• Published 9th Nov 2014
  • 16,892 Views, 1,922 Comments

Deadpool in Equestria - MrAquino



What happens when Deadpool, the Merc with the Mouth, lands in the magical land of Equestria? Same thing that happens in every cross story, but with more Deadpool!!!

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Holiday Special #1: How Deadpool stole Hearts Warming

Author's Note:

More will come, and I had a blast with this! Please, I'm no Dr.Seuss, so my rhyming isn't the best. Also, 420 likes!?!?!? Pass me the weed!!!
You don't even smoke!
...Way to ruin the joke.

Every Pony down in Ponyville liked Hearts Warming a lot

But Deadpool, who lived just North of Ponyville, did not.

Deadpool hated Hearts Warming! The whole holiday season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

How would that make me not rest!?

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

That may just be the best.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his heart, his shoes, or just being horny

He stood on his balcony on Hearts Warming Eve, hating everypony,

I ain't a hater like you!

So you can suck on Deez Nuts too!

Staring down from his roof with a sour, Pool-ey frown

At the warm lighted windows below in the town,

For he knew every Pone down in Ponyville beneath

Was busy now hanging a ponified wreath.

Noe, behind the scenes, Deadpool's Best friend came.

Bob was his name, and Hydra wasn't really his game

And they're hanging their stockings, he snarled with a sneer.

Tomorrow is Hearts Warming! It's practically here!

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,

I must find some way to keep Christmas from coming!

For, tomorrow, I know all the Who girls and boys

Will wake bright and early. They'll rush for their toys!

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

There's one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

And they'll shriek squeaks and squeals, racing 'round on their wheels.

They'll dance with jingtinglers tied onto their heels.

They'll blow their floofloovers. They'll bang their tartookas.

They'll blow their whohoopers. They'll bang their gardookas.

They'll spin their trumtookas. They'll slam their slooslunkas.

They'll beat their blumbloopas. They'll wham their whowonkas.

And they'll play noisy games like zoozittacarzay,

A roller-skate type of lacrosse and croquet!

And then they'll make ear-splitting noises galooks

On their great big electro whocarnio flooks!

Then the Ponies, young and old, will sit down to a feast.

And they'll feast! And they'll feast! And they'll FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They'll feast on pudding, and rare roast beats!

Raw roast beats is a feast I can't stand in the least!

And then they'll do something I hate most of all!

Every Pony down in Ponyville, the tall and the small,

They'll stand close together, with Hearts Warming bells ringing.

They'll stand hand-in-hand, and those ponies will start singing!

The Fire of Friendship lives in our hearts

As long as as it burns we cannot drift apart

Though quarrels arise their numbers are few

Laughter and singing will see us through

We are a circle of pony friends

A circle of friends we'll be 'til the very end

And they'll sing! And they'll sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Grinch thought of this Pony Heart warming Sing,

The more the Grinch thought, I must stop this whole thing!

Why for twenty-one years I've put up with it now!

I must stop Christmas from coming! But how?

... Oh! I got an idea! It's an awful idea!

It's a wonderful, awful idea!

I know what you can do! Bob laughed in his throat.

I'll make a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat.

Deadpool chuckled, and clucked, What a great, Wade/Bob trick!

With that coat and that hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!

You're a mean one, Mr. Wade. You really are a heel.

You're as cuddly as a cactus. You're as charming as an eel.

Mr. Wade! You're a bad banana with a... greasy black peel!

You're a monster, Mr. Wade. Your heart's an empty hole.

Your brain is full of spiders. You've got garlic in your soul.

Mr. Wade! I wouldn't touch you with a... thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

Now All I need is a reindeer. Deadpool looked around.

But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop Deadpool? Hah! Deadpool simply said,

If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!

So he took his friend Bob, and he took some black thread.

And he tied a fake d**k on top of his head.

Then he loaded some bags and some bottles to collect sobs

On a ramshackle sleigh and he whistled for Bob.

Then Deadpool said "Giddyap!" and the sleigh started down

Toward the homes where the Ponies lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. No one knew he was there.

All the Ponies were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

When he came to the first little house of the square.

This is stop number one, the old Pooley Claus hissed,

As he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight pinch.

But if Santa could do it, then so could the man-b***h.

Hey! That's not fair!

For that, you're nt going to get my share!

He got stuck only once, for a minute or two.

Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue

Where the little pony stockings hung all in a row.

These stockings, he grinched, are the first things to go!

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, and he took every present!

Pop guns, pampoogas, pantookas, and drums!

Checkerboards, bizilbigs, popcorn, and plums!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then Deadpool, very nimbly,

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney.

You're a vile one, Mr. Wade. You have termites in your smile.

You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.

Mr. Wade! Given the choice between the two of you I'd take the... seasick crocodile!

You're a rotter, Mr. Wade. You're the king of sinful sots.

Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots.

Mr. Wade! You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the ponies' feast!

He took the pudding! He took the roast beats!

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.

Why, Deadpool even took the last can of Pony-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

Now, grinned Deadpool, I will stuff up the tree!

As the Grinch took the tree, as he started to shove,

He heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small foal!

Little Princess Skyla, the replacement for Brony's coal.

She stared at Deadpool and said, Santy Hooves, why,

Why are you taking our Hearts Warming tree? Why?

But, you know, that Deadpool wasn't so smart and slick,

But he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

POCKET SAND!!! the fake Santy Claus yelled

The filly screamed, bumping her head and fell.

She was unconscious, this was good,

Deadpool left a can to make it look she ate all of the food.

And when Skyla was lying with with her beer-filled cup,

He crupt to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.

And the last thing he took was the log for their fire.

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food that he left in the house

Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then he did the same thing to the other Ponies' houses,

Leaving crumbs much too small for the other mouses!

You nauseate me, Mr. Wade, with a nauseous super "naus"!

You're a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss.

Mr. Wade! Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!

You're a foul one, Mr. Wade. You're a nasty-wasty skunk.

Your heart is full of unwashed socks. Your soul is full of gunk.

Mr. Wade! The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, "Stink, stank, stunk"!

It was quarter of dawn. All the Ponies still a-bed,

All the ponies still a-snooze, when he packed up his sled,

Packed it up with their presents, their ribbons, their wrappings,

Their snoof and their fuzzles, their tringlers and trappings!

Ten thousand feet up, up the side of Mount Crumpet,

He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!

Pooh-pooh to the Pones! he was grinchily humming.

They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

Then the Ponies down in Ponyville will all cry boo-hoo!

Unfortunately him, throughout the night,

He was watched by Princess Luna, just out of his sight.

She saw what he was doing and knew what she had to do:

Summon the spirits of those he knew!

Concentrating her horn, she fired at the Deadpool,

At which he fell, snoring with drool.

I don't know if you can hear me, Dr. Pool,

But what you've done isn't really cool.

Hearts Warming is coming, this, you can't change,

And please, don't use your devices that go 'bang!'

Bob smiled nervously, and took Deadpool back to his bed,

Then rejoined Luna, for Deadpool will be meet by the dead.

So please, stay for part two

And rhyming, this I'm finally through!

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