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55w, 2dHuman in Equestria
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22w, 6dHumans Aren't Bastards
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51w, 2dUnique Transformation
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'aaaawwwwww, my head.' I think as my skull throbs like a drum. I lay there trying to remember what happened. 'Lets see, there was the zebra with the stick, the mutated rhinoceros, the fight, and then the ... explosion?' Where had that come from? 'uuuhhhh, my head hurts. Why does it feel like someone is still beating on it?' Wait a minute! I lay there for a little bit when I soon realize that I am actually hearing real drums. What the?I open my eyes, well eye anyway, and I saw a lot of dark blurry shapes. I had to blink a few times before my vision became clear.
I was laying on some sort of woven grass mat in some sort of a hut. There were funny looking masks hanging on the walls and a giant cauldron in the middle with something cooking in it. I took a whiff. It smelled wonderful. I couldn't remember when the last time I ate was. I hear some voices from outside coming back towards the hut. I look towards the entrance just as the zebra who I had helped had walked in. He stopped and his eyes opened in surprise when he noticed I was awake and was looking at him. He stared at me and I got a better look at him. He was about three and a half tall and had enormous eyes that took up most of the front of his face and his head was rounder than a normal zebra's and his muzzle was a lot shorter. He also had on what looked like a wooden necklace. He looked at me and without saying a word turned around and left.
It wasn't half a minute later when he comes back with in with four other zebras. All of them where taller than he was and three of them where decked out in face paint and had big staffs like the one the young zebra had. The fourth one was shorter than the other three but still taller than the zebra I had helped. She (well at least I'll assume its a she for now) had on a massive amount of metal ring around her neck and hooves. She moves over to my side as I try to sit up. She gets right up into my face and just stares at me. I try not to show it but she was starting to creep me out.
"I see no evil intentions in this creature." she says as she backs away. The three with the staffs visibly relax.
"What are you, creature?" she asks as she makes her way to the cauldron.
I think about it for a minute
"I guess I'm a tiger."
"You guess? Don't you know what you are?"
"Hey, I haven't been like this for very long. One minute I'm with my friend and the next I'm waking up in a mud slide looking like this."
At this the three visibly tense up again.
"There are more of you?" the biggest one asked.
"Where are they? What do you intend to do here, tiger? Speak up!" he demanded.
"There are no others. I don't even know where here is!"
"You just said you came here with a friend. You keep changing your story so obviously you are lying!"
"HE'S DEAD!" I yell at him. I take a deep breath to calm down.
"He didn't survive his injuries from the mudslide."
I look away from him as he hangs his head in embarrassment. I smell something good as a bowl of, porridge it looks like, is shoved under my nose. I look up and see the zebra mare handing me the food.
"I know losing one you hold dear is hard and I am sorry for it."
I take it as she glares at the big one.
"You, my dear husband, should listen more before you accuse an innocent creature of ill intentions. You most of all should be grateful to this creature. He not only slew an enemy of this village and therefore saving all our lives, but he also saved your son." she adds, pointing a hoof over to the young colt who looked almost as ashamed as his father.
"So where are you from?" turns to me and takes the now empty bowl to go refill it.
"I don't know in relation to here. Heck I don't even know where here is. You wouldn't happen to have a map would you?"
"I got it!" came the young one's voice as all of a sudden a scroll is spread out on the ground in front of me. I look at him and he is grinning from ear to ear.
"So, what is your name, my very brave friend?"
"I'm Zimba, and I'm not that brave, not like you." he added dejectedly.
I almost choke on the porridge.
"What do you mean your not brave? You were fixing to take down a beast at least ten times your size. That takes some real guts pal." by this time his parents were listening with greater interest.
"Besides, you saved my life when you hit it when you did."
Now his parents were staring in wide eyed shock at their son when they heard this.
"I wasn't able to breathe or see clearly and it almost had me."
He looks down in embarrassment.
"Thank you." he whispers.
"Oh, and what was that explosion at the end from? I wasn't expecting that."
Once more his face takes on a look of awe.
"You shattered my husband's war staff and they are enchanted to never break." came the reply from the mare.
"No zebra or pony alive would be able to break it and you shattered it. the resulting stress caused the enchantment to escape all at once resulting in the explosion. In fact if we hadn't seen the explosion, we wouldn't have been able to find you till the morning."
I nod my head until it all sinks in.
"Wait, Enchanted? You mean like magic right?"
"Of course."
uuuuhhhh my head is starting to throb again.
"Ok, where are we?" I ask getting back to the map.
"We are right here." Zimba points to the south western edge of the map "on the Great Plains of the Equestrian Empire., and here is where my sister lives. I can't exactly remember the name of it." he points to a small town next to a forest near the center of the map.
