Deadpool in Equestria

by MrAquino

AN OFFICIAL CROSSOVER!!!

Both Deadpool and Lady Death woke up the next morning in a cuddle on their bed. All around the house, there was destroyed property everywhere, 69 pairs of skeletons inside the closet, each in sexy poses, and a row of Justin Beiber clones strapped to each other like in "The Human Centipede"
What the hell happened last night?
I have no idea!
"Whatever happened last night," Deadpool said, picking up a diamond next to his bed "that was something totally f**king awesome!!!"
"It was," Lady Death replied "and I think you should return that to the one called Rarity." Death got up and began to walk away. Deadpool got up from his bed, using a convenient placed sword's hilt to cover his mini-pool.
"Wait! Bae! Where you going!?" She turned back to Deadpool.
"I'm sorry, Wade, but I need to head back to Earth. The lack of death here can't keep me full, and if I'm not full, I will pass away, and the souls will be lost forever."
"But... I can kill more, if you want!"
"Oh Deadpool, you really are a sweetheart. I may be able to live a bit longer, but not forever. I'm sorry, but Earth needs me." She opened a portal, then stopped & turned back to Deadpool "And did you call me 'Bae'?"
"...I did."
"What does that even mean?"
"Well, it means multiple things such as sweetie, baby, boyfriend or girlfriend. But I love what the Danish word means!"
"And what does the Danish word of 'Bae' mean? I forgot?" Deadpool chuckled like a madman
"...POOP!!!" Death smiled and giggled.
"I'll love to tell the young teenagers what 'Bae' means after dying to impress their love!"
"Love everyone makes everyone stupid! But it makes geniuses like us into Stephen Hawking talking dirty!"
That makes no sense.
Talk dirty to me!
"Leedle Leedle Leedle Lee!" Deadpool yelled! Smoke came out of nowhere, covering his junk, and Deadpool proceeded to dance naked with a remix of Patrick's 'Leedle Leedle Leedle Lee' playing.
"Goodbye, Deadpool." Death spoke, entering the portal back to earth.
"See ya, Bone cheeks!"

