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  • T White Box

    Here in the White Box, the lights hurt my eyes.
    11,392 words · 13,892 views  ·  1,626  ·  33
  • T Anno Domini

    Ash to ash, dust to dust.
    8,893 words · 15,200 views  ·  1,136  ·  47
  • E Cutie Mark Crusaders: Foal Laborers

    It's time for the Crusaders to learn what it's like in the real world. Their task? Get a job!
    3,090 words · 1,380 views  ·  147  ·  3
  • T Bezithan

    Purpose and meaning are not to be found in the laws of nature. It is our destiny to create them. We are the architects of our future.
    16,820 words · 5,994 views  ·  465  ·  21
  • E Off-Key

    A tale of Vinyl Scratches' journey to becoming the renown DJ-P0N3.
    12,007 words · 920 views  ·  64  ·  2
  • T Pinkie Pie is Dead

    When you lose something worth living for, you get something worth dying for.
    25,839 words · 1,332 views  ·  141  ·  9
  • T Minuit a fond la caisse

    Pinkie, you should be going to sleep.
    3,984 words · 638 views  ·  63  ·  4

Blog Posts65

  • 39w, 4d
    will the real chromosome please stand up

    Is this thing on?

    Good. You're gonna want to see this.

    I am not far many more things than I am, and among them are the following: I am not Chromosome. I am not who you think. I am not a vigil for this account's original owner. I am not a joke, or a trick, or a clever ruse. And as I've just recently and fortuitously come into possession of it, I am not planning on just leaving an account with over 800 followers to sit around unused and unloved while there are stories to be written and a fickle bastard of a feature box to invade.

    Conversely, I am controversial. I am intruding upon the legacy of someone you all seemed to have treasured while he was here. But I am also, by Chromosome's private admission, free to do whatever I want with this account. And I am intrigued, though not discomforted yet, with the choice I now face.

    What the hell should I do with this thing?

    I could try to emulate Chromosome's style and pick up where he left off. I could use this as a dumping ground for any plot thread I'm not sure if I want to follow. I could take commissions for anything under the sun. I could write clop, depraved or otherwise. I could do nothing at all, and merely stand guard over the remnants and rubble left behind by those who came before me. Regardless of what ends up happening here, I'll go ahead and add one more thing that I'm not.

    I'm not going away.

    Arriverderci, my little new friends, and good riddance to anyone who's decided to unfollow this account and direct their inordinately valued attention elsewhere. Any of you who want to stick around and watch what's about to go down... just call me Maverick. We just might have a little bit of fun together.

    38 comments · 820 views
  • 44w, 3d
    HAHA LATER

    Some ya's been fun, some ya's been pains. Some ya's been genuine pals, some ya's been bastards. Either way gg good run and see you all in the next life.

    Don't blink, ya might just miss me! Tallyho!

    26 comments · 701 views
  • 47w, 3d
    Four Nails to a Coffin

    Hello, everyone. It's been a while! Sorry about that. Between finals looming on the horizon, other obligations and... well, just general laziness, I've been incapable of really keeping on top of journals. I'm sure you guys don't mind too much though.

    As I write this, I realise how this journal is another small drop in a rising ocean. Your tumblrs and facebooks and fimfiction accounts by now are probably black with notifications heralding one thing: season four has finally come. And wow, has it been a wait. You've endured a shoddy third season, a longer-than-usual dry spell, and finally you're being rewarded with one kicker of a full season. It's like a whole new world again.

    "But the time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of many things."

    I'm scratching my head as to how to put this best. Most of you know that when it comes to public announcements, I do my best to avoid waffling about my personal dealings. However, I believe that in this situation, at least some sort of explanation for what comes next. In past hiatus, I've always asked myself and my friends if they believe that immersing ourselves too fully in "serious" fanfiction was spoiling the show for us. The kind of emotion and theme that was being put across in writing couldn't be possibly matched by a children's cartoon. And it can't. But it didn't matter, because whenever we went back, we were reminded why we loved it so much to begin with. The jokes, the character, the all around fun. It's refreshing, in a sense, to get that feeling.

