1 - It's all in the costume, baby!

Chapter 1: It’s all in the costume, baby!

There comes a time in one’s life when a truly evil laugh is born. It is not fashioned, nor created, it is not forged, nor nurtured, it simply comes from the soul.

“Mwuhahahahahahaha!” I cackled maniacally, then again this particular one could only be achieved by a combination of natural talent and years of practice. “Finally, my plans have come to fruition. As soon as the five Rings of Tartarus are disabled, legions of dark warriors and evil minions will be at my command! Soon, all of Equestria will be in grasp!”

I couldn’t resist another deep cackle.

My dark knight, Meep, was less than enthusiastic about my wonderful monologuing. She turned rather unimpressive and unimaginative brown eyes towards me.

“Well done, my lord,” she spoke drily. “Perhaps you would like some dessert before going off to destroy the world?”

I considered her offer. After all, a villain must always negotiate with his temporarily assisting allies and his foes.

“That will be suitable. A ten minute break… AND THEN ALL OF EQUESTRIA WILL BE MINE!”

——

“That was simply amazing, Meep,” I said, licking the cream off my muzzle. “Give my regards to the cook.”

Meep gave me a long-suffering look. “There is no cook, my liege.”

“Well there should be one!” I snapped. “How am I supposed to maintain my aura of evil and power if there aren’t a flock of minions and servants to do my bidding?!”

“You have me, sir,” she replied, fluttering her wings a bit. I cocked my head and nodded a couple of times.

“Yes,” I assented, my eyes widening. “Yes! All the new villains are conquering Equestria with just their bare hooves, what need of I for legions of servants and minions when I am powerful enough to obliterate anypony that stands in my way?”

Meep rolled her eyes, but I ignored her because she was more useful to me alive. I have need of sweets when I deal out punishments to all who would defy me. I needed to taste the sweet, sweet sugary relish of revenge when I commit unspeakable atrocities.

“Meep, cancel the Rings of Tartarus, we have no need for our legions anymore. I will deal with the heroes of Equestria with my bare hooves.”

Meep stared at me blankly for a moment, before nodding. “Oh yes, the Rings of Tartarus, I’ll put the cancellation order down tomorrow, your unholiness.”

I nodded regally. Meep had her ups and downs but the one thing she never failed to do was to show respect for my many dark titles. I flipped my coat behind my back. It was probably swaying awesomely in the breeze right now. I perked my ears. Wait… no breeze. I lit up my horn. Come on, come on, come on!

There we go.

“Are you doing that thing again, my lord, where you pose dramatically and have a light breeze flow across your coat?” Meep asked rather robotically. Maybe she is a robot? I don’t know, I usually don’t build my own dark knights…

“It’s all in the costume!” I growled, flapping my coat again. “It gives me an aura of mystique and class!”

Meep studied me with her deep ocean-blue eyes. “I think it would work better if you wore a vest. Maybe if you ask Rarity-“

“No!” I yelled, leaping back in horror. “How could you even suggest such a thing?! A villain will never ask a hero-“ I stomped a hoof at the word “-for help! That goes against every villainous code out there!”

“There’s a code, your darkness?” Meep queried curiously. She leant in closer. “What are the rules in the code?”

I glared at her for a moment, but Meep just stared at me back. Grr. Frustrating little dark knight. I shall feed you to my sharks after you give me some more cake.

“Number one,” I announced magnanimously. “We don’t ask questions.”

“Huh,” Meep only grunted in response. I found that answer unsatisfactory.

“Do you have something to say, minion?”

“I thought I was your dark knight, your supreme darkness.”

“You were downgraded to minion.”

“Why?”

“Because you asked too many questions.”

Meep was quiet at that. “Do I get a worker’s representative?”

“A w-what?” I spluttered.

“Worker’s representative. You know, I have relatives working in the weather factory and they get ‘fair working conditions’ and ‘fair pay’,” she explained. She pointed to the cloud above our heads. “For example, that cloud must not exceed the capacity for a pegasus to lift without straining their forelimbs.” She crossed her arms and sat down. “I demand to see my worker’s representative.”

I gaped at her. “B-But you’re not getting paid!”

She gave me a blank look. “All the more reason to have a representative,” she commented mildly.

I stared at Meep and then threw up my hooves. “Okay you can stay as a dark knight,” I grumbled as I trudged my way to the market square.

“Thank you, my lord,”

“Right,” I said, sweeping my gaze around for potential recruitment targets. “We’ll need to convince the populace to aid me in conquering Equestria. Any ideas?”

Meep cocked her head at me. “Weren’t you going to conquer Equestria bare hoofed?”

I gave my dark knight a slow shake of my head. “I have come to the conclusion that all villains must have the appropriate minions. I need people who are loyal to me and will not hesitate to execute my orders no matter how unpleasant they get.”

Meep gave me a frown.

“You just want the adoration, sire.”

“I just want the worshipping,” I admitted. I paused. “There are still practical necessities to raising an army of minions. The more I have at my disposal the easier it will be to conquer Equestria.” I laughed maniacally. “I may not even need to lift a hoof!”

Meep didn’t look as impressed as I was with the plan.

“Don’t you think you’ll need to pay these minions? The more you have, the more you’ll need to pay,” she stated flatly.

I cleared my throat. “What need of they for bits up front when I can offer riches, glory and power later?!” I lowered my voice. “All the bits they could want, all the fame and adoration they would desire, all the servant mares they could- ow!” I cried out and rubbed my shoulder where Meep had slapped me with her hoof.

I flicked a hoof on the upside of her chin for her insolence… or at least I attempted to, she just dodged. Hmm, I must be getting rusty. Those three years in Canterlot prison should have taught me life or death manoeuvres against the hardest of criminals.

“If not the pool of sharks, then the pool of acid,” I muttered darkly. Meep flicked an ear but otherwise didn’t respond.

I cleared my throat. “As I was saying, all I need to do is promise them something they want and I’ll have no need to pay them.”

Meep gave me a sidelong glance. “Won’t they be angry if you can’t give them what they want?”

I snorted. “But by then I’LL HAVE RULED ALL OF EQUESTRIA, MWUHAHAHA! NOPONY CAN DEFY ME THEN!” Meep rolled her eyes. I waved a hoof at her impatiently. “Come, subordinate, we must accost the crowds!”

——

After a couple of hours of general shouting, the populace didn’t seem too interested in becoming my minions. I even threw in a dental plan! What is this?!

Meep tapped me on the shoulder. I ignored her. She was probably going to rub the failed plan in my face again.

“My lord?”

“Not now, Meep. There is still hope yet. I will conquer these lands, just you watch! You sir! Are you interested in becoming my minion? Power, riches and status are just a breath away if you swear eternal loyalty and fealty to me! What? Stop! Don’t walk away! I demand you take me seriously!”

Meep tapped me on the shoulder again.

“Come on Meep, one more try. Then we can regroup and I’ll work on a doomsday device.”

Meep tapped me on the shoulder more insistently.

“What?!” I yelled spinning around. I noticed a big pink mass next to Meep.

“MEEP!” I shouted, scrabbling backwards. “You’ve got a big pile of furry pink bubblegum next to you!”

The heavy mass of pink bubblegum giggled.

“Hiya, there!” it said, bending down. I finally recognised the monstrosity.

“Meep, get behind me, it’s one of the heroes! They’ve come to finish us off!” I exclaimed. Meep rolled her eyes.

“My lord, you’re the one I’m supposed to be protecting, remember? You couldn’t even swat a fly.”

“I’ll have you know-“

“My liege, this mare wants to become your minion.”

“W-What?!”