If this was a first attempt this is a great start. Your biggest weakness is the story pacing. The ride to Canterlot was far too short. I would either take it out of the fic and insert a scene break, or find a way to quadruple of the length of the chariot ride. When writing fics it's also a good idea to double space between paragraphs.

Nice job!

While it lacks a hook to come back to, I still will watch it. I'm curious to see where you take this.

Comments/Criticisms:

Like I said. This is missing that hook that grabs you. I think if you extended this just a little more, to say Luna's first night, it would have ended better.

The pacing was pretty good in my opinion (much better than most first fics). It didn't feel rushed nor too slow.

When you break to change scenes, you should put some indicator. Something like ------ or  -&-  are usually pretty decent. This just solidifies to the reader that the perspective or time of day is, in fact, changing.

Also I liked your explanation of Luna's....disappearance, let's say. I want to minimalism the spoilers.

intriguing start, will track to see where this goes.

Very well written. I was especially impressed with your characterization, and am looking forward to reading more of it!

Solid storyline so far, never lost interest or started skimming. Can't wait to read more.

A healthy start to what could be a very interesting story. Just keep escalation in mind to run a story like this, otherwise it will turn repetative and mundane. I am very much looking forward to seeing the interaction between Twilight and Luna. Though Luna has been in so few episodes, she's got such a huge following its scary, haha.

Spacing between paragraphs would be good, it especially helps when people download the text. And so would break lines between scene changes, which are a single (hr) tag with no closing tag to follow it.

Liking the story so far, sounds like it will be quite good.

Spike faceclawed.

I love this!

Great story.

It can not be said enough, the horrible, awful, nickname Twily needs to go DIAF.

>>500127500127 Thanks. I'll try formatting it differently next chapter, I'm just used to writing like that.

>>500172500172 Yeah, I know it didn't end on a super exciting note. The problem was, there isn't really a good place to break it off for a while. The next chapter will most definitely end in a hook, though.

>>500312500312 Well, of course she does. Luna is best pony. Also, how come we don't have Luna emoticons? Also, don't worry, things will start to get much more exciting at the end of the next chapter.

To everyone else, thanks a lot for your kind comments I've already gotten about 40 favorites for this story, so I guess I did something right. Hopefully the next chapter will be up within a week, although I do have a midterm between now and then, so no definite promises.

>>502181502181

Tell it to her brother; it's canon.

Although of course Shining Armor has B.B.B.F.F. privileges. If you catch anypony else using that name, feel free to flame away.

ur first fanfic being a twiluna shipfin? congratz to you my good sir, that was the same with me xD

anyway, so far i like the idea and the setup but i've always disliked the idea of luna wondering around on the moon for a 1000 years... it seems really silly because that would probably do some MAJOR damage to one's psychic + in the story of the series we're told that luna was imprisoned inside the moon and not on the surface of it, so it was more likely that she was just sleeping or something for all those years while the stars made their way to the moon.

but its your story and you can do with it as you want, i just don't like that idea of luna wondering around on the surface of the moon like a spaz that she could escape from at any given time because she wasn't seal inside of the moon itself...

anyway, looking forward to more and whatever problem that will arise ;)

>>514159514159

IMO, her memories from that time are kind of clouded, like from a dream. Also, she could have spent most of her time sleeping/in stasis/whatever and still had plenty of time to make a bigass palace.

So yeah, there was actually a reason why I labeled this story dark. I hope I didn't surprise anyone too badly, since the first chapter was so much lighter. Anyway, let me know what you think.

Quite the dramatic turn, but effective...  I'm eager for the next chapter.  Overall, I'm really enjoying the characterizations and the ins and outs of the palace and Night Court.  The rather novel take on the motions of the sun and moon are interesting as well.

Overall, a nice set up...  I'm looking forward to the mystery unfolding!

WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!!   I like the tone you've set so far, mature but not dark for dark's sake.  If that makes sense.  That, and I'm a sucker for anything Twi-Luna.  