    Now imagine that wave didn't come. Imagine that in the show's absence the cynicism and maturity brought on by copious fanfics didn't get washed away by the purging light of pony marvel. Imagine that feeling gnawing at me the entire month leading up to the season four premiere until it came to the test today.

    I guess that what I'm trying to say is this: season four is going to be great. Amazing, even. Everything's been amped up from the characters to the animation. I can tell this from only ten minutes of having watched it. However this won't include me, because instead of finding myself enjoying the show, I find myself uncomfortable watching it, awkward. It's like when your parents tell you santa isn't real (spoilers!) and the magic just vanishes. And with my one last tie to a fandom I've got little love left for, what does it mean?

    Well, as far as you should be concerned, absolutely nothing! I'm going to keep writing Bezithan, I'm going to continue my presence on this website. Honestly, nothing will be different. Things are still the same, and all that's been added is a deadline. Bezithan shall be my last contribution to the ponyverse, and honestly? No other story could be more appropriate. My writing muscles are aching to move on to writing about things that aren't plush cartoon critters. I want that, I really want that. I want to be able to call myself a writer with no strings attached, to get published, to do what I want. And I guess I realise I can't do that here anymore.

    Anyways, that's all I really have to say on the subject. The future's still bright, folks! I've got a ton in store for Bezithan, and I can't wait to take you on this last trip. It's gonna be a good one. I hope you all enjoy season four. Give Celestia a kick in the seat for me.

    12 comments · 457 views
  • 49w, 4d
    I am the forever

    3 comments · 227 views
  • 53w, 6h
    SO I BEEN BUSY

    6 comments · 174 views
  • ...
 107
 3,121

Originally written by Chromosome.

Pound Cake never cared for Canterlot. Why should he? This city has poisoned his existence, destroyed who he his, mutilated his body and soul and left him only a shell of who he could've been. And so he leaves it behind by rising above it, taking up the dangerous job of runner and transporting documents from rooftop to rooftop, away from the prying eyes of the provisional government. But when his sister is framed for a crime that would make her the most wanted criminal in all of Canterlot, he must prove her innocence while protecting the ones he loves and the lifestyle he has grown accustomed to.

A pseudo-crossover with Mirror's Edge. Teen for swearing ponies. A big thank you to all my pre-readers as well, for helping me crank this thing out!

First Published
24th Apr 2012
Last Modified
8th Nov 2013
#1 · 129w, 6d ago · 1 · 9 · Part 1 of 4 ·

I already love this and I havent even started it yet... But who cares? I WIELD THE MIGHTY SHOTGUN OF FIRST!!!!!

n
#2 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

was nice

#3 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

A Mirrored Edge Mlp Crossover. Nice.

#4 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

GOD SPEED YOU MAGNIFICENT SON OF A BITCH!!!

:pinkiehappy:

#5 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

I am so slow. I was about to post a bunch of comments on the GDoc. *useless*

Anyways, I like it! Clipping makes me die inside, though. That feels way more than Teen.

Your action is great, there was a lot of tension. I sitting there all "COME ON POUND, YOU CAN DO IT"

#6 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

The clippers... they must die in the fire of a thousand suns.

#7 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

I haven't read this yet, but I c wut u did thar.  Nice Mirror's Edge reference in the desc.

I'm not sure if the story is as enticing as that, but I just know it's by you, one of my all-time fave authors.:pinkiehappy:

#8 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Mirror's Edge crossover.

Added to reading list.

#9 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Chromosome, you left one of your GDoc comments down at the end there.

Happy to see this is up now, anyway. Hope it's a success!

#10 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

A pseudo-crossover with Mirror's Edge, and from the wonderful author Chromosome? Curse my lack of time and being unable to read this right now. :raritydespair:

*Clicks Read Later*

This is gonna be good. :rainbowkiss:

#11 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

AWWWWWWWWW YEAAAAAAAHHHHHH. This is exciting to the max! :rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

#12 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Oh my god.  Oh my...holy shit.  Is this really...could it possibly be...

Did somepony just write a Mirror's Edge crossover?

And is that somepony Chromosome?

