- Member Since 20th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
RevenantHunter
Why do I put all the stories I have problems continuing on the site while keeping the ones I literally have spent years typing with a friend to myself? The heck's wrong with me?
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*eye twitchs*I knew this was coming sooner or later......if im right......Twince?....and if so...wouldnt that be in a way incest seeing that cadence is married to her brother?
502263
well to me, real incest is only for blood relations or someone raised by an adoptive family for an extremely long time (like birth or early childhood)
While relations with an in-law is sticky, I don't treat it as real incest
Let me say this:
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Ugh, having a pony be in heat is such an overused way of creating clop scenarios.
I'm tracking this, seems interesting
was going to put a massive load of suggestions I just kept coming up with but I decided to just PM it in case the author wanted to actually use one so it wouldn't some how foreshadow something.
Oooh, I'm itching to call this "Cadelight" - get it? Candlelight? Cade...light?
I'll shut up now.
Also, I'm viewer 69. Oh the irony.
Khm khm, to start off:
The first sentence is just a big NO. Why in the world would you go and write a lengthy description of her Cutie Mark? If you need to point out it's Twilight, do so by saying her name or mentioning a purple unicorn. I have yet to see ANOTHER purple unicorn from the show. And that description of her mane?? Dude, cut it out with the adjectives and color naming! We all know who Twilight Sparkle is, and how she looks.
The paragraph where she grabs Spike's basket is one huge disaster of a sentence - apparently it misses a few words and semicolons. Nothing you're unable to fix.
"Twilight, her lower half feeling like it was sitting in lava"
I doubt ANYPONY is in that much heat, literally. I'd say you find a more suitable comparison, but that's just me.
"A white unicorn mare with a coiffed purple mane and matching tale (...) sapphire blue eyes and three diamonds for a cutie mark "
It's tail, and cut it with unnecessarily long descriptions. Again.
Finally putting all of that aside, this isn't bad at all. In fact it caught my interest, but probably not in the way you wanted - this looks much like a start of a romantic story about Spike and Rarity! And Twilight's reason to leave him at Rarity sounds like a humorous way to start the story. I mean, now I want to see more interaction between Spike and Rarity, but instead, this will probably continue in Twilight's direction. In short, you give too much attention to something that won't happen, most likely ( I don't know what you had planned for Spike ). I mean, if I were to read this with no given description, my first thought would be "aww, how sweet, Spike and Rarity are probably in for a cute, romantic week of awkwardsness as their love grows" or something like that.
502504
Uh, sorry people, I know the story is pretty sloppy to start with, but I'll edit it and then post the next chapter. I typed this at like 1:00 AM too, which was a HUGE mistake on my part.
I'll fix it up, add some things and remove some things, all that jazz.
502308
I know a pony in heat is pretty overused, but it's the only excuse I can think of to get the story going.
502278
I'm with you on that argument.
502504I ALREADY NAMED IT TWINCE
502846
Haha, imma be trackin this nigga yo.
UPDATE! - I have edited the first chapter and fixed a few things. It may not be absolutely perfect, but it should at least be an improvement.
A legitimate start, nothing here to really critique than the lack of clop in the first chapter.
I actually like the fact that it isn't immediate simple clop. Adding plot to your clop is always a good thing in my book.
508155
Thanks. I was going for a story where it builds up to the clop instead of it being an immediate jump to the clop. Besides, I need to have some things explained before I do the clop scene. If I didn't, the story would have more holes in it than Queen Chrysalis's fetlocks.
You have my attention with this fic. A Cadenlight clop fic sounds really interesting considering the history these two have together. Hope to see more soon.
502308 Uh dude, having a character be in heat is an overused plot device for THOUSANDS of pornographic literature in general, it does get annoying, but remember that for this story to work as planned, TS needs to be incredibly horny and by her nature, she isn't a pervert, so the writer needed a believable reason. But it is a really bad idea, no matter how efficient it is, some ponies have NO imagination.
521991
EXACTLY! I couldn't have put it better myself. Even if I tried.
Thanks!
Though now, I'm trying to decide if I should feel slightly offended, yet grateful, or if I should just simply feel grateful.
I'll admit, a mare in heat is DEFINITELY overused, but like you said, the-pieman, I couldn't go any other way but the 'mare in heat tactice'.
522071 Yeah, I'm also a bit of a grammar cop (not a grammar natzi), I do point out the errors made, but not like "Haha! You're stupid" my way is more like "I noticed an error, now that you know what it is, you can change it so nopony thinks your not as smart as you really are" Remember, everypony makes mistakse... err, mistakes.
update soon please
Um... you seemed pretty adamant to continue in your PMs and on the board but... now it looks like you just left it to die... PLEASE prove me wrong, I love seeing newer writers succeed and even more so if they tell me I helped in some way, don't make me feel like I didn't help enough...
*/slight guilt trip*
558639 Yeah, I'm actually tearing myself up with all this.
I got over four different stories to update, and I'm having ZERO inspiration right now.
But, I am still working on the latest chapter for this story, which means I may post it soon. Just need to figure out a way to continue.
maybe I can help you toss some ideas around. I'm having a little trouble with my own story as well. I can't figure out how to pull off a secretive Luna that makes sense and doesn't make her sound paranoid. Maybe some idea bouncing will help? I'll PM ya
502308 if thats true why cant i find any good ones
659096 Finding good ones is entirely different.
Will you ever update this?
Are you ever going to update this? Just curious.
How's that update coming?
Good Sir Do You Have An Intention On Finishing This Just Curious?
2192567
i dO hOpe hE dOes iNtend tO fInish iT.
i rEally lIke tHis oNe.
I'm okay with this...keep it coming!