I agree with MaxVive, I'm a sucker for any and ALL TwiLuna. I definitely didn't see that coming. Great, sounds like cultists or something and they ALWAYS cause trouble of some kind. Look at Oblivion and the Mythic Dawn. Look what they unleashed.  This is really good so far, can't wait for more. I also thought it  was really funny when Spike got the hiccups again.  And a stomachache to top it off. "Twilight, I ate toooo much pie." That was funny.

I hope this development does not delay Twilight's lessons on moving celestial bodies too much...

"Luna awoke the next evening feeling excited for the day to come,"

Shouldn't this be "excited for the night to come"?

That was the only mistake I found while reading the chapter, so well done.

This story is getting quite good, and I am absolutely hooked. The pacing feels great and the way you introduced the villain was fairly original, at least from what I have read. I wonder what the cult that sacrificed the pony was/is trying to do.

Something about the story though I wanted to comment on. I am surprised and admittedly a little disappointed that Luna didn't play the "I will protect these people like a mother" card, and try to comfort Blue Blossom before sending her off with the servants. IMO it would have been nice to see that side of Luna.

Oh shit.. I like it so far.

why do I get the feeling that Twi will surprise Luna and manages to learn it

A better chapter than the first one ^__^

So... someone is summing a demon? Sure sounds like it...

Keep it up! Can't wait for the next chapter.

Something very bad happened here. Let's hope it isn't related to windigoes, spirits, nightmare moon, or the changelings... or author forbid, something worse than those.

Someone find the perpetrator of this heinous act, that we might banish them to the moon.

Damn... Satanic pony worship? Talk about interesting!

>>517354517354 I think you mean celestial bodies. Moving Celestia bodies is something else entirely ;)

>>517747517747 Yes, it should. Thanks for pointing that out.

>>518460518460 Good to hear. I'll try and keep some lighter, funnier elements the whole way through, but the story is definitely going to keep getting darker as it goes on.

Thanks to everyone for the kind comments, as before. Hopefully I'll be able to keep delivering.

>>519533519533

Yes, on both there having been an error and on there being a big difference. Except when Celestia is her associated celestial body of course.

Please no main character deaths or anything :( I hate when those happen

Lovecraftian horrors inbound!

good story so far. And awesome chapter, not rushed at all; but it still got to the issue fast, leaving no time to getting bored with repetitiveness. you could have created a pretty good cliffhanger in the end there if you cut right before you explained the scene exactly, small cliffhangers always make people want more; but its almost an art to make sure the cliffhanger doesn't upset anyone, just a thought...i cant believe i actually promoted creating cliffhangers there....

edit:

i like how you've included shining armor and cadence so neatly in the story, first one i see that has done that!

>>519729519729 Of course not. Main character deaths make me a sad panda. I mean, pony.

>>519947519947 I thought about ending it right after you find out someone's been murdered, but I wanted to give people a little bit better of an idea where I'm going with this. Also, I actually started this story a couple of days before the royal wedding, and I had to do a fair bit of rewriting to account for it. My original plan was for Luna to already be living at the palace, but that doesn't really work after the whole "Did I miss anything?" thing. Originally Luna was supposed to be nervous and anxious at the start, rather than depressed.

Good cause Fillystata had me going never again for at least a week. No Resurrecting long since dead pony's .... right?

This is the part where both of them can say "Told ya so!" to Celestia.

>>504116504116

I'll beat the crap out of the first boy I see to use the nickname I use for my baby sister. I MEAN IT!

>PonyholicsAnonymous

Um yeah. Nothing to say that hasn't been said before really. Scene breaks, distancing paragraphs and etc makes things a lot easier on the reader.

That whole moon thing is...new, I think. Interested to see what you do with it.

*Celestia leaves town.*

*Meanwhile in Tartarus.* SHE'S GONE. ALL HELL, BREAK LOOSE. GOGOGOGO

Second chapter much better than the first one, if I may say so. Boy did you catch me by surprise with that body in the attic. Dark...with a hint of romance. (or is it the other way around?) That's basically what I've been craving for these past few days. Tracking!