>pseudo-crossover

CLOSE ENOUGH

#13 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Aw yeah, it's finally here! And it's every bit as good as I hoped it would be (although since I've loved everything you've published here so far, I guess that's not so surprising) :pinkiehappy:

Where do I start? Well I suppose with Mirror's Edge. My entire knowledge of that game comes from the trailer and the Zero Punctuation review, so I'm almost as in the dark as you get- so the fact that I had no trouble at all following what was going on was a major positive here. Also, the way you integrated the core game-play mechanics was kind of genius... by that I mean, at the start, I was baffled why any pegasi would ever waste their time with free running, but the explanation you gave as to why this should be was just heart-wrenching.

The scene where Scootaloo and Pound Cake are talking on the roof really got to me. As did Rainbow's drinking problems. And the bit where Pound Cake is hiding by the dumpster... I really like how you've managed to integrate so much emotion into this whilst still maintaining a fast pace and an adventurous tone. Oh, and I've just gotta single out the paragraph where Pound Cake's searching for the right word to describe being airborne- that was just beautiful.

And that ending! So much intrigue! :pinkiegasp: I can’t wait to see what happens next.

... Also, have some notes :twilightblush:

> 'There’s water purification plant'

Is that supposed to say a water purification plant?

>'neither of whom said a word as he stared at

his hooves numbly.

“Pound Cake…" '

The formatting seems to be a little messed up here.

> 'Pound Cake reclined and let the breeze chill the sweat on his fur.'

Formatting again. This line's indented when none of the other paragraphs are (I've noticed that FIMfiction seems to do this from time to time, and that the only way to solve it is to delete the sentence and write it again. Or at least in my experience that’s the only way :applejackunsure:)

> 'Scootaloo had just returned from finishding'

Finishding?

> ' “Running has nothing to do with flying,” protested Pound Cake,'

Ends with a comma instead of a full stop.

> 'He missed daddy so, so much...and mommy too. But mommy'

I think in this context mommy and daddy are supposed to be capitalized. It happens again later on when Pumpkin Cake asks, “When’s the last time you saw mom, huh?”

> 'leveling her his eyes with hers.'

Levelling his eyes with hers?

#14 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

To extend on what Lucky Dreams said now that I've finished reading the first chapter: I'd also like to compliment you not only on bothering to come up with an explanation for why pegasi would be runners, but also valuing the far-too-often-ignored factor of backstory enough to make that explanation a central component of the story.  The biggest thing that makes this crossover for me is that kind of attention to detail, and the inherent insinuation that you are indeed writing a true crossover, in the sense that you're incorporating the elements of the secondary universe while still maintaining a believable (well, more or less) portrayal of Equestria.  On that note, though, the only issue I had with the story was the inclusion of Fancy Pants as the antagonistic governor.  Seeing as he was such a good guy in the show, I'm honestly baffled as to why he would've chosen the path he did in this story, and how that role played out by the end of this chapter almost makes it more problematic, since you could've very easily just used a one-off OC and made it, IMO, much more believable.  I mean, you could honestly just go back, find-replace his name, and everything would be hunky-dory.  Admittedly, though, that fact does pinpoint that as a pretty small issue in the long run, though it is one I'd suggest you consider.

In summary, I'll phrase my feelings about this story as I phrased them to another group of friends.  There are three MLP crossovers I've wanted to see done amazingly well basically since I joined this fandom: BioShock, The Walking Dead, and Mirror's Edge.  With Harmony, I hope to take care of the first one.  Based on what I've read so far, I'm pretty sure this story is going to take care of the third.  And that's all I have to say about that.

#15 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

>>495886

Oh, I know full well that Fancypants is a good guy. :raritywink:

I assure you, I have plans. Great, great plans.

#16 · 129w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Sweet Celestia, was I right. This story is awesome. :rainbowkiss:

#17 · 129w, 5d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

It's about damn time! You may be the first person I've seen write a fanfic based on the cake twins, and I'm definitely watching this to see where it goes. :raritystarry:

#18 · 129w, 5d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

>>494224 None Piece reference? :rainbowhuh::rainbowhuh::rainbowhuh: or something else?