"Ponyville" I said. he looks up at me startled.
"What?" I ask.
"How did you know?"
"It says it right there."
"You can read this?"
"Yeah, You can't?"
"It is written in Equestrian not Zebracan."
"So?"
"You've been talking in fluent Zebracan. How do you know equestrian as well? I thought you said you've never been here before."
"Hey, I've been talking in my native language called english and this is how we write." I say pointing to the map. Now he looks very confused. I understand the feeling. My head starts to hurt again as I rub it. The mare comes over and takes my dish and pushes me back down on the mat.
"You need your rest. You'll feel better in the morning." with that said, I close my eyes and drift off into a dreamless sleep.
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The next morning I wake up still tired and sore but at least I can think with out the blasted headache. I see the Mare from yesterday but I don't see her husband or his fellow guards or her son.
"Morning, sleep well?" she asks.
"Like a log." she gives me a puzzled look.
"Oh, I forgot to thank you for patching me up and feeding me yesterday."
She smiles as she comes over and takes the eye patch off. I blink away the blurriness as she says
"Me, my family and this tribe owe you more than you know."
She rubs a strong smelling ointment into my cut that hisses and stings for a second and the she rewraps it.
"One more day and you should be better. You will still have a light scar there after this, but I didn't see any damage to the actual eye so you should still have your full sight."
"Again, thank you. So.... whats your name? I don't remember if we got that far last night. I remember Zimba and I think heard your husband's but I cant remember his at the moment."
"My name is Haiba. I am the shaman and enchantress for my tribe, and my husband is Momboza. He is the chief and leader of our tribe." she explains as she hands me a bowl of what looked like oat meal.
"So what is your name o'mighty killer of the Catoblepas"
I was about to answer when I was interrupted by a flash of black and white and a loud...
"Hi mom! When's breakfast?"
"Good morning, Zimba. You don't get yours till you have gathered all the fire wood for the day."
"Awwwwwwww!"
"Don't awwwwww me young colt, you know this is your punishment for running off the other day, and if you don't like it then I'm sure we could find you something harder to do."
"How long is this going to last?" he whines.
"Until your father and I say otherwise."
"awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" he groans as he sulks out of the hut.
"Its nice to know that parenthood is universally the same everywhere." I said.
"Oh. Do you have children?"
"No ma'am, but what you just told him is something that my parents have said to me and my brothers countless times when we acted like that." we both kinda sit there with our own thoughts for a minute.
"May I look at that map again?"She nods as I go over and look at it.
"Where do you plan on going?" she asks after a few minutes.
"I have no idea. Any one place seems to be as good as the next.to me."
"If you decide to head north east towards Canterlot," she hesitates a moment "I have a daughter who lives out side a small town near there and would it be to much to ask if you could take her something from me, or if you aren't going all the way then could you drop it off at the nearest post office here in Clipton?" she says pointing on the map.
I look at her face and I see worry there. Worry for what I'm not sure so I answered "Sure I'll take it." She relaxes a little but the worry is still there.
If I'm going to carry anything I'll need to get my backpacks. Which reminds me...
"Did anyone find my bags after fighting the monster." I ask.
She hesitates for a second "We have found them but the chief is hesitant to return then since we do not understand the purpose for such strange devices."
______________________________________________________________________
Just in case anyone has noticed or is wondering, Yes, I am doing everything in my power to avoid telling his name. The biggest reason was that for the first couple of chapters I didn't know what to call him and now i'm just trying to get away with seeing how far I can keep 'no name' going. why? you may ask. because I'm evil! Bwahahahahahaha!
Please leave me comments. I need to know what i can do better.
Comments ( 50 )
Finally, it's not a brony (or, in fact, anyone who knows where they are) in Equestria, and he's not even what he should be. Good work, and I can't wait to see what you come up with next! Keep writing! ![]()
IN THE NAME OF FLUTTERSHY AND MOLESTIA I DEMAND MORE!!!MOAR!!!!MOAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!1
The only thing I can say is that I'm an engineer not an english major! hahahahaha!
on a more serious note. I am grateful for the pointing out of grammar issues. No matter how many times I go back and look at it I always find some thing that needs to be tweaked. It kinda sucks that I do my own editing.
Thank you for the suggestions. Please keep pointing out my faults and I might eventually become good at this.
looking back on it now I see what you mean by being jerked around by the story line. It is a bit choppy. I am also trying to develop the character's personality but sometimes I think I added a little too much of my own in it. So, that's why he hasn't freaked out.... yet.
It's interesting. Too fast paced, but good. The spelling and grammar could use some work.