I think this one is the best new TwiLuna I've seen lately, and having it up to date with the canon makes me all warm and fuzzy inside

now the usual question, when do I have my next fix??? I need it! physical addiction

>>533103533103 Hopefully I'll have it up by this weekend. I had to take a short break due to IRL stuff, but I've started writing again. I've also had to do some revising for the Nazis I mean, helpful and understanding pre-readers over at EQD.

>>534890534890

I personally don't mind if there are a couple of imperfection here and there, English is not my first language and so most of the time they pass unnoticed anyways (excluding comprehensions crippling errors of course, you need some columns and semi-columns here and there). I also think that hammering them out helps to improve the long term ability to write and so it's something that is quite welcome from any author.

Hate the error, not the naz-pardon-editor!!

Great story

Woah, this is awesome! Can't wait for the next chapter

Good choice ending chapter 2 where you did, it caught me off guard and I'm itching to read more. I like the way you're writing Luna.

Keep it up.

>>542542542542

Thanks. Speaking of which, when can we expect another chapter of Moonlit Balcony?

>>519947519947 I think cliffhangers are... both a blessing and a curse...

>>542611542611 Well... in a while, that's all I can say since it's long been sent to a proof-reader Now if you could give us more of this story as well

>>534890534890

If you hate grammar nazis, then you'll really hate me once my summer break starts.

I love this. Have a track, upvote, watch, etc etc.

Well, I missed my weekend deadline by a few hours, but the latest chapter is also a lot longer than I was anticipating, so I hope it works out. Let me know what you think.

Oh, also, let me know if the zalgo text gives you issues. Some browsers might not be able to handle it, so if people have problems, I'll think of something else.

Updated, excited! It's great, and well I can't read the text for one, some of it shows up in brackets but it's fine, everything's looking good! Can't wait to see where this goes~

The thot plickens!

(my favorite chapter so far, with the subtle development of Twilight and Luna's relationship. I must say, I wasn't expecting to suddenly be derailed into the gutter upon reading "TH̵̷͠E̕͞͏N ͜T̀HE̵͠Y̴̸ Ẁ̛͢I͝͠LL̷͝ C̴̨͠ƠMĘ̕͟ ̴̨F͞O͝R ͟Ḿ͝͏E͝ ̕͜͢L̀́͝Į̸̵K̸͝͝E̛ ́͘͢T̀͞H̵͢E̸͡Y ҉C̵҉͘O̷̵M͘͢E̴̵͞ ͟FǪ͢R̸̶̨ H̶͟I͝M͘ ̷̨", )

She looked as thought she were trying to decide which question to ask fist.

Spell checkers will not avail you here! Mwahahaha.

The journal entries did not display correctly for me in Google Chrome. Just a bunch of white boxes in-between all the words indicating a lack of the proper font.

Although this was a great chapter so I did not mind. Looking forward to seeing more of Luna and Twilight interacting. Kind of surprised Luna did not say anything about the fact that she was able to get to sleep in Canterlot this time around.

Looking forward to the next update!

I liked it. It would seem that Twilight wasn't as bad as she thought. It seems that the patrol routes that she organized did their jobs well, as they've found their suspect. Twilight will be fine. She has Luna, Cadance and her brother there to help. I hate cultists. Every single one is crazy to some extent. Looking forward to the next chapter to see what happens next.

>>557146557146

>Oh, also, let me know if the zalgo text gives you issues.

Mostly okay, but some characters are replaced with a box. Really hard to read.

Great chapter...I'm worried though, I feel like Cthulhu is going to be showing up Cultists, strange drawings of other dimensional plans...

let me guess Midnight Dream died a few weeks ago?

well now lets see how they deal with finding midnight dream. twi is gonna so bust a nut and luna was looking forward to an uneventfull night *sigh* anyway to the next chapter eventually. keep up the good work.

Great chapter~! Zalgo text gave me trouble (Google Chrome)

Image: http://puu.sh/ts0V

nice nice nice! it keeps getting better, I'm pretty curious on what's going to happen

PS. I've the same problem as others here, I see only squares in-between letters but if I copy and paste it, for example here in the comment box, it shows up all right...