#19 · 129w, 5d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

>>499318

Freakin' solid! :rainbowkiss:

#20 · 129w, 4d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

When seeing the character list. I really didn't think this would be my type of story. I had no interest in Scootaloo or the Cake siblings. But I couldn't take my eyes away from this story nonetheless. I just hope you don't take that long to produce the next parts.

Still! Don't forget about Off-Key!

#21 · 129w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

"At birth, young pegasi were specially designated in the government's database and were “rendered flight neutral”. It was more commonly known as clipping, although Rainbow Dash had far more colorful words to describe the “atrocity”. A doctor would take a newborn foal and trim the primaries on the pegasi’s wings. With these leading edges gone, a pegasus was rendered completely incapable of flight, essentially being reduced to an earth pony with a couple extra feathers."

Someone has no idea how wings work.  :facehoof:

Read up a bit more on bird anatomy next time.  Feathers are constantly shed as they're damaged, and grow back.

#22 · 129w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

I actually started a new playthrough of this game the other day. I like the first chapter - can't wait to see where it'll go from here!

#23 · 129w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

>>521682 We're talking about magical flying horses and this is the part that bothers you. While even cursory research into how wing clipping works proves you right, of course, as well as punching several other holes in the setting (Like how you're only supposed to clip a bird's wing enough so it can only fly a couple feet at a time, and can still use the wings for things like mid-air maneuvers, thus really dropping the danger involved in this line of work), that's kind of not the point.

This makes me want to play mirror's edge again, although I hope you don't adhere too closely to the game's plot.

#24 · 129w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

>>521988

It becomes an issue because it is an idiot ball moment where something blatantly stupid is accepted as fact because it is what is needed to make the dystopian plot he's cribbing from Mirror's Edge kinda work in this setting.  Unfortunately, it is outstandingly wrong enough to break immersion, and basing a fic's premise on that is really poor craft.

#25 · 129w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Brilliant story. Very well done in manipulating both the Mirror's Edge universe as well as the MLP universe together so that they can fit together, and a surprising, but I think very promising choice of characters for the main!

Just two questions, where are the rest of the Mane 6... and is Scoot gonna be a traitor?

Fury of the Tempest fav's this story.

#26 · 128w, 5d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Misplaced modifiers galore. Grammar Nazi, heil! :flutterrage:

also FINALLY A MIRRORS EDGE CROSSOVER PONY THING THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

#27 · 128w, 4d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

>>522395 Mmm. I know we mentioned this on Equestria Daily, but it's been bugging me still. I've read back over it again, mulled it over, and realised that's exactly what's causing me trouble with this fic. It has outstanding writing. Truly outstanding - characterisation and emotional language is handled very competently. But clipping... clipping just pulls the whole thing down. It introduces so many plot holes it's not even funny. You're honestly expected to believe the rest of the equine race would turn on the pegasi and enact such a horrifically racist policy like this because they were fighting enemies who also happened to be winged? And the pegasi just accepted this? This is the sort of thing that would start a civil war.

I hope some more explanation would come in the later chapters, but this one piece of bad world-building really drags the story down. I want to like this crossover; Mirror's Edge is a game I return to again and again, and it's obviously being handled by a very competent author... but I just can't enjoy it nearly as much as I want to.

#28 · 128w, 4d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

>>541140

The worst part is that it is an incredibly simple fix that fits Mirror's Edge better.  What do you do? Simple.  There is no flying in Canterlot because they fear griffin attack, and have set up a spell to instantly track anything in the air.  The only ones allowed to fly in Canterlot airspace are licensed by the central government.  Said 'runners' are taking black-market delivery jobs that pegasi would usually take.

There. Now you have a justification for parkour ponies, without pointlessly grimdark worldbuilding or plot holes the size of Celestia's rump.

#29 · 128w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Ummm, I was just wondering, would it be alright with you if I do a sort of prequel to this? I started reading this, and then I immediately got an idea. Now, I would understand if you said no, but I really want to pursue this. It would be something for me to work hard on. I have so many useless ideas and side projects, what I need is something I can really focus on. R.S.V.P.

#30 · 128w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

>>556410

You could, but keep in mind that I'm going to be covering the history of how Equestria has gotten to this point. Perhaps you should hold off until the series completes itself.