After Deadpool's... questionable dance, he lifted the strange looking Diamond in his hand. He had on his clothes on, removing the need of the censor bar around his privates
"Where did this beauty come from?" He asked himself
Maybe we stole it?
That's the most logical thing you though of today. Maybe we did, but from who or where?
"Eh! Who cares? It's ours now!... My a** itches!" Deadpool used the diamond and began to use it as his own butt scratcher. The diamond glowed and, up above Deadpool, a blue portal opened right above him.
Are you seeing this!?
"Can't... too... scratchy!"
Hey! Look! A babe!
"A BABE!?!?!?"
Coming right on us in 3... 2... 1.
Sure enough, a woman landed right onto Deadpool, making the merc land on his back and the woman landing on him with her head next to his. She got up a bit, but stopped and stared at Deadpool's face, and Deadpool stared right back: she has blonde hair with a black headband, red-orange eyes, a black scarf around her neck with both ends dangling over her shoulders, a white t-shirt under a short-cropped black jacket with gold trims, dark gray jeans, and short-cropped combat boots. They stared at each other for a few moments. She moved a bit, but felt something holding her by her... um... butt.
"Can you let me go?" She asked
"I'm not holding you." Deadpool replied
"Yeah... sure you aren't. Like how you don't have a boner?"
"What!? Get real! I'm not turned on that easily!" Deadpool looked down. "...Well s**t, I am." He teleported away right back up and patted his mini-pool back into place. She stood right back up.
"Hold on: you teleport?" Deadpool turned around, not having a bulge in his pants anymore.
"Hell yeah I can! The name's Deadpool: Merc with the mouth, the regenerating degenerate, or ninja spider-man are amongst some of the things folks called me back home! And what is your ability & name, miss boooooooooooooooopa?" Her eyes lowered to a fierce look.
"... My name is Kat, and I can alter gravity to my will. How did I get here?"
"Oh... you're not going to be mad at me, are you?"
"Well... if it's on accident, I can let it slip."
"Oh thank God! See, I found this weird crystal from last night after having sex with Lady Death last night. I have no idea what happened, but I got this weird Diamond from Celestia knows where, and I want to keep it because I want to make it rain, but then my butt got itchy, so I-
"YOU USED MY CRYSTAL TO SCRATCH YOUR ASS!?!?!?"
"...Yeah. And how did you swear?" She growled loudly and, if this were an anime, her eyes would be white with fire in her pupil's place, steam would come out, and perhaps a mental image of Kat being a literal cat chasing Deadpool as a mouse, looking like something from a Tom & Jerry Cartoon.
Hold on a sec... Kat!? Haven't we heard that name before?
Is it that one girl that used to work at the pink scientific theorem?
"Holy S**T!!!" Deadpool yelled. He ran and grabbed Kat by her shoulders and shook her. "YOU'RE KAT FROM GRAVITY RUSH!!! OH MY SWEET BABY LUNA!!!"
"You... know me?"
"F**K YEAH!!! You were one of the main reasons I bought a PSVita in the first place, AND the only reason why I kept that Super Smash Boring Playstation knock off, even if you were a DLC character."
"...What!?"
"But where's your skimpy outfit!?"
"EXCUSE ME!?!?!?"
"Your black, one piece suit that covers your boobs and booty! Like... Cammy from Street Fighter!" Kat growled right at him and proceeded with an right hook across Deadpool's face! Deadpool fell to the floor and twitched like a bug, complete with a nosebleed.
She's not like us. She can't see past the 4th wall like us.
Then we'll show her!
Deadpool stood right up & picked up Kat in his arms, jumped out of a window, and landed on Derpy's back! Derpy flew into the sky, not even giving two bucks that Deadpool had a female woman in his arms.
"What the hell are you-!?" Kat began to ask, but was cut off by Deadpool.
"Shh, let me show you. ♫I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering, sple-♫" Kat punched Deadpool in the nuts! Deadpool released Kat, grabbing onto his jewels, and fell to the floor, wheezing in pain while rolling on the floor. Kat levitated herself down and landed next to Deadpool.
"What the hell is wrong with you!? You're as crazy as Gilgamesh!!!"
"Give... me a sec." Deadpool slowly got up, still holding his groin, but took a deep breath. In a few seconds, he stood upright. "Alright b***h, it's one thing to cancel me from singing, but you... YOU HURT MY TESTICLE!!!" Deadpool pulled his two machine guns out and fired at Kat! Kat's skin turned into a near translucent orange-red with a red center, and she used her anti-gravity abilities to fly around & stop Deadpool's bullets from hitting her. She turned the bullets around and fired them right back at Deadpool! Deadpool simply moved his hips to the left, then right, lifted his legs up, spun around & was in a Spanish bullfighter outfit, lifting the red cape while yelling "Toro!", spun around & did a Russian dance while in a Russain outfit, spun around & wore while doing his best Elvis Presley impersonation, and then spun again to be in his cowboy outfit. He pulled a six shooter out, to which Kat fired it out of his hand, making Deadpool have a shocked look (though not seen under his bandana), and Kat fired him in his chest! Deadpool saw the blood coming out and held it with his other hand.
"You got me, pardner!" He spoke in his best cowboy accent.
"I hope I did!" Kat yelled, landing back on the ground & crossing her arms. Deadpool took some exaggerated steps over to Kat, and fell over. Kat opened her open arms and caught him, even though she just wanted him to shut up and die. Deadpool grabbed her right breast and pulled his head up towards her face. Now Kat was just close to snapping his neck!
"Hole me closer, Kat." His voice sounded weak "i-i-it's gettin' dark." She rolled her eyes while he turned his head around & coughed, then turned back to her. "Tell little Annie to let ol' yeller out." Another exaggerated cough & turn to the head before he continued "Tell Tiny Timmy I won't be with him this Christmas!" More coughing, this one sounding heavy. "Tell MrAquino I do give a damn!" He turned to couch, but turned back to Kat and coughed in her face, showing only his cancer covered mouth, followed by a fart. "Pardon me." He leaned his head down and went limp. Kat just stared at him, then looked up: Every Pony & related character Deadpool had meet were all there, sitting in chairs, all crying at Deadpool's performance. They got up and stomped their hooves/ clapped their hands together, cheering for his performance while Discord summoned an Oscar that had Leonardo DiCaprio's name on it, but was scratched out and instead had a sloppy "Deadpool" on it. Deadpool got out of Kat's arms and took the Oscar.
Did we seriously just do a scene straight from "The Mask"?
We did Cuban Pete with the Changelings, so we might as well do this scene with her! Look at how happy she is!
Kat growled loudly, her skin turning into the orange-red translucent self.
"What's going on!?" Kat asked out loud. Deadpool pushed Kat to the ground and stood on top of her chest, adoring the crowd cheering for him.
"THANK YOU!!! YOU LOVE ME!!! I'm Sorry Leo, but next time, learn from Matt Patt on how YOU can win an Oscar next year!"
"GET OFF ME!!!" Kat yelled, pushing Deadpool off and stood right back up. "Okay, you can teleport, you act like a goddamn cartoon character, and you can heal fast!?"
"Eeyup!"
"Let's fix that!" She grabbed Deadpool and began to fall up with him below her legs.
"Whew! PANTIES!!!"
"SHUT UP, PERVERT!!!" She made gravity go normal and, in a few seconds, she slammed Deadpool's body to the floor, using her boots to stomp Deadpool's skull in! Deadpool's body twitched for a few seconds, being the last thing his body did was making both hands give the finger. She panted hard and walked away, wiping the bits of flesh off from her boots and onto the floor. She stopped as she heard the sound of flesh moving. Looking behind, she saw Deadpool's body gather the bits of his head, soon, seeing the head fully heal itself.
