Rarity wakes up to what she thought would be the perfect day off. But of course, there's one problem. She's apparently put on weight, which is an unparalleled disaster for a pony with her heart set on showing off her new dress. She endeavours to get rid of those extra pounds as quickly as possible. Chaos ensues.
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Well imma be straight. It's not bad, but it's not exactly good.
one thing I look down upon is the use of the term. "oh my god." Ponies don't have religeon. the term "Sweet Celestia" suffies for ponies.
Same thing with the word hell. So it's written okay, but I don't really like it.
I like that Rarity's generous offer to make up for missing lunch and have dinner with Spike is that Spike pays for himself.
Anyway, pretty cute. The hints of "Spike x Rarity" kind of kill the story for me, though.
498240
In my defence, the line where she says "Oh my g..." gets cut short, so, she could have been about to say "Oh my gosh!"
Reguarding the use of the word "hell", do you have any sugestions for words or phrases I could use instead? I'd be happy to keep them in mind for the next time I submit a fic.
498310 I try to avoid anything near it. but generally something about "to the moon" will fill in there. Considering luna was banished to the moon. It is very similar to the way an angel was banished to hell in the bible. The moon is a place where ponies that make Celestia angry go. But if you want to avoid hell all together. just just what the hay. Breaburn did it.
498310
Twilight says "who in the hoof is that?" in the finale. "What the hay" works as well. Alternatively, you could reference "Tartarus," which we know is a real place after "It's About Time."
498396
498353
Thanks for the sugestions. I was also considering just censoring the word.
"What the *&^% is your problem, dad!". But, it might look a bit out of place.
But, I'll give Hay and Hoof a try, next time.
The concept here is not bad and you've done a good job fleshing it out. However, there are quite a few typos and other mistakes:
"A complete, total, utter unmitigated unparreled DISASTER!" (Also missing some commas)
"...made her look like a little girl on her sweet sixtieth."
"The scales read two stone heavier than her ideal weight!" (A stone is 14 lbs or 6.35 kg, and later you say 2 pounds. I assume the latter to be correct.)
Also, there are a few things that took me out of the narrative, like the riff on cell phones. While funny, it has nothing to do with ponies. Similarly, you made a reference to Scotland in regards to Pinkie's diet, which is admittedly a really minor thing.
All in all, a good job and a very satisfying fic, but you could use a beta. Either way, I liked it!
499160
Thanks for pointing those typos out. I've just had them fixed.
The mentioning of Scottish Shortbread,
I thought I'd be able to get away with it, since Fluttershy mentions French haute couture in Suited for Sucess.
That was a totally bogus explanation from Pinkie Pie, genetics can't effect how quickly you digest food, or can they?
500396 This is Pinkie Pie (
), remember that. Everything is possible for her.
502387 Still I don't think even she can make genetics work for her. Or maybe she can?
raritys unparrelled disaster is the best disaster
517136
Well to some degree it does, usually you inheiret the metabolism of a parent or another relative
594092 Well I suppose it isn't completly bogus then, perhaps since her parents are rock famers the hard work gives them bigger metabolisms just like Applejack.
Playing with scales, Like calling out "Want some fried chicken!" near the tanning salons open door.th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2014/346/d/f/socks___by_hillbe-d89mbtw.jpg
498310
One option is Tartarus, but you could also use hey/hay.
500396 Yes they can. It's called metabolism. Someone with a high metabolism can eat a lot and stay relativley thin.