#31 · 128w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

I'm going to be doing it chapter by chapter, and I'm trying to pay more attention to detail now. I'll hold off a bit, though, like you suggested, after I release the first chapter. Thanks for the permission, man. I'll also be using one of my OC's, if that's okay with you.

#32 · 128w, 20h ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Hey! Just wanted to let you know that the first chapter is coming along well. I'll PM you once it's out, and I would like to know what you think of it.

#33 · 127w, 4d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Where's Pinkie Pie though? :pinkiesad2:

#34 · 126w, 3h ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Well, well. I came back to this on a whim after reading your, uh, 'sequel' to White Box, only to find you'd edited it and removed clipping as the reason for the pegasi being grounded, and replaced it with the no-fly zone. I really have to thank you for removing the one thing that kept me from completely enjoying this fic... and also, sorry for kicking up such a fuss about it in the first place. Eagerly looking forward to the next chapter.

#35 · 121w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

This is looking good. Very good looking indeed. I can't help but shiver when thinking what would happen to a pegasus who would spread their wings... :raritydespair:

Anyway, tracking this piece like a hound! Can't wait for the other parts

#36 · 121w, 18h ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

Oh crap... I don't remember the story line for this at all... This is what happens when you don't update for a month and a half... Oh well, I shall now go and re-read!! And I apparently wield the mighty shotgun again... Ironic, no?

#37 · 121w, 13h ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

Holy crap it's finally here!!!!!!!:pinkiehappy:!!!!!!!!!!!:pinkiehappy:!!!!!!!!!:rainbowkiss:

#38 · 121w, 4h ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

Finally!!! You, my dear Chromosome, are a genius. A absolute genius. One of my favorite geniuses on this site, in fact. You, dear Chromosome, are awesome on several levels.

#39 · 121w, 4h ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

New chapter, yay

and it's the evening before my exams, I won't be able to read it for TWO DAYS

I hate exams

#40 · 121w, 2h ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

Holy...

HOLY...

H!O!L!Y!

B!U!C!K!

I was expecting Dash or someone to turn up at the end but this... damn... just damn...

#41 · 120w, 6d ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

*sees picture* hmm this vaguely reminds me of mirrors edge, I should play that again sometime... *reads description* I love you.

#42 · 120w, 5d ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

2 figures.. Could it be Applebloom and Sweetie Belle? :duck::duck:

#43 · 118w, 5d ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

Well, it took me more than long enough to get round to reading this, however it was worth the wait! But first:

Panting hard, the Pound Cake put his head in his hooves.

'The Pound Cake'. Sounds like a tasty, sugary rip-off of The Batman :trollestia:

using to guide herself towards some sort of exit to the cramped room.

I feel like there's an 'it' missing there :applejackunsure:

Breaking into Lulamoon Technologies’ main building was far easier than expected

The stallion dipped his head slightly, as if somepony would overhear them in the abandoned building.

I think if I had any problem with this chapter, it's that  whilst Pound Cake's and Scootaloo's adventure ends about as disastrously as you can imagine, before that, I had trouble feeling any sort of tension whilst they were sneaking around what is allegedly one of Canterlot's most important, most fiercely protected buildings. I think the reason was because of lines like the ones above (you say 'as if' as if there's no danger whatsoever he'll be overheard, no security cameras, no hidden microphones, no nothing. That's not very scary). For instance, I saw Mission Impossible 4 again the other week, and when the characters need to break into the Kremlin, they have to work damn hard at it, i.e. they don't just simply hop on a roof and kick open a door.

The ironic thing is, when we finally do see the security, it's terrifying and a genuine threat, so there was indeed something to be scared of whilst sneaking around in the dark! But it still feels like it comes out of nowhere. Even if you simply drew attention to how unsettling it must be for Pound Cake and Scoots to encounter no resistance whatsoever on their way to the computer room, I think that could really benefit the story, because at the moment they don't even seem remotely surprised that they managed to reach what should be one of Canterlot's most guarded rooms with no trouble at all. If that were me, it would freak me the hell out and I'd feel like I was being toyed with (in fairness, you do briefly touch on that feeling, but it's forgotten the moment they reach the mainframe, which is probably where they should be feeling most nervous about being caught).