Well... You REALLY want constructive criticism? Alright. I'll try to keep it as brief and painless as possible, but I'm not gonna hold back. Your grammar needs help. For example: '"Like a log." she gives me a puzzled look.' That 'she' should be capitalized. The only instances you can make it lowercase is when the punctuation at the end of a quote is a comma, question mark, or exclamation mark, AND it needs to have a speaking verb, like spoke, replied, said, exclaimed, questioned, inquired, ect. There's other issues as well, but that was the most noticeable one.
My other major complaint is how easily he takes being turned into a Tiger. I mean, I don't expect him to REALLY freak out, because I know that *I* wouldn't, but I would expect him to question how this happened more, as well as maybe be more devastated by his friend's death. I mean, he didn't use the emergency flares either. Call me crazy, but if my friend was dying/really sick, I'd be using those *ing things! xD
Still, the story is interesting enough, so I'll keep reading! I'll comment more later. Gotta go for now! (Time issues.)
You're rushing. Take more time setting the scene and describing the happenings. A reader will fill in quite a few blanks, but you can't leave out key things like character reactions. There's nothing for your reader to base their imagination on. You completely glossed over the main character's reaction to such close friends dying, which was an opportunity to really flesh out his personality and make him a character we can identify with - the very soul of making a story truly good.
Which is too bad, because otherwise this is a very amusing story so far. The hero's arrival plot-line is a fun one.
Love the kitties. Kzinti are cool.
Tracking!
Is Nopony going to comment on the typo in the synopsis? This is the third time I've seen a writer use collage instead of college! Please say it's an American thing, because otherwise this is ridiculous. An error in the synopsis is a real put-off for me straight from the get go. A second check also tells me you didn't capitalise "Equestria". It is a proper noun. I will read the story later in detail; I'm just browsing for now.
I originally shouted "FURRY" when I saw the cover, but I guess I'll give it a go.
...
I'm seeing nothing but raving love, so we'll see.
~Jack
yay zocora is gonna make an appearence but 1 question. how in the hay can a zebra use magic.
either way this story is: CHANGELING APPROVED
well my good sir if you continue to wright more chapters you will get the
so far good vary good keep it up!
Hey, remember how the writers of echo the diamond dog and griffon the griffin teamed together and wrote there stories into each other, i wonder if they would let you enter as well, would be awesome if they did.
This is a really great story! Please Continue!![]()
Also, I have a question. If he (main character) is speaking "Zebrecian" then does that mean the "Equestrian"
language is different as well or is it just the writing style?![]()
Also, one more thing, your story has a lot of potential and I can only expect awesome things coming out of it!
![]()
This is probably the most original plot to an HIE I have ever read and the best part is
It's really good!
Like the story so far, but the grammar needs work. I'll edit these chapters for you, then I'll send you a message when I have them completed.
>>534682 hey look buddy, im an engineer. that means i solve problems. not problems like what is beauty, cus' that would fall within the perveiws of your conundrums of philosiphy. i solve practical problems *takes swig*, for instance, how am i gonna stop som big mean mother hubbard from tearing me obstructuraly from my new behind? the answer? use a gun. and if that don't work, use more gun. like this little heavy calibur mounted number designed by me, built by me, and you best hope. not pointed at you. *POW POW POW CLANG CLANGCALNG CHHEEEWWW ..... BOOOM*![]()
is it wired if i want to litsen to the breaking ponit so because of the tile ![]()
Haven't seen anything that makes cringe yet, guess I'll stick around for the rest of the story. ![]()
The only thing that could possibly make this story better is more chapters!! Just keep doing what you do best, I am really enjoying this as it is ![]()
why there isnt MOAAR!?![]()
Just keep the good work,i dont have any grammar complain because english isnt my main lenguage!
Later!
The typos! The typos are everywhere!
Besides that it's a pretty good story altough it feels as if you're rushing through especially this chap.
Try to lower your pace a bit okay?![]()
This is promising. I would provide more information on the map... maybe even use Hlissner's with permission, but that would make it a long time to get to Ponyville... on that map Zebrica and Equestria are separated by a giant sea and a broken epic bridge. Meh... catch a ship or talk to the Cervicans maybe?
No matter... this is something worth tracking in my eyes.
As for your writing... it seems a bit rushed. That may just be the way I'm reading it, but it seems a hint accelerated and in need of slowing down. Your OC is in the middle of a strange place with talking zebras and he himself is what amounts to a tigermorph. How can he be COOL at a time like this?
I hope rainbow dash doesn't try something stupid when she meets him, like trying to tackle him...
cat whiskers are very sensitize to air currents and couple that with sensitive ears meant for picking up on prey, wouldn't end well for her pride.
Also, good story, please continue.
Hmmmm, strange...
For some reason, the next chapter button hasn't rendered. Must just be a mistake...
...![]()
This is bad... WE NEED MOAR! ![]()
-Jorofrarie







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