Twilight Sparkle's life was always somewhat hectic. She had dealt with the many problems that her home town had faced. She also dealt with many of the problems that the whole of Equestria had faced. Twilight's life faced many changes, from moving to a new town, to adopting a filly as her daughter, to becoming an alicorn princess. The challenges of her ever-changing life were often very difficult to face, however, she was never alone.
Now Twilight faces a new problem, Romance. Her feelings for one of her friends evolves beyond just friendship. As she confronts this new challenge, she begins to wonder if she is right to feel this way for another mare and she doubts that her friends and family will be able to accept her and her secret feelings. Can Twilight brave her latest challenge? Is she truly alone? Will she ever be happy again, or will her secret desires doom her to misery.
Nyx is a Character created by Pen Stroke in the story "Past Sins"
I own nothing from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Hasbro, or the characters created by other artists.
I only made most of the cover art. The Twilight Sparkle's Cutie Mark was made by someone else, and i only imported and edited that element.
I love this story so much :P You are a fantastic writer.
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I'm glad you like it.
Thank You!
Wait, wait, wait, wait Past Sins TwiDash I am so in!
Y'know, the fact that it was AJ and Flutters who helped set Twilight and Dash up together kind of reminded me of this story from Esle ynopemos' Thirty Minute Pony drabbles.
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Oh Yeah? I never read it till that link. I just picked them because of a random thought. Then I figured that they would be best in that situation because they would probably react calmly to the news.
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Yeah. I love "Past Sins" and I love Nyx. I think that most, if not all, of my future stories will have her in them some how.
Ooh a story I presume by the description that Nyx is in, I am so reading this now!
edit: now that I have read this, I can safely say that I have loved it. To TwiDash!!!
EDIT: oh and to Nyx, the nexus of the spellbound night!
Alright to keep this easy I'm going to have this open in a separate tab as I read, because I am not going to remember everything I want to say over 17 thousand words. Seriously, ever thought of breaking it up into chapters to make it a little easier to digest?
First, the exposition at the beginning is, largely, unneeded. You could have shown all of that through a short dialogue sequence at the beginning, and you've already established Nyx's presence through the description.
Either way, it's Twidash with Nyx, so have a +1.
Something tells me that this is going to continue through the entire fic, so let me get this out of the way now; when it's a species, pegasus is not capitalized. Only when you're referring to Pegasus, the name of the winged horse from Greek mythology do you capitalize.
Yeah, that entire first bit could easily be replaced with a much more involved conversation between Twilight and Spike or Nyx or somepony. Stay as far away from exposition as you can.
And now you're going into how Twi and Dash met... no... just no. Not only do we all know, it's not even good form in a real book where you have to introduce characters; it's just more forced exposition and it makes the entire thing really dry and boring to read, especially since we already know the back story.
You say "Nyx" three times in as many sentences. That's just bad form; it's okay to use "she" once in a while to avoid repeating yourself too much and making the fic even dryer than it already is.
Seriously? You started the story a few days before anything happened? That's just a pointless waist of words. Give me one reason why the morning you wrote out couldn't take place on the first day of the actual story.
Okay, that's enough. Don't set your story two weeks before anything happens, set it during the action. Really, what has these two weeks done for us, the reader? Told us Twilight had a couple weeks away from Princess duties (without giving a reason why, by the way, so that feels very much like "because the writer said so") and sure it's developing Twi's crush but that could easily be done within a shorter, more precise time frame.
Really? This isn't a play, you don't write it like this. And you certainly don't randomly switch from past to present tense. It wouldn't be hard to work this into the conversation.
I suddenly realize I haven't commented on anything in a while. Mostly it's been pretty okay. Not terrific, but good enough that I don't feel the need to point anything out. General writing mechanics are a bit off, but that comes with practice. Dialogue is a bit stiff, but pretty much in-character. No major complaints.
No, that's not how you do it. If you want her speech to be broken up by sniffles and sobs, then you write it like this, "I... I'm sorry," Twilight muttered, voice broken by the occasional sniffle. "I'm n-not upset with a-a-any of you. It's not anyone else's f-fault," she managed to choke out between sobs. You actually say it, and add the stuttering into the speech, nothing else.
Again with the random present tense. Your story is either in past or present tense, not some weird mixture.
I seem to recall an annoying bit of exposition not too long ago that said this. If you can say it in speech, don't say it in exposition.
Okay this really bugs me. Twilight is not one to cry at the drop of the hat. I let it slide when you actually had her cry before because after a week of that stress I could see it. But they should know better; Twilight has rarely cried in the show. She's a strong character and doesn't cry just because somepony hurt her feelings.
The more I read the more I become convinced that Nyx is totally and utterly useless in this story. SO far she'd had only a few lines, and most of them are just her agreeing with somepony else. It's fine to use her in your story and all, but make her have a point. Yeah sure, you like the character - so do I - but I wouldn't put her in a story just to have her in a story, I'd put her in there to fulfill a certain roll or a purpose.
Alright, now that I've read pretty much all of the confession scene, I feel I am able to accurately comment on it.
Well done, over all. Really, seriously; well done. The emotions were good, the speech was, for the most part, pretty smooth and in-character. Some things could be tweaked a bit, but that's mostly the mechanical side of writing with your said tags and such, which are occasionally a little awkward. I don't see anything really lacking from it, and it was sweet. Over the top, perhaps, but not to the point where I couldn't see the characters saying it in this situation. All in all, one of the better confessions I've read.