... But it's a minor problem, and the stuff I liked more than outweighed the bad :pinkiesmile:. The bit where Rainbow Dash is explaining about the photo, for instance, really got to me. You can feel her pain in every word she speaks, and when she rests her head on Pound Cake's lap... it's very touching, and it felt very real and emotional. It's a scene that could have felt contrived in the hands of someone less talented, so I think it speaks to your skill as a writer that it works so well.

Too often in these sorts of stories, I find that the writers are so desperate to have their characters kick ass or blow stuff up or whatever that they completely neglect to give them real emotions and feelings, so as a result, it's impossible to care about them (I'm not talking about fanfiction specifically, but just genrally). Here, because you've taken the time to set them up as real people -- ponies, even -- when the action started happening I was really anxious for Scoots and Pound Cake. Scootaloo in particular. It's Pound Cake's story and we're only halfway through, so of course he's gonna make it, but as for Scoots? All bets are off. I really hope she doesn't die :fluttershbad:

The ghosts were intriguing. I get the sense that they were once ponies themselves? Whatever they turn out to be, the moment that sticks out for me is when that one ghost pleads for his life, because I really wasn't expecting that from a cold blooded killing machine. And then the horror that Pound Cake feels afterwards, again, it made him feel real and likeable... the scene I would think to compare it to is an awful bit in Brisingr (why did I put myself through those horrible books, what on Earth was wrong with me? :facehoof:). In it, Eragon, our alleged 'hero', finds himself in a similar situation where he has to kill a defenceless soldier, and yet afterwards he doesn't feel even remotely bad about it. It's so chilling, and further distances you away from an already unrelatable character... the way that you did it was a lot more effective. I think you deserve a lot of praise for having Pound Cake feel the way he does, despite the fact he didn't really have a choice if he wanted to get him and Scoots out of there alive, and despite the fact the ghost had a very good go at trying to kill Scootaloo.

One more thing, I love your Derpy Hooves! It's so nice to see a version of her that not only isn't a total idiot, but is even competent and useful. There aren't enough Derpys like that, so it's always refreshing when one pops up every now and then.

Sorry that this comment was so embarrassingly long and pretentious. When I enjoy something, I can get seriously into it :ajsleepy:

Bring on part 3! :pinkiehappy:

#44 · 115w, 2d ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

Pound Cake is a good name for a foal.  But a grown stallion?  I wonder if he feels that he can ever live that down...

So Pound Cake CAN fly.  I'll be intrigued to see how you maintain this as a Mirror's Edge Crossover with... free-flying instead of free-galloping.

Wait.  CAN he fly?  I'm seeking answers and I'm too dayum impatient.

Nice little bits of dropping names like "Rainbow Dash" and "Scoot."  The best way to do exposition is to force the reader to ask more questions.

And then-WHAM!--Holy expositionary paragraph, Batman.  That's a lot of info to digest there.  I see you're turning Fancypants into the antagonistic force of this story--amirite?  I always liked the character, and felt he wasn't capable of douchebag qualities.  Also--this is something that bothers me a lot about incorporating war into the MLP fandom:  If Princesses Celestia and Luna had a beef with the griffons, couldn't they end the war in seconds flat?  They control the cosmic forces of the freakin' sun and moon.  What, they can affect the heavens and yet they can't blow away an entire battallion of griffons?  Also suggesting that the city of Canterlot industrialized because Celestia was gone for twenty years and happened to be casting a blind eye seems a lot to chew.  It probably would have been better to have just gone AU with this story and made Celestia the antagonistic force.  Meh.  Maybe I'm overreacting.  Moving right along.

Ah.  Okay.  The sound of the sparrow makes Pound Cake's wings twitch in thought.  See?  That's the sort of shiet I like.

The idea of a brutal government magically corrupting the atmosphere to restrict pegasi flight is like a fanfic all on its own.  I would like to see this story dwell on that more than live out its tenure as a crossover.

Nice, brief explanation about paper bits.

I swear.  This is the first time in any fanfic that I've read Derpy's lines written as cohesively and intelligently as possible.

