at the time, I have to return back to the shop if want finish that dress order on time. Come by the shop tomorrow with those gems and will see what we can create. I'll see you then, my Spikey-Wikey"
- we'll
14. "Okay, Bye Rarity" Spike replied while drying the floor.
15. After closing the door, Rarity exits the castle and heads towards her home. But before she opens the door she turns towards the reader with smile "I truly do hope you're not feeling cheated because, like the title said, I did, in fact, get wet."
- Check your tenses.
- After reading this, I felt like I may have missed something, like the story may have jumped.
16. She turns around and opens the door.
- Check your tenses.
17. She turns around and opens the door. "Get your mind out of the gutter already you hooligans, my Spikey-Wikey still has a couple of years until he's an proper ADULT dragon."
She steps inside, "But fret not, Twilight used her magic to show me very accurate pictures of what Spike well look like then and so rest assure..."
She turns around towards the reader with bedroom eyes and sly smile on her face "He'll get me PLENTY wet then."
She closes the door .
18. Also, the way Rarity is shown to be talking to the reader/s is..."all of a sudden." Do note that I perfectly imagined it (which makes it disturbing thanks to the subject matter) because I have a "story-board" type imagination. But other readers may find it jarring. I have no idea how, but I know it can be done - you have to introduce Rarity talking to the reader more fluidly.
Let me give this a shot:
Meh.
LOL! Went exactly like I expected after reading the title...nnnot really
Well done! Should I wait some story from you in the future that shows us how Spike will get Rarity PLENTY wet like she said? 