Alright, finally finished. Seriously, next time break it up into chapters so it's a it easier to read. Other than that, some work needs to be done on the mechanical side of writing, but that comes with practice. Pacing was actually pretty good, which is surprising since this is your first fic.
I think my biggest overall problem with this is Nyx's uselessness in the story. I mentioned this earlier, but now that it's over and I know for sure, she's just there for no reason other than you wanted her to be. Fine, put her in the story, but at least give a reason to include her. Give her a purpose, don't just toss her in.
Another big thing is Rainbow's random reciprocal feelings. You can't just say, "Oh yeah, and this character loves this other one too," without a reason. You need explanations and details, otherwise you become a victim of Alien Shipping Syndrome, and no one likes ASS... I did not think about that acronym before typing it. Oh well.
Aside from that, it's pretty good. Descriptions are a bit lacking in some places and overly-detailed in others, and some parts are pretty dry (the beginning bit, the party, the beginning of the Celestia/Luna bit at the end) but it was enjoyable overall. Nothing new or groundbreaking here, but still a nice read.
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Alright thanks.
I didn't know that about 'pegasus.' Auto correct kept telling me to capitalize, so i did. It's even doing it now in this reply.
I did feel like the beginning was lacking, or in this case, unnecessary, but I didn't know how to fix it. I'll Try to work on that in the future.
I'll try to write more in chapter format as well, or do chapters even need a different writing style? I've always wondered how writers are able to tell the same story throughout chapters and books, without dropping the story. Do you think that a good chapter separation would come after Aj and Fluttershy put Twilight to bed, or would I have had to write something differently?
I had planned to involve Nyx more in the story, like the three little ones were going to be hiding in the tree, and after the kiss and the scene with the other four, I planned on Nyx slipping and falling. Then Rainbow Dash would catch her before she hit the ground, all to start building a new parental/daughter relationship, but i couldn't think of a way to fit that in with how I ended up writing the whole scene. As I was writing, it just started to come out. The first version of the story in my head would have been much shorter if it hadn't grown as I was writing it.
Also, I wanted for Twilight to be shown as a good mother to Nyx, like to go so far as to give upon on her love for Rainbow Dash, if she had to for her daughter. I wanted Nyx to be supportive of Twilight, to show that, since Spike seems more like a helpful roomate than an actual family member, and Owlowiscious is a pet, Twilight had a real family member that supported her love. I guess that I didn't express those thoughts properly.
As for Rainbow Dash, you are right, she didn't seem to have much reason to (seemingly) so suddenly love Twilight. I definitely need to work on that, although, would it help to know that at the end of this story, I started thinking of a squeal told from Rainbow's point of view?
Sorry. I was thinking more about my "Proofreaders," or rather, my family who are not the least bit interested in MLP: FiM, than the audience who will actually care about this. I was also starting the show over from the first episode at the time that I started writing this. Also, in regards to my "Proofreaders," I gave my sister a week after she insisted that I let her read anything that I write before I post it. She still hasn't read it. So I gave up and posted it with only my two bits. I won't be sending anything to her for proofreading ever again.
Thanks for reviewing my story. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'm sorry if this reply seems like I'm making excuses. I just wanted to throw in my thoughts. I really do appreciate the review and advice because I would like to improve my writing skills and make writing a part of my future career.
I would like to continue to write stories for this site, depending on if they are any good not. If not, then I don't want to waste anyone's time, including my own.
This has been exciting for me, what with all the likes and views and comments.
Stories are fun for me, whether I'm reading them, or imagining them.
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Yeah, auto correct gets really annoying with the pegasus thing, and I see a lot of people fall victim tot he red line of death it always assaults you with.
As for the chapter thing, it's not so much a different writing style as it is a knowledge of breaking it up into chapters beforehand. It's not the ending of the chapter you have to worry about, it's the beginning of the next. But mostly, whenever you put a page break, a new chapter could be started without a problem, providing it's long enough to be satisfactory. I find a good length to be anywhere between 3 and 8 thousand words depending on the story.
Having a few more scenes with Nyx being a more important character really would've helped solidify her role in the story. But I think the biggest thing is everything involving Nyx in your stories entails; having Nyx makes Past Sins canon for the story, meaning that it all happened to your characters, and they don't really show it. They also don't need to have experienced any of that for the story to work.
All in all, it's a very promising start to writing.
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Spell-check drama like "Equestria," "pegasus," "everypony," or "Ponyville" can be easily remedied by right-clicking on the word (after highlighting it, of course,) and clicking "Add to Dictionary." Then, spell-check will actually tell you when you accidentally spell "Equestria" as "Equestrai" when you're in a mad word-rush.
How does Celestia knew????
Nice story by the way, but Rainbow seems not so entusiastic about loving back, and almost... like she only accepts because she is her friend and not because love her back... just saying!
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Well, I am currently in the process of writing the sequel. Hopefully, it explains that subject better.
Ooh! TwiDash! *starts to read*
*sigh* I'm out.
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Aww...that's okay! Just miss out on one of the best stories on the site! Nyx and I don't care! (for those of you wondering, I followed this story, and read it, back when it was the only story of the two. Back then, I was a different person. I regenerated into the man that you see standing in front of you today!)
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6612670 You don't care? Awesome. I shall now take my leave.
...i guess i don't have true friends or family. this was extremely heart warming loved it.