Ah, sweet, sweet dystopia.  You have a good skill for world-building.  Or, in the case of your portrait of future Canterlot, "world-destroying."  I already lurve the implications of the scratched out mare in Rainbow Dash's photograph.

This is what's good about grimdark stuff, especially in the MLP universe.  You introduce the scenario, and yet you hide enough details so that the readers want to read more and learn more.  Then, after several emotional gut-punches (such as alcoholic, lamed Rainbow Dash) you have a quiet scene like Pound Cake and Scootaloo on the rooftop in which the actual partakers of the plot pose questions and philosophy that the readers themselves are pondering.  Only, we're exposed to the rich character analysis that blooms from such devices.  I wish more fanfics did this.  I'm reminded of why I started writing End of Ponies to begin with.

Dayum.  I hadn't thought of the implications of Pound's sister being a unicorn until now.  That could make for some seriously sexy drama.

Nice bit with the Rainbow Dash flashback.  Is it possible that an MLP fic actually, legitimately pulling at this reader's heartstrings?  F'naaa

If White Box is any indication in addition to this story, you seem to have a common theme of ebil governments doing ebil things and suppressing ponies with their ebil devices.  Just sayin'...

Kudos to not forcing the readers to experience Pound free-running through an identical environment to the first action scene.  Variety is the spice of poni poni poni.

Heaven forbid that a guard should... guard.

Oh shit, son.  Death of a Governor.

The placement of action sequences is important these days, especially when fight scenes have become commonplace, dime-a-dozen contraptions.  Here, you created a very, very tense situation of sibling drama and used it as a spring board for total Bruce Willis mode.  You have a fine eye for balance and pacing.  I wish I could capture that sort of stuff with my own writing and not bog it down with my usual penchant for epicness.


So yeah.  Good shiet.  Very good shiet.  I've never played Mirror's Edge the vidya game, but I suspect it's not even remotely laced with the layers of drama and emotion and familial tragedy that you've slathered onto this piece.  I almost wonder if labeling this as a "Crossover" hurts the story, because it's rather obvious that this fic goes above and beyond.  Perhaps, with a little bit of tweaking, you could have erased connections to Mirror's Edge altogether.  Or maybe you just lurve the game that much?  F'naa.

This is one Hell of an expositionary chapter.  You've established an exhausted protagonist stuck in a tense situation weighted down by his family's tragic demise.  You've cast Pumpkin in a light that is hardly golden, and yet there're enough complicated elements attached to her persona that I can't bring myself to hate her.  You gotta love stories that incorporate an intelligent mix of gray shades, provoking readers into expecting both the good and bad from the characters featured.

What's even better is that you set upon this story establishing several questions.  How did Rainbow Dash hurt her leg?  Where did Derpy's kid go?  Did Mr. Cake die in the war?  Is Mrs. Cake still alive?  Did Pumpkin murder the Governor?  What does the Lulamoon Industries file mean?

So many questions, that it's daunting.  I can see the legitimate need to consolidate this to only four parts.  I'm not sure any single human being has the brain capacity to juggle so many unfinished threads for longer.

So, yeah.  Reading this was refreshing.  I've forgotten how fun and arousing it is to world-build.  I do hope you grow past any self-doubt and fears and complete this work, as it is already turning out to be something worth anybody's envy, including mine.

-SS&E

#45 · 115w, 2d ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

Nice job personifying death as gravity.  It's the little things that count.

Oh, so that what happens.  It's not that he can't fly, but when he does the air zaps him... or something.  Heh.

Violet lightning, huh?  Seems a little too poignant a color to be random.

Oh.  The others didn't know about his phone.  Shiet.

The dream sequence was written beautifully.  Just sayin'.

Oh, so it's Rarity who's a turn-coat.  I do hope this story's above Rarity-hate.  I kind of hoped Twilight would have been the one.  Imagine her working for the government--because it felt right at first, but then becoming an unwitting cog in the suppressing machine over the years and having to come to terms with her despotic allies.  Nmiaow.  Would have been sexy setup for Rainbow Dash vs Twilight Sparkle.