>>557146557146>>557651557651>>557753557753>>557290557290

It doesn't work if you have FimFiction set to use its serif font, only sans-serif or monospace (selectable on the right side of the gray bar at the top) display it properly.

Zalgo works in Opera even with serif [few squares - 3 or so, 0 with sans-serif]

Phenomenal chapter!

Murder? Check

Unknown perpetrators with connections to the arcane? Check

Mystical symbols that hide the truth about the inner workings of the world that should be unknown and unseen and yet were discovered at the crime scene? Check!

Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!

Rejoice! THE STARS ARE RIGHT TONIGHT!

The Great Old Ones shall descend onto Equestria!

Probably not - thankfully. Also no 8 pointed stars in sight so we aren't dealing with Chaos incursion.

This post was sponsored by Discord. Thank you for your cooperation.

DAT GIBBERISH

I'll read this later, when I'm not tired.

Image: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=41848682

My Little Cthulhu, My Little Cthulhu, aahhh aahhh aahhh ahhhh....

>>557255557255 Yeah, that was entirely you. Also, thanks for providing typo patrol.

>>558777558777 Ah, that would explain it. I think I might just replace it with an image. There's no way to have some sections use a special font, is there?

>>558888558888 I'd read that crossover. Chaos pony space marines ftw.

>>559021559021

Not that I know of —though I've never seen a comprehensive list of the codes available here.  It might be worth asking Knighty about.

I do admit to being curious... what kind of freak could or would set up that kind of atrocity?

>>559021559021

I was summoned?

Image: http://www.andysowards.com/blog/assets/CTHULHU_by_reau.jpg

Alright, that should take care of it. I think I like it better like this anyway.

Great chapter! I'm thoroughly enjoying the relationship development and the mystery element to the the story. Keep up the good work!

“Let me just say that it was under circumstances we would never inflict on another pony.”

I wonder if we'll find out later what kind of "circumstances" this were?

I've been reading too much Dan Brown. As soon as the cult got mentioned, all I could think of was

Image: http://jojofeelings.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/angelsanddemons_illuminati.jpg

Oh well, great chapter anyways

I've heard the phrase "darkest at the base of the lighthouse", but good lord. Save your demonic rituals for the countryside or something!

dun dun dun cliffhanger xD

The suspense has been doubled! Huzzah!

Can't wait for more. Very intriguing and I cannot wait to see how this develops. :D

Tiny criticism, and it isn't entirely about your story. Nearly every fanfic I read about TwiLuna often revolves around one of the two thinking it's wrong.

Now, Luna is understandable because she comes from a time when Equestria wasn't as populous as it is now. But you would think that Twilight would accept it and plan how to get Luna's affections.

Just a thought is all.

Cheers

GM

This very suddenly got much bigger than a shipping fic.

I was expecting the murder to just be showing the darker side of being in charge, but no, this is gonna be our main plot. I'm interested to see more of the subtle changes between Luna and Twilight as time goes on. Luna is obviously ancient in her thoughts, and seems to have her attraction radars turned off. Having no inkling of Twilight's thoughts about her is going to make for a very interesting reveal scene, not only in how she acts but how she handles it afterward. Twilight comes across as the frail, innocent egghead she always is in the show, and thankfully stays true to character. The sudden crying was a biiiit much, but I can dig it given the circumstances.

You definitely gave us a LOT of lore to think about, and Luna's explanation about the circle was absolutely fantastic. I'm not a magic or devilry buff, but I like to think that more complex circles actually have a MEANING. You explained this one quite well and I could see it in my head. I'm very interested to hear more about the "mechanisms", if there's any mortal way to describe them further. If Luna can "read" the circle, but still wants it to be blown up bigger so she can take a better look--- there must be more to it. As anal as Twilight is in her studies, I've no doubt she won't miss a detail. However, if just looking at it makes Twilight think it's somehow "incorrect", mayhaps that's one reason the stallion was found dead. If whatever ritual or whatever went wrong, it might be because of their faulty magic circle. Who knows.

Your writing is fantastic and I seriously look forward to seeing more of this story as soon as possible. Don't rush the art, but certainly keep it flowing, eh? May your quill keep dancing!

