First and foremost, I'm not that great a writer. I'm awesome. There really isn't much to me.
Twilight just got to the human world(again) and hears the whole situation about the Dazzlings. Adagio sees that she can be a threat and decides to take care of her. But not by getting rid of her, instead she wants Twilight to join them. How will they do that? Who knows? Will Sonata get her tacos? Just read and find out. Only slightly dark.
Warning this is my first story, constructive criticism is welcomed, and sorry if you don't like it. Enjoy.
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Interesting, I wonder how this is gonna play out.
Like the idea. Just two questions. Is this gonna have Hypnosis and will there be spoilers from the movie?
A.k.a How Rainbow Rocks COULD'VE Played Out is what I'm calling this, because I'm starting to wonder if ANY villain in the MLP world has EVER thought about corrupting Twilight. Seriously. If they did that it would be "NEW MLP VILLAIN: Boom! Done! Give up now!" Mane 5/Princesses: Well we're fucked."
There are a few problems here and there, but besides that it's good for a first story.
I'd give more backstory to that fourth necklace, for starters. The whole random "Dunno. Just found it" really shouldn't cut it for an idea like this.
There might need to be more development of the thought process behind Twilight, too. She's struggling with making new magic yet again, thrown back into a world where her natural magic isn't available, and the stress of saving the world again has to be weighing on her.
5213356 No and yes. No hypnosis is involved, but there will most likely be spoilers.
5215426
Ok cool. Saw a lot of corrupting people with hypnosis and was wondering.
5213573 I've thought about it and can't really think about how she got it. I was probably thinking about Pinkie Pie. I'll work on the back story to the fourth amulet, and Twilight is feeling the weight of the world, we just haven't gotten into that detail yet.
Good chapter, I'm really looking forward to when the amulet's fully charged. That should prove to be interesting.
Chapter's good and so is the pacing, Nothing is rushed and instant.
Hmm...Evil rockstar played by Tara Strong...where have we seen this before?
I like it!
Keep going!
I'm planning on doing this in a future sequel to one of my stories, where the Dazzlings have BROTHERS and possess the entire Mane 6 to test their little sisters' strength.
Work on your grammar a bit. It's not really annoying, but just needs a lil work.
When's the next chapter expected to come out?
5220114 Either Monday or Tuesday.
5219504 Are you talking about Applejack's dialogue?
5220556 That's fine, it's just how she talks. No point changing it. I mean the new
paragraph in
the middle of the sentence. You also are missing a lot of commas, misspelling words, like sugercube instead of sugarcube, and not properly capitalizing letters, lime the s in Spike, the dark in Rainbow Dash, go back and fix the mistakes.
I'd suggest not using quotation marks when a character is conveying unspoken thoughts as it can confuse people into thinking they are actually speaking the words. More often than not you can simple write what the character is thinking if it is written from their point of view. Additionally, you don't always need to add a tag saying he/she thought if you believe that it will be generally understood that the contents of the paragraph are internal thoughts. For a better explanation on how to express a character's thoughts look here.
Aside from that the story looks good so far and I'm interested to see how it progresses. Keep up the good work.
I wonder how the Humane 5 are going to react to all this?
Ooh, nice cliffhanger. Now the real questions come in - how does this affect events moving forward, and where did Sonata get that fourth amulet from in the first place?
5217655
Except none of the Dazzlings are done by Tara Strong; so that doesn't really work (Sonata is Gilda in disguise, though).
5221996 I was actually referring to Twilight herself since she's being manipulated into joining the Dazzlings in this story.
5221558 Still working on that part. How many of you want to know where the fourth amulet came from, how many just want the story to continue? I'll write both but which one should come first?
5223649 Ideally, it would play into the story itself.
5223690 As for tying into events of the story, nothing much changes. Only small details here and there but nothing too big.
When is the next chapter expected to come out? Also I can give yo some advice for when it comes to announcing when the next chapter. Um that is if you don't mind. Eep!
This was not entirely necessary, you could probably just use a few dashes or underscores to separate a new segment and we could figure out the POV. Remember, as a general rule of thumb, show don't tell.
Thoughts are usually depicted with italics, not parentheses. Also, I would put the thought before the "um" and make a new paragraph for the actual dialouge. Like so.
Also, try to keep the thoughts less fragmented, unless the situation calls for it and you're doing it for stylistic purposes. It also may be unnecessary if you want to avoid telling too much. If you do, it's often a good idea to keep it short.
Otherwise, the story is interesting! Keep up the good work!
5223793
5223793 It'll be ready soonish. I'll start making the new chapter after I've decided what it should be about. Chapter about the fourth amulet, or just continue with the current path? And yes you can give me advice.
Honestly, you probably just need an editor, your story is great though.
5223872 The advice I'm about to give you involves releasing new chapters. What you should do is that in the author's notes you should give the readers a release date on each chapter, not exact though, but like a guess as to when it might be up. Trust me when i say this will help you to make sure readers don't start spamming about when the next chapter is. Does this help any?
5221996 I think he/she's talking about Twilight. You know, with the whole plan to make her a Dazzling. That's what I got.
5224034
Ah, I guess that would make sense. I just wasn't thinking of it that way.
5222045
Someone else pointed that out to me; my bad.
OMYGOODNESS! I love this thing! Finally theres a rainbow rocks fic thats not about tacos
Please make more of this!
Hips confirmed. Good start
5223913 Yes and no. I put in the author's notes in the first chapter when i'd put up new chapters.
2 and a half hours till I decide what the new chapter will be about. Tell me if you guys want the fourth amulet backstory or if I should just continue from where I left off.
5224861 In my opinion how I would do it is pick up from where you are now and leave the back story of the fourth amulet in the fifth chapter where Twilight ask, after she's joined them fully, "Where did this fourth amulet come from anyways?" In my opinion that's what I would do.
5224861
Yeah, just keep up from where you left off. Backstory is good, but you have to keep the reader hooked. You're at a critical juncture right now, so be careful.
Excellent story! ^_^ Keep going, I really want to see how this'll finish.
Fix your grammar. Learn capitalization, comma usage, SPELLING, things like that. Not talking 'bout A'S speech btw.
5225614 I'll work on it, just give me some time first.
More please.
WORK ON YOUR GRAMMAR AND SPELLING NOW! JamesESL is a YouTube channel that dabbles in the English language.
Please write more this is awesome!
PS: I hope the Dazzlings win
I'm enjoying this so far; I hope it continues to be this good.
One question though; why was Twilight not the least bit concerned about the change?
It isn't an issue, really; but explaining why she is just going along with the Dazzlings (when she came solely to stop them)
now would've been great.
5228008
Twilight is basically as logic-hyped as a Vulcan.
The dazzlings gave her reasons to join them that are sound and logical.
It's simple logic... Dammit I did it again, sounding logical...