Pinkie's the one that's scratched out, huh?  There you are again, making more questions in addition to the answers.  I figured that the scratched out mare would have been a pony Rainbow Dash was angry at.  But knowing her and her dislike for expressing emotions, it makes sense that it's a pony with whom she was a close friend (or evern closer), and erasing her from photographic memory is some manner of suppressing the pain.  F'naa.

Nice Scootaloo reveal.

I like that Scootaloo and Pound Cake came really close to going to blows, and yet they didn't.  There's a lot of love and hate going on around here, and it's very tender and believable.  Good characterization is good.

It's a little hard to swallow the pill you're giving us here: that an advanced urban society with computers and office complexes could have emerged from the relatively luddite nature of Equestria in the short span of twenty years.  That's an example of why I think this story could have benefited from either distancing itself from Mirror's Edge or else relegating itself into "Alternate Universe" standing.  Still, you write it confidently and it doesn't hamper the progression of the story any.

Oh hey, the red glass eyes thing.  Good device to remind us that shit has hit the fan.

The narration is starting to develop a voice, probably Pound Cake's, it would seem.

Oh hai, Scootadead.

Dayum good fight scene, btw.  Even if it is one-sided.

Alright, so he was rescued at the end.  I was hoping for a hint as to who the saviors were, but I guess that's the whole point of a cliffhanger.  For a moment, I thought it'd be Rainbow Dash to the rescue, but that would apparently clash with her code against murder.  Also, I'd imagine her redemption story should be saved for part four.  If anything, this would be really sexy if it was a reveal of Twilight and Pinkie or something like that.  But, you obviously know what you're doing, so there's no point in the servant telling the master what should be written.


I think I commented less this time, simply because I was so enthralled.  It makes sense that the second chapter would be grittier and darker, but holy shiet.  I'm desperate to see Scoots live through this, a close shave made all the more tender by just how friggin' beat up Pound Cake got when he attempted to avenge her.  This would be a great opportunity for eucatastrophe, or the sudden reversal from terrible to rapturous.  But you'd have every reason to kill Scoots off and send this story even further down the tragic-hole.

Whatever the case, I do hope you continue it.  It's a masterpiece of ponyfiction and its emotional heartstrings are too priceless to be cut off by ennui and neglect.  I think I have a new favorite on Fimfiction.net, and I have you to thank for it.

-SS&E

#46 · 112w, 4d ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

Oooh, I'm excited! I just got Mirror's Edge (sales are awesome!) and can't wait to start playing! And then I see this and it's like :pinkiegasp:

#47 · 112w, 2d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

WOW this fic is amazing. I'm also making a Mirrors Edge crossover like this because I didn't think anyone  had made one yet. I hate to admit it, but yours totally outfits mine! It's probably... at least 20% cooler than mine. :rainbowlaugh:

It's waiting to be approved, but when it is, do you think you could read mine and point out some tips and stuff for a rookie writer? That would be great.

#48 · 112w, 2d ago · · · Part 1 of 4 ·

*outshines, or out does.

Out of the two, I don't know why "outfit" was printed

#49 · 108w, 3d ago · 1 · · Part 1 of 4 ·

Whoa.  This is cool.  Premises like this excite me, and you're executing it with an entertaining blend of fast action, cinematic settings, and quick humor.

There are few words to be used in such a situation. However, Pound Cake found himself able to compress it down to one.

“Shit.”

I'm not a fan of profanity--at all--but this cracked me up.  :rainbowlaugh:

Yeah, that was great.  I'm glad I finally started this.  Really impressive opening chapter.  I already love this universe; I look forward to learning more about the War, the Princesses, the Mane Six's fallout, Fancy Pants, the Rainbow Runners, and the G+P Lulamoon.  :raritywink:

#50 · 108w, 3d ago · · · Part 2 of 4 ·

Goodness gracious me, you organized sack of DNA.  This is absolutely amazing.  This is edge-of-your-seat stuff, right here.  Wowee!

Yeah, so... I'm not as eloquent or clever a commenter as Skirts, but I would like to say that I agree with almost everything he said.  I was totally enraptured throughout the Ghost scene, from the return of the red glass eyes to the brutal shattering of one.  Man, that was good stuff.

I'm sure one more fan won't do much for your promptness at posting the next chapter, but know that you have one.  This is very, very good.

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