~Aegis

Sorry for taking longer with this chapter. I've been afflicted with a combination of school and not feeling like writing. Rest assured, though, progress is being made. I'll try and get it done by the end of the weekend, since I've got two midterms next week.

Still writing on this or no? Its been over two weeks...

>>680457680457 Yes, still working on it. That annoying little thing called real life got in the way. I've got about 3,000 words written for the new chapter, I'm guessing it'll be around 2,000 more. Hopefully the next 2,000 will take less time than the last 2,000.

I've been sucked in, I need moooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr! Seriously this story is very intriguing.

Alright, there you go, and a mere two weeks behind schedule. By the way, you guys all love cliffhangers, right?

Also, now that the new chapter is done, I'm thinking of taking the plunge and resubmitting my story to EQD. If some kind soul would look over it and let me know if there are any obvious mistakes or places in desperate need of improvement, I'd appreciate it a lot.

well that sucks twi go supernova and kill these annoyances. also luna's gonna have a lot of work on her hands.

Oh man, I love this story.

Why am I not surprised that there are supernatural horrors showing up? Oh, right, random cult, insane murderer... yeah, I was kinda expecting something like this. At least the daemon lord or ancient god or whatever it is that Dawnbringer is 'worshipping' with his damned cult hasn't come through the gate just yet.

Times like this make me wonder where the nearest daemon slayer group is hiding, since they'd come in useful about now.

I'm with Xaldon. ^^ If someone Twilight cares about enough, say Luna or Shining Armor, gets injured by whatever these things are, then the 'Element of Magic' will finally cut loose and show the ponies of Canterlot just how powerful she really is. 8D

God, I hope that happens! It's been WAY too long since I've read a story where Twi actually gets to show her true power. ^^ I think the last time I saw it happen was in 'Apotheosis'.

Ah well, regardless of my Twilight fanboyism, great chapter! And best of luck for the next one.

Nightmares eh? I should I shouldn't be surprised that the bad guys would rely on those things... may Celestia have mercy on Dawnbringer, because Luna and Twilight certainly won't if he keeps it up.

Though I'm not a fan of the whole LunaxTwilight prospect, the plot is incredibly intriguing.

THOU SHALT BE WATCHED

I'm thinking that, after Dawnbringer mentioned studying Nightmare Moon's defeat, it would be a good idea to get the rest of the element bearers somewhere safe... And ready to kick some ass.

I enjoy stories like this. Just needs more pony paladins. Also, I saw a few minor grammar mistakes throughout all four chapters. Nothing big. Just a word in the incorrect tense. Imo. I'm not a grmmar expert so I could be wrong. Loved the story though.

>>712231712231

this! i want god-mode twi right this instant!

>>712231712231 Second

>>712231712231 >>723142723142 >>723825723825 I don't want to give away too much, but I don't think you'll be disappointed.

>>724511724511 If you're inferring what I think/hope you are, PonyholicsAnoymous.... Then it's likely that you just made my day.

>>724990724990 A lot of the inspiration for this story actually came from Apotheosis. That's probably my favorite fic, along with Night's Favored Child. I like shipping fics where there's also adventures and stuff happening, though.

>>725202725202 It's most definately one of mine as well. In any case, keep on writing, cause we'll never get tired of good stories like these.

>>724511724511

YESyesYESyesYESyesYESyesYESyesYESyesYESyes

Image: http://iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/473.gif

>>725202725202 Apotheosis is one of my favorite stories.

>>725330725330 I wish I could disable gifs, more than two and they crash my web browser (iPads stink some times).

An excellent and interesting start.

MOOD WHIPLASH!

I mean, YIKES.  Demonic cult killing.  NEVER a good sign.

Love the backstory of Discord and the heavenly mechanism.  Makes a lot of sense, and I can actually see that as a viable canon explanation.

I'm loving this, I really am.

Suddenly...CTHULHU!

Seriously, I can't be the only one thinking it right now.

Don't make Me come down there...

someone has been reading to much lovecraft :P