As I looked out over the field of clouds, I saw them... I saw them all... they were falling... and there was nothing I could do to save them... for they were already dead...
A few years after the dramatic failure of the capturing of Canterlot, the changeling colony has been dwindling to near extinction and are expected to go extinct in a few weeks. But after a life threatening raid on the colony, a Changeling gets a once in a hundred life times chance to survive.
Will he be able to fall in love and live undetected through pony society?
Or will he be falling to his death and sent to the gallows?
(20% coolest) editors:
AuthorGenesis
Good so far on the first chapter. I noticed that your narrative is pretty interesting.... and I mean the good kind of interesting! It almost feels like I'm reading an actual novel for some reason. But, there were a few grammar mistakes here and there... and that's all you have to work on!
Keep on writing, my friend,
-Bubbles
5320786 thanks
5320830 Also, no creepers? Let me help you out right there.
Amazing start. To drop a literary term, the dramatic irony that you have set up here could make this story great, as long as you have a proper follow through with it. I love stories that tell you how it ends before it starts when they are done right.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5320838 you refer followers as creepers?
ok, i guess it's the same thing
5320851 Yep, pretty much.
You did a good job of establishing the scene and tone efficiently, and the imagery is pretty strong and evocative. There are a lot of stories that would take a lot more words to get that across. The dramatic irony it sets up is pretty strong too. It's a good jumping-off point for a longer story.
I do have a couple quick suggestions, though:
1. You sometimes slip into past tense, even though most of the chapter is present tense. It's generally best to be consistent about that.
2. I personally think that his speech, while mostly solid, is a bit on the generic side, and it would be good to imply that he's drawing on his own personal experiences rather than the general pony/changeling conflicts. He talks a lot about the fights between the groups but it could use the touch of something that he, as an individual, has undergone.
Best of luck in continuing the story.
5320967 thanks
5320976 You're welcome.
5321023 static.mediatropes.info/pmwiki/pub/images/karkatlol8127.png
what is this picture of?
5321740 That's a character from Homestuck.
check the paragraphing, and this first teaser chapter might have been to long for my taste. still deserves a thumbs up.
Interesting. Well I'll certainly be watching this.
Keep going! ;)
5324665 thanks
Is this really a ChryLight fic? Or why I just see the tags ''others'' and a ''random changeling''? .-.
While this was interesting, and it was. I'm not sure I want to read it, if this is how the story ends. It feels like I'm standing at a railroad, just waiting for the trains, I know it'll wreck and I still have the chance to turn away.
5326132 you'll be surprise on what i have installed for the changeling
So he's male. Interesting that changelings here don't dream. More to come ahead it seems!
Keep going! ;)
5327484 yep, my story will include tons of theories
Well, is he really the last changeling?It would be odd for there to be only one hive period in the world. Granted, seeking out other hives would be foolish, but it's a thought.
Keep going! ;)
5392502 are there other hives? is he the last changeling? Maybe, maybe not
HOLY SHEIT! *throws kindle in air, my kindle rebounds off my ceiling and hits my nose* OW.
OH CHRIST HE TURNED ON HIS CAPS LOCK!!! Everyone RUN!!!
5393980 Could of been worse. I was going to turn it RED
5394484 oh christ is my only possible reaction
5396235 no one is safe
5326132
Then you should avoid reading Moorcocks Elric of Melnibone
First Page: This is Elric of Melnibone - it is his fate to end this world...
Last Page: And so... this world ended.
And you stand there and ask yourself... WHY the hell are there over thousand pages between?!
But reading it is quite enjoyable like a greek tragedy.
I actually like this kind of narrative.
Heart Beats V2
Now with more of that drastic color feeling
Damn nice chapter. I hope we find out this truely evil mare who has orchestrated this.
Also I guess Smolder will have to go to Silver Hoof's home and be a family man.
Yes. The everything yes. I love stories where its pretty much a changeling against what everyone thinks about them. Yes.
Hmm that "evil" in him is a little concerning, should get that checked out.
What's he going to do now? We have a few guesses, but without that mastermind in the back of his head most will be very difficult to pull off.....
Keep going! ;)
5559908
He only knows Silver Hoof's name and what his family looks like
that's all
5561529
changeling<--- best pony
or bug
or whatever they are
5562997 thanks
5563184
Ahh I guess my lil joke got lost then. I was just being silly and trying to make a reference to a popular line said by Guile in Street Fighter 2.
legendsoflocalization.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/chun-li-family-man-e.png
I don't like idea of modern weaponrt and stuff in mlp but gonna give it a chance
5563364 oh haha
btw, I find sleeping on a hamburger stove very unlikely as the heat would probably wake him up
but who care. magic!
5563381 you will be satisfied
5563405
He can just be a very heavy day dreamer that's all. It's ok it was only a moment so he isn't hurt... Much
5565335
if 3 degree burns isn't much then what is?
Hey buddy! I come to you as a fellow member of the Authors Helping Authors group!
Name of Story: Heart Beats
Grammar score out of 10: 8 (That's a B, nice!)
Pros:
Great premise for a story, the concept is intriguing in it's own. Your character is very memorable and has defined traits and personality types. It was also a nice choice to bring in conflicts between more races than just two.
Cons:
In the beginning (during the present tense monologue) you had a few of the words set for past tense. There are a few random bits that serve no benefit to the story and should be removed or cleaned up. Lastly, don't use different font sizes(more on that later).
Suggestions:
Fixing the past/present tense is easy, just go back and make sure all verbs are of the same tense. It helps a lot to read your story out loud to yourself. Two examples of bits of your story that should be cleaned up:
This is way too sudden and lacks proper pacing. If you need an excuse for why he fainted try going back a paragraph or two and say he was exhausted, and elaborate on it until his collapse. That is much more believable than fainting because of randomly placed thunder (oh yeah, it's thunder that makes noise not lightning).
A bit random no? Things like this may seem funny and random while writing (I've been there) but honestly putting something this sudden and distracting takes away from the immersive feel of the story (again, I've done the same thing so don't feel bad) and in some cases (mine) makes you look foolish.
Addressing the last point: Please don't change font size. By simply adding an exclamation point the emotion is properly conveyed. Making it 72pt, bold, underlined, italicized, and red doesn't do anything but make your work seem a bit amateur. Color should rarely be used but in certain situations in which it might be confusing without (like that demon voice thing), it is acceptable.
I hope you take nothing personally from this review, I'm just giving a few suggestions I will be following this closely and hope to see more from you. I'd also greatly appreciate it if you could check out my story HERE
Regards,
Wind Grazer
5663721 thanks, your review is appreciated
Don't keep us waiting too long for more.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Well... that escalated quickly.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/586/726/8d7.gif
what?
I still don't get his mission. Just what is he trying to do? He's not really doing the things a survivor might, though that's probably because his lack of field experience and the alter ego is getting in the way. Once he gets to Manehatten then what? Keep plotting against Equestria? Find other changelings (that we don't know exist)?
That alter ego is going to be much more trouble than it's worth soon...
Keep going! ;)
5693555 He's going to survive
for now
5693022 he had only one idea of a appearance out of 999999999999999999999