"To be, or not to be awesome!? That is the question true dumba**es ask!" He placed his head back onto his body, and Kat watched with her jaw dropped & left eye twitching.
"Y-You can't... die?"
"Oh I can, I just don't know how! Believe me, I've done everything: I've been burned, I've been frozen, I've been eaten by monsters, I've been torn apart, had a funny encounter with Freddy Krueger once, saw every Shaquille O'Neal movie out there, went through an unimaginably awful prequel starring everyone's Canadian midget, and, to top it all off, being in this fanfiction!"
HEY!!!
"...I'm in hell, aren't I? I though Gilgamesh was random, but you... YOU'RE ON COFFEE, METH, AND COCAINE!!!"
"I'm not on any of that stuff! I'm just on my swag!"
"...Kill me! Please! For all that's good in life, someone, just KILL ME!!!" A portal opened up in the distance, and out came one of the many feared machines that the racist humans of Earth made (According to Marvel, that is): A Sentinel! Standing at over 100 feet high, the sentinel caused everypony in a nearby distance to get the heck outta dodge!
"Oh S**t."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?!?"
"It's a sentinel: big, nasty mutant hunting robot! This is just one of them, but these mother f***ers can fly, shoot giant blasts of energy from their hands, and generally hate mutants. Thank God I'm a mutate and not a mutant, am I right? I mean, who would want one of those metal monstrosities chasing after them? Yeah... I'd kick it's a** though."
"HALT, MUTANT!!!" The sentinel spoke in it's booming voice "You are under arrest!"
"Please! Don't take me away!!! I can't do another nickel!!!"
"Stand Still, Gravity Defiler." Kat looked at Deadpool. Deadpool let out a sigh of relief, turned to Kat, and gave her the finger.
"Fuck you!" She replied. She turned around and used her gravity abilities to escape from the Sentinel! Unfortunately, the Sentinel easily caught her with a clean swipe, knocking her down and easily catching her, crushing her in the palm of it's giant hand! It began to release painful electric shock's to Kat's body, making her scream in pain.
"Hey!" Deadpool yelled "How come her words are uncensored but not mine!?"
"DEADPOOL!!! HELP!!!"
We have to save her!!!
"Screw her! She took my Oscar away!"
But Deadpool, can't we, well, screw her?
"Are you saying-"
Ignore him! He's an idiot, remember? Plus, though she may not find us great, we have to uphold the magic of friendship, remember? Friendship is Magic?
"Huh... you are right, but I don't think of her as my friend."
So!? She can have other chicks that we can bang!!!
Hey! Don't think about it!
Plus, when we prove how we beat that Sentinel crushing her, she's gonna be like 'Oh! Deadpool! My hero! Please, my body is ready!'
You know we only do that idea with Reggie, right?
"...I'll do it! For both reasons!!!" Deadpool pulled his sword out "Look out Senty, it's time to meet your maker that wasn't any kid in a Chinese factory!!!" Deadpool teleported right into the Sentinel's hand and began to open the fingers, taking the electricity for Kat. Kat regained consciousness quickly, seeing Deadpool take the electric shocks for her and helping her become free from the robot menace's literal iron grip. She used her abilities & flew out as soon as she saw an opening, and began to escape. The Sentinel saw her escape and threw Deadpool to the ground , quickly tunring it's attention to Kat and chasing her, each footstep it made, shaking the town & it's residents a bit. Deadpool teleported away before he hit the ground, and was right in front of Kat's path. Kat reacted quickly and caught Deadpool in her arms.
"You came back for me!" She yelled
"Of course I did!" Deadpool replied "I may be an assassin with severe ADHD, but I know how to act like a knight in Shining Armor, even if this land has a character named Shining Armor!"
"Uh... okay... but what are we going to do with this Sentinel!?" Deadpool looked and saw the Sentinel catching up.
"GO UP!!!"
"Up!? Didn't you say these things can fly!?"
"I did, but trust me on this! I know what I'm doing!" Kat looked up and swallowed hard, but knew she had to trust Deadpool, or else the Sentinel would've truly killed her. She began to go up into the air, looking up to see the Sentinel switching into it's flight mode. "Alright... just a few more seconds... gotta send this tweet... uploading... sent... and... RELEASE ME!!!" Kat released Deadpool, allowing the Marc to fall to the Sentinels face, right over it's right eye. Deadpull pulled one of his swords out and stabbed the sentinel in it's eye, causing the machine to wail in pain and stop flying for a few seconds as it grabbed Deadpool in it's giant hand! Deadpool accidentally dropped his swords, and the Sentinel, with it's only good eye, prepared to fire a laser blast at him.
"Welp... this is gonna hurt." Deadpool said, wincing in anticipation for the pain.
"I'M COMING!!!" Kat yelled. Both Deadpool and the Sentinel looked up, only for the sentinel to be greeted with Kat kicking it's other eye so hard, she actually went through it's head! The Sentinel threw Deadpool into the air, in which Kat caught him easily, and the Sentinel began to cover both of it's eyes with it's right arm, and began to fire blindly with it's left.
"Now to it's battery!"
"And where's that!?"
"The triangle on it's chest! I'll meet you there!" He teleported away. Kat dodged the Sentinel's plasma shots and made it to it's chest area, landing right next to the giant triangle. It seemed to notice where she was at and it rose both of it's arms up to begin to pound her into a bloody paste. Deadpool reappeared in a puff, using his swords and sliced both hands of the Sentinel off The sentinel was all but useless now, but they weren't finished. Deadpool teleported next to Kat and gave her one of his swords.
"What do you want me to do with this?"
"Use it like a crowbar!"
"But won't it break?"
"I've got replacements!" She shrugged and the two removed the giant chest plate, showing it's glowing battery core, though the swords snapped.
"What now!?"
"We blot it the f**k up like a Michael Bay film!"
"How!?"
"It's hands!" She 'ohed' at it. Deadpool grabbed her and teleported her to it's right hand, the Deadpool went to the left. "On 3, got it!?"
"Got it!"
"1...2...3!!!" They both pulled the wires and both hands released a plasma shot to the Sentinel's battery! It exploded as Deadpool predicted, as pieces of the Sentinel showered over Equestria! The blast made Kat lose control of her abilities, making her fall down with no control. Though unsure, she thought she could hear music play as everything played out: Deadpool directed his fall and caught Kat in his arms. Deadpool directed both Kat and him to grab a falling piece of the Sentinel's face, and held on for dear life.
"D-Deadpool?" she spoke in a weak tone.
"Yeah?" Deadpool replied, looking back to her, holding her and the piece in place as they freefell.
"...Thanks for coming back. You're not half bad. More annoying than Gilgamesh, but not bad." Deadpool smiled under his mask
"Thanks. Say, spell 'Me'."
"...M, E."
"You forgot the 'D'."
"There's no 'D' in 'Me'."
"Not yet." He laughed out loud.
"... You bastard!!!"
"Don't worry, I got something even better!"
"Hope so!"
"Think you can control your powers?"
"Yeah, I should." Before they could become a splatter on the floor, Kat began to float into the air and the two landed safely. The ponies cheered that their local hero and his side chick were safe. "Alright, what did you have in mind?" Deadpool placed the gold Daft Punk helmet over head, and he placed the silver on his.
"You danced with Gilgamesh, right?"
"Uh... Kinda. Why?"
"Just follow me!"

"That was fun," Kat replied, taking her helmet off. "And I got a little something for you."
"That's cool," Deadpool said, pulling his smart phone out. "Come here!" He grabbed Kat and the two got into the picture frame. "SELFIE!!!" The two took a picture with a Party Favor photobombing in the background. "Alright, what was it?"
"This." She gave Deadpool a simply kiss on his cheek. Deadpool blushed hard, then fell to his back. A portal opened up. "I guess that's my time to go. It was nice to meet someone new, perhaps you'll soon meet the other people I've meet. And, pleas, for all that's good, onl summon me for EMERGENCIES and not for having an itchy ass, okay?" Deadpool was strangely silent. "I'll take that as a yes. Bye!" She fliped her gravity around & entered the portal, and the portal closed as soon as she entered. Deadpool laid there as, inside his head, his voices sang I kissed a girl.

Author's Note:

Be sure to check out DJSkywalker's "Gravity of the Situation".

Comments

[Lightning Crystal]

this one was hilarious

[ElementBrigade]

Funny and interesting can't wait to see more

[The Other Guy]

I gotta say, Kat totally would've kicked its ass. She's one of the most op displaced there are.

[RSBFclanFTW]

stomp Deadpool's skull in! Deadpool's body twitched for a few seconds, being the last thing his body did was making both hands give the finger

Was that